Reader Views

Relationships and Other Stuff: True Love Stories

“Relationships and Other Stuff” is the first book in a series on relationships.  The relationships written about in this book are about love.  As the majority of us have experienced, not all love relationships turn out the way that we expect them to or hope that they do.  When they end, we are left having been changed in some way by our experiences.  Of course not all changes are for the better, as we see some people who become bitter or close themselves off for fear of being hurt again.  Others use these experiences as lessons learned in life and move on to happier times.
           
This book contains a collection of true stories that don’t always have the “…and they lived happily ever after…” endings.  These stories are real, and heartfelt.  They are written by people from all walks of life.  In matters of the heart, I think that most of us can relate to love and the angst that can come with it.  Some of the stories and poetry inspire hope; others teach some very valuable lessons.  I definitely found some journaling material in these pages.

I also really liked reading stories that were written from a man’s perspective.  It is interesting for me to see how they process relationship issues from the other side.  I believe that seeing things from the perspective of the opposite sex helps us to understand why they do what they do.  Of course, sometimes none of us understand why we do what we do, but it does show us not to take things so personally when it is done to us.

I highly recommend reading “Relationships and Other Stuff.” I have to admit that I read it in one sitting. The stories will make you reflect on the true nature of relationships and hopefully inspire you to appreciate the good ones that you have, and learn to grow and move on from the bad ones.

Relationships and Other Stuff: True Love Stories
Edited by Natasha Brooks and Lloyd Nivens, III
Emerging Edge Publishing (2009)
ISBN 9781448689019
Reviewed by Paige Lovitt for Reader Views (10/09)

The ART of Grandparenting

“The ART of Grandparenting” is a wonderful collection of stories, humor and wisdom from several authors. Whether you are a soon-to-be, current, or seasoned grandparent, the author’s real life stories and experiences give you great insight into some good and not-so-good adventures.

This was such an easy-to-read and fun book that I look forward to using it as a gift to my friends who will be grandparents. No one tells us how to be parents, much less grandparents. We often think it is an easy job, but we find that we must conform to the parent(s) guidelines, share our grandchildren and learn through each adventure.

One of the things I particularly loved about this book is that it was not telling you what to do, but sharing experiences others have had and how they overcame any obstacles they encountered. After each story, there was a wonderful Tips and Tricks page which summarized what one had just read.

I also found it interesting, although we all want to jump in with both feet and spoil our grandchildren and help the parents, we must sometimes “watch from the sidelines without trying to coax” or intervene.  I know, just like many of these authors stated, we just want to “be in the moment” and let schedules and rules fly out the window. In my own experience I have found that sometimes that is okay, but on a consistent basis it causes problems on the home front.  Heaven knows I have had this “battle” with my daughter many times.

Even though we are ready to help whenever we can, we must learn that there are two sets of grandparents and we must share. This part of the book made me laugh as I’m not too good at sharing my granddaughter, even at my mature age.  I really enjoyed the encouragement grandparents are given to share stories of their lives. The authors give many great suggestions on how to do this from verbal to journals to recordings.

The authors relate that there will be many times that you will not live near your grandchildren and it is important to keep in touch with them through mail, phone calls, cards or email.  Also the authors suggested that we must be “flexible” in our holiday schedules. Usually during this time there are many family members to visit, and sometimes we just might have to have our holidays and visits not on the actual day.

This is such an excellent resource full of humor and is non-threatening. “The ART of Grandparenting” is a book that all should have on their shelves and read many times, especially when things get rough.

The ART of Grandparenting
Edited by Valerie Connelly
Nightengale Press (2009)
ISBN 9781933449791
Reviewed by Carol Hoyer, PhD,  for Reader Views (6/09)

Women Who Love Psychopaths: Inside Relationships of Inevitable Harm

The author’s have given us an excellent overview of how women get sucked into unhealthy relationships with men who are power hungry, controlling and have no concern or empathy for those whom they hurt. These are men who can harm an individual without killing them. Psychologist’s and society call them sociopaths or psychopaths.

The detailed information on topics such as: understanding the psychopath; how men hook women into their dark world; the woman who is a high risk for getting into a relationship with a psychopath and stories from four women who were caught in this deceitful web.

As I read this book, I will honestly say that it was the story of my daughter and the man who took her life without killing her. Reading this book gave me chills for all women who are or might get into a relationship like this. One chapter that really held my interest was the chapter on The Use of Trance, Hypnosis and Suggestibility. The authors talk about how this type of man can spend all his time around a woman focusing on them and no one else by making little comments such as "You’re so wonderful and beautiful," "No one has ever made me feel the way you do- they just don’t understand me." How does this work you might ask- one thing I found from reading this book is that some women have high attentional factors; this comes from a possible history of abuse or neglect; extensive dependency and excessive self-sacrificing.

As a psychologist, I do know that we all have asked how a woman can stay in a relationship with a man that is like this. The author’s have done an incredible job in explaining the temperament, and character traits that draw women into this type of harmful relationship and further explain why they remain. This book is such an unbelievable account of a profile of women who attract psychopaths. After reading this, readers will have an excellent view of how, what and when this happens. "Women Who Love Psychopaths" by Sandra L. Brown and Liane J. Leedom is a book every therapist should recommend to women who have been in harmful relationships and it is a book all therapists or would-be therapist need to read.

Women Who Love Psychopaths: Inside Relationships of Inevitable Harm
Sandra L. Brown & Liane J. Leedom
Health and Well-Being Publications (2008)
ISBN 9780977801329
Reviewed by Carol Hoyer, PhD, for Reader Views (1/09)

Between Fathers & Daughters: Enriching and Rebuilding Your Adult Relationship

Dr. Nielsen has written one of the most interesting, comprehensive books on relationships between fathers and daughters. She is funny and very straight to the point, but never makes the reader feel guilty or ashamed.

With so many adult women coming from homes where abuse, neglect or tension filled the air, this book will help all. Dr. Nielsen covers myths we all grew up with, rebellion that happens during the teen years and strained relationships because of communication that has broken down.

By taking the quizzes (both daughter and dad) can go on a journey to improve their relationships. Her information on why relationships break down was very informative to this reviewer. After reading the book, I had a better understanding of my own daughter and her father. I was truly amazed at the "signs" I ignored.

There wasn’t one chapter that stood out-- they all were informative and made one think. Dr. Nielsen covers giving and taking advice, improving communication, and getting to know absent fathers. This is just a few of the topics. You will have to get "Between Fathers & Daughters" and read it. In fact, my daughter just took it home to read.

Between Fathers & Daughters
Linda Nielsen, EdD
Cumberland House Publishing (2008)
ISBN 9781581826616
Reviewed by Carol Hoyer, PhD, for Reader Views (11/08)

Happily Un-Married: Living Together and Loving It!

First, you can’t walk away from this title. We all know the saying "they were married happily ever after." Of course we also know the statistics that less than half of us actually are. So it definitely catches your attention. But secondly, you may or may not change your mind based on the pictures on the cover. It would appear that those happily un-married are often wearing lingerie, at least the female side of the partnership.

But this is actually a very business-like book about cohabitating with quick-reading chapters and worksheets to complete with your partner. With twenty types of unmarried couples listed, readers will quickly realize we all come into this kind of a relationship with different backgrounds or experiences. It makes sense to spend time working upfront for a smooth transition and to form a lasting relationship. Not only does the author go into the reasons for cohabitating, but the consequences of cohabitation. There are pitfalls which can be avoided or minimized if we follow Dr. Curtis’ handbook.

He has a background in marriage and family counseling and has worked as an organizational development consultant. His web site provides a liberal does of information as well as an opportunity to subscribe to his newsletter.

As he says, his book "…details a totally new approach to relationship fitness…." I like the idea of a fit relationship and actually working on it to get it there. He takes time to stress that this book is written for both men and women and although it is about intimacy, it is very practical. Clear expectations are important in a relationship, just as they are in the workplace. The author hopes his book will provide a new "…perspective on how to think about a live-in relationship…." He makes a great point that we should invest as much time and energy in our relationships as we do in our jobs. We know how easy it is to coast along and let other areas in life take priority.

Each chapter includes a list of objectives with highlights at the end. I enjoyed the quotes at the beginning of each chapter. I could see posting them on my bathroom mirror for inspiration as I worked through a new chapter each week. The format makes for a quick read so it will be easier to share with your partner. When a worksheet is given, usually a completed sample is shown. He refers to S.M.A.R.T. objectives as used in business: specific, measurable, achievable, relevant and time-bound. You might think that this format could take away the romance of the relationship. But I’d like to think that being smarter about how you approach a relationship is more of a turn-on than being too casual and avoiding the difficult issues.

Some of the topics include financial issues, job descriptions for couples and merging "mindstyles." Something I hadn’t thought about is branding a relationship. The author describes it as a way to ensure you are both on the same page when discussing your relationship with others. He even thinks this helps you attract similar couples to make friends with. This is where the concept of "only" living together is discussed (similar to "only a housewife"). He’s right about how much is involved in combining households, from your communication style to your problem-solving skills and so much more. Usually we just think about how nice it will be to be with each other all the time. But there’s more to it.

It is easy to look at the potential negatives, but he also addresses developing a benefits package, which includes all the positives you’ll receive from a successful cohabitation. In the end the author acknowledges that it isn’t easy going through this process, but extremely worthwhile. His goal is for couples to "…have a much more stable, mature relationship… (to) reach the most satisfying closeness that a couple can achieve…."

"Happily Un-Married: Living Together and Loving It!" by John Curtis, PhD, would be a great present to any couple considering living together. But don’t wait till it’s too late!

Happily Un-Married: Living Together and Loving It!
John Curtis, PhD
Robert D. Reed (2008)
ISBN 9781934759097
Reviewed by Tammy Petty Conrad for Reader Views (9/08)

Essential Premarital Counseling

“Essential Premarital Counseling” is the seventh book in the New Horizons in Therapy Series published by Loving Healing Press.  Dr. Sandra L. Ceren presents a complete ten session premarital program with case studies for discussion, and suggested resolutions. The program uses a proactive group approach with opportunity for extended sessions for individual counseling when needed.

The material in the book includes material for an intake interview, thought-provoking and probing self-examination questions with follow-up discussion suggestions. Dr. Ceren also provides a tool for personality testing and a relationship quiz. Conflict resolution training is an essential part of the subject matter of the program and provides instructions for the practitioner.

Role playing is another important part of the program. Challenging situations and scenarios are given to the participants based on material covered in earlier sessions.  These role plays are followed up with suggested conflict resolutions and provide insight for impending warning signs in a premarital relationship.

The case studies dealing with personality disorders and doomed relationships are especially significant in building a long-term relationship resulting in marriage.  I particularly appreciated the case studies with illustrated key and lasting, inflexible personality basics that form patterns not easily broken. 

These personality characteristics hold back social and career performance and need to be considered in decisions of the magnitude of marriage. Ceren also noted the importance of values, goals, interests, and hobbies in a relationship. The case studies include numerous unresolved conflicts with suggested solutions. 

The premarital questionnaire provided in the appendix is an exceptional tool for the couple considering marriage and for use in evaluation and counseling by the therapist.  The recommended resource list is comprehensive and includes books--both fiction and non-fiction, as well as suggested cinematherapy.

This hands-on guide is an excellent program resource for clinical practitioners, marriage and family therapists, premarital counselors, and trained lay counselors. “Essential Premarital Counseling” by Dr. Sandra L. Ceren has received high acclaim from leaders in the field of premarital counseling.

Essential Premarital Counseling
Sandra L. Ceren, PhD
Loving Healing Press (2008)
ISBN 9781932690668
Reviewed by Richard R. Blake for Reader Views (7/08)

Holy Sex!: A Catholic Guide to Toe-Curling, Mind-Blowing, Infallible Loving

Gregory K. Popcak’s “Holy Sex!” is the ultimate guide to a fulfilling, happy, yet virtuous sexual life. While written with the Catholic couples in mind, the author’s insight should prove helpful to just about anybody desiring a stronger, more fulfilling sexual experience within their marriage.

Debunking the myths and exposing the lies about the role of sex in Christianity, this book shows you the path to Infallible Loving, a very freeing experience that will bring the partners closer together as well as closer to their God. The author explains how eroticism differs from Holy Sex and why the latter is so much more fulfilling. Through a series of questionnaires the reader is guided to better understanding of what the Infallible Lovers are made of and with the help of well-thought-out exercises given a powerful tool to become one of them.

The second part of the book deals with the five great powers of Holy Sex, namely:

1.  Holy Sex has the power to make the common holy.
2.  Holy Sex has sacramental and redemptive power.
3.  Holy Sex has the power to be a physical sign of God’s passion for us.
4.  Holy Sex has the power to unite.
5.  Holy Sex has the power to create.

Supported by a number of personal stories as well as quotes from a vast array of notable writers, this is an intensely thought-provoking section. I challenge any reader to read it and not feel changed in some way.

The third and fourth parts mostly deal with practical matters, from Natural Family Planning to technicalities of intercourse and solving of common sexual problems, infidelity and more. Always down-to-earth and written in an easy-to-follow and easy-to-understand style, these two parts should probably be the ones most people will refer to more than once.

While this book should be particularly helpful to engaged couples and newlyweds, I do believe that the lessons taught inside could provide positive changes for couples regardless of how long they’ve been married. With advice that is both practical and well researched, witty and wise, Gregory K. Popcak’s “Holy Sex!” should find a permanent place on the bookshelves of people wishing for stronger foundations of their marriage, showing everybody why good sex is not only compatible with the Catholic teachings, but highly desirable as well.

Holy Sex!
Gregory K. Popcak

, PhD
The Crossroad Publishing Company (2008)
ISBN 9780824524715
Reviewed by Olivera Baumgartner-Jackson for Reader Views (6/08)

Laugh Your Way to a Better Marriage: Unlocking the Secrets to Life, Love, and Marriage

I enjoyed this book from the lighthearted beginning to the serious ending. The author’s relaxed style made me feel as if we were chatting over coffee. His style of handling complicated, emotional concepts with simple and straight-forward language helped me see things in a much clearer way than I ever have before. And I was married twenty-two years!

The book is based on the author’s seminar on improving marriage. A funny look at a serious subject, it has proven to be helpful to many, many couples, partially because he addresses topics from both the male and female perspectives.

“We get “much revenue” from being joined to another person…” but as he goes on to say, “There is no such thing as a poo-free marriage.” Well maybe this language is a bit too direct, but it does sum up the fact that as beneficial and wonderful as marriage can be, there are always problems to deal with.

There is so much wisdom in this book that I finally got the highlighter out and started marking page after page. I know I will reread sections from time to time just to refresh my memory. And of course there’s lots of laughter to be found throughout the pages. One example stands out:  “You were smoking marital ganja if you expected marriage to be a life filled with constant waves of joy, where every morning birds sing you awake and little bunnies help you sweep the floors as the chipmunks wash the dishes.” Amen.

As a pastor who has counseled many, Mark Gungor uses the Bible as his reference. “The Bible never tells us to find the one God has chosen. It teaches us how to live well with the person we have chosen.” A man of strong opinions, some might not agree with everything he has to say. Young couples might doubt some of his wisdom. I on the other hand, a seasoned woman who has been through one marriage, see the wisdom of his words loud and clear. Even though I’m not currently married, I can see the value of the information for my current relationship and will encourage my companion to read the book so we can discuss and implement some of the methods. No matter one’s age or experiences, there are loads of valuable ideas to take from the reading.

Laugh Your Way to a Better Marriage
Mark Gungor
Atria Books (2008)
ISBN 9781416536055
Reviewed by Tammy Petty Conrad for Reader Views (5/08)

Public Lies

Brenda Youngerman has really hit the nail on the head with this book. It is a very dramatic and truthful story of what happens when women are caught in domestic violence. This is a book that all women should read who are in a violent relationship.

This story revolves around Vince and Nancy Cooper and their turmoil of a marriage. Vince is controlling and abusive mentally and physically in addition to being a substance abuser. After a great mental struggle, Nancy decides she can’t live this life anymore and takes her children and leaves Vince. What follows is the harrowing tale of what Vince will do to get his wife back so he can have revenge on her. Even with the help of her family, friends and lawyers, she is depicted as a mother who is useless, running the streets and using drugs, all of which are not true. But it shows us how a person who is cunning and manipulative can make people think otherwise.

Having worked in the field of domestic violence for over 20-years, I can say this book says it all. Even if one’s relationship is not at the same point Nancy and Vince’s is, it can happen to all of us. I would recommend reading “Public Lies” at all women’s shelters and crisis centers.  Also all professionals that work in this field would benefit from reading it.

Public Lies
Brenda Youngerman
Outskirts Press (2007)
ISBN 9781432712969
Reviewed by Carol Hoyer for Reader Views (5/08)

Dating rEvolution: or, how to date like a man and get away with it!

Rachael Zavala has got to be one of the most inventive women of modern time.  While being a mother to her three children and having a significant other, she still managed to have the time to write this inspirational piece of literature. Without the fancy degrees and no formal training in Psychology or the social sciences (by her own admission), Ms. Zavala managed to compile a volume of information that will intrigue both men and women.

While “Dating rEvolution” is intended for women, it’s an interesting book for men.  This book has to do with a woman’s advice to women and is an intriguing look at the dating scene through the eyes of a normal person. Not a psychologist or some Sociology major (looking to acquire information for a thesis), Rachael is just an experienced girl that has, “been there, done that.”  I could tell she wrote from the heart when she mentions things like, “the more clueless the man, the crazier the woman.”  I have been in this situation and I had to chuckle about that one.

She has a “Fun List” of things to do to avoid the drama of dating and I can understand where she is coming from. Ms. Zavala’s chapter on “Clingons” was informative and related to the crazies in where she cautions against being overbearing. She tells the reader to not badger her date with text messages and emails least she becomes known as a “Clingon.”

When she finally introduces chapter 7, I was most intrigued to read what a woman would say to other women on the subject of sex.  My prayers were answered; she was very honest, and open, about the fact that women have it on their minds too. Contrary to popular belief, I was glad to hear that I am not alone in this aspect of relationships. As Ms. Zavala puts it, not all women are as adamant about it as men, but she advises her readers to enjoy it. That’s all I will divulge on this chapter as I really think this is a great little 103-page book.

“Dating rEvolution” is masterfully done and very well written. No holds barred, no punches pulled, it tells it like it should be told. Rachael talks to the reader like a street-wise hooker, with the wisdom of Solomon and the Christian beliefs of Mary. She cautions where caution is to be taken and gives the green light when the situation is right. But best of all, once you read “Dating rEvolution,” you will know when that time has arrived.  I gave the book a raving A+ and recommend it to the guys too! We deserve to know as much as the girls.

Dating rEvolution
Rachael Zavala
CreateSpace (2008)
ISBN 9781434827944
Reviewed by William Phenn for Reader Views (5/08)