Irene Watson - Rewriting Life Scripts

Being Invisible: Overcoming Praise and Criticism

As codependents, we have done for others—we have tirelessly yet often frustratingly gone out of our way to help others, and perhaps too often, we’ve discovered those people we help don’t show up to help us when we need it. That frustrates us—we told ourselves we were helping others because it was the right thing to do, but deep down, we expected something in return. That’s codependency.

 

We do want something in return—if not return help, more likely praise for what we do. We want gratitude. We want to be told we are good people, or smart, or pretty, or talented. Praise makes us feel good. Praise before others may somewhat embarrass us, but secretly we appreciate it. Sometimes we dismiss it—“Oh, I didn’t do that much”—because we do not know how to take compliments. But we still like it. We should learn to take a compliment—to appreciate ourselves and know our value.

 

But the problem comes when we seek praise, when we do things to help others but with an ulterior motive, whether it is to look good, or to get someone else to love us, or any other reason. We do not need praise to make us feel good about ourselves. We give our power over to others when we rely on their praise for our well-being and when we do things with the intent to receive praise.

 

Criticism is a more obvious way of how we give away our power. We let other people’s critical voices decide whether we are worthy, whether our actions are good, whether we are deserving of praise. We may dismiss praise, but we have a hard time dismissing criticism—even more so than with praise, we let criticism have power over us.

 

In between praise and criticism is a happy medium, a place called Invisibility. To be invisible means we can do things for others without expecting anything in return. And we can live without fearing or reacting to other people’s criticism. Most importantly, to be invisible is to be invisible to ourselves and to our egos. We do not need to get worked up by a need for praise or a fear of criticism. We can go about our day doing what is necessary, what feels good, without having to go to extremes of needing praise or fearing criticism. We can simply be. We can let our actions speak for themselves without having “fine print” attached to them where we require a reaction from others in relation to them.

 

When we shed the paradigm of praise and criticism, we become invisible so others cannot control us and so we cannot control our own moods in a negative manner. We can live in the present, not dreading future reactions. We can appreciate ourselves and what feels good to us without judgment, fear, or neediness. Invisibility is a form of freedom—it sets us free to soar—it allows us to feel good without help from anyone else.

Irene Watson, MA,  is author of The Sitting Swing: Finding Wisdom to Know the Difference, and co-editor of The Story that Must Be Told: True Tales of Transformation, and Authors Access: 30 Success Secrets for Authors and Publishers. She is a workshop leader, managing editor of Reader Views, and president of a non-profit Higher Power Foundation. Irene lives next to Barton Creek in Austin, TX, with her husband Robert.

The Gifts I Have to Give

Last week I wrote about focusing on the gifts we have. This week, let us focus on the gifts we have that are ours to give.

 

It is easy for us to focus on the gifts we don’t have, so let’s get those out of the way first. Okay, maybe God did not make us as beautiful, handsome, strong, smart, rich, sexy, tall, thin, etc. as someone else. We don’t know why that’s the case but it is. We can’t do anything about it so there’s no point in concentrating on it. Instead, let’s focus on what we were given.

 

Okay. You know you’re smart, you’re good at organizing things, you’re a good Mom, or a good soccer coach. But let’s go even deeper. It’s easy to focus on gifts we know we have. But what are gifts we have that we don’t realize? What are gifts we have not even considered that we might have?

 

Think about what you enjoy about life, what makes you happy, what you might be good at that is not generally acknowledged by others. What gifts do you have that others don’t realize? What gifts might you have that even you don’t realize?

 

This week, I challenge you to find one gift you have that you have not thought of as a gift before. It might be that you are punctual. It might be that you are good at gardening. It might be that you are good at teaching, even if it is in small ways. Sometimes it might be something we don’t even like to do. For example, a friend of mine worked in a call center making sales calls. He hated making sales calls. He did not think he was good at it, but he had to make a living. He did okay. But what he really wanted was to be an author. When he published his book he realized he was a salesperson. If he had been able to sell widgets—something he didn’t care about—how much more would he be able to sell his books.

 

What are examples of adversities you overcame that provided you with special gifts? What is something you enjoyed doing in childhood that you forgot about? Maybe you were the fastest at putting together jigsaw puzzles, or you could walk across the balance beam farther than anyone else?

 

Once you find that special gift you have, how can you use it to make your life happier? How can you use it to make someone else’s life happier?

 

Don’t give up on this one. Keep thinking about it as long as it takes—it’s a new year, so think about it all year if need be until you find it. Large or small, we all have gifts and those gifts make a difference, to us and to others. Find your gifts. Then celebrate your gifts.

Irene Watson, MA,  is author of The Sitting Swing: Finding Wisdom to Know the Difference, and co-editor of The Story that Must Be Told: True Tales of Transformation, and Authors Access: 30 Success Secrets for Authors and Publishers. She is a workshop leader, managing editor of Reader Views, and president of a non-profit Higher Power Foundation. Irene lives next to Barton Creek in Austin, TX, with her husband Robert.

Stopping Mind Chatter

Prayer and meditation are not as easy as they may seem. In our modern, fast-paced, gadget-centered world, it is hard to find a quiet moment. Even if we sit quietly trying to pray, to meditate, to clear our minds, our minds rebel. We just have too many things to think about to be quiet. What am I going to make for dinner tonight? Sitting here is a waste of time when I have work to do. What if I don’t have money to pay the mortgage this month? What if I lose my job? I wonder whether I should wear the red dress to the party?

 

Big or small, our minds will find distractions to fill them. Distracting thoughts are not unlike our learned codependent and dysfunctional behaviors—our mind is the master-controller of those behaviors. It does not know how to release the drama. It thinks it knows better than us—better than God or our Higher Power.

 

Is your mind trying to compete with your Higher Power? Even when you intuitively know something—you know what you should or should not do—does your mind get in the way? Do you take the better paying job even though you know you’d be happier at your current job because it “makes sense” to do so? Do you date someone because your mother likes him even though you know he’s not the right one? Do you find yourself stressed over everything you have to do all the time, trying to keep it all straight in your head?

 

At the bottom of bad decisions, stress, and mind chatter is the fear you will lose control. Ironically, we’ll only lose control when we allow our minds completely to take over—allow them to use their tools of stress, fear, and dysfunctional behaviors. When we allow the mind to take over, it can go into overdrive, to overheat, to become overtired. Sometimes, our minds simply need a break, a shut down, a cooling off period.

 

When we give in to a few minutes of quiet, to releasing our thoughts, to focusing on our breathing, we regain our center. Suddenly, we find our perspectives changing, our day transforms from one of lack and not enough time to one of abundance, to an overflowing of time when we have space to get everything done and to enjoy ourselves as well. We realize we will get done what we need to, and what we don’t get done didn’t really need to be done anyway.

 

Don’t let your mind, your fear, your stress take over and extinguish your sense of feeling good. Let your mind and your body rest. Relax. Close your eyes. Breathe deeply. Center yourself. Allow yourself the right to feel good. Give yourself just five minutes to do nothing and you’ll find your mind functions better. When we stop the mind chatter, we can get done what needs to be done more quickly, and maybe we will hear inside the voice that really matters.

Irene Watson, MA,  is author of The Sitting Swing: Finding Wisdom to Know the Difference, and co-editor of The Story that Must Be Told: True Tales of Transformation, and Authors Access: 30 Success Secrets for Authors and Publishers. She is a workshop leader, managing editor of Reader Views, and president of a non-profit Higher Power Foundation. Irene lives next to Barton Creek in Austin, TX, with her husband Robert.

Controlling God

As codependents, we try to control—we usually think of control in terms of controlling people and events, but what about God?

 

Religion for a long time has tried to control God, to control how we understand God and how God operates. While most religions start out having the best intentions and concerns about our soul, in the end, they often end up trying to control people and God in the process. Religion has told us if we do certain things, God will love us, and if we don’t do certain things, God will reject us—we will burn in Hell. Religion has also been used to make us believe God is for Us and against Them.

 

Can we so easily put God in a box? Can we control God?

 

On a more personal level, do we try to control how God operates in our lives? Do we pray only for what we want to happen, to try to convince God to do what we want? In these cases, are we listening to God, or are we too busy doing all the talking, telling Him what we want?

 

Are we afraid to listen? Do we avoid praying because we are afraid of what God might tell us? Do we fear how God might change our lives? Do we have irrational fears that we will be left impoverished, destitute, asked to do something seemingly impossible if we let God in?

 

So maybe we don’t pray. Maybe we don’t even talk or think about God. Does it matter? Do we really think we keep God or our Higher Power out if He or It wants in?

 

We rationalize God. We assume He operates by the same codes of human reason and justice that we do. But when did God die and make us God, giving us power to tell Him what to do? I don’t fully understand God, but I’m pretty sure God is not codependent—He knows better than to give His power over to us.

 

Are we really faithful, or are we just superstitious? Do we bargain with God? Do we seriously believe if we say x number of rosaries, or we pray perfectly, or if we get baptized with our full bodies rather than just our heads, that somehow we will gain some magic ability to make God do what we want?

 

We can’t control God. We can’t stop God or our Higher Power from being in our lives. It’s foolish to think we can. If we fight it, we will only make it worse. If God or Source wants in, It or He or She will find a way.

 

Think today about how you have tried to control God. How have you withheld yourself from trusting your Higher Power? When was the last time you actually took the time to ask God what He might want?

 

All we have to do is Trust. We don’t have to bargain. We don’t have to say rosaries or jump through hoops for God. We don’t have to fear God will ask us to do the impossible. We simply have to stop and listen to our Higher Power, our Intuition, our Source. We may not get the answers we want, but they will be the right ones. We may find we did not even have to ask the questions because everything was already well and perfect. We have no need to try to control God. He is already in control. We need only Trust.

Irene Watson, MA,  is author of The Sitting Swing: Finding Wisdom to Know the Difference, and co-editor of The Story that Must Be Told: True Tales of Transformation, and Authors Access: 30 Success Secrets for Authors and Publishers. She is a workshop leader, managing editor of Reader Views, and president of a non-profit Higher Power Foundation. Irene lives next to Barton Creek in Austin, TX, with her husband Robert.

Gifts We Have Received

Today is the Feast of the Epiphany. It’s the day the wise men brought baby Jesus gifts of gold, frankincense, and myrrh.

 

I don’t imagine those are gifts too many of us see too often. But the gift giving itself is the important thing. Gifts we are given are acknowledgments of our value, of the appreciation others have for us.

 

We have many gifts in our lives. Today, let us take a moment to think about all of them. I’ve written a short list of gifts in my own life as a sample.

 

1. I live in the United States – whatever its faults, it’s still the best country in the world to live in. I have far more than the vast majority of the world. I do not want for any basic needs.
2. I live in Austin, Texas. – it’s warm here—no snow storms like I knew growing up in Canada. There are plenty of things to do here.
3. I have a wonderful husband who has stuck by me for many years, supporting my dreams, and overlooking my faults.
4. I have wonderful adult children who have become my friends.
5. I have grandchildren I delight in.
6. I own my own business. I am self-employed and can make my own decisions and no one else is my boss.
7. I have a job I love. I get to support other authors and share their gifts and messages with the world, helping to change lives through books.
8. I have a wonderful staff. They are reliable, talented, responsible, and give me no unnecessary drama in my life.
9. I have wonderful friends. Many of my friends I’ve had for decades. Whether it’s getting together in person, or talking to them online, I have many friends I can go to for support, advice, and comfort on different issues, personal, business, and spiritual. Each individual friend is a gift in him or herself.
10. I am financially secure. I do not need to worry where my next meal is coming from, how I will pay the bills, will I be able to stay warm this winter. I may not be so rich I can have anything I want, but I lack for nothing. 

I could easily make a list several times as long as this, but you get the idea. What gifts are in your life? Whenever you feel down or worried, remember to count your blessings. It quickly helps you to change your perspective, appreciate all you have, and help you feel that whatever trouble comes your way, it is small and manageable when you consider all the good stacked up against it.

Irene Watson, MA,  is author of The Sitting Swing: Finding Wisdom to Know the Difference, and co-editor of The Story that Must Be Told: True Tales of Transformation, and Authors Access: 30 Success Secrets for Authors and Publishers. She is a workshop leader, managing editor of Reader Views, and president of a non-profit Higher Power Foundation. Irene lives next to Barton Creek in Austin, TX, with her husband Robert.

Creating Intentional Chaos

None of us like to have chaos in our lives. Or do we?

 

Codependents and addicts feed on drama. We are so used to it we don’t know how to handle life when it isn’t hectic, crazy, and emotional. And sometimes, that’s a good thing. Okay, not usually, but sometimes.

 

We may not always know how to say, “No” to something. We may have difficulty making a decision and enforcing something we know is the best choice or behavior for our well-being.

 

But on some level, our intuition or subconscious knows what is best for us and will bring that about whatever our codependent tendencies choose to do in opposition.

 

Think for a minute about relationships you’ve been in that have ended. When you look back, you probably are glad they ended. You probably sensed things about them that you did not like—but love is blind, so you ignored them or you compromised by accepting them. In the end, the relationship blew up in your face anyway.

 

I once met a woman who was grieving the loss of a relationship. She explained that she madly loved her boyfriend. She would have done anything for him. Even though he did drugs, mistreated her, and did not want children, she stayed with him—you know the story; she was convinced he was a good person (and in all fairness, he like most people, did have some good qualities) and she would eventually change him. She was utterly crazy about him and convinced she could not live without him.

 

“Then one day,” she told me, “without even planning it, I heard myself telling him the one thing I knew would make him so angry he would leave me. I loved him. I didn’t want him to leave. But I said it not knowing why exactly.” When I met her, she was mourning his loss, even begging him to come back, but he never did. A year later, she told me, “I think I knew all along that being with him was a mistake. I just couldn’t get over the desire to be with him—it was an unhealthy addiction. I probably could have stuck up for myself sooner and simply left him, but I wasn’t strong enough, so I had to create a painful separation. If I hadn’t made him so angry that he wouldn’t have taken me back, I wouldn’t have been strong enough even if I had tried to break up with him to say ‘No’ when he asked me to take him back.”

 

Despite the pain, chaos may be the best thing we can do for ourselves. I’m not advising anyone to go out and create chaos in his or her life. I’m just suggesting that sometimes even when we act irrationally, our inner guidance system is watching out for us. If we follow our intuitions and act when we know something is troubling us, we can save ourselves a lot of trouble. The chaos erupts when we repress our intuition so long that our Inner Being comes out fighting to fix matters.

 

A New Year, a New Decade

Can you believe it’s 2010? Wasn’t it just 1999? Has so much time already passed?

 

Yes, New Year’s Day is a day to make resolutions. This year we’re going to change something we don’t like. We’ll find a new job, lose weight, find the man of our dreams, go back to school, finally retire, divorce the husband holding us back, or take that trip to Hawaii. Whatever it is.

 

But many of us, I hope not most of us, will fail to keep our resolutions. After all, we make the resolutions with the best intentions, but they can be difficult, and we can find that dreading how hard they are will make us soon give them up.

 

I brought up 1999 for a reason. Before we talk further about resolutions, think back to who you were that year. Compare who you were then to who you are today. Is your life better or worse than then? It may not be perfect today, but I bet you will think you are better off today than you were then. Maybe now you are married, or through college, or have a better job, or the kids are raised. Yes, I know it’s possible you are unemployed, your spouse passed away—you were happier back then, but maybe you are wiser today. In some way, I am sure your life is better than it was a decade ago.

 

Look at how much has happened in those ten years. Life changes gradually, but just as how Wall Street analysts tell us that with all the stock market’s ups and downs, eventually the trend is upward, so life works that way too. We have bad days. Even tragedies happen. But so do good things. We keep growing, learning, achieving, rising up from failures to achieve some more.

 

Be easy on yourself as you strive for change. Do what you can to grow, to move toward those resolutions, but be patient also. Don’t give them up—even if you have to put them on the back burner. Even if you can only devote a minute or two a day to achieving the goal, you are making progress. Pat yourself on the back for how far you have already come. Steady wins the race.

 

Look forward to the future in joyous anticipation when what you have resolved to change in your life has already been accomplished. Think how good you are going to feel in 2020. It’ll be here before you know it.

Irene Watson, MA,  is author of The Sitting Swing: Finding Wisdom to Know the Difference, and co-editor of The Story that Must Be Told: True Tales of Transformation, and Authors Access: 30 Success Secrets for Authors and Publishers. She is a workshop leader, managing editor of Reader Views, and president of a non-profit Higher Power Foundation. Irene lives next to Barton Creek in Austin, TX, with her husband Robert.

The Silent Partner

A few days after Christmas, the Catholic Church celebrates the feast of the Holy Family.

 

Don’t worry. I’m not going to preach religion here. But I do want to take a minute to focus on that family. Especially, I want to talk about Joseph.

 

Jesus gets all the glory. Mary gets her fair share too.

 

But what about Joseph? We hardly know anything about him. And yet, from the few details, what a remarkable man he must have been. He gets betrothed to Mary, only later to find out she’s pregnant, and not with his child. You can’t blame him for wanting to get rid of her then, but once he realizes it’s God’s baby, he stays silent and sticks by her.

 

For the rest of his life, Joseph is on the sidelines. He doesn’t get to preach or change the world. He doesn’t get to ascend into Heaven like Jesus or Mary. He just plays the silent partner in the relationship. He takes them to Egypt to protect them. When it’s safe to come home, he provides for them, working in his carpentry shop.

 

Joseph “manned” up to his role. It wasn’t his child. He could have easily dumped Mary. Instead, he patiently does what is required of him by God and for his family. He doesn’t argue. He doesn’t object. He just does what needs to be done. He doesn’t ask for anything in return. If we believe the Catholic Church that Mary was ever-virgin, then Joseph gave up some other things besides recognition as well.

 

There must have been days when he doubted; there must have been days when he was jealous or frustrated. But he stuck by them. He was the man behind the miracle. He could have won an award for best supporting male actor. He isn’t even mentioned during Jesus’ ministry—he was apparently dead by then. He didn’t even get to stick around long enough to see the fruition of the child he raised. But look at the child he raised. We can only speculate what an influence he had on Jesus.

 

Maybe we ourselves play supporting roles for which we don’t get the appreciation we deserve. Maybe others in our lives play supporting roles. We can show appreciation for those playing the supporting roles. We can be supportive ourselves—that doesn’t mean we forget boundaries or let ourselves be taken advantage of—but especially where children are involved, we do what needs to be done. We look out for others.

 

In this blog, I constantly remind about not falling into codependent behaviors, but when children are involved, the rules change a bit. Nothing is more rewarding than caring for and loving a child. Nothing is more important either. Whether we are parents, grandparents, teachers, soccer coaches, or the neighbor next-door, how we treat each child who comes into our lives makes an enormous impact on the world—it can be the difference between a Hitler and a Jesus in the next generation.

Have a Magical Holiday

Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, and Happy Kwanzaa to everyone.

 

Whatever holiday you choose to celebrate, this is the time of magic. Whether you had good Christmases as a child, or whether you dread the holidays, at some point in your life, I am certain you have felt the excitement, the mystery, the pull of this season.

 

Today might be a crazy, stressful, active, too much family kind of day. It might be a lonely, quiet, even depressing day. Remember it is just one day. It will only last for twenty-four hours. You don’t need to let it upset and depress you.

 

Instead, spend a few minutes just trying to recapture the magic. Think of those things that make you happy, that are exciting—whether it’s Christmas cookies, Santa coming, seeing distant family members, snow falling on a peaceful night, holiday music, the lights on the Christmas tree, candles shining in windows—I know you can find at least one such item. Spend a few moments cherishing it. Give yourself permission to feel good. Breathe it in. How does it smell, sound, feel, taste?

 

There is magic in this season. It is there for everyone of us. It is there whether or not we choose to see it. Today, choose to see it, to feel it, to embrace it.

 

Today, let magic be the guiding force of your day. Be like a child again. Allow the magic to excite and consume you. Get down on the floor and help put the train set together. Cheer when it goes around the track. Get as excited over the dolls and teddy bears or Transformers and video games as the kids. Have the extra piece of pie, the chocolate candy before breakfast. Greet family members with love and hugs. And even if you have to do it in the bathroom behind a closed door, practice your Santa Claus laugh. Go ahead. HO! HO! HO! MERRY CHRISTMAS!

 

There. You feel better, don’t you?

 

Whatever holiday you are celebrating, celebrate its magic. Remember you yourself are magic. By relishing the magic, you become the gift of magic to others and especially to yourself.

 

Happy Holidays, and God Bless Us, Everyone

The Source of Love

Last week I wrote about giving the gift of Love at Christmas. Nevertheless, like millions of others, I still went Christmas shopping for material gifts. I generally avoid the malls and department stores—shopping online is more convenient, less crowds, more options—but I devoted one evening to the department stores.

As I was coming home, my car full of gifts, I thought how odd it was that I should buy presents for just a handful of people—my loved ones—and that almost everyone else was doing the same. That while I did not know most of the people in the stores, we were all engaged in the same activity—gift giving, but also celebrating Christmas—celebrating a holiday.

Whether we are Christian or not, what we are really celebrating is love. This holiday celebrates the birth of Christ. What does that really mean? Yes, a baby in a manger, angels, shepherds, and later wise men bringing him gold, frankincense, and myrrh, but it means more than that. Whether you believe in Jesus, whether you believe he was the Son of God, the story is still beneficial. Reality or symbol, the story reminds us that God loves us, that there is an infinite source of love in the universe. The entire purpose of the story is that God loves us:

For God so loved the world that He gave his only begotten son, that whosoever believeth in him shall not suffer but have eternal life. – John 3:16.

I have a hard time believing people go to Hell if they don’t believe Jesus is their Savior. The real point here is that Jesus is love. And I do believe that our failure to believe in the power of love can be harmful to us. When we are open to giving and receiving love then we are most connected to our Source, to our spiritual nature, to the good that can flow through us. Christmas is a reminder of that connection, as a time put aside to make sure we let good flow to, from, and through us.

I once knew a non-Christian who told me she preferred to celebrate Christmas as a reminder that everyone is related. I don’t know how she connected that to Christmas, but whether it’s through DNA or the human family tree, we are all related.

More importantly, we all “relate” to each other. Remember that six degrees of separation idea. It’s really amazing. I know someone who knows someone who knows…anyway, I’ve figured out how I’m only a few degrees of separation from President John Adams, Oprah Winfrey etc, because I know people who know people who knew them (give or take a few people in between). The world is a lot smaller than we realize.

If we all have the ability to be a source of love, and we are all so closely connected, it’s not really difficult to give that love and change the world by doing so. Whether we give it to our immediate loved ones or strangers, love is a spark that gets passed on when we are open to it. It is like a never-ending river—some of us may build a dam against it, but if we don’t let it flow through us, it will just flow around us and on to others. We might as well let it flow through us—go with the flow.

Keep your heart open to love this holiday season and always. Thank you, Jesus, for the reminder. I am grateful for a holiday that reminds us our source is Love—that it flows through each of us. Love is always something to celebrate. It is a gift to give, whether we express it with material gifts or we find another way. Give and celebrate Love.

Irene Watson, MA,  is author of The Sitting Swing: Finding Wisdom to Know the Difference, and co-editor of The Story that Must Be Told: True Tales of Transformation, and Authors Access: 30 Success Secrets for Authors and Publishers. She is a workshop leader, managing editor of Reader Views, and president of a non-profit Higher Power Foundation. Irene lives next to Barton Creek in Austin, TX, with her husband Robert.

Light in the Darkness

Today is the winter solstice. The first day of winter—the shortest day of the year, but also the day the light starts to come back. As the days have gotten darker and shorter, we have not lost hope because we know eventually we will reach a turning point and light will return, slowly, but it will return until soon the days will be light and long and warm again.

 

This cycle is not unlike our lives. When things go downhill, when life seems difficult, we just have to remember, “This too will pass.” Our lives are like the seasons. The poet Shelley once wrote, “If winter comes, can spring be far behind?” and Keats, in his beautiful poem “To Autumn,” reminded us, “Where are the songs of Spring? Ay, where are they?/Think not of them, thou hast thy music too,—” Autumn has its music like spring. Winter has its magic and beauty as does summer.

 

We need variety in our lives, we need light and dark, good and bad. Otherwise life would be boring, and only by our many varied experiences do we learn to choose what we want or don’t want, what makes us happy and what does not, and in making choices and learning about what pleases us, in the contrast of all things, we grow and change. If we stayed static—if it were always summer, we would not grow.

 

Sometimes the learning experience is especially difficult. Life seems like it will never be good again. Don’t dwell on the negative. Remember that the good you long for is already with you—quantum physics has taught us time is not linear but the past and present and future exist simultaneously. What that means is that what you want—the good you long for—you already have. It is coming. It already has come. Enjoy it. Embrace change. It may have to get darker before it gets lighter, but it will get lighter again. You will grow and be happier and stronger for it.

 

As we approach the holidays, I think of Tennyson and one of my favorite quotes from his poetry. He initially wrote the first version of “Idylls of the King” as a dream dreamt at Christmas, and in the poem, when King Arthur dies, he offers this advice to his mourning knight Sir Bedwyr:

 

“The old order changeth, yielding place to new,

And God fulfils himself in many ways,

Lest one good custom should corrupt the world.

Comfort thyself:

 

Comfort yourself today. Whatever troubles you, know that it will pass. That good will come. In this darkest day of the year is the seed to the growth of new light which leads to spring and new growth for our hearts and souls.

 

If winter is here, can spring be far behind?

Irene Watson, MA,  is author of The Sitting Swing: Finding Wisdom to Know the Difference, and co-editor of The Story that Must Be Told: True Tales of Transformation, and Authors Access: 30 Success Secrets for Authors and Publishers. She is a workshop leader, managing editor of Reader Views, and president of a non-profit Higher Power Foundation. Irene lives next to Barton Creek in Austin, TX, with her husband Robert.

Thinking Too Much

Too often, we try to intellectualize things. We try to figure them out. We weigh the pros and cons of a decision. We go around asking everyone’s opinion, when all the while, we already know what is best for us. We already know what is right for us. Even so we keep asking for advice, and too often, we follow others’ advice—we follow the safest advice. What the majority of people tell us they would do. We know that is not the advice to follow—it is not the right advice for us at least, but we do what we think will be best, will be safest. Later we have regrets.

 

Yes, we have a mind to reason, but over-thinking things usually does not help. That is why we also have a sense of intuition. Logic and reason are wonderful gifts to humanity, and they have their place. But we cannot rely solely on reason, on what is the rational thing to do in a given situation, because all people are different—they cannot be made to fit into the same hole.

 

Instead, we should rely on intuition. Too often intuition is confused with emotion because both are associated with “feeling.” We should not confuse intuition with emotion—emotions can get us in trouble—negative emotions especially are usually the products of fear. By comparison, intuition is a form of knowing that displays itself in feelings. It is our internal guidance system. Reason and emotion may have their say—like two attorneys arguing it out—but intuition is the judge who weighs all the arguments, then ultimately, decides what is best.

 

Before you make a decision, think about how you would feel depending on the result of that decision. Which decision would make you feel good? Which decision would make you feel bad? Don’t worry about what other people think is right to do. Don’t worry about what is reasonable to do. Don’t even necessarily pay attention to what you think you want to do. Just sit silently, try to clear your mind of all the competing voices, lobbying for you to agree with them. What does your intuition tell you is right for you?

 

Our bodies have intuition, an innate sense of knowing what is best for us. A stomach ache, feelings of dread, feelings of excitement, they are there to guide us toward making the best decision possible. Sometimes we think too much, we try too hard, when the answer is always there before us. If we only stop thinking and trying to intellectualize everything, we will make things easier for us. If we stop for a minute to listen, we will hear our inner voice. Then we will know what is best for us.

 

Irene Watson, MA,  is author of The Sitting Swing: Finding Wisdom to Know the Difference, and co-editor of The Story that Must Be Told: True Tales of Transformation, and Authors Access: 30 Success Secrets for Authors and Publishers. She is a workshop leader, managing editor of Reader Views, and president of a non-profit Higher Power Foundation. Irene lives next to Barton Creek in Austin, TX, with her husband Robert.

Being Humble: A Door to Freedom

Humility is out of fashion. I’m not sure it ever was in. Why? Perhaps we misunderstand the word and associate it with a fear of being humiliated. To be humiliated is to be embarrassed, to be lowered in the eyes of others. To be humiliated is to give someone else power to lower us from where we want to be. But humility is the exact opposite.

 

To be humble does not mean we choose to lower ourselves. It means we release ourselves from the ability to be humiliated. We cannot be humiliated unless we allow ourselves to be. By having humility, being humble, we are not placing ourselves in a position from which we can fall. That does not mean we let fear of failure keep us from trying. It means we divorce ourselves from caring about results. We release ourselves from our false pride.

 

How many times has pride gotten us into trouble? Hasn’t pride often been the source of our trying to control everything, of our constant striving for more, our worrying about other people’s actions because of how they will reflect on us, our making unreasonable demands upon ourselves just because we think we have to keep up with the Joneses?

 

Being humble means we don’t look for other people to applaud us or even to validate us. Instead, humility is our strength, our armor, our protection from other people’s opinions. To be humble is to have self-esteem. It is knowing that we are of value and we do not need anyone else to tell us so. It means if we are slighted in some way—not acknowledged for work we did, not given our fair share of something—we do not let it bother us because we already know our own self-worth.

 

When we are humble, we no longer have to be right, we don’t have to be on top, we don’t have to prove ourselves to others. It’s the difference between social climbing and having something by birthright. We are already worthy. We don’t have to prove anything. And we become more generous, giving credit to others without fear that the spotlight will not shine on us.

 

Humility is freedom. If someone wrongs us, we do not need revenge. We do not need to get even. We even find we have enough self-esteem to turn the other cheek, to overlook an insult. Rather than hurt someone who is down on his luck—even if that person has hurt us—we help him. Humility releases us from the feelings that gnaw at us—anger, pride, fear—it allows us to embrace our good side, to admit our mistakes without giving them power over us, and to be content in the moment.

 

Humility is freedom. It even frees us from the craving to be free because in it we have found freedom.

Irene Watson, MA,  is author of The Sitting Swing: Finding Wisdom to Know the Difference, and co-editor of The Story that Must Be Told: True Tales of Transformation, and Authors Access: 30 Success Secrets for Authors and Publishers. She is a workshop leader, managing editor of Reader Views, and president of a non-profit Higher Power Foundation. Irene lives next to Barton Creek in Austin, TX, with her husband Robert.

The Gift of Love

The holiday season is upon us. We scramble about to buy gifts for people, to decorate our homes, to attend holiday parties. In the process, sometimes we forget the reason for all this hustle and bustle.

 

The holidays can be a happy time, but they can also be a lonely time for many people. We may be surrounded by loved ones, but other people may feel most alone at this time of the year. We strive to do good for others during this season. We put money in the Salvation Army kettles in front of the department stores, we buy presents for children who otherwise would not have any. We remember to give because we know how lucky we are—but usually, we give money. We have more precious gifts we are often afraid to part with—our time, our love, our compassion.

 

After one of Mother Teresa’s talks, a successful businessman once asked her, “What can I do to assist in the change you are talking about? I have money; how much do you need?” She replied, “I don’t need your money. What you can do is go out into the street early tomorrow morning, find someone who is convinced they are alone and assure them they are not.”

 

There are two ways for us to care for others—the clean way and the dirty way. The clean way we give money. The dirty way we get involved. Too often, we are afraid to get involved. But getting involved doesn’t mean we have to move to Africa to care for orphans. We don’t even have to volunteer at the local homeless shelter. We can do something as small as showing love to people in our words, our smiles, the tone of our voice—to the depressed cashier at the supermarket, to the tired old woman waiting for the bus. Just by smiling and saying hello we make a difference. We can start there, and once we realize how giving is not scary, we can move to something bigger. Love will expand.

 

How much does the world need love? Mata Amritanandamayi, a Hindu spiritual leader from India, knows. She is known to the world as “the hugging mother.” People stand in long lines just to hug her, and she has been known to hug one person after another for up to twenty hours a day. She hugs them and reportedly passes on positive energy to them. Her hugs are reputedly healing and she is said to have hugged more than twenty million people.

 

To give a hug is such a simple thing, and yet so often we are afraid even to do something that simple. We must be afraid to give love; otherwise, people would not be lining up to receive hugs from one woman who is not afraid.

 

As I said, we can start small, but this holiday season, we can do better. In whatever way we can, we can give the gift of love.

Irene Watson, MA,  is author of The Sitting Swing: Finding Wisdom to Know the Difference, and co-editor of The Story that Must Be Told: True Tales of Transformation, and Authors Access: 30 Success Secrets for Authors and Publishers. She is a workshop leader, managing editor of Reader Views, and president of a non-profit Higher Power Foundation. Irene lives next to Barton Creek in Austin, TX, with her husband Robert.

If It’s Meant to Be…

It’s often said that if you love someone, you should set him or her free, and if it’s meant to be, the person will come back to you. This saying is true with people, with pets, and also with situations in our lives.

 

We often stress over people, events, things we want to happen, things we need to have happen—that job we need, money to pay the bills, the boyfriend who seems to be growing distant, the teenager who no longer wants to have a relationship with us.

 

We need to let go, to detach. Whatever the reason or explanation, detachment works. I cannot tell you how many times I have tried to control something, or worried about something I had no control over, trying to gain control over it, trying to convince everyone else to see things my way so it could happen. Then I detached and the answer came.

 

We wear ourselves out worrying, controlling, despairing over something until we can become sick with fear, anxiety, and frustration. Then finally, in frustration, we might say, “I don’t care anymore!” Perhaps, we come to this realization more peacefully, deciding we have other things we can manage to which we need to pay attention. In any case, we let it go. And then, tomorrow or the day after, we find the problem resolved, the answer before us.

 

We can save ourselves a lot of anxiety and stress simply by stopping to think about how much control we do or we don’t have over something. A useful tool to relieve stress and see things in priority is to make two lists in the morning. We can divide a piece of paper into two columns. On one side write, “Things I have to do today” and on the other side, write, “Things the Universe/God/My Higher Power will do.”

 

What do we have to do today? Send out job applications, cook a meal, do the laundry. What does the universe have to do? Figure out how to solve our son’s drug problem, find someone to help out at the food shelter, resolve the world’s economic crisis, have someone call us for a job interview. Those are issues we cannot control. Those are up to the universe.

 

There’s one other thing we need to put on our “Things I have to do today” list. We have to trust the universe. Trust that in its right time, if it is meant to be, the thing we need will be provided to us. By turning over to the universe our worries, knowing the universe is more talented at working on these issues than we are, we can feel the burden lifted off our shoulders; we can go about our day feeling relieved and waiting in joyous expectation for the resolution of what, whether we worried over it or not, will come about in its own natural way, a way that will be perfect when the time arrives.

Gratitude at Thanksgiving

Tomorrow is the holiday when families get together to share their thankfulness for all that is good in their lives. It’s also a stressful day for many people. While not as crazy as Christmas, Thanksgiving can mean traveling long distances, being busy preparing a meal, and dealing with difficult relatives.

 

Let us not lose our focus on the purpose of the day. Rather than stressing over crazy family dynamics, let’s focus on what we have—including our family—that makes us thankful. In recovery we hear a lot about gratitude. Gratitude is so important that we have a national holiday based around it. It’s a day to be positive. It’s a day of plenty—a day to remind us of all we have—a day to feel the abundance of life.

 

We express our gratitude in many ways. Perhaps we go to the family dinner and put up with relatives we don’t care to see because it makes our mother happy. We can do so with goodwill rather than beating ourselves up for acting codependent by doing what someone else wants—on holidays, we are gracious—we do for others—and it also helps our recovery. We show our love for other people by being with them, even if they are difficult. Today we overlook and forgive their faults silently.

 

Perhaps we have a big family meal. Perhaps we show our gratitude by helping prepare a meal for others. Perhaps “we” consists of just us and maybe one other person. We are grateful for that other person. We are grateful for our food, whether it’s a feast or fast food. We are grateful for whatever we have this day. Whatever we have, we know we could have less. Yes, we may want more, but we could have less, so we are grateful for the blessings we have.

 

We have so much for which to be grateful. We could spend all day just thinking of everything for which we are grateful: living in the United States, having an Internet connection on which to read this blog, being able to read, having sources of recovery, having a meal, having a warm place to sleep, having running water, having loved ones close to us.

 

We are often so focused on work and the stress of our daily lives that we forget the miracles of life around us—our parents, brothers, sisters, aunts and uncles, cousins, children, neighbors, friends, pets—the smell of turkey or mashed potatoes, the crowded joyful feeling of a house full of people, the rich colors of cranberries or sweet potatoes, the countless blessings in our lives we take for granted.

 

We remember too those who came before us. The Pilgrims, whatever their faults, did what they thought was right—we respect their courage. We remember leaders like Abraham Lincoln who established this day as a holiday, and all those who came before us and contributed to the prosperity and well-being of our country. We remember those no longer with us—parents, grandparents, those who influenced our lives. We miss them today, and we are grateful for the blessings they gave us. We are grateful for family, however we wish to define family, and to be with those we can truly call our own.

 

We are grateful for a day to remind us to be grateful. And when the day is over, hopefully we will carry gratitude with us into the days to come.

 

Irene Watson, MA,  is author of The Sitting Swing: Finding Wisdom to Know the Difference, and co-editor of The Story that Must Be Told: True Tales of Transformation, and Authors Access: 30 Success Secrets for Authors and Publishers. She is a workshop leader, managing editor of Reader Views, and president of a non-profit Higher Power Foundation. Irene lives next to Barton Creek in Austin, TX, with her husband Robert.

Having a Human Experience

The saying that we are spiritual beings having a human experience has become quite common in recent years in recovery circles and among people who are spiritually minded.

 

Most of us are searching for meaning, for a spiritual experience, but while we are so constantly yearning for that spiritual connection, we risk missing out on the full joy of the human experience we came here to have. Often we deny ourselves our human experiences—we do not eat rich foods because we shouldn’t be gluttonous, we repress our sexuality, we do not spend money on frivolous items that might give us some joy because we do not wish to be materialistic.

 

Sometimes, I ask myself why we are so afraid to embrace our earthy humanity. We were given five wonderful senses—touch, taste, smell, sight, and sound—to experience this human world. If it’s true that we chose to come into this world to have a human experience, then it’s about time we start having it.

 

It’s time to be sensuous—to stop and smell the roses, to wow our senses, to take time to listen to music we love, to eat food that tantalizes our tastebuds, to spend time just gazing at something beautiful, whether it’s a sunset, a painting, or another human being, to enjoy the sensation to our skin against different fabrics or to enjoy the feeling of our cat’s fur, our wife’s hair, of the sand between our toes.

 

Humans are programmed with senses and emotions, and we are here to enjoy them. To deny them may well be to deny why we have come to live on this planet. What would be sadder than to die, to pass back into the spirit world, only to find out we did not have the human experience we came forth to have.

 

Go out today and be human! Celebrate your humanity! Embrace this world that was created for us to enjoy in our human form.

 

Irene Watson, MA,  is author of The Sitting Swing: Finding Wisdom to Know the Difference, and co-editor of The Story that Must Be Told: True Tales of Transformation, and Authors Access: 30 Success Secrets for Authors and Publishers. She is a workshop leader, managing editor of Reader Views, and president of a non-profit Higher Power Foundation. Irene lives next to Barton Creek in Austin, TX, with her husband Robert.

Unresolved Grief

Psychiatrists and other experts tell us that when we react emotionally to a situation we often are only partially reacting to the current situation while we are also reacting to situations in our past that we view as similar. For example, being rejected by a friend may bring about grief over the lost friendship, but it might also stir up unresolved grief over a grandparent’s death.

 

We generally associate grief with death, but any loss in our lives can be a cause for grief. Because we don’t associate grief as easily with other losses, we may not take the time to mourn these losses, and consequently, the repressed emotions can come back later to upset us when we experience another loss. For example, a friend moving away is a loss that might bring back repressed grief from childhood when our best friend who lived next door moved away.

 

Losses that need to be grieved may include the death of a loved one, the loss of a relationship with a relative, friend, or coworker, the loss of a job, lost hopes such as not getting accepted into a school or program, the loss of a material possession we value such as a grandmother’s ring, or the loss of a sense of community by moving to a new place.

 

If we find ourselves overreacting to something—as codependents we are often trying to control a situation we can’t control, such as trying to stop a child from moving away to college—we may ask ourselves why we are so upset about the situation and what it is that we fear will happen. Then we can ask ourselves why we hold that fear—where did that fear come from? Most likely, it is a fear based in our past. Something went wrong in the past—we underwent a loss, and now we fear the same situation will recur, even if that fear is completely irrational and what we fear is unlikely to happen.

 

We need to grieve our losses. There are many ways to do so. If we are having difficulty determining what unresolved grief is troubling us, it’s a good idea to chart out every loss we’ve experienced in our life, from a friend, to a pet, to a job, to a grandparent. Some of these will evoke emotions of anger or depression, while others we may simply smile nostalgically over and move on. We can resolve the grief by writing a letter to the person or thing we lost and then burning it. We can try to understand the loss. We can figure out why we didn’t mourn the loss then and mourn it now. We can nurture ourselves, taking time to cry, time to mourn until we feel the pain inside us diminish.

 

Then we can face the current loss in our lives with greater strength and a new perspective where the loss may not seem as traumatic. We came through the earlier loss, and we will get through this one too. So many good things have happened for us since that earlier loss, and we trust this new loss is also going to be followed by much good. We can be thankful for the experience we had, despite the loss that followed, and we can go on with life.

Irene Watson, MA,  is author of The Sitting Swing: Finding Wisdom to Know the Difference, and co-editor of The Story that Must Be Told: True Tales of Transformation, and Authors Access: 30 Success Secrets for Authors and Publishers. She is a workshop leader, managing editor of Reader Views, and president of a non-profit Higher Power Foundation. Irene lives next to Barton Creek in Austin, TX, with her husband Robert.

Forgiving the Dead

On November 2^nd, I posted about researching our family tree to understand our ancestors and the history of dysfunction in our families. A friend of mine, who wishes to remain anonymous, wrote to me in response to that blog, and I’ve asked him to share his personal experience from working on his family of origin. What follows are his own words:

 

I was raised a Catholic. I always struggled with understanding why the Catholic Church honors people as saints and why Catholics pray to the saints for intercession. After reading your blog about family of origin, I think I better understand this partly by better understanding my paternal grandfather.

 

I was always close to my maternal grandfather, and although he’s been dead more than twenty years, I still find myself talking to him and thinking perhaps he’s watching over me. I’ve never talked to my deceased paternal grandfather in this way. But after doing my family of origin work, I’ve gone from seeing him as an ornery old man to a human being deserving love.

 

The same day I read your blog, I happened to be reading Melody Beattie’s book “The New Codependency,” in which she briefly talks about praying for our ancestors. I have started praying for my paternal grandfather now, asking God to forgive him for his faults, or perhaps to let him know I forgive him and I still value his contribution to my life—I want him to know that despite his flaws, his life did matter.

 

The first time I prayed for him, within just a few minutes, I felt overcome almost with tears but also with a great feeling of release. I felt love beyond just sympathy for him. I barely knew him because he died when I was only nine and lived a few hours away. I know him mostly from what people said about him—mostly negative things about his temper, but I’ve learned to interpret these things against the larger picture of how difficult his life was. Now I feel I do know him. Now I talk to him like I do my other grandfather.

 

This experience has made me think I better understand about asking saints to intercede for us, or even the idea of ancestor worship—we pray or simply talk to our ancestors—it’s like we are asking them to witness our stories just like people would do for us at a Twelve-Step meeting. The saints may not respond to our requests, but they witness our struggles and our words. The Bible says the Holy Spirit intercedes for us with great groanings when our own words are inadequate. By talking to saints or ancestors about our lives, we are putting our thoughts into words. We make our thoughts and intentions more clear and we bring about healing in the process. The Bible tells us the Word is the Creation. I get that now. Even if it’s only in our heads, by believing we have a loved one, a sympathetic soul listening to us, we create our own healing.

 

By speaking to my paternal grandfather, I’m letting him know I honor him, that had he lived longer, as an adult I would have wanted to know him, to have a relationship with him. I am healing a family rift. I’m providing healing for him and healing for myself, and hoping that someday my loved ones will equally forgive my faults. Sometimes I even listen to my grandfather. I feel he is telling me to love his son, my father, since he is not there to do so any longer and he wishes he had done a better job of it. My relationship with my father is not what I would like, but by reconnecting with my grandfather, I better understand my father now too.

 

Doing family of origin work and praying for and talking to my grandfather has made me realize how human we all are, and it’s given me gratitude for this incredible learning experience that our family gives us. It makes me appreciate that only by having this human experience can our souls learn these lessons about the value of relationships.

 

Irene Watson, MA,  is author of The Sitting Swing: Finding Wisdom to Know the Difference, and co-editor of The Story that Must Be Told: True Tales of Transformation, and Authors Access: 30 Success Secrets for Authors and Publishers. She is a workshop leader, managing editor of Reader Views, and president of a non-profit Higher Power Foundation. Irene lives next to Barton Creek in Austin, TX, with her husband Robert.

You Talk Too Much

We all know one of these people. Someone you can’t have a conversation with because you can’t get a word in. I once knew a girl who never finished a sentence. If she finished one subject, she would say “and…” until she thought of something else to say—she didn’t want me to respond to anything—she wanted to keep talking from fear I would say, “I have to go” and then she’d be left with silence. It’s funny that she even needed someone to talk to since she could have just talked to the wall, and it would have had about the same effect, but truthfully, she needed attention; she at least needed someone to listen to her.

 

The longer we are in recovery, the more we learn about how codependency plays itself out in different ways with different people. Talking too much is a form of codependency, or more specifically, a form of control. People who talk non-stop are trying to control the conversation—perhaps because they are afraid of your responses, perhaps because they are afraid of silence—perhaps they don’t even care about the conversation; they are just lonely and want to keep you listening—we see this especially with older people who will use talking too much as a way to keep someone around. It’s really a form of manipulation.

 

We can love these people. We can feel sympathy for them, but we also can take back control of our time from them. Out of kindness, we can call them or visit them when it’s convenient for us. If they call us at a bad time, we can let the answering machine get it, or we can say, “I only have ten minutes right now. Will that work, or I can call you back later?” We can schedule them into our lives when it’s convenient for us, not when it’s convenient for them.

 

Admittedly, it is harder with elderly people. We may have a duty to a parent, or feel we have one to a grandparent, aunt, or uncle. In such cases, we can try to be active in the conversation. Rather than just letting them talk and saying “Uh huh” we can plan a conversation with them ahead of time—we can think of things we would like to talk to them about and visualize how the conversation will go. This preparation will make us more in the mindset for the conversation, and it will make us more present during the talk. It will make the talkative person feel we are listening to them, that we are interested in what they have to say. They might even start listening to us.

 

There but for the grace of God go I. We are in recovery just like the talkers. Our codependency may have manifested itself in different ways, but we can still sympathize with these people. We try to find balance, while remembering out boundaries, and we hope the other person will meet us part way.

 

Irene Watson, MA,  is author of The Sitting Swing: Finding Wisdom to Know the Difference, and co-editor of The Story that Must Be Told: True Tales of Transformation, and Authors Access: 30 Success Secrets for Authors and Publishers. She is a workshop leader, managing editor of Reader Views, and president of a non-profit Higher Power Foundation. Irene lives next to Barton Creek in Austin, TX, with her husband Robert.

Dealing with Controlling Know-It-Alls

Dysfunction can come in many forms. Sometimes it comes in the form of someone who knows it all. Such people may not even realize they know it all, but they apparently do since they are always ready to tell us how to do something or to do it better.

 

A kind suggestion now and then is appropriate, but when people tell us what color to paint our kitchens, why we need to buy a bookshelf, which school we should send our children to, how to vote, and how to trim our rosebushes, they obviously have a problem. They are control freaks, and if we’ve learned anything in recovery, it’s that controlling is a form of codependency.

 

Control freaks and know-it-alls deserve a little sympathy. That doesn’t mean we do what they want. That doesn’t mean we let them take over, but as people in recovery ourselves, we can realize they probably have low self-esteem issues or suffer from feeling their opinions are not of value. They are looking for gratitude and praise for sharing their ideas and making a difference in our lives. If they give us a good idea, we can thank them. If we implement the idea and it works, we can let them know it made a difference—after all, there’s nothing wrong with letting other people feel good about themselves.

 

Sometimes, however, we don’t care for their suggestions, and we can say “Thanks, but no thanks.” If they become insistent, we need to set a boundary with them. If we tell someone, “I don’t want to shop at Dick’s Family Foods even if the prices are lower because I like shopping at the FastMart” and the other person keeps telling us about the great prices at Dick’s Family Foods and tries to push the store’s coupons on us, then we can politely but firmly tell them to drop the subject. If we need to, we can also ask them why it matters so much to them and ask them why they feel the need to control us. Hopefully, it won’t come to that, but we don’t have to put up with people badgering us to do what we don’t want to do.

 

If we need to, we make it clear we do not want the person in our life. Such people may start out acting helpful but pretty quickly it can become clear that they live by the rule “It’s my way or the highway.” If that’s the case, wish them a nice journey and take the highway—you’ll get where you want to go faster without them. Even if they “know-it-all” that does not mean they know what is best for you, and even if they did, being controlled by someone else is never best for us. We are adults who can make our own decisions. We got this far in life without such people’s help and we will continue to do so.

 

We can part without anger—we can keep them in our prayers hoping someday they will know the one thing they still haven’t come to realize.

 

Irene Watson, MA,  is author of The Sitting Swing: Finding Wisdom to Know the Difference, and co-editor of The Story that Must Be Told: True Tales of Transformation, and Authors Access: 30 Success Secrets for Authors and Publishers. She is a workshop leader, managing editor of Reader Views, and president of a non-profit Higher Power Foundation. Irene lives next to Barton Creek in Austin, TX, with her husband Robert.

Online Support Groups

When we start recovery, it’s common to go to a counselor or therapist or to attend a support group such as a Twelve-Step meeting, but another wonderful way to find support from other people is online. Numerous support groups exist as email listservs or online forums through Yahoo, and through Twelve Step group websites. These groups can be especially helpful for people who live in small towns where support groups may not exist as well as for people who feel resistance or may hesitate to attend a group in their community. A simple Google search can bring up many support groups, and the Yahoo directories list several groups at http://groups.yahoo.com/

 

Online groups do differ from Twelve-Step groups where we meet in person. While Twelve-Step groups do not allow crosstalk, online groups are there to ask questions, share experiences, and get feedback from others. While you do not have to reveal anything you do not want to, people will see your email address, but at Yahoo you can create a new email address to be whatever you want to protect your anonymity.

 

Confidentiality is as important in online groups as groups that meet in person. Many of these groups require that before you join, you send an email to the group moderator explaining why you want to join the group. This prerequisite is to make sure only people who legitimately want to belong and are sincere will be added to the list, and to protect the privacy of the group. You will usually have to agree to the terms of the group, particularly being confidential. You agree not to repeat what the group shares either verbally or by forwarding emails. The moderator will have to approve your membership, and the moderator also has the right to remove people from the group if they become belligerent toward other members or are in violation of the terms of agreement.

 

Time is also a difference with online groups. People can post messages at anytime day and night, and the members can then read them at their convenience or not read them as they choose. Informative subject lines help people weed out what they do and do not want to read. The result is that conversations on one topic can continue twenty-four hours a day and continue for days rather than be limited to a one hour live meeting. You can also go back and reread what was said so you can better remember it.

 

Online etiquette is important in online groups. Because people respond to each other, we need to remember to be polite to one another. We also need to remember that the written word can be interpreted differently than speech, meaning we cannot hear the person’s tone of voice or read his or her body language. We do not write in capital letters because this is considered equivalent to yelling at someone.

 

Community is just as important in an online group as a group that meets in your town, but you will have a wider chance to meet people from other cities and even countries that can often help to widen your perspective. You also don’t usually need to worry about bumping into these people around your hometown. You might make new friends, but just as at a Twelve-Step group, you do not have to exchange phone numbers with people unless you want to; you do not have to agree to be contacted outside the group by email or any other form.

 

Whether you are nervous, have time constraints, or just prefer talking online, joining an online support group can be a rich and rewarding form of recovery. Take the chance to begin your online recovery journey today!

 

Irene Watson, MA,  is author of The Sitting Swing: Finding Wisdom to Know the Difference, and co-editor of The Story that Must Be Told: True Tales of Transformation, and Authors Access: 30 Success Secrets for Authors and Publishers. She is a workshop leader, managing editor of Reader Views, and president of a non-profit Higher Power Foundation. Irene lives next to Barton Creek in Austin, TX, with her husband Robert.

Secrets - The Skeletons in Our Closets

In my last post, I talked about researching the codependency, addictions, and dysfunction in our family trees. I also warned that sometimes our older relatives will not want to share information with us.

 

Every family has its secrets, its skeletons in the closet. People even just a generation or two back were much more secretive and private than today. An unmarried mother was a disgrace to her family. An alcoholic wasn’t talked about. Morals were different in those days. People hid more often behind shame and fear rather than trying to understand dysfunction and work through it.

 

While we might choose to think people did a better job of behaving themselves back then, more likely, they were just better at keeping secrets, and those secrets often broke up homes, led to unwanted children being given away to protect the family, led to more domestic and child abuse because no one would talk about it, and if people knew, they wouldn’t rat on their neighbors.

 

Today, we still keep secrets. Sometimes we have our own secrets, things we are too ashamed to tell other people. It is okay to keep secrets so we can protect ourselves, but it also helps to find someone we can trust to talk to. Secrets often destroy us inside. We make them out to be worse than they are until we find ourselves living our lives in fear, denying who we are from fear someone will find out about the one awful thing we did, or perhaps simply something about us that isn’t even that awful, but we are afraid people will disapprove of it and we will be rejected. Finding a counselor, an anonymous group where secrecy is respected, or a trusted friend is a good place to start to let go of the shame, to refuse to let a secret control our life.

 

Often we are raised in families with secrets. We may have a parent who continually tells us, “Don’t tell anyone…about your father’s drinking problem, about your brother’s cocaine addiction, that your mother has been cheating on me.” If we are children, it is inappropriate for parents to expect us to keep their secrets, but we may be burdened with them anyway, allowing them to make us grow up in fear. If we are adults, we can do better. We can be open and honest rather than creating families where secrets are allowed to prolong and feed shame. We can also help loved ones find a path to a better life beyond the shadows and closed doors where secrets force us to hide. While we can’t make anyone else do anything, we can let loved ones know that we still love them despite their secrets, that we accept them for who they are, and if appropriate, we can direct them to counseling, to a Twelve-Step group, or to literature to help them come to terms with whatever secrets they are keeping.

 

Secrets eventually can become our friends. Once we let go of the shame, we can step into the light and when light is cast on a secret, we often find that what we feared about the secret being known did not happen, that revealing the secret was not as scary as we expected. The secret led to our growth, to our opening the locked door and stepping forward into fresh air and a new day.

 

Irene Watson, MA,  is author of The Sitting Swing: Finding Wisdom to Know the Difference, and co-editor of The Story that Must Be Told: True Tales of Transformation, and Authors Access: 30 Success Secrets for Authors and Publishers. She is a workshop leader, managing editor of Reader Views, and president of a non-profit Higher Power Foundation. Irene lives next to Barton Creek in Austin, TX, with her husband Robert.

The Fine Line—Codependency, Politics, & Religion

I find myself swayed both ways in the current debate on healthcare. Perhaps that’s because I can see both sides. Perhaps it’s because my codependency comes calling to me on these social issues. It is a social issue—an issue that concerns taking care of people, and taking care of people always causes concerns for me about falling back into codependent behavior.
 

I find myself agreeing with President Obama and the proponents for health care reform when they declare that no one in the United States should want for adequate medical care. After all, we live in the richest nation on earth, but how great are we if we cannot take care of our own citizens? It’s a heartfelt belief we should help those less fortunate. It’s the spiritual thing to do. Despite all the faults of organized religion—the prejudice, the disagreements over theological issues that overlook the purpose of mainstream religion—it’s the belief in charity, love of neighbor, and being kind that are what matter most about religion. While we have separation of church and state in this country—precisely because of those flaws of organized religion—we are, if not a spiritual people, hopefully a good people who care about other people, and there’s nothing wrong with caring about people.

 

But the other side of the debate over healthcare has within it a fear that we will become a socialist nation. What is wrong with socialism? Isn’t it a religious ideal that everyone should be treated equally and have what he or she needs? But in doing so, aren’t we also letting people feel entitled to having something without effort. The fault of socialism is that it leaves no place for people to be motivated to try harder since they will have to retain an equality with their neighbors. While healthcare may not have anything to do with class mobility or recognition for achievement, it does ask that people financially give of their dollars to take care of one another. We should take care of each other, but is it the role of government to force us to do so? Will universal healthcare, as welfare has done in many cases, replace the need to work for something? Is it enabling people as we codependents would be tempted to do?

 

I don’t have the answers to what is an acceptable form of healthcare reform. But I think we should each look into our own ideas about healthcare to see whether codependency is rearing its head in this issue. In the United States’ constant efforts to take care of the world’s problems, have we become a codependent nation?

 

As a recovering codependent, I still want to help people, but I also know that sometimes helping people is detrimental to them and to me. Are we our brother’s keeper? Or can we simply be our neighbor’s friend? Who is our neighbor? What do we owe to our neighbors, to our fellow Americans, to our fellow human beings? What would Buddha do? What do we owe to ourselves? We each have to answer those questions for ourselves on this issue.

Irene Watson, MA,  is author of The Sitting Swing: Finding Wisdom to Know the Difference, and co-editor of The Story that Must Be Told: True Tales of Transformation, and Authors Access: 30 Success Secrets for Authors and Publishers. She is a workshop leader, managing editor of Reader Views, and president of a non-profit Higher Power Foundation. Irene lives next to Barton Creek in Austin, TX, with her husband Robert.

Get a Different Perspective

Life can be overwhelming at times, or is it just our perspective of whether or not it is overwhelming? Part of rewriting the script is literally changing our thoughts and the way we word our sentences.

Most of how we function in life depends on our attitude, viewpoint, and perspective.

Let’s take an example of a day when you feel frazzled. Work is piling up, you have to bring the kids to soccer practice, and pick up the dry-cleaning; your mother wants you to come over to help her with something, and the toilet overflowed that morning. Is this a bad day—is it a crazy day?

Recently, one of my friends told me she had a lot to do but she felt her life was abundant. Remembering her words has helped me a lot when I start to feel overwhelmed with work, or when I feel I’m too "busy." Instead, I tell myself that my life is abundant. After all, I certainly prefer abundant to empty.

Here are a few ways we can change our perspective on some of the above scenario by simply rephrasing and thereby making ourselves feel better.

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"I have to pick up the dry-cleaning."

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"How nice that I’ll have a freshly pressed shirt to wear tomorrow. I enjoy how it feels against my skin."

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"I can’t believe how much work I have to do. I’ll have to work extra long hours this week."

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"It’s great to have all this extra work—it’s definitely job security. And the extra money from the overtime can go into my retirement fund so I can play more later."

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"I’m so tired of running my kids around to all of these extracurricular activities all the time."

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"It’s wonderful that my children are so interested in sports/music/participating. I’m proud to have talented go-getter children who have many interests."

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"I wish my mother would let me know sooner when she needs me to help with something rather than waiting until the last minute."

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"I’m glad my mom asks me for help. After all the years she took care of me, I’m happy to repay the favor, and I enjoy how it gives us time to bond."

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"I hate when the toilet overflows. I hate cleaning up the mess."

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"Cleaning up an overflowing toilet once in a great while is a small price to pay for indoor plumbing. I’m so much more fortunate than people who have outhouses."

Again, it’s all about how we choose to look at things. A lot of things in life can get us down, but most of the time, they are really little things, and if we choose, we can see that they are good things—they show that we are alive, that our lives are abundant!

Next time you feel yourself getting angry or irritated about something, pause and think about how you can rewrite the script with a new perspective. You’ll find life becomes much easier much more quickly.

Irene Watson, MA,  is author of The Sitting Swing: Finding Wisdom to Know the Difference, and co-editor of The Story that Must Be Told: True Tales of Transformation, and Authors Access: 30 Success Secrets for Authors and Publishers. She is a workshop leader, managing editor of Reader Views, and president of a non-profit Higher Power Foundation. Irene lives next to Barton Creek in Austin, TX, with her husband Robert.

Recovery and Children

When we are in recovery, we spend a lot of time thinking back to our childhoods. We think about our family of origin, the addictions or dysfunctional behavior of our parents, siblings, aunts, uncles, or grandparents. We wonder why it is that of all the parents in the world, we had to end up with abusive ones. We wonder why our older brother had to sexually abuse us, or why our grandmother had to be putting us down all the time. We wish we had different childhoods.

We may forget, however, about the future and the family of the present. What about our children? Yes, we’ve already done better than the generations before us. Our children are safe, they are not being abused, maybe they even hear "I love you" from us. Our children hopefully are not living a life like we knew as children, but what are we doing, besides making sure that bad things aren’t happening to them, to make sure that good things are happening to them?

Did your grandmother tell you that you’d never amount to anything? Have you told your daughter that she can grow up to be anything she wants to be whether it’s a ballerina, an astronaut, a teacher, or President of the United States, and that whatever she grows up to be, you will always love and support her?

Did your father physically beat you as a child? Have you told your son you know he is capable of beating all the odds and making it as a professional football player, an actor, an entrepreneur, or a chef in a five star restaurant if he puts his mind to it, and that you will help him all the way?

Have you encouraged your children to dream? Have you encouraged them to face their fears and soar beyond them?

When you think about your childhood and what went wrong, think about the limitations imposed on you, the boundaries, the things people told you that you couldn’t do. Turn those messages around. For every "You can’t" you heard as a child, tell your child ten times over, "You can."

When you hear your child express doubt about himself and his abilities, or you hear her telling her sibling they aren’t capable of doing something, pull them aside and tell them an inspirational story. Make them believe they can. Remember "The Little Engine That Could"? Make sure your children know that story and many like it.

Getting past the negative in our family is only half of breaking the cycle. The other half is starting a new cycle, a positive cycle of creating enthusiastic, successful, fearless children with a "CAN-DO" attitude. Raise your children so they will soar in life!

Irene Watson, MA,  is author of The Sitting Swing: Finding Wisdom to Know the Difference, and co-editor of The Story that Must Be Told: True Tales of Transformation, and Authors Access: 30 Success Secrets for Authors and Publishers. She is a workshop leader, managing editor of Reader Views, and president of a non-profit Higher Power Foundation. Irene lives next to Barton Creek in Austin, TX, with her husband Robert.

Affirmations & Inspirational Quotations

When we are recovering, we find ourselves starting to feel a little better, but that can also be scary because we’re not used to it. Rather than retreat, we need constant reminders that we are on the right path. Affirmations and inspirational quotations are a great help in this process.

We can write affirmations for ourselves. Many people like to make their own little affirmation cards using index cards or just slips of paper. Sometimes they post them around the house—on the refrigerator, the bathroom mirror, wherever they will see them. Write affirmations for yourself that will affirm you and your goals and dreams. Here are a few for starters.

I am a loveable child of God.

I can do anything I set my mind to.

When I am afraid to do something, it’s a sign I should do it so I can be stronger.

I know what is best for me.

My body breathes in love and heals itself.

I am a source of love and happiness to others.

My thoughts go out into the universe and bring back to me positive reinforcements.

All my needs will be met today. All I have to do is allow it to happen.

If I focus on being happy as my ultimate goal, I will make the best decisions for both others and me.

Inspirational quotations are also wonderful, and they are usually said by people we admire and who serve as examples of success, courage, and faith. They can be reminders of what we need to hear to carry on with our lives and our goals. Here are a few of my favorite quotes:

"If you hear a voice within you say ‘you cannot paint’ then by all means paint and that voice will be silenced." — Vincent Van Gogh

"Whether you think you can, or you think you can’t, you’re right." — Henry Ford

"Formulate and stamp indelibly on your mind a mental picture of yourself as succeeding. Hold this picture tenaciously. Never permit it to fade. Your mind will seek to develop the picture...Do not build up obstacles in your imagination." — Norman Vincent Peale

"Fear and God do not occupy the same place." — Reverend Dick Gregory

"You wouldn’t have the desire if you didn’t have the ability to achieve it." — Ralph Waldo Emerson

I suggest you find a little book or place to write down great quotations when you find them. You will find yourself going back to them time and time again and drawing renewed strength from them. You’ll also find them constantly in your thoughts, and you will come to be inspired by them and have them available to inspire and affirm others.

Affirmations and inspirational quotations are a great tool for "rewriting the script"—they help to rewire our brain to a new, positive, and more productive way of thinking.

Irene Watson, MA,  is author of The Sitting Swing: Finding Wisdom to Know the Difference, and co-editor of The Story that Must Be Told: True Tales of Transformation, and Authors Access: 30 Success Secrets for Authors and Publishers. She is a workshop leader, managing editor of Reader Views, and president of a non-profit Higher Power Foundation. Irene lives next to Barton Creek in Austin, TX, with her husband Robert.

“You Can’t Do That!”

Too often those of us in recovery have let other people’s opinions hold us back from doing and being who we are. And we have allowed fear to keep us from even trying to do things.

Somewhere in life someone told us or made us feel we weren’t pretty enough, smart enough, strong enough, talented enough to do it, and we sadly listened and caved in.

Don’t do it! Don’t listen to the negative voices. Don’t stay within the walls others build for you. Prove people wrong.

A few years back, a talking Barbie doll was made that had in its repertoire of sayings, "Math is hard."

The feminists righteously were furious about this, angered by the stereotype that girls were not good at math. What a horrible example for our daughters to have a doll—not even a human being—brainwashing them into thinking math has to be hard for them because they are girls.

Fortunately, many of us are too smart or too strong to listen. Our human spirits should be, and are, stronger than whatever "You can’t" or "That’s too hard" phrases we hear.

If everyone listened to such voices, nothing would be accomplished. We would not have lightbulbs, automobiles, computers, helicopters, music, books, movies, even the wheel. We’d be back in the Stone Age.

We have inner voices we should listen to instead—and not that negative voice of fear—but the inner guidance voice, the voice that tells us to do something because our heart tells us to, because to do so is following our bliss and passion, because it is what we believe is right to do, even if only right for us.

Recently, one of my friends quit his day-job to become self-employed. People told him, "You can’t afford to do that" but his response was always, "Yes I can and here’s why" and he listed his prospective customers that would make his dream a reality. In truth, he wasn’t sure he could afford it either, but he knew he could no longer stay at the job that was draining his energy when he could be self-employed doing what he loved. He talked himself into it as he justified it to other people. He told me he recently came across the following quote, and whenever he feels fear about being self-employed, it helps him change his perspective.

"No person who is enthusiastic about his work has anything to fear from life." – Samuel Goldwyn

And he is doing fine, making more money now than he did at his day-job, and oodles happier.

So next time someone tells you, "You can’t," be sure to reply, "I can and I will!" Don’t let anything hold you back from doing what makes you happy and what is right for you.

Have Fun—Step Outside the Box

Children are full of imagination. They don’t immediately squelch their ideas and thoughts with "That won’t work" or "People will think I’m (silly/dumb/stupid etc.) if I do that."

But as we get older and grow up, we start to worry what other people will think. We start to squelch ourselves from having fun from fear of what others will say about us.

Today, find that child in you again. Here are a few stories of people I know that have done just that.

I have a friend in his thirties who as a child loved the Smurfs—not just the cartoon, but he had a bunch of the little figurines. When he got older, he boxed the figurines up and left them in his parents’ basement. Then when he bought his first home, he brought his belongings from his parents’ house and rediscovered his Smurf collection. He first thought about putting them on display in his house—then he decided people would think that silly—then he decided, who cares? Not only did he buy a large glass case to display them in, but he started to collect more. His collection has now grown until what was the intended "guest room" has become the "Smurf room." When asked what his guests think about it, he replies, "Love me; love my Smurfs." Although he doesn’t spend a lot of time in the guest room, he finds if he’s having a down day, just a few minutes in that room will make him start to feel "smurfy."

Another friend of mine recently went to the state fair. He hadn’t been to one in years, but when he used to go, riding the rides was always part of the experience. He was dismayed when none of his approaching forty friends would ride with him. He bought tickets and got in line—and was even more dismayed to find he was the oldest person in line. One of his friends told him he was lucky the ride operators didn’t tell him he couldn’t ride from fear he might have a heart-attack. My friend just laughed, enjoyed that he is still young at heart, and rode all afternoon with glee.

Another friend recalled a day at work when her co-worker made a simple paper badge and pinned it to her shirt. The badge said, "I feel pretty." Whenever anyone saw it, they would laugh or at least smile, and then my friend would start laughing all over again. My friend said it cheered up her day immensely.

These examples may be a bit extreme to start with, but what can you do to let your inner child, that gleeful, youthful, fun spirit out? Groups like the red hat ladies exist for this reason—to flaunt their age and show they can still have fun wearing their red and purple.

Most importantly, don’t forget that the purpose is not to make yourself look ridiculous. Do what makes you comfortable, but just slightly not—stepping outside the box. Have fun and energize your spirit. Like the old song says, "It doesn’t matter if it’s not good enough for anyone else to hear. Just sing. Sing a song."

Irene Watson, MA,  is author of The Sitting Swing: Finding Wisdom to Know the Difference, and co-editor of The Story that Must Be Told: True Tales of Transformation, and Authors Access: 30 Success Secrets for Authors and Publishers. She is a workshop leader, managing editor of Reader Views, and president of a non-profit Higher Power Foundation. Irene lives next to Barton Creek in Austin, TX, with her husband Robert.

Trusting Ourselves

Learning to trust ourselves is one of the most important lessons of recovery. In the past, we have too often relied on other people to give us the answers—whether their answers were right or wrong; we surrendered our power to them, looking to them for approval and guidance.

It is fine to ask for help, to ask for someone’s advice or opinion, but it is not fine to give that person’s advice power over what we know is true for ourselves. How many times have we heard stories of people who did amazing things who were surrounded by naysayers, who laughed at them or told them what they wanted to accomplish was impossible? The world would be back in the stone ages had people listened always to other people rather than trusting themselves.

We can ask twenty people for their advice and get twenty different answers, or half of them might say, "Yes," and half say, "No." Most of the time we are not really asking for advice, but hoping people will agree with us. In our hearts, we know what is right for us. We just have to trust ourselves.

Inner child therapy teaches us to talk to our inner child. The inner child is the scared little boy or girl who sees doom coming if we do something that makes us nervous. We can have our inner adult talk to that inner child, consoling him, promising him that everything will be all right because we will take care of him. That is what trusting ourselves is about. Reassuring that frightened child inside us that there is an adult in charge, someone with a Higher Power who will make sure everything is okay. That someone in charge is us.

No one is going to know what is right for us better than ourselves. Sometimes we may make mistakes, but usually those mistakes result from our listening to other people or not doing what is right for us out of fear. We cannot live in fear. We cannot move forward if we listen to fear’s voice. Trusting ourselves means letting go of fear; it includes trusting God or our Higher Power.

When we feel we cannot trust ourselves, when we do not know what to do, we turn to our Higher Power. We ask to be granted "the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference." We make our decision based on where the issue falls—something we can or cannot change—and we do what is best for us. We trust the answer will come, the right answer for us.

We are all gifted with intuition, with an inner guidance system. We just need to listen for its voice telling us what to do next. The voice will speak. We will get the answer we need. It may help to meditate or pray to hear the voice. It helps not to let the people around us drown out our inner voice with their own. We may have to be patient, but we can trust that the answer will come. We can trust ourselves.

Time to Move On

Once we begin recovery, we may wonder whether it will ever end. We may go to a Twelve-Step group looking for answers to solve our problem, to overcome our codependency or our addiction. We find out the answers are not easy. We find no one can tell us what to do. We keep going for weeks, then months, then years, slowly "getting it," slowly learning how to recover, to heal, to restore our relationships, to balance our lives, to live our lives again.

We gather tools for our toolbox that we can pull out as situations arise. We learn to deal with various situations in a healthy manner. We draw strength and courage from the people who come and go at the meetings we attend.

Then the day may come when going to the meeting no longer seems to help us. It starts to feel like a chore. We could not foresee this day coming when we began because it felt like we had so much to learn that we would never get to a place of feeling safe, of knowing how to stand by our boundaries, of not acting codependent.

The learning never ends. There are lessons throughout life. Our codependency may be dormant, but it may never go away. Even so, we now know how to handle it.

Do we start to think about not going to our meetings anymore? Maybe we skip a couple out of disinterest or seeing whether it makes a difference. We may find that we are not as strong when we don’t go. Or, we may find that we stay strong without going. We may find that simply reading a meditation book or praying the serenity prayer is sufficient reminder to us not to slip back into codependent behavior.

We may be feeling codependent about leaving the group. Do we feel we have to come for the sake of helping other people’s recovery? Are we being codependent by feeling that way?

The whole reason we have come to the meeting was to heal. If we now feel healed, it is okay not to attend any longer. We are not responsible for someone else’s recovery. We are responsible for living our lives in the least codependent way possible, and for using the tools in our toolbox when we need them. We can move on to the next stage of our journey without feeling guilt, without feeling sadness, without feeling codependent.

We have reached a milestone. We can celebrate how far we’ve come. If we later feel the need to return to the meeting, we can. But for now at least, we give ourselves permission to go forward to live a rich, happy, fulfilling life, trusting ourselves to know what to do as each situation arrives. After all, that’s the whole reason we started attending in the first place.

Irene Watson, MA,  is author of The Sitting Swing: Finding Wisdom to Know the Difference, and co-editor of The Story that Must Be Told: True Tales of Transformation, and Authors Access: 30 Success Secrets for Authors and Publishers. She is a workshop leader, managing editor of Reader Views, and president of a non-profit Higher Power Foundation. Irene lives next to Barton Creek in Austin, TX, with her husband Robert.

Let Go and Experience the Magic

The Law of Attraction has received a lot of attention, and many people in recovery have found it useful because of how well it correlates with what they learn in recovery.

We are often taught about "Letting Go." The Law of Attraction refers to the same concept as "Allowing."

When we are upset about something, we tend to think negatively about it. We obsess and worry about it. We try to manipulate and control it, but no matter what we do, it doesn’t seem to help; if anything, it makes things worse.

Letting go brings us peace of mind. We learn to live without whatever we wanted. Letting go is equivalent to "allowing." We no longer are blocking what we want by worrying over it. Worrying only brings negative energy that pushes away what we want. By no longer focusing on what we want to happen, we allow it to happen. We can even help it along by envisioning it as already having happened.

For example, instead of saying, "I wish my son would quit drinking," we learn to let our son live his own life. Then we can envision him as sober, happy, and productive. The more we push our son by complaining about his drinking, the more he will rebel. When we let him be his own person, and we hold him in our hearts with love, envisioning his happiness, we have let go of our frustration and we allow healing to begin. We may be surprised by the results.

Watch your thoughts this week. When you feel upset or angry about something, stop yourself from saying phrases such as, "I wish" and "If only." Instead, whatever the situation, let go of it. Allow it to right itself.

If you love someone or something, set it free, and if it’s meant to be, it will come back to you. That’s how the Law of Attraction works. We allow and what we want is attracted to us. Let go and allow joy back into your life.

Irene Watson, MA,  is author of The Sitting Swing: Finding Wisdom to Know the Difference, and co-editor of The Story that Must Be Told: True Tales of Transformation, and Authors Access: 30 Success Secrets for Authors and Publishers. She is a workshop leader, managing editor of Reader Views, and president of a non-profit Higher Power Foundation. Irene lives next to Barton Creek in Austin, TX, with her husband Robert.

Take a Rest

It’s Labor Day. So take a rest today from labor. Take a rest from work, from worry, from anything that causes you stress.

Too often we fill our free time so that it isn’t free anymore. We have family commitments, floors to sweep, bathrooms to clean, groups we belong to, lawns to mow, repairs to make. We tell ourselves we are going to enjoy our weekend, but before we know it, the weekend is over.

It’s Monday today and the weekend is over. It should be a workday, but that’s what Labor Day is all about—a day to rest from work. It’s a free day that doesn’t have to count as a weekday or weekend. Relish it.

Put your feet up. Drink that extra cup of coffee while you read the morning paper. If you like to garden, go ahead and enjoy yourself, but if it feels like work to you, find something fun to do instead. Read a good book. Watch a good movie. Spend time with family if you want to spend time with them. Eat a snack. Listen to your favorite music.

Enjoy nature. It’s the last real day of summer, so go lie on the beach. Go for a swim. Have a picnic. Walk through the woods. Reconnect with the natural world around you. Sit quietly. Close your eyes and really listen—listen to the leaves blowing in the breeze, the sound of bumblebees, the lapping of waves on the shore, the quiet sound of squirrels scurrying in the woods. Lie on your back and watch the clouds go by as they change their shapes.

Feel your connection with the earth, with the universe. The earth is our mother. Let it nurture you today.

Once you feel refreshed, nurture those around you. Give your spouse a backrub. Make the kids their favorite dinner. Play with the dog.

Go back and lie in the grass as it gets dark. Watch the sunset and then the stars come out. Don’t forget to wish on the first star you see. Take a bubble bath before going to bed.

Place your head on your pillow and fall asleep counting your blessings.

Today, the only work you have to do is to remember how to work at not working. Today, it is enough just to be. I give you permission to take the day off.

Irene Watson, MA,  is author of The Sitting Swing: Finding Wisdom to Know the Difference, and co-editor of The Story that Must Be Told: True Tales of Transformation, and Authors Access: 30 Success Secrets for Authors and Publishers. She is a workshop leader, managing editor of Reader Views, and president of a non-profit Higher Power Foundation. Irene lives next to Barton Creek in Austin, TX, with her husband Robert.

Ten Tips to Relax and Heal

Today we constantly hear about diseases and pills we can take to cure our aches and pains. We stress over having health insurance and being able to afford healthcare. We worry about the future and whether we’ll be able to take care of ourselves.

But if anything is really bad for our bodies, it’s stress. The constant hectic pace, the pressures and expectations placed upon us, especially those we take on unwillingly, all add to our stress which weakens our immune systems and causes our bodies to function at less than optimum level. Ultimately, disease and physical breakdowns can happen if we don’t take the most basic of preventive measures—learning to relax.

Nothing is more important than to take care of our health. Without our health, we will have nothing and be unable to achieve all the other tasks before us. Carving out "me time" and nurturing our bodies is essential for our good health, positive mindset, and general well-being.

Here are just a few tips to help you relax. You should easily be able to find time to do at least a few of these.

1. When you feel overwhelmed, stop and breathe. A few deep breaths, inhaling through your nose and exhaling through your mouth, will send oxygen to the brain and release tension.

2. Go for a walk. Even if it’s just walking from your desk to the bathroom, a short walk helps to restore energy.

3. Leave the office at lunchtime. Don’t take a working lunch and don’t eat in the break room. Even if you only eat in your car, you allow your body to relax by being away from workplace stimulants for a few minutes.

4. Listen to music. Few things soothe the soul more than music. If stressed, find relaxing music—nature sounds, light jazz, easy listening. If worried or afraid, positive songs about achieving the impossible such as "To Dream the Impossible Dream" or "Climb Every Mountain" will bolster your spirits and encourage you in your task.

5. Take time to be quiet. Just a few minutes to sit and meditate, even just to stare out the window or listen to the silence, can have a healing effect.

6. Clear your mind. Try to sit quietly and think of nothing. Focusing on your breathing will help to clear your mind and put things in perspective.

7. Experience healthy touch. If you have a partner, give each other backrubs. Go to a massage therapist. Or simply be generous with hugging people.

8. Get exercise. A brisk walk clears the brain, increases endorphins and a general sense of feeling good. More vigorous exercise such as running, bicycling, or lifting weights will help you feel stronger, healthier, and more positive about your ability to accomplish difficult tasks.

9. Eat nutritious foods. This may seem difficult, but start small. Have a piece of fruit for breakfast. Replace a candy bar in the afternoon with an apple. Your body will start to feel better and you’ll feel inspired to do more to improve your diet.

10. Make a date with yourself. Schedule in time for yourself to do whatever you enjoy doing—watching a movie, reading a book, going for a walk. Pay yourself first with time—keep a standing appointment with yourself to do what makes you feel good.

Remember that your health is your most precious gift. Relax and take time to heal.

Irene Watson, MA,  is author of The Sitting Swing: Finding Wisdom to Know the Difference, and co-editor of The Story that Must Be Told: True Tales of Transformation, and Authors Access: 30 Success Secrets for Authors and Publishers. She is a workshop leader, managing editor of Reader Views, and president of a non-profit Higher Power Foundation. Irene lives next to Barton Creek in Austin, TX, with her husband Robert.

Friendship: The Importance of Keeping in Touch

Humans are social creatures. But we live in a modern world that constantly demands our attention, acting as if every request, every event is urgent. Unfortunately, too often we put work, groups, and events before our relationships. The results can be stress and loneliness. Even if we are successful in life, career-wise or financially, in the end, it is lonely at the top.

So many times, we let relationships fade. We put off calling a friend or going to visit him or her. Soon we forget the friend, or we try to reconnect, only to find he has moved and we no longer know how to connect with him.

We may feel we need to be doing something productive, while spending time with a friend by watching a movie, having a cup of coffee, or going for a walk may not seem like it will move us toward our goals and dreams. Yet, what is more important than a relationship, than that sense of peace and comfort we find with a friend? We might not talk about anything important—we might not even speak to each other when we’re together, but we find peace and comfort; we find relaxation in a trusted friend’s presence. We find love, support, and encouragement.

It can take a lot of energy to build a friendship. It takes little energy to lose a friend. Investing time and love in a friendship or any relationship is the most valuable investment we will ever make.

Sometimes we get grandiose ideas of what is required for a friendship. If our friend lives across the country, we feel we must make a trip that costs time and money and we must plan events and see the sites while there. We may feel overwhelmed by such a trip or that too much is expected of us from it. But in this age of technology, while a visit is always a strong way to solidify a relationship, five minutes sending an email or commenting on someone’s Facebook page a couple of times a week will do far more than a week long visit once every few years to keep that friendship alive.

The important thing is to keep in touch with the people who matter to us. Today, reach out to the friends you haven’t spoken to in a while. Track them down on the Internet or mail a letter. Reconnect and strengthen the ties that bind. Nothing in your life will be more fulfilling. Long after the work is finished, the goals achieved and no longer important, the relationships will still be strong and nurturing.

Irene Watson, MA,  is author of The Sitting Swing: Finding Wisdom to Know the Difference, and co-editor of The Story that Must Be Told: True Tales of Transformation, and Authors Access: 30 Success Secrets for Authors and Publishers. She is a workshop leader, managing editor of Reader Views, and president of a non-profit Higher Power Foundation. Irene lives next to Barton Creek in Austin, TX, with her husband Robert.

Healing Relationships Gives Us Strength

One of the lyrics in Stephen Sondheim’s Broadway musical "Into the Woods" tells us:

Sometimes people leave you,
Halfway through the wood.
Do not let it grieve you,
No one leaves for good.

I’ve found this statement very true. Yes, relationships come and go, but they often come back again with unexpected results.

One of my friends recently told me about such an experience. She had a best friend as a child. For years they played together, were best of friends, and created an imaginary world together. Then the teen years came and her friend drifted away, even to the point of telling my friend she was too immature to be associated with any longer. My friend was very hurt by the rejection and then watched her ex-friend start down a rebellious road of drinking, smoking, and making out with boys. Later, the ex-friend’s parents divorced and she moved away.

Recently, the two reconnected at a class reunion and spent considerable time together. It was as if that past separation of decades had never happened. And while my friend was reluctant and nervous at first about getting involved with the old friend, and even thought about confronting the other about how she had been hurt, the rebellious friend, as she talked about what she had undergone during her teen years and problems in her family, made my friend realize it had not been her fault for not being cool or mature enough to be the other’s friend, that had caused the friendship to end. Now the two have become strong friends again—as Sondheim said, "No one leaves for good."

We often like to hope that when a relationship ends, not of our own choosing, that a happy ending will ultimately result. Of course, all relationships don’t have happy endings like the one above—and we all have had relationships we wished had ended differently—whether a friendship, marriage, family, or work relationship. Sometimes we are left not understanding what went wrong. Other times, we make the difficult decision not to continue a relationship with someone because it does not serve our well-being.

Whatever the situation, we can let go of the relationship in love rather than anger. We can hope and pray that someday, if it is meant to be, the bond will be restored, the pain healed. When we are ready, we can seek reconciliation with the other person—we can explain, apologize, or ask for forgiveness if necessary. Many times, relief and restored relationships are the result. Other times, we may not receive a response, or we receive an angry one. At those times, we hold that person in love all the more, hoping the hurt he or she feels will be resolved. We seek ‘a separate peace’ where we hope we both shall know peace and love in our hearts even if we do not know reconciliation with one another.

If we are spiritual, we still hang on to the belief that eventually love will be restored, if not in this life, the next, and we remain thankful for the learning experience that made us into the stronger person we are today. We trust that whatever is for the best will happen for both of us, if not together, then individually.

Irene Watson, MA,  is author of The Sitting Swing: Finding Wisdom to Know the Difference, and co-editor of The Story that Must Be Told: True Tales of Transformation, and Authors Access: 30 Success Secrets for Authors and Publishers. She is a workshop leader, managing editor of Reader Views, and president of a non-profit Higher Power Foundation. Irene lives next to Barton Creek in Austin, TX, with her husband Robert.

Treat Money as a Friend

If anything can frustrate or exhilarate us, it’s money.

When we have money, we feel fortunate, rich, blessed, happy, and safe. When we don’t have it, we feel that pit in our stomach; we feel fear, dread, low-self-esteem and despair.

Yes, we need money to survive in the modern world, but we don’t need to live for money.

Money is really like energy. The better we treat ourselves, the more energy we have, and the better we feel. If we think about lack, we will have lack; if we think about abundance, we will have abundance. If we open ourselves to having money, it will flow to us. If we focus on not having it, we close ourselves off from receiving it.

We work hard for our money, and having to part with it can be upsetting and frustrating, especially when something unexpected goes wrong such as the furnace stopping or the washing machine breaking, and we have to spend money to repair something. We reluctantly part with our $500 or whatever the amount is and then worry if we will have enough in the future. Instead, we should gladly part with our $500 because we have it to part with. We can be grateful that it was available to us and that we were wise enough to have saved it in case of an emergency.

Perhaps, however, we don’t have $500 to begin with. If we trust in the universe, we will find a way to pay the bill. Again, money is like energy—if we feel abundant and hopeful, the money will come to us in some way—maybe through getting to put in overtime at work, or an unexpected gift from a friend, or some other way we cannot even imagine, but being open to the possibilities can make it happen. It doesn’t matter how—but it will come.

We can also be responsible about money. Without worrying about it, we try to save it so we are prepared when it is needed. Rather than try to save it from fear it will be needed, we think of it as paying ourselves. We reward ourselves by putting money in the bank, not touching it but letting it grow with interest, knowing it is our nest egg, that if something goes wrong, we will be worry-free because it is there. And if nothing goes wrong, we will be all the more abundant to have it. In my last blog, I talked about a definition of happiness being progress toward a goal. Let’s say we decide to build up a savings account. We save $100 a month, and at the end of the year, we have $1,200. Then the washing machine breaks and a new one costs us $500. Rather than grumbling over the cost, we realize it is just a setback, and we have still progressed by $700 for the year compared to when we started at zero. We can feel good that we have made progress.

Money is our friend when we treat it properly. We don’t resent it; we don’t fear it; we don’t obsess over it, or act like a miser trying to accumulate it. We treat it with respect, we give it away gladly, and we feel gratitude for having it. If we treat it like a friend, it will return the favor.

Irene Watson, MA,  is author of The Sitting Swing: Finding Wisdom to Know the Difference, and co-editor of The Story that Must Be Told: True Tales of Transformation, and Authors Access: 30 Success Secrets for Authors and Publishers. She is a workshop leader, managing editor of Reader Views, and president of a non-profit Higher Power Foundation. Irene lives next to Barton Creek in Austin, TX, with her husband Robert.

What is Happiness?

I recently read a definition of happiness that said it was steady progress toward a goal.

At first, I was surprised by that definition. I would have thought happiness had more to do with feeling joy or contentment, not making progress. But as I thought about it more, I started to think it was an excellent definition.

I recently met a very alert 95-year old, very intelligent and able to discuss a variety of subjects. He told me his secret was creativity—constantly trying to create something new, constantly staying interested in subjects and designing and producing something. Being productive could be by doing crafts, or writing, or building something. It is doing something that has an end goal and toward which we can mark progress. Of course, it can also be something big like a campaign, climbing the corporate ladder, or building a business.

Recovery is a lot like that definition of happiness. We are rewriting the script of our life—that is a creative endeavor like no other. We are changing who we are. Like an artist, we envision the portrait of who we will be; then we find the tools (our paintbrush may be learning boundary issues, how to say "No," or raising our self-esteem). We use those tools to create a new us, a new masterpiece.

We steadily make progress toward our goal of having a better life, and perhaps we have more specific goals such as finding a better job, buying a house, being in a stable relationship. We take clear, precise steps toward achieving those goals. We start putting a set amount of money aside each month so we can make a down payment on the house, we quit dating every man who asks us out and instead set guidelines for what we want in a relationship. We set parameters for what we want in this better life we envision and then we move toward it.

The old saying that the only constant is change couldn’t be truer in this case. Change is what keeps us young—it might be traumatic or scary at times, but it also keeps our hearts and minds active. Having a goal to work toward is what keeps life interesting. If we achieved the goal and then rested there permanently, we would soon be bored. We achieve a goal and then set new goals and keep making progress toward them. The sky is the limit!

The same is true with recovery—the road ahead may seem scary, but we don’t have to charge into the unknown. We take a step or two at a time and slowly we see the road open up ahead of us. Soon we can see how much progress we’ve made. We look back and feel happy that we’ve come so far.

What goal would make you feel happy if you made progress toward it? Rather than feel that goal is overwhelming or impossible, what is one step you can do today toward that goal? What is one step you can do tomorrow toward it? If a step a day seems scary, what is one step for this week, and one for the next? Once you get going, you may find you’ll move all the faster as you feel encouraged. Happiness is around the next bend if we just take the first step toward it.

Irene Watson, MA,  is author of The Sitting Swing: Finding Wisdom to Know the Difference, and co-editor of The Story that Must Be Told: True Tales of Transformation, and Authors Access: 30 Success Secrets for Authors and Publishers. She is a workshop leader, managing editor of Reader Views, and president of a non-profit Higher Power Foundation. Irene lives next to Barton Creek in Austin, TX, with her husband Robert.

Positive Thinking and Affirmations

In my last blog, I talked about what we would do if we were not afraid. It can be difficult just to identify what we fear and what we want. Once we realize those fears, we need to convince ourselves we can overcome them. Essentially, we have to brainwash ourselves (yes, it is like brainwashing, it is rewriting the script, it is recording over those negative “I can’t” tapes in our heads and replacing them with “I can” and “I will”). Two of the most effective ways to do this are by using affirmations and positive quotations.

Affirmations are just statements that you believe in yourself. To make affirmations, I suggest you get a pack of index cards. On each index card, write an affirmation. Examples of affirmations are:

I am a unique and creative person who uses my creativity to enrich the world.

I am a beautiful child of God. I am loved and I love everyone around me.

When people tell me I can’t, I show them I can. Nothing stops me from fulfilling my dreams.

You may only be able to think of a couple at first. That’s okay. Keep the stack of cards by you and keep adding to it whenever you think of one. (You can also buy affirmation cards, but if you do, I encourage you also to write some of your own).

Once you make your stack of cards, keep it somewhere you’ll notice it everyday. On the bedside table is a good place. Every morning when you wake and at night before you go to bed, or whenever you feel the need, take a moment to draw a card from the pile and affirm the wonderful, capable person you are.

Sometimes people like to tape the cards different places as reminders, such as on the bathroom mirror, the refrigerator, the computer, the back door, the car’s dashboard. This process can also be effective, and you can change the cards weekly or as you see fit. Do what works best for you.

Besides affirmations, finding inspirational quotes, especially from people you respect or admire, can help tremendously. You can buy a famous quotations book, or just go online. By doing an online search for “famous quotes” you will find several pages full of famous quotations. Find quotations you enjoy, that inspire you or make you think. Write them down; make your own quotations book. Read them over and over.

Here are a few of my favorites:

“Whether you think that you can, or that you can't, you are usually right.” — Henry Ford

“Formulate and stamp indelibly on your mind a mental picture of yourself as succeeding. Hold this picture tenaciously. Never permit it to fade. Your mind will seek to develop the picture....Do not build up obstacles in your imagination.” — Norman Vincent Peale

“If you hear a voice within you say ‘you cannot paint’ then by all means paint and that voice will be silenced.” — Vincent Van Gogh

“A professional writer is an amateur who didn’t quit.” – Richard Bach

However you want to affirm your abilities, do what works for you. Believe in yourself. Then watch the world come to believe in you.

Anonymous Meetings – Safe and Confidential Places

Meetings are so important for our recovery so we do not have to do it alone. This week I’m going to provide some basic information about attending anonymous meetings.

One of the greatest resources for anyone in recovery from an addiction is attending an anonymous meeting. Many people feel anxiety, shame or nervousness about going to a meeting. Even when we admit we have a problem, and we know we need help for it, we may try to solve it on our own or go to a counselor, but we are afraid to go to a meeting. We don’t know who will be there, and we don’t want everyone to know about our problem.

Meetings are safe places. That’s why they are called anonymous. Anonymous meetings, whether it’s Alcoholics Anonymous, Codependents Anonymous, Sex Addicts Anonymous, Gamblers Anonymous, Overeaters Anonymous or any of the many other groups, rely upon confidentiality. Confidentiality and anonymity are what make these programs safe. Early in the meeting, the meeting chair will remind everyone that the meeting’s success, the welfare of the group, is dependent on confidentiality. No one is to repeat outside of the meeting what is said or who attended the meeting. A common statement is: “What is said here, who you see here, let it stay here.”

Anonymity means you don’t have to identify yourself. Most meetings have a section where people give their names, but they do not give their last names. People are not required to say anything about themselves, other than simply stating, “I am Joe and I’m an alcoholic” or “I’m Mary and I’m a recovering codependent.” You are free to share or not share as you choose. If you decide you don’t want to go to another meeting, no one will contact you, trying to recruit you to the group. You don’t need to sign anything, and although some members may exchange phone numbers so they have someone to talk to, it is not required.

Anonymous meetings must follow basic guidelines of Twelve-Step programs, but different groups may handle the order of their meeting in a slightly different manner. You may want to try a few different meetings until you find the one where you feel comfortable. Most towns will have at least one meeting. Many will have multiple meetings in a week.

If you are afraid to go to a meeting, you can look online for one in your area on sites such as www.coda.org (Codependents Anonymous) or www.aa.org (Alcoholics Anonymous). These sites provide complete lists of their particular group’s meetings in each state and town. They will also list a contact person for each meeting. You can usually call or email the contact person to ask them questions about the meeting if you want to talk to someone before attending a meeting. You won’t even need to give the person your name. Just let them know you wanted to talk to someone about attending a meeting because you’re a little nervous to do so.

Anonymous Twelve Step meetings are safe places. They can make a significant difference in your recovery. Don’t be afraid. They are just a step in your journey to a bright new tomorrow.

Financial Responsibility During Economic Downturn

Financial responsibility can be a difficult task for many of us. In today’s economic climate, we are exposed to stories of people who were not responsible, or less than scrupulous about their financial dealings, and as a result, many have suffered.

The first rule of financial responsibility for anyone in recovery is to take care of yourself first. Often, we overextend ourselves financially. We may be trying to keep up with the Joneses out of a sense of insecurity and low self-esteem. We need to remind ourselves we don’t need to compete with anyone and money is not the only measure of success or worthiness. At the other extreme, we may be tempted to give more than we can afford. We let people use us by giving and giving until it hurts—we loan our best friend money we can’t afford to give because we are afraid to say no. A month later, she still hasn’t repaid it but she has bought a big screen TV, or maybe she went on a vacation. We want to tell her how to handle her finances, but if we do, it will just cause arguments. We resent our friend, we are angry at ourselves, and we might even have put ourselves into financial risk.

Charitable giving can be another issue for people in recovery. How much should we give? If we don’t give enough, will people think less of us? We need to find the healthy balance between joyful giving and making sure we meet our financial responsibilities to ourselves. I believe tithing is very important and a part of life, however, it’s also important to know that tithing comes in many forms.  It is not necessarily just giving 10% of your income to a place of worship; it is also giving money and/or goods to charity of your choice and volunteering your time. It could even be giving a bottle of water to a homeless person panhandling on the street corner or an extra tip to wait staff.  Tithing is about giving of yourself while you get spiritual fulfillment.

However, we should never give out of a sense of guilt. Financial responsibility includes responsibility to our feelings. If we don’t want to give, we don’t have to; we don’t have to feel guilt about it, nor do we have to justify our reasons. At the same time, when we do give, we learn to let go—we give with the belief that what we need will be provided for us, and we give in belief that what we give will help someone, will make the world a better place, and we will all grow from it...and it has nothing to do with the economic downturn.

Irene Watson is the author of “The Sitting Swing: Finding Wisdom to Know the Difference.  She lives with her husband of 43 years in Austin, Texas.

Authenticity Means Being True to One’s Self: Practical Tools for Everyday Life

Authenticity is about being true to one’s self.  But what can you do if you can’t access what is true for you because you have disregarded yourself for so long?  Many people are in this position in life where they are mostly out of touch with what their true self is and find that they often answer the “Who am I” question with descriptive external-derived answers.  For example, in answer to the “core question” one might say, “I am a writer” or “I am a mother” or “I am Dr. Smith’s wife/husband.”

Not one of the answers above provides information about who an individual is at their core self.   I am providing an important link below that will provide you with many self-awareness tests so you can see where you stand in terms of self-acknowledgment.  Literally writing out questions and answers is a remarkable tool in the process of self-discovery and I recommend it wholly. 

I don’t ordinarily provide links, but I think Dr. Seligman provides so many valuable self-assessment tools that relate to almost all of the topics of this site.  Go to the website below and register – it is 100% free, always.  I have zero personal or business investment in Dr Seligman or his research, but I do trust and admire what I have learned from his research.  I find his tools valuable in my work as well as in my personal self-discovery process and felt compelled to share with others.

http://www.authentichappiness.org

Below you will find some inspiring words that you can say to yourself on a daily basis as you move through your own self-discovery process.

My authentic self is always present and provides me feedback all of the time and if I can learn how to listen and respect my self-feedback, then I will live fully and if I chose to disregard my whispering self-feedback, then I don’t fully live.

When I am successful in my discovery process I will have reconnected with my authentic self and I will feel passionate about my work and my life.

Irene Watson is the author of "The Sitting Swing: Finding Wisdom to Know the Difference."  She resides in Austin, Texas with her husband.

Codependency: How to Release Yourself From Your Own “Ties That Bind”

Those individuals that have codependent behavior patterns know all too well that their sense of caring will, if it hasn’t already, become compulsive while possibly leading to chronic emotionally draining relationships.  These kinds of emotionally draining relationships usually leave the codependent person feeling angry, resentful and unappreciated.

One of the foundations of belief regarding codependent behavior is that the codependent individual is trying to avoid dealing with their own difficult emotions. This can leave the individual feeling disconnected from their own needs and wants while struggling with trusting others.

First thing to know is that you can change these relationship patterns in your life.  Many people benefit greatly from joining a support group, such as the 12-Step program, AlAnon, which focuses on codependency behavior patterns.  Also, many people who have codependent behavior patterns find themselves using alcohol or drugs or other risky behaviors in order to escape facing their own feelings.  A person can join any of the 12-step support programs and get some understanding and support.  Several people have found Alcoholics Anonymous very helpful, even if their primary addiction is to codependent behavior patterns. 

Some individuals prefer to seek non-group setting for support in addressing codependent behaviors.  There are several types of psychotherapy, such as cognitive behavior therapy and/or family therapy that has been helpful to many people in guiding them through the difficult changes they faces while addressing codependent behavior patterns.

Some people are unsure if they are “just being kind” or if they are dealing with codependency and seeking acceptance from others, regardless of the toll on themselves.  If you find yourself constantly doing for another person, even when you don't want to, or shouldn't, for your own welfare, but you still do it, then you might want to check in with yourself about how you actually feel while doing these things.

When you are thinking about how much you give and how you feel about it, remember that children are entitled to get much more than they give, and they should be getting an abundance of your “giving” even when you don’t feel like it!

You can make a change in how you perceive your life and shifting your perceptions will ultimately lead to changes in your behavior. If you decide to change, give people warning, as they will have a difficult time with the “new you.”

Today, practice saying "no" to little things with people you trust and take note to how it makes you feel.  

Choose Forgiveness and You Choose Peace, Harmony and Wellness in Your Life

It is well proven time and again that holding onto grudges and resentments that are filled with hostility are detrimental to your physical health and overall wellness. It sounds like a cliché, but I promise you that letting go and choosing forgiveness will set you free from the heavy anchors of resentment and anger that cause great misery in your life.

The first step to forgiveness is accepting the fact that you are fully responsible for you perceptions and how you feel about life events. You are responsible for your own perceptions and actions and it is up to you to make changes and not the people around you. Let this sink in and maybe even read it over a few times because accepting this construct as true and valid is the cornerstone of forgiveness.

Next, is to understand and accept that it takes every day practice to learn to let go of minor and/or major trespasses and truly forgive. It is important to know that you are not alone and most of us need to practice and learn to let go and forgive on a daily basis.

One encouragement that I can offer is that almost nothing satisfies the intrinsic value and internal power that comes from choosing to forgive. It can and will have only positive affects on your life and wellbeing.

As you practice small forgiveness through your daily life, as in some of the driving examples I provided in earlier posts, you are more prepared to actively choose to forgive the greater hurtful events on our lives. Practicing small acts of forgiveness every day in this way, will result in retraining your perceptions about life events while moving away from being a victim.

Believe it or not, we have all the power over how we feel and how we react. We may not have power and control over what others do, but we have absolute power over how we perceive, feel and act. Forgiveness means a change in old patterns of beliefs and perceptions that will lead us to compassion and understanding.

The fantastic and wonderful side effect of forgiveness is that once you choose to forgive and let go, you have taken back any power that was once granted the individual who caused you harm and you are truly free. Forgiveness is not an altruistic position, but rather it is something you do for yourself in order be healthy and have a good sense of wellness in the world every day.

Be generous with small acts of forgiveness every day.

Irene Watson is the author of The Sitting Swing: Finding Wisdom to Know the Difference. She lives with her husband in Austin, Texas.

Benefits of Forgiveness: No Action is Truly Altruistic

Nearly every person on the planet has experienced being hurt in some way and usually by friends or family members. These experiences can leave painful life-long wounds that leave you with chronic feelings of anger, bitterness and resentment.

People who are closest to us tend to have the greatest potential to hurt us. You can decide to hold on to your anger and resentment or you can make the conscious decision to move towards forgiveness thus moving forward in your life. This concept resonates with previous discussions regarding an individual’s perception of lifetime events: you have the power to choose.

Choosing to forgive is not choosing to forget or allow someone to take advantage of you. Choosing to forgive is about releasing you from the burden of anger and it benefits you in so many ways far above and beyond that which forgiveness gives the trespasser. Forgiveness is mostly about you and helping yourself to let go and move forward.

Interestingly, researchers have begun to study the effects of forgiveness in terms of being forgiving or not being forgiving. Researchers are finally gathering hard scientific evidence that individuals who holding grudges and anger and bitterness have more long-term health problems than those who are forgiving.

Measurable benefits of forgiving include the following;

* Lower blood pressure

* Stress reduction

* Less hostility

* Better anger management skills

* Lower heart rate

* Lower risk of alcohol or substance abuse

* Fewer depression symptoms

* Fewer anxiety symptoms

* Reduction in chronic pain

* More friendships

* Healthier relationships

* Greater religious or spiritual well-being

* Improved psychological well-being

Hold onto your thoughts because in the last of this series, I will discuss simple practical steps to forgiveness that you can practice every day.

Irene Watson is the author of "The Sitting Swing: Finding Wisdom to Know the Difference.  She and her husband reside in Austin, Texas.

Simply, Forgiveness: What the World Needs Now

The practice of peace and reconciliation is one of the most vital and artistic of human actions.

Thich Nhat Hanh

Recent series’ have offered in-depth discussions about surrender and letting go along with practical steps to practicing surrender and letting go in every day life. Appropriately so, in this series, I will discuss forgiveness. Forgiveness might seem a more tangible idea compared to the constructs surrender and letting go, but it is closely linked to an individual’s ability to truly surrender in life.

Forgiveness is not saying, "I am sorry." Although, "I am sorry" is a quality icebreaker when forgiveness is needed, but true forgiveness comes with sincere action.

So, what exactly is forgiveness?

From my experience, there is not just one definition of forgiveness and it is better described in a general sense as a conscious decision to let go of resentments, grudges and thoughts or actions to seek revenge. When you can release yourself from thoughts and feelings that have your energy bound to the trespass against you, you will inevitably lessen the power these thoughts and feelings have over you.

It is hard to reconcile in the brain that forgiveness will lead to good feelings when your brain-energy is busy with and likely overwhelmed with thoughts of resentment and negative bad feelings. Similar to practicing surrender and letting go, practicing forgiveness will eventually lead to visceral feelings of true understanding, empathy and compassion for the individual(s) that hurt you.

Often people confuse forgiving with forgetting or minimizing the wrongful act: Forgiving is not the same thing as forgetting and it certainly is not about denying or minimizing the responsibility of the individual who offended or hurt you. The fact is that the action that hurt or offended you will always be remembered at some level. If you can embrace the idea that whatever event that occurred will live with you in some way for all of your life, then the power of forgiveness will change the course of your life in terms of how you perceive all things around you. You can forgive an individual(s) while not condoning his or her hurtful act.

Next in this series, I will discuss the benefits of forgiveness as well as provide real-life practical application of forgiveness.

Irene Watson is the author of The Sitting Swing: Finding Wisdom to Know the Difference. She resides, with her husband, in Austin, Texas.

Control versus Perceived Control: Real Life example of How to Know the Difference

Previously in this series, I gave a driving scenario we have all probably experienced at least once or twice and probably several times over our driving careers thus far. I am referring to utter frustration and sometimes-furious rage, at other drivers on the road. Driving is a great example of how we can practice surrender and letting go while understanding more tangible ways of control versus perceived control.

We clearly do not have control over what another driver is doing or why they may be stopped when clearly the traffic light is green indicating that they should go, as described in my previous scenario with more detail. If you believe that you have control thus act out your frustrations towards the other drivers in the scenario and you truly believe that your actions will make a difference in the scenario, you are acting under the illusion of perceived control.

You do not have control over what the other driver is doing and you do not have control over pedestrians, the idea of control here is guided by your perceived control and not real control: the only thing that you have real control over are your perceptions of the situation and your actions.

Another way to perceive this scenario is to trust and believe, even on this small scale life event, that the person at the front of the traffic line is stopped for a reason, whether you like it or not, they are stopped. What you choose to believe and do next are in your control. You can choose to wait the 20 seconds and be calm and actively relax yourself if needed. You can choose to perceive the other driver as good in their intentions and you can let go of the negative perceptions as described in the previous scenario.

You have a choice to allow yourself to get worked up and "act out" or you can choose to believe and behave differently. Either way you choose, the car in front of you will still wait on the green light as the elderly couple make their way across the street.

Control versus Perceived Control: How Can You Change Your Perception

Previously, I only touched upon the concept that real control versus perceived control plays a major part in surrender and letting-go practices. I believe, without a doubt, that our perception of control can wreak havoc in our lives if we believe we can control others and outcomes simply by our actions. We truly do not have control over what other people say or do and we certainly cannot know for sure how they might perceive day-to-day events.

There are two very important things that we have control over in out lives: We have control over how we perceive things in our lives and we have control over how we decide to act upon what we perceive.

In this basic introduction to control versus perceived control, I want to provide a simplistic example and then I can provide more sophisticated examples in the next series of this topic. I like to use the common theme of my "surrender and letting-go" examples, driving, because so many of us can relate to driving scenarios.

Example;

You are at an intersection that has two lanes going in your direction. You are stopped at the intersection’s red light with two cars in front of you and the light turns green. The front car does not move and you wait what feels like an eternity (about 4 seconds) and then you begin to feel hot and frustrated. Depending upon your personality, you might just fester and feel angry in your seat while thinking, "what is wrong with that person," or you might honk persistently loud and long to show your frustration and maybe you might even roll your window down and yell at the driver to move. Then, you decide to back up and strategically move to the empty lane in order to "show them" how furious you are over their stupidity. You expend a tremendous amount of energy and finally get your car in the empty lane only to see an elderly couple walking hand-in-hand trying to make it as quickly as they can across the street. In less than 20 seconds, the elderly couple made it across the street and the front car was able to move forward.

The other choice in this scenario is to take a breath and perceive the situation entirely differently than the example provides. It takes a lot less energy to perceive things in a peaceful manner rather than expending energy to take control of the situation, which is clearly not in your control.

Next up in this series, I will take the same scenario from above and provide specific steps to perceiving it differently.

Control versus Perceived Control and How the Illusion can Wreak Havoc in Our Lives

Control is an illusion most of us fall for most of the time and only some of the time if we are really lucky and are practiced at the art of surrender and letting go. So, for the most part, we can all use some practical guidance and real-life every day steps that we can engage in order to practice letting go.

Interesting to read the definition of control in the dictionary because when I see someone behave "controlling" it is far from a controlled behavior. Control is most often officially defined as the act of restraint or to keep things regulated and in check while people who actively dominate situations and act controlling are far from restrained or keeping themselves in check. It is an interesting observation of language and behavior.

The point of this series is not so much about the official definition of control, but it is interesting and noteworthy because if we acted out the definition, we would actually be practicing a large part of the surrendering process; holding yourself back from acting out.

Now I realize some people will take pause with that last statement because they will not view themselves as "acting out" just because they have not mastered the art of letting go and surrendering. I am asking you to take a huge step away from the center of yourself and your life and look at as big a picture as you can muster as it relates to your life and how your life touches others and vice versa.

Maybe you can see the impact or consequences of not letting go in your life and maybe you are not there, yet. But one way to feel better every day is to practice letting go of the little things, which of course starts with believing most things are indeed, little and I get that a lot of people are not ready to accept "their" things as "little."

Next up in this series on surrender and letting go, I will present a deeper look at control versus perceived control so, stay tuned!

Rewriting Your Script: Creating Harmonious and Authentic Relationships in Work and Life

A Powerful One-Day Retreat for Women - Facilitated by Liliane Desjardines, Nancy Oelklaus, and Irene Watson

Radisson Hotel 111 E. Cesar Chavez, Austin

Saturday, March 28, 8:00-5:00

$125 per person (includes lunch)

Proceeds go to Higher Power Foundation, 501(c)3

Register at http://www.higherpowerfoundation.com/main/page_womens_retreat.html

Are you ready to:

Assume your responsibility as a leader at home and at work?

Increase your confidence and peace of mind?

Find oy in daily tasks – and spread it?

Empower yourself and others?

 Become comfortable with transparency?

In this retreat, you will use practical, real-time application of what is presented, and walk out with solutions and a follow-up plan to achieve these goals.