Irene Watson - Rewriting Life Scripts

Stopping Mind Chatter

Prayer and meditation are not as easy as they may seem. In our modern, fast-paced, gadget-centered world, it is hard to find a quiet moment. Even if we sit quietly trying to pray, to meditate, to clear our minds, our minds rebel. We just have too many things to think about to be quiet. What am I going to make for dinner tonight? Sitting here is a waste of time when I have work to do. What if I don’t have money to pay the mortgage this month? What if I lose my job? I wonder whether I should wear the red dress to the party?

 

Big or small, our minds will find distractions to fill them. Distracting thoughts are not unlike our learned codependent and dysfunctional behaviors—our mind is the master-controller of those behaviors. It does not know how to release the drama. It thinks it knows better than us—better than God or our Higher Power.

 

Is your mind trying to compete with your Higher Power? Even when you intuitively know something—you know what you should or should not do—does your mind get in the way? Do you take the better paying job even though you know you’d be happier at your current job because it “makes sense” to do so? Do you date someone because your mother likes him even though you know he’s not the right one? Do you find yourself stressed over everything you have to do all the time, trying to keep it all straight in your head?

 

At the bottom of bad decisions, stress, and mind chatter is the fear you will lose control. Ironically, we’ll only lose control when we allow our minds completely to take over—allow them to use their tools of stress, fear, and dysfunctional behaviors. When we allow the mind to take over, it can go into overdrive, to overheat, to become overtired. Sometimes, our minds simply need a break, a shut down, a cooling off period.

 

When we give in to a few minutes of quiet, to releasing our thoughts, to focusing on our breathing, we regain our center. Suddenly, we find our perspectives changing, our day transforms from one of lack and not enough time to one of abundance, to an overflowing of time when we have space to get everything done and to enjoy ourselves as well. We realize we will get done what we need to, and what we don’t get done didn’t really need to be done anyway.

 

Don’t let your mind, your fear, your stress take over and extinguish your sense of feeling good. Let your mind and your body rest. Relax. Close your eyes. Breathe deeply. Center yourself. Allow yourself the right to feel good. Give yourself just five minutes to do nothing and you’ll find your mind functions better. When we stop the mind chatter, we can get done what needs to be done more quickly, and maybe we will hear inside the voice that really matters.

Irene Watson, MA,  is author of The Sitting Swing: Finding Wisdom to Know the Difference, and co-editor of The Story that Must Be Told: True Tales of Transformation, and Authors Access: 30 Success Secrets for Authors and Publishers. She is a workshop leader, managing editor of Reader Views, and president of a non-profit Higher Power Foundation. Irene lives next to Barton Creek in Austin, TX, with her husband Robert.

Controlling God

As codependents, we try to control—we usually think of control in terms of controlling people and events, but what about God?

 

Religion for a long time has tried to control God, to control how we understand God and how God operates. While most religions start out having the best intentions and concerns about our soul, in the end, they often end up trying to control people and God in the process. Religion has told us if we do certain things, God will love us, and if we don’t do certain things, God will reject us—we will burn in Hell. Religion has also been used to make us believe God is for Us and against Them.

 

Can we so easily put God in a box? Can we control God?

 

On a more personal level, do we try to control how God operates in our lives? Do we pray only for what we want to happen, to try to convince God to do what we want? In these cases, are we listening to God, or are we too busy doing all the talking, telling Him what we want?

 

Are we afraid to listen? Do we avoid praying because we are afraid of what God might tell us? Do we fear how God might change our lives? Do we have irrational fears that we will be left impoverished, destitute, asked to do something seemingly impossible if we let God in?

 

So maybe we don’t pray. Maybe we don’t even talk or think about God. Does it matter? Do we really think we keep God or our Higher Power out if He or It wants in?

 

We rationalize God. We assume He operates by the same codes of human reason and justice that we do. But when did God die and make us God, giving us power to tell Him what to do? I don’t fully understand God, but I’m pretty sure God is not codependent—He knows better than to give His power over to us.

 

Are we really faithful, or are we just superstitious? Do we bargain with God? Do we seriously believe if we say x number of rosaries, or we pray perfectly, or if we get baptized with our full bodies rather than just our heads, that somehow we will gain some magic ability to make God do what we want?

 

We can’t control God. We can’t stop God or our Higher Power from being in our lives. It’s foolish to think we can. If we fight it, we will only make it worse. If God or Source wants in, It or He or She will find a way.

 

Think today about how you have tried to control God. How have you withheld yourself from trusting your Higher Power? When was the last time you actually took the time to ask God what He might want?

 

All we have to do is Trust. We don’t have to bargain. We don’t have to say rosaries or jump through hoops for God. We don’t have to fear God will ask us to do the impossible. We simply have to stop and listen to our Higher Power, our Intuition, our Source. We may not get the answers we want, but they will be the right ones. We may find we did not even have to ask the questions because everything was already well and perfect. We have no need to try to control God. He is already in control. We need only Trust.

Irene Watson, MA,  is author of The Sitting Swing: Finding Wisdom to Know the Difference, and co-editor of The Story that Must Be Told: True Tales of Transformation, and Authors Access: 30 Success Secrets for Authors and Publishers. She is a workshop leader, managing editor of Reader Views, and president of a non-profit Higher Power Foundation. Irene lives next to Barton Creek in Austin, TX, with her husband Robert.

Not Enough Time

Our hectic modern world makes time a priority, a commodity. When I ask people what they most wish for, one of the biggest responses I get is “More time.” Even if people say “More money” when I probe a bit further, I find out they want more money so they don’t have to work so hard, so they have more time to spend with family and friends or doing what they want to do.

 

We all have the same amount of time—twenty-four hours in a day. Depending on our age, some of us may feel we have more or less time than others, but thankfully, none of us knows the hour of his or her death, so we do not have to stress over it.

 

Still, we stress over time. We often feel we have more things to do than we can possibly manage within a day. We feel stressed, overwhelmed, afraid of failure because we can’t accomplish everything.

 

Or we may be waiting. Waiting for time to pass. Waiting for graduation day, for the mortgage to be paid off, for the kids to move out of the house. We are just trying to get by, putting our lives on hold until we reach the “When that happens, then I will be happy” time.

 

Time is really our friend. If we had all the time in the world, we’d probably never get anything done. If we didn’t have to wait for time to pass so something could happen, we would not appreciate it when it did happen. Most of all, time heals, it washes away the past, it provides perspective on things.

 

When I find myself getting stressed about everything I have to do and not having enough time to do it, I find the best thing to do is just to stop what I’m doing. To take a nap, go for a walk, watch a little TV, talk to a friend. After a couple of hours, I realize things are not as bad as I thought they were. I start to realize I have enough time. I come back to the tasks at hand refreshed, with a less narrow-minded view, and I can usually accomplish what needs to be done in less time than I thought. What happens then? I find myself with extra time!

 

Time is a fact of life. We all have to live with it, but we don’t have to let it control or destroy us. We can do practical things like manage our time, make a schedule, set aside time for ourselves. We can also remember to relax, to breathe, to take time to focus on what really matters to us. Not to waste time doing things we don’t want to do.

 

The time will come, time will pass, time will run out. We can do little about it. In the end it does not matter. If the timing is right, something will happen or not. What is meant to be will be. Relax. Enjoy life. Do what you can reasonably do and let Time take care of the rest. Give it a little time. Once some time passes, you’ll find that whatever you worried that you didn’t have time for didn’t really matter, or whatever time you were waiting to have pass ended up containing in it a wonderful journey.

 

Today, make Time your friend. Time works with you. Isn’t it time you realized that?

Irene Watson, MA,  is author of The Sitting Swing: Finding Wisdom to Know the Difference, and co-editor of The Story that Must Be Told: True Tales of Transformation, and Authors Access: 30 Success Secrets for Authors and Publishers. She is a workshop leader, managing editor of Reader Views, and president of a non-profit Higher Power Foundation. Irene lives next to Barton Creek in Austin, TX, with her husband Robert.

Gifts We Have Received

Today is the Feast of the Epiphany. It’s the day the wise men brought baby Jesus gifts of gold, frankincense, and myrrh.

 

I don’t imagine those are gifts too many of us see too often. But the gift giving itself is the important thing. Gifts we are given are acknowledgments of our value, of the appreciation others have for us.

 

We have many gifts in our lives. Today, let us take a moment to think about all of them. I’ve written a short list of gifts in my own life as a sample.

 

1. I live in the United States – whatever its faults, it’s still the best country in the world to live in. I have far more than the vast majority of the world. I do not want for any basic needs.
2. I live in Austin, Texas. – it’s warm here—no snow storms like I knew growing up in Canada. There are plenty of things to do here.
3. I have a wonderful husband who has stuck by me for many years, supporting my dreams, and overlooking my faults.
4. I have wonderful adult children who have become my friends.
5. I have grandchildren I delight in.
6. I own my own business. I am self-employed and can make my own decisions and no one else is my boss.
7. I have a job I love. I get to support other authors and share their gifts and messages with the world, helping to change lives through books.
8. I have a wonderful staff. They are reliable, talented, responsible, and give me no unnecessary drama in my life.
9. I have wonderful friends. Many of my friends I’ve had for decades. Whether it’s getting together in person, or talking to them online, I have many friends I can go to for support, advice, and comfort on different issues, personal, business, and spiritual. Each individual friend is a gift in him or herself.
10. I am financially secure. I do not need to worry where my next meal is coming from, how I will pay the bills, will I be able to stay warm this winter. I may not be so rich I can have anything I want, but I lack for nothing. 

I could easily make a list several times as long as this, but you get the idea. What gifts are in your life? Whenever you feel down or worried, remember to count your blessings. It quickly helps you to change your perspective, appreciate all you have, and help you feel that whatever trouble comes your way, it is small and manageable when you consider all the good stacked up against it.

Irene Watson, MA,  is author of The Sitting Swing: Finding Wisdom to Know the Difference, and co-editor of The Story that Must Be Told: True Tales of Transformation, and Authors Access: 30 Success Secrets for Authors and Publishers. She is a workshop leader, managing editor of Reader Views, and president of a non-profit Higher Power Foundation. Irene lives next to Barton Creek in Austin, TX, with her husband Robert.

Creating Intentional Chaos

None of us like to have chaos in our lives. Or do we?

 

Codependents and addicts feed on drama. We are so used to it we don’t know how to handle life when it isn’t hectic, crazy, and emotional. And sometimes, that’s a good thing. Okay, not usually, but sometimes.

 

We may not always know how to say, “No” to something. We may have difficulty making a decision and enforcing something we know is the best choice or behavior for our well-being.

 

But on some level, our intuition or subconscious knows what is best for us and will bring that about whatever our codependent tendencies choose to do in opposition.

 

Think for a minute about relationships you’ve been in that have ended. When you look back, you probably are glad they ended. You probably sensed things about them that you did not like—but love is blind, so you ignored them or you compromised by accepting them. In the end, the relationship blew up in your face anyway.

 

I once met a woman who was grieving the loss of a relationship. She explained that she madly loved her boyfriend. She would have done anything for him. Even though he did drugs, mistreated her, and did not want children, she stayed with him—you know the story; she was convinced he was a good person (and in all fairness, he like most people, did have some good qualities) and she would eventually change him. She was utterly crazy about him and convinced she could not live without him.

 

“Then one day,” she told me, “without even planning it, I heard myself telling him the one thing I knew would make him so angry he would leave me. I loved him. I didn’t want him to leave. But I said it not knowing why exactly.” When I met her, she was mourning his loss, even begging him to come back, but he never did. A year later, she told me, “I think I knew all along that being with him was a mistake. I just couldn’t get over the desire to be with him—it was an unhealthy addiction. I probably could have stuck up for myself sooner and simply left him, but I wasn’t strong enough, so I had to create a painful separation. If I hadn’t made him so angry that he wouldn’t have taken me back, I wouldn’t have been strong enough even if I had tried to break up with him to say ‘No’ when he asked me to take him back.”

 

Despite the pain, chaos may be the best thing we can do for ourselves. I’m not advising anyone to go out and create chaos in his or her life. I’m just suggesting that sometimes even when we act irrationally, our inner guidance system is watching out for us. If we follow our intuitions and act when we know something is troubling us, we can save ourselves a lot of trouble. The chaos erupts when we repress our intuition so long that our Inner Being comes out fighting to fix matters.

 

The Silent Partner

A few days after Christmas, the Catholic Church celebrates the feast of the Holy Family.

 

Don’t worry. I’m not going to preach religion here. But I do want to take a minute to focus on that family. Especially, I want to talk about Joseph.

 

Jesus gets all the glory. Mary gets her fair share too.

 

But what about Joseph? We hardly know anything about him. And yet, from the few details, what a remarkable man he must have been. He gets betrothed to Mary, only later to find out she’s pregnant, and not with his child. You can’t blame him for wanting to get rid of her then, but once he realizes it’s God’s baby, he stays silent and sticks by her.

 

For the rest of his life, Joseph is on the sidelines. He doesn’t get to preach or change the world. He doesn’t get to ascend into Heaven like Jesus or Mary. He just plays the silent partner in the relationship. He takes them to Egypt to protect them. When it’s safe to come home, he provides for them, working in his carpentry shop.

 

Joseph “manned” up to his role. It wasn’t his child. He could have easily dumped Mary. Instead, he patiently does what is required of him by God and for his family. He doesn’t argue. He doesn’t object. He just does what needs to be done. He doesn’t ask for anything in return. If we believe the Catholic Church that Mary was ever-virgin, then Joseph gave up some other things besides recognition as well.

 

There must have been days when he doubted; there must have been days when he was jealous or frustrated. But he stuck by them. He was the man behind the miracle. He could have won an award for best supporting male actor. He isn’t even mentioned during Jesus’ ministry—he was apparently dead by then. He didn’t even get to stick around long enough to see the fruition of the child he raised. But look at the child he raised. We can only speculate what an influence he had on Jesus.

 

Maybe we ourselves play supporting roles for which we don’t get the appreciation we deserve. Maybe others in our lives play supporting roles. We can show appreciation for those playing the supporting roles. We can be supportive ourselves—that doesn’t mean we forget boundaries or let ourselves be taken advantage of—but especially where children are involved, we do what needs to be done. We look out for others.

 

In this blog, I constantly remind about not falling into codependent behaviors, but when children are involved, the rules change a bit. Nothing is more rewarding than caring for and loving a child. Nothing is more important either. Whether we are parents, grandparents, teachers, soccer coaches, or the neighbor next-door, how we treat each child who comes into our lives makes an enormous impact on the world—it can be the difference between a Hitler and a Jesus in the next generation.

Being Humble: A Door to Freedom

Humility is out of fashion. I’m not sure it ever was in. Why? Perhaps we misunderstand the word and associate it with a fear of being humiliated. To be humiliated is to be embarrassed, to be lowered in the eyes of others. To be humiliated is to give someone else power to lower us from where we want to be. But humility is the exact opposite.

 

To be humble does not mean we choose to lower ourselves. It means we release ourselves from the ability to be humiliated. We cannot be humiliated unless we allow ourselves to be. By having humility, being humble, we are not placing ourselves in a position from which we can fall. That does not mean we let fear of failure keep us from trying. It means we divorce ourselves from caring about results. We release ourselves from our false pride.

 

How many times has pride gotten us into trouble? Hasn’t pride often been the source of our trying to control everything, of our constant striving for more, our worrying about other people’s actions because of how they will reflect on us, our making unreasonable demands upon ourselves just because we think we have to keep up with the Joneses?

 

Being humble means we don’t look for other people to applaud us or even to validate us. Instead, humility is our strength, our armor, our protection from other people’s opinions. To be humble is to have self-esteem. It is knowing that we are of value and we do not need anyone else to tell us so. It means if we are slighted in some way—not acknowledged for work we did, not given our fair share of something—we do not let it bother us because we already know our own self-worth.

 

When we are humble, we no longer have to be right, we don’t have to be on top, we don’t have to prove ourselves to others. It’s the difference between social climbing and having something by birthright. We are already worthy. We don’t have to prove anything. And we become more generous, giving credit to others without fear that the spotlight will not shine on us.

 

Humility is freedom. If someone wrongs us, we do not need revenge. We do not need to get even. We even find we have enough self-esteem to turn the other cheek, to overlook an insult. Rather than hurt someone who is down on his luck—even if that person has hurt us—we help him. Humility releases us from the feelings that gnaw at us—anger, pride, fear—it allows us to embrace our good side, to admit our mistakes without giving them power over us, and to be content in the moment.

 

Humility is freedom. It even frees us from the craving to be free because in it we have found freedom.

Irene Watson, MA,  is author of The Sitting Swing: Finding Wisdom to Know the Difference, and co-editor of The Story that Must Be Told: True Tales of Transformation, and Authors Access: 30 Success Secrets for Authors and Publishers. She is a workshop leader, managing editor of Reader Views, and president of a non-profit Higher Power Foundation. Irene lives next to Barton Creek in Austin, TX, with her husband Robert.

Loving Ourselves

Many of us feel we have a hole inside of us, a place that should have been filled with love when we were children, but for whatever reason, Mom, Dad, Grandpa, Grandma, or whoever was our guardian did not love us in the way we needed. We may have been starved for attention. We may have acted out. We may have cried. We may still long just for healthy human touch, a simple hug that is decades overdue. We may feel we are not loveable, or that no one will love us so we should not even search for love any longer.

 

It is not that we are not loveable. It is natural that a parent should love his or her child, but first a person must love him or herself. If someone responsible for you were unable to love you, it was not because you did not deserve love, but because that person had his or her own issues to work out. I’ve talked before about understanding the generations before us—were our parents or caretakers loved as children; how could they love us if they never experienced love themselves?

 

We will find someone to love us, but it is unlikely to happen the way we want unless we first learn to love ourselves. Inner Child Therapy teaches us to talk to our inner child. Remember that little boy or girl you were, longing for love, frightened, confused. If you as an adult met that child, what would you say to him or her? You can say those words now, or simply hug that child. You can adopt that child now and care for that little boy or girl as he or she should have been cared for years ago. We, the adult, can take care of the child we were. When we feel that little boy or girl wants to cry or is worried, we can gently reply, “It’s okay. I love you. I’m here for you. I won’t let anyone hurt you. I’ll take care of you.” We can give that child a hug. We can provide that child with the love he or she did not have before.

 

After all, despite the lack of love, we have made it this far. We are grown-up. We’ve survived. Perhaps we developed codependent behaviors as survival skills, but now we can take the burden off that child. It’s time for its fears to dissolve, for it to feel loved. And as that child becomes secure, we also will be secure. The benefit will be mutual. We will become happier, healthier, more loving and then appear loveable to the outside world. Someone else will come to love us as well, but it has to start by loving ourselves.

 

Irene Watson, MA,  is author of The Sitting Swing: Finding Wisdom to Know the Difference, and co-editor of The Story that Must Be Told: True Tales of Transformation, and Authors Access: 30 Success Secrets for Authors and Publishers. She is a workshop leader, managing editor of Reader Views, and president of a non-profit Higher Power Foundation. Irene lives next to Barton Creek in Austin, TX, with her husband Robert.

 

Silently Enabling the Group

Codependency is tricky. Even when we realize we have codependent tendencies, it can take a long time for us to realize all the ways codependency has a hold over us. We know as codependents we have a tendency to be enablers—we may give money to a loved one with a problem handling money; we may keep family secrets about alcoholism and drug addiction. Eventually we have learned about codependency and stopped enabling these people. But codependency and enabling are not limited to individuals and our families. We can equally be enablers within larger organizations.

 

We may belong to a social group, work for a company, donate to a charity, or attend a place of worship where we are silently enabling behavior or beliefs we do not agree with or we believe are ethically wrong, but we say nothing because we are afraid to speak, to rock the boat, or because we prefer the sense of safety or security we experience from that group. It might be a religion that puts women down, but we continue to be part of that religion because our family always has belonged to it—or because we fear its teachings about our lack of salvation are true if we turn away from it. Because it is a religion, we let it have power over us, whereas if it were an abusive husband or a racially offensive social group, we would long ago have shut the door on it and its behavior. Perhaps we are enabling a charitable organization that withholds helping certain people because they are not “moral,” although moral is based only on that organization’s viewpoint. It may be a workplace where workers on the bottom of the ladder are not paid a living wage, or where we know the company is doing something illegal or dishonest but we continue to work there from fear of being unemployed.

 

Codependency has made us afraid. It has taught us to keep the status quo. But as we learn to deal with our codependency and new ways to relate to our families, we can also extend that knowing to the larger world around us. We can be a voice for justice; we can say “No” to participation in an activity we believe is wrong. If we are afraid to speak up, at the very least, we can leave the company or group so we are no longer silently contributing to its misaligned belief system. Even if we cannot change the organization, we accept what we cannot change, and we realize we can change ourselves—we can give ourselves the self-respect not to live in fear of what others think, and we can stand up for what is right as an example to those even more afraid than us.

 

Let’s remember the words of the poem “First They Came” which reflects what happened when the Nazis rose to power:

 

First they came for the communists, and I did not speak out—because I was not a communist;

Then they came for the trade unionists, and I did not speak out—because I was not a trade unionist;

Then they came for the Jews, and I did not speak out—because I was not a Jew;

Then they came for me—and there was no one left to speak out for me.

 

Once we overcome our own codependency, we can help spread the message of freedom from codependency throughout society.

 

Irene Watson, MA,  is author of The Sitting Swing: Finding Wisdom to Know the Difference, and co-editor of The Story that Must Be Told: True Tales of Transformation, and Authors Access: 30 Success Secrets for Authors and Publishers. She is a workshop leader, managing editor of Reader Views, and president of a non-profit Higher Power Foundation. Irene lives next to Barton Creek in Austin, TX, with her husband Robert.

 

Power is Not a Gift

Earlier this week I wrote about not giving others our power in terms of not letting other people put us down and make us feel bad about ourselves.

 

Just as we should not give our power away, we cannot expect people to give us their power. In my last post, I said we can own our power by being superheroes ourselves.

 

Do we have personal heroes? Most of us have someone we admire, someone we wish we could be more like, whether it’s a great athlete, a talented artist, a strong leader. We might consider these people as heroes, but we need to be careful of the word.

 

Codependents have a tendency to build other people up into their heroes, whether or not those people truly deserve it or even have heroic attributes. We may think that if we can just be more like that person, especially spend more time with that person, get that person to love us, then we will acquire some of that person’s power.

 

It doesn’t work that way. Power is not a commodity, and it is not a gift for us to give or to receive.

 

Power is something that resides in us. If we want to think of it as a gift, it is solely as a gift we give to ourselves. The only ones who can decide whether we have power are ourselves. There have been plenty of people in positions of power who haven’t really had power—puppet kings and figureheads for example—and then there are people who had no armies or governments to back them but just simply decided they were powerful and made other people stand up and take notice. A good best example is Gandhi who decided he and the people of India should be free. They did not fight their colonial oppressors; they simply believed they deserved to be free and they made the British government acknowledge their power. When they were confident in their power, they made their enemies back down until eventually India achieved its independence.

 

I remember years ago seeing an episode of the Smurfs. One of the Smurfs was afraid of everything until Papa Smurf gave him a magic lotion that if he wore on his nose would give him superpowers. Papa Smurf knew the lotion really had no magic, but the other Smurf didn’t know that. Before long, that Smurf was doing incredible feats. It’s that way with all of us. There is no magic lotion or powder. But there is the magic of self-confidence, of personal power. It’s the best gift we can give to ourselves.

 

Nothing can change the world more than people having self-confidence and loving themselves; this self-appreciation will lead to an end of people being taken advantage of, to more honesty, and ultimately to more kindness, understanding, love, and the possibility of a better world where everyone is of value because everyone knows his or her own self-worth. That changed world will be a powerful one, but the power has to begin by our owning it personally.

 

Irene Watson, MA,  is author of The Sitting Swing: Finding Wisdom to Know the Difference, and co-editor of The Story that Must Be Told: True Tales of Transformation, and Authors Access: 30 Success Secrets for Authors and Publishers. She is a workshop leader, managing editor of Reader Views, and president of a non-profit Higher Power Foundation. Irene lives next to Barton Creek in Austin, TX, with her husband Robert.

Don’t Give Away Your Power to Feel Good

With the first of the holidays behind us, how are we feeling? While holidays can be times of joy and warm moments spent with family, they can also stir up old feelings of pain, frustration, and anger within us.

 

Why is it that we have grown up, gone out into the world, achieved, made something of ourselves, lived the life we want to live, even found happiness, but when we go home, those old nagging voices in the form of a sister, an aunt, a parent make us feel like a child again? Why does how other people make us feel bother us so much? Why do we let other people make us feel anything?

 

When Aunt Sue remarked at dinner that we look like we’re getting fat, do we feel bad about ourselves, or do we just wonder what kind of screwball Aunt Sue is to make such a mean and thoughtless comment? Didn’t your grandparents teach her any manners—I mean really, is she only happy making other people feel miserable? Just because she feels bad about herself, and therefore has to put other people down to make herself feel superior, does not mean we have to play along with her dysfunctional mind games. Maybe when we were children we didn’t know any better, but we do now. It doesn’t matter if she thinks we are fat, ugly, stupid, immature, or immoral. It doesn’t matter.

 

What does matter? How we feel about ourselves.

 

Did you tell Aunt Sue where to go while eating your Thanksgiving Turkey? Maybe you did, but more likely you didn’t. We usually let the matter go to keep peace at the dinner table, and we know that telling Aunt Sue off won’t change her anyway. So now that the moment is over, we have to let it go in our heart and thoughts. There’s no point in feeling down because someone else made you feel bad. You may not see Aunt Sue again until next Thanksgiving. You only had to spend a few hours with her anyway, so don’t let her determine how you feel the rest of the year.

 

You and only you have the power to determine how you feel. If you need to, affirm yourself. Remind yourself of everything you have accomplished and focus on what makes you feel good. Make sure your voice, not Aunt Sue’s, is the one speaking to you, influencing you to feel the way you want to feel. Only you have the power to do that, so use that power. Don’t give your power to determine how you feel to someone else. Practice feeling good about yourself today, and the next day, and everyday to come.

 

Irene Watson, MA,  is author of The Sitting Swing: Finding Wisdom to Know the Difference, and co-editor of The Story that Must Be Told: True Tales of Transformation, and Authors Access: 30 Success Secrets for Authors and Publishers. She is a workshop leader, managing editor of Reader Views, and president of a non-profit Higher Power Foundation. Irene lives next to Barton Creek in Austin, TX, with her husband Robert.

Stress, Panic, and Being Overwhelmed

It’s Black Friday. The Christmas shopping season begins in full force. Only 28 shopping days left until Christmas! You have dozens of gifts to buy, a limited budget, and after the first shopping day, you are frazzled, tired, your feet hurt, and you aren’t even close to being done!

 

Feel like hyperventilating yet? Feel like throwing in the towel and canceling Christmas?

 

Panic, stress, and being overwhelmed are difficult feelings to deal with, and worst of all, most of the time, we bring them upon ourselves. Even with holidays, we don’t have to give into the consumerism or the pressure family or friends inflict on us.

 

Most of the time, what we feel stress and panic over turn out to be minor concerns. Think back to a time in the past when you were overly stressed—perhaps that big test in high school that you were afraid you would flunk. Now, years have passed. Maybe you passed the test. Maybe you flunked it. How much does it matter now?

 

When we feel stressed, we need to stop and look at the bigger picture. How much will this problem matter to me in ten years, or even next year? Are we over-exaggerating its importance, and if so why? When we get to the point of panic, no matter how worried we are, no matter whether there is a deadline pending, we need to stop. We need to take a break. We need to breathe, to think about something that makes us feel good, to talk to a friend, to go for a walk.

 

Isolation is a major contributing factor to stress and panic. We get tunnel vision, building up something as all important. If we talk to a friend, often that person will help us put things in a more realistic perspective. We can easily forget when we are stressed that the rest of the world goes on around us no matter what happens. The flowers will still bud, the birds still fly, the snow still fall, the sun still warm the earth, whether we make the cheerleading squad or get the promotion or miss the bus. This is just a moment in our life. It will pass. We can approach it reasonably or we can freak out over it. Either way, it will pass and become part of the past that probably will not matter a great deal, and even if something terrible happens as a result of our failure to accomplish whatever we are stressing over, we can trust ourselves that down the road, we will realize that what was meant to be was meant to be.

 

Today, we remember there is a great, big wonderful world out there full of rich and rewarding experiences for us. We let go of the little things; we learn not to sweat the small stuff; we do our best, but we do not let stress get the best of us. We keep things in perspective, and we trust that whatever happens, it will all be well. Christmas will still be Christmas, whether we buy the lotion, the cologne, the toaster, or just five-dozen gift cards. Today, we focus on our well being, on feeling good—that’s what is most important. And then we do what we have time to do.

 

Irene Watson, MA,  is author of The Sitting Swing: Finding Wisdom to Know the Difference, and co-editor of The Story that Must Be Told: True Tales of Transformation, and Authors Access: 30 Success Secrets for Authors and Publishers. She is a workshop leader, managing editor of Reader Views, and president of a non-profit Higher Power Foundation. Irene lives next to Barton Creek in Austin, TX, with her husband Robert.

Gratitude at Thanksgiving

Tomorrow is the holiday when families get together to share their thankfulness for all that is good in their lives. It’s also a stressful day for many people. While not as crazy as Christmas, Thanksgiving can mean traveling long distances, being busy preparing a meal, and dealing with difficult relatives.

 

Let us not lose our focus on the purpose of the day. Rather than stressing over crazy family dynamics, let’s focus on what we have—including our family—that makes us thankful. In recovery we hear a lot about gratitude. Gratitude is so important that we have a national holiday based around it. It’s a day to be positive. It’s a day of plenty—a day to remind us of all we have—a day to feel the abundance of life.

 

We express our gratitude in many ways. Perhaps we go to the family dinner and put up with relatives we don’t care to see because it makes our mother happy. We can do so with goodwill rather than beating ourselves up for acting codependent by doing what someone else wants—on holidays, we are gracious—we do for others—and it also helps our recovery. We show our love for other people by being with them, even if they are difficult. Today we overlook and forgive their faults silently.

 

Perhaps we have a big family meal. Perhaps we show our gratitude by helping prepare a meal for others. Perhaps “we” consists of just us and maybe one other person. We are grateful for that other person. We are grateful for our food, whether it’s a feast or fast food. We are grateful for whatever we have this day. Whatever we have, we know we could have less. Yes, we may want more, but we could have less, so we are grateful for the blessings we have.

 

We have so much for which to be grateful. We could spend all day just thinking of everything for which we are grateful: living in the United States, having an Internet connection on which to read this blog, being able to read, having sources of recovery, having a meal, having a warm place to sleep, having running water, having loved ones close to us.

 

We are often so focused on work and the stress of our daily lives that we forget the miracles of life around us—our parents, brothers, sisters, aunts and uncles, cousins, children, neighbors, friends, pets—the smell of turkey or mashed potatoes, the crowded joyful feeling of a house full of people, the rich colors of cranberries or sweet potatoes, the countless blessings in our lives we take for granted.

 

We remember too those who came before us. The Pilgrims, whatever their faults, did what they thought was right—we respect their courage. We remember leaders like Abraham Lincoln who established this day as a holiday, and all those who came before us and contributed to the prosperity and well-being of our country. We remember those no longer with us—parents, grandparents, those who influenced our lives. We miss them today, and we are grateful for the blessings they gave us. We are grateful for family, however we wish to define family, and to be with those we can truly call our own.

 

We are grateful for a day to remind us to be grateful. And when the day is over, hopefully we will carry gratitude with us into the days to come.

 

Irene Watson, MA,  is author of The Sitting Swing: Finding Wisdom to Know the Difference, and co-editor of The Story that Must Be Told: True Tales of Transformation, and Authors Access: 30 Success Secrets for Authors and Publishers. She is a workshop leader, managing editor of Reader Views, and president of a non-profit Higher Power Foundation. Irene lives next to Barton Creek in Austin, TX, with her husband Robert.

Self-Denial and Being a Martyr

How often have you wanted something but you didn’t allow yourself to have it? What was your reason?

 

If you are hungry, you are allowed to feed yourself, but if you want to eat an entire cake, you might deny yourself and settle for one piece. That is a reasonable form of self-denial. Similarly, perhaps you’d like to buy a new car, but you also know your old car runs fine and you need the money to pay for your college classes. That’s also a reasonable form of self-denial. But sometimes, we aren’t reasonable.

 

How many of us know someone, usually a mother or grandmother, who will always take the piece of pie that is smaller, or the cookie that is a little burnt on the bottom, the worst piece? These people play the martyr to themselves, accepting the least, sometimes out of love for others, but what about when no one else is around?

 

Do we buy only generic brands at the grocery store, telling ourselves it’s a good way to save money, but actually because we don’t believe we deserve the better brands. Do we stop ourselves from having something we want because we know something else is “good enough”?

 

Self-denial isn’t just about food or possessions. Sometimes we hold ourselves back from opportunities or relationships. We might not ask the cute boy or girl out because we figure that person would never go out with someone like us. We may sit at home lonely in the evening because we are afraid if we make the effort to talk to people, no one will want to be our friend. Or we put off things—we feel we have obligations to work or family that we have to perform before we allow ourselves time to do the things we want.

 

Self-denial can exist in little and in big ways. Either way, we need to become aware of it. Self-denial can be tricky. It can be so ingrained in our minds that we don’t even realize we are denying ourselves. We need to make sure when we deny ourselves something we want, we are doing so from a rational place where what we do not allow ourselves is for a greater benefit to ourselves. We should not deny ourselves something that could make us happier.

 

Next time you find yourself saying “No” to something you want, stop and ask yourself why you are saying “No.” Consider the bigger picture. Will it make a huge difference to you or anyone else if you go without the thing you want? Will you be even a little bit happier if you let yourself have it? Allow yourself to have it this time if it truly would be good for you.

 

We need balance in what we give and what we deny ourselves. We do not have to act like self-denying martyrs. No one gains when we do so, least of all, ourselves. Don’t be afraid to let good into your life and to care for your own needs.

 

Irene Watson, MA,  is author of The Sitting Swing: Finding Wisdom to Know the Difference, and co-editor of The Story that Must Be Told: True Tales of Transformation, and Authors Access: 30 Success Secrets for Authors and Publishers. She is a workshop leader, managing editor of Reader Views, and president of a non-profit Higher Power Foundation. Irene lives next to Barton Creek in Austin, TX, with her husband Robert.

Unresolved Grief

Psychiatrists and other experts tell us that when we react emotionally to a situation we often are only partially reacting to the current situation while we are also reacting to situations in our past that we view as similar. For example, being rejected by a friend may bring about grief over the lost friendship, but it might also stir up unresolved grief over a grandparent’s death.

 

We generally associate grief with death, but any loss in our lives can be a cause for grief. Because we don’t associate grief as easily with other losses, we may not take the time to mourn these losses, and consequently, the repressed emotions can come back later to upset us when we experience another loss. For example, a friend moving away is a loss that might bring back repressed grief from childhood when our best friend who lived next door moved away.

 

Losses that need to be grieved may include the death of a loved one, the loss of a relationship with a relative, friend, or coworker, the loss of a job, lost hopes such as not getting accepted into a school or program, the loss of a material possession we value such as a grandmother’s ring, or the loss of a sense of community by moving to a new place.

 

If we find ourselves overreacting to something—as codependents we are often trying to control a situation we can’t control, such as trying to stop a child from moving away to college—we may ask ourselves why we are so upset about the situation and what it is that we fear will happen. Then we can ask ourselves why we hold that fear—where did that fear come from? Most likely, it is a fear based in our past. Something went wrong in the past—we underwent a loss, and now we fear the same situation will recur, even if that fear is completely irrational and what we fear is unlikely to happen.

 

We need to grieve our losses. There are many ways to do so. If we are having difficulty determining what unresolved grief is troubling us, it’s a good idea to chart out every loss we’ve experienced in our life, from a friend, to a pet, to a job, to a grandparent. Some of these will evoke emotions of anger or depression, while others we may simply smile nostalgically over and move on. We can resolve the grief by writing a letter to the person or thing we lost and then burning it. We can try to understand the loss. We can figure out why we didn’t mourn the loss then and mourn it now. We can nurture ourselves, taking time to cry, time to mourn until we feel the pain inside us diminish.

 

Then we can face the current loss in our lives with greater strength and a new perspective where the loss may not seem as traumatic. We came through the earlier loss, and we will get through this one too. So many good things have happened for us since that earlier loss, and we trust this new loss is also going to be followed by much good. We can be thankful for the experience we had, despite the loss that followed, and we can go on with life.

Irene Watson, MA,  is author of The Sitting Swing: Finding Wisdom to Know the Difference, and co-editor of The Story that Must Be Told: True Tales of Transformation, and Authors Access: 30 Success Secrets for Authors and Publishers. She is a workshop leader, managing editor of Reader Views, and president of a non-profit Higher Power Foundation. Irene lives next to Barton Creek in Austin, TX, with her husband Robert.

Forgiving the Dead

On November 2^nd, I posted about researching our family tree to understand our ancestors and the history of dysfunction in our families. A friend of mine, who wishes to remain anonymous, wrote to me in response to that blog, and I’ve asked him to share his personal experience from working on his family of origin. What follows are his own words:

 

I was raised a Catholic. I always struggled with understanding why the Catholic Church honors people as saints and why Catholics pray to the saints for intercession. After reading your blog about family of origin, I think I better understand this partly by better understanding my paternal grandfather.

 

I was always close to my maternal grandfather, and although he’s been dead more than twenty years, I still find myself talking to him and thinking perhaps he’s watching over me. I’ve never talked to my deceased paternal grandfather in this way. But after doing my family of origin work, I’ve gone from seeing him as an ornery old man to a human being deserving love.

 

The same day I read your blog, I happened to be reading Melody Beattie’s book “The New Codependency,” in which she briefly talks about praying for our ancestors. I have started praying for my paternal grandfather now, asking God to forgive him for his faults, or perhaps to let him know I forgive him and I still value his contribution to my life—I want him to know that despite his flaws, his life did matter.

 

The first time I prayed for him, within just a few minutes, I felt overcome almost with tears but also with a great feeling of release. I felt love beyond just sympathy for him. I barely knew him because he died when I was only nine and lived a few hours away. I know him mostly from what people said about him—mostly negative things about his temper, but I’ve learned to interpret these things against the larger picture of how difficult his life was. Now I feel I do know him. Now I talk to him like I do my other grandfather.

 

This experience has made me think I better understand about asking saints to intercede for us, or even the idea of ancestor worship—we pray or simply talk to our ancestors—it’s like we are asking them to witness our stories just like people would do for us at a Twelve-Step meeting. The saints may not respond to our requests, but they witness our struggles and our words. The Bible says the Holy Spirit intercedes for us with great groanings when our own words are inadequate. By talking to saints or ancestors about our lives, we are putting our thoughts into words. We make our thoughts and intentions more clear and we bring about healing in the process. The Bible tells us the Word is the Creation. I get that now. Even if it’s only in our heads, by believing we have a loved one, a sympathetic soul listening to us, we create our own healing.

 

By speaking to my paternal grandfather, I’m letting him know I honor him, that had he lived longer, as an adult I would have wanted to know him, to have a relationship with him. I am healing a family rift. I’m providing healing for him and healing for myself, and hoping that someday my loved ones will equally forgive my faults. Sometimes I even listen to my grandfather. I feel he is telling me to love his son, my father, since he is not there to do so any longer and he wishes he had done a better job of it. My relationship with my father is not what I would like, but by reconnecting with my grandfather, I better understand my father now too.

 

Doing family of origin work and praying for and talking to my grandfather has made me realize how human we all are, and it’s given me gratitude for this incredible learning experience that our family gives us. It makes me appreciate that only by having this human experience can our souls learn these lessons about the value of relationships.

 

Irene Watson, MA,  is author of The Sitting Swing: Finding Wisdom to Know the Difference, and co-editor of The Story that Must Be Told: True Tales of Transformation, and Authors Access: 30 Success Secrets for Authors and Publishers. She is a workshop leader, managing editor of Reader Views, and president of a non-profit Higher Power Foundation. Irene lives next to Barton Creek in Austin, TX, with her husband Robert.

Online Support Groups

When we start recovery, it’s common to go to a counselor or therapist or to attend a support group such as a Twelve-Step meeting, but another wonderful way to find support from other people is online. Numerous support groups exist as email listservs or online forums through Yahoo, and through Twelve Step group websites. These groups can be especially helpful for people who live in small towns where support groups may not exist as well as for people who feel resistance or may hesitate to attend a group in their community. A simple Google search can bring up many support groups, and the Yahoo directories list several groups at http://groups.yahoo.com/

 

Online groups do differ from Twelve-Step groups where we meet in person. While Twelve-Step groups do not allow crosstalk, online groups are there to ask questions, share experiences, and get feedback from others. While you do not have to reveal anything you do not want to, people will see your email address, but at Yahoo you can create a new email address to be whatever you want to protect your anonymity.

 

Confidentiality is as important in online groups as groups that meet in person. Many of these groups require that before you join, you send an email to the group moderator explaining why you want to join the group. This prerequisite is to make sure only people who legitimately want to belong and are sincere will be added to the list, and to protect the privacy of the group. You will usually have to agree to the terms of the group, particularly being confidential. You agree not to repeat what the group shares either verbally or by forwarding emails. The moderator will have to approve your membership, and the moderator also has the right to remove people from the group if they become belligerent toward other members or are in violation of the terms of agreement.

 

Time is also a difference with online groups. People can post messages at anytime day and night, and the members can then read them at their convenience or not read them as they choose. Informative subject lines help people weed out what they do and do not want to read. The result is that conversations on one topic can continue twenty-four hours a day and continue for days rather than be limited to a one hour live meeting. You can also go back and reread what was said so you can better remember it.

 

Online etiquette is important in online groups. Because people respond to each other, we need to remember to be polite to one another. We also need to remember that the written word can be interpreted differently than speech, meaning we cannot hear the person’s tone of voice or read his or her body language. We do not write in capital letters because this is considered equivalent to yelling at someone.

 

Community is just as important in an online group as a group that meets in your town, but you will have a wider chance to meet people from other cities and even countries that can often help to widen your perspective. You also don’t usually need to worry about bumping into these people around your hometown. You might make new friends, but just as at a Twelve-Step group, you do not have to exchange phone numbers with people unless you want to; you do not have to agree to be contacted outside the group by email or any other form.

 

Whether you are nervous, have time constraints, or just prefer talking online, joining an online support group can be a rich and rewarding form of recovery. Take the chance to begin your online recovery journey today!

 

Irene Watson, MA,  is author of The Sitting Swing: Finding Wisdom to Know the Difference, and co-editor of The Story that Must Be Told: True Tales of Transformation, and Authors Access: 30 Success Secrets for Authors and Publishers. She is a workshop leader, managing editor of Reader Views, and president of a non-profit Higher Power Foundation. Irene lives next to Barton Creek in Austin, TX, with her husband Robert.

Overcoming Labels of Fear

Marie Curie once said, “Nothing in life is to be feared. It is only to be understood.”

 

As recovering codependents, alcoholics, or drug addicts, we know about fear, and we know that when people fear us, they reject us. Our clingy behavior made people label us as “needy” and it frightened them away. Our rage that came out when we drank made people label us as angry drunks, and we lost all our friends.

 

We know how labels and rejection can hurt, especially at the times when we most need love and understanding, yet how often do we label people just because we do not understand them? What we don’t understand can be frightening, but learning about it can also be enlightening and make our fear disappear.

 

Today, many things that people feared in past generations make us laugh or shake our heads at the absurdity, even the racism or prejudice that resulted simply from fear of someone who was different.

 

When Michelangelo carved his statue of Moses, he gave Moses horns because he believed Jews had horns and tails, being akin to Satan. Such racist ideas culminated in the Holocaust of World War II; today we realize how wrong it was to allow fear to lead to hate and murder. For centuries, discrimination against Africans was justified by a belief they were descended from Ham, the son whom Noah cursed, and consequently they were lesser people and deserved to be enslaved. A Civil War and a Civil Rights movement were needed before this kind of thinking was no longer acceptable. Even in the last century, alcoholism was considered as a sign of moral depravity until groups like Alcoholics Anonymous helped people to understand it was a disease so sympathy and knowledge could create healing for thousands of people.

 

Still today, we allow fear to stop us from loving people and treating them with respect. Just the other day, I read a letter to the editor in the newspaper that said because gay men were allowed to become priests, children had been sexually abused. This writer equated being gay with being a pedophile. That’s the kind of slippery slope thinking that labels people resulting in racism and discrimination. It’s just as untrue as assuming all blondes are dumb. Similarly, after September 11^th, every Muslim became a terrorist suspect. We can’t stereotype or label people or make sweeping generalizations. Instead, we need to learn to understand and respect them as individuals.

 

Do you not like that kid with the skateboard because you assume he’s a punk? Do you automatically think that girl with the nose ring at the grocery store checkout must be a slut? Why do we jump to these conclusions? It’s mostly out of fear. Sometimes, it’s so we will feel better about ourselves by putting other people down, so we don’t have to look at the pain and dysfunction within ourselves because to do so is too frightening.

 

If we live in fear, we will see the world through narrow glasses. If we are open to loving people for whom they are and accepting them, we’ll find the world a better place, and we’ll attract people willing to accept us. Instead of fearing the gay neighbor, we can talk to him about gardening when we see him working in his yard. Instead of fearing the Muslim woman, we can talk to her about her religious beliefs without being judgmental. We can take an extra minute to talk to the checkout girl with the nose ring—we might be surprised to find out she’s a loving mother and wife. And what about the skateboard punk? We might find him holding open the door for us as we go out of the grocery store.

 

When we make an effort to understand other people, we can build relationships, we will feel better about ourselves, and everyone will benefit. We will find we have more in common than we have to disagree about; after all, we are all human with the same basic needs to be loved and understood.

 

Irene Watson, MA,  is author of The Sitting Swing: Finding Wisdom to Know the Difference, and co-editor of The Story that Must Be Told: True Tales of Transformation, and Authors Access: 30 Success Secrets for Authors and Publishers. She is a workshop leader, managing editor of Reader Views, and president of a non-profit Higher Power Foundation. Irene lives next to Barton Creek in Austin, TX, with her husband Robert.

 

Secrets - The Skeletons in Our Closets

In my last post, I talked about researching the codependency, addictions, and dysfunction in our family trees. I also warned that sometimes our older relatives will not want to share information with us.

 

Every family has its secrets, its skeletons in the closet. People even just a generation or two back were much more secretive and private than today. An unmarried mother was a disgrace to her family. An alcoholic wasn’t talked about. Morals were different in those days. People hid more often behind shame and fear rather than trying to understand dysfunction and work through it.

 

While we might choose to think people did a better job of behaving themselves back then, more likely, they were just better at keeping secrets, and those secrets often broke up homes, led to unwanted children being given away to protect the family, led to more domestic and child abuse because no one would talk about it, and if people knew, they wouldn’t rat on their neighbors.

 

Today, we still keep secrets. Sometimes we have our own secrets, things we are too ashamed to tell other people. It is okay to keep secrets so we can protect ourselves, but it also helps to find someone we can trust to talk to. Secrets often destroy us inside. We make them out to be worse than they are until we find ourselves living our lives in fear, denying who we are from fear someone will find out about the one awful thing we did, or perhaps simply something about us that isn’t even that awful, but we are afraid people will disapprove of it and we will be rejected. Finding a counselor, an anonymous group where secrecy is respected, or a trusted friend is a good place to start to let go of the shame, to refuse to let a secret control our life.

 

Often we are raised in families with secrets. We may have a parent who continually tells us, “Don’t tell anyone…about your father’s drinking problem, about your brother’s cocaine addiction, that your mother has been cheating on me.” If we are children, it is inappropriate for parents to expect us to keep their secrets, but we may be burdened with them anyway, allowing them to make us grow up in fear. If we are adults, we can do better. We can be open and honest rather than creating families where secrets are allowed to prolong and feed shame. We can also help loved ones find a path to a better life beyond the shadows and closed doors where secrets force us to hide. While we can’t make anyone else do anything, we can let loved ones know that we still love them despite their secrets, that we accept them for who they are, and if appropriate, we can direct them to counseling, to a Twelve-Step group, or to literature to help them come to terms with whatever secrets they are keeping.

 

Secrets eventually can become our friends. Once we let go of the shame, we can step into the light and when light is cast on a secret, we often find that what we feared about the secret being known did not happen, that revealing the secret was not as scary as we expected. The secret led to our growth, to our opening the locked door and stepping forward into fresh air and a new day.

 

Irene Watson, MA,  is author of The Sitting Swing: Finding Wisdom to Know the Difference, and co-editor of The Story that Must Be Told: True Tales of Transformation, and Authors Access: 30 Success Secrets for Authors and Publishers. She is a workshop leader, managing editor of Reader Views, and president of a non-profit Higher Power Foundation. Irene lives next to Barton Creek in Austin, TX, with her husband Robert.

Recovery and Your Family Tree

What does genealogy and family history have to do with recovery? Everything. Our family tree has the roots of our codependency, alcoholism, or addictions in it. Just as we get our genes from our ancestors, we get our dysfunctional behaviors, either inherited or through their influence. In recovery, it is helpful to understand where the dysfunctional behavior comes from in ourselves and in our immediate family members—parents, siblings, children. We need to understand the people who shaped us and the people who shaped them. Often, we find researching our family tree will fill us with healing, love, and understanding for our family.

 

I recommend you try to trace at least five generations of your family, starting with yourself and your siblings and then your parents, grandparents, and your grandparents’ parents and grandparents. Most of us knew our grandparents and they played significant roles in our lives. Similarly, who our grandparents were was shaped by their parents and grandparents so to understand our grandparents we need to understand the generations before them.

 

It may or may not be easy to find this information. Sometimes our parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles can fill in details. Sometimes we have no one we can ask. Sometimes our family members may not even want to talk to us about the family—they may feel those things are better left alone—that in itself is a clue of dysfunction and information we will be stronger for knowing. Family members are the best source of information but their memories may be faulty, or they may only know what their parents or grandparents told them, and that may not be everything. We can also consult birth, death, and marriage records, censuses and historical information about the community where our ancestors lived. But how does this information help us?

 

Say your father was emotionally abusive, and you have realized over the years he has low self-esteem, which he compensated for by trying to control you. You remember your grandfather as a mean, ornery old man. You might even know that he physically abused your father as a child. But as you research, you learn more. Your grandfather was an immigrant to this country. Back in his home country, he had to work as a young boy to help support the family because his own father died when he was twelve. He had a mother and younger siblings to help support. Imagine the burden on him. Imagine how difficult it must have been for him to leave his family to come to the United States to find a better life for himself. Imagine being an immigrant in a country where you didn’t speak the language and you knew no one. Imagine finding that life here was not much better than back home. You found a wife and had a family but you were still poor. Imagine living through World War II, daily fearing for your mother and siblings that you left back in Europe. Imagine losing one of your children in a fire. I would think that would give you some reason to be mean and ornery. It doesn’t excuse the behavior, but it does make it understandable, and grandpa then took out his frustrations on dad who in turn took them out on you.

 

It’s just a start. Remember grandma has her story too. Think about it—your parents, grandparents, great-grandparents, and great-great-grandparents—that’s thirty people whose lives have directly or indirectly affected your life. By knowing their stories, we can trace the dysfunction, the pain, as well as the positive aspects about them that we have today. It leads to a better understanding of ourselves, where our dysfunction came from, and how we can keep it from continuing to rear its ugly head by finding different means of dealing with life’s frustrations.

 

In the process, we will also see the triumphs. Maybe dad was emotionally abusive, but unlike his father, he never hit his children. In his own way, he tried to do better, to break the cycle. And grandpa—he didn’t know how to deal with disappointment but he still worked so life would be better for his children than it was for him. That’s love even if not spoken. When we understand our family members, we can see them as whole, complicated people, but people who tried to do better, just like us, and we can continue that family tradition, not of dysfunction, but of trying to do better. Whatever we end up finding in our family trees, we will better understand how dysfunction began and worked in our families and we will be better prepared to deal with the imprints that have been passed down to us.

 

Irene Watson, MA,  is author of The Sitting Swing: Finding Wisdom to Know the Difference, and co-editor of The Story that Must Be Told: True Tales of Transformation, and Authors Access: 30 Success Secrets for Authors and Publishers. She is a workshop leader, managing editor of Reader Views, and president of a non-profit Higher Power Foundation. Irene lives next to Barton Creek in Austin, TX, with her husband Robert.

Loving Ourselves

It is easy to forget to love ourselves. It’s easy to forget to nurture ourselves. It’s easy to forget that if we don’t take care of ourselves, we won’t be able to take care of anyone else.

 

It’s also easy to get caught up in other people’s opinions of us, to accept stereotypes and generalizations, to let strangers’ opinions control and determine our happiness.

 

At these times, we need to draw on our Higher Power. We need to remember that Love is the ultimate power and the ultimate gift to give ourselves.

 

As humans, we are social animals, and that need for attention from other people makes us tend to think we need people to love us. Truthfully, if no one loved us, it would not make us any less loveable. If we are put down because we are women, or gay, or from a certain racial group, or poor, or disabled, or on welfare, or we don’t have a college degree, or because we do have a college degree, or because we are rich, or for whatever reason, it doesn’t matter. We are still loveable.

 

When all the world seems to turn against us, that is when we most need to remember to love ourselves. We don’t do it by spending tons of money we don’t have. We don’t have to do it by eating everything in sight. We can simply put our arms around ourselves, patting ourselves on the back, saying to ourselves, “I love you and I will take care of you. I will always be here for you no matter what.”

 

If we believe in a Higher Power, we remember that Love is what guides the universe. We understand that whatever situations we face will only make us stronger and provide the opportunity for us to learn to rely on ourselves and love and appreciate ourselves all the more.

 

Today, take time to love yourself. Find things about yourself to appreciate—whether it’s your looks, your physique, your intellect, your kind heart, your ability to forgive those who hurt you, your faith in a Higher Power, your artistic abilities, or your refusal to give up. Whatever it is, and I trust if you look hard enough, you’ll find there are many reasons, find reasons to love yourself. You are loveable. It doesn’t matter if anyone else thinks so. The only person you have to live with the rest of your life is yourself so you need to love that person—that should always be your top priority.

 

Irene Watson, MA,  is author of The Sitting Swing: Finding Wisdom to Know the Difference, and co-editor of The Story that Must Be Told: True Tales of Transformation, and Authors Access: 30 Success Secrets for Authors and Publishers. She is a workshop leader, managing editor of Reader Views, and president of a non-profit Higher Power Foundation. Irene lives next to Barton Creek in Austin, TX, with her husband Robert.

 

Struggling with Feelings

Feelings are funny things. Everything in a day may have seemed to go perfectly fine, but then we find ourselves feeling down, or crabby in the evening. Just the same, we might feel ourselves being energetic or exuberant and not be sure why.
 

I strongly believe our feelings are a guidance system for us, to help us know when we are on the right or wrong path. Being in touch with our feelings is paramount to making the best decisions for ourselves. When we realize we feel unhappy, we need to stop and figure out why. Are we denying something that bothered us earlier in the day? Did something not happen that we had hoped would?

 

We should always try to feel the best we can. Sometimes we can find a simple solution to our unhappy feelings—perhaps we are “just” tired, hungry, overworked. We need a break or to eat something or a song to cheer us up and an hour later we feel better. Other times, we need to accept our feelings.

 

Maybe someone at work said something that hurt us. We acknowledge we felt hurt and then we move on. Perhaps we resolve to talk to the person, or we decide that person is not worth feeling badly about. We don’t have to react, and we don’t have to feel a certain way. But we do need to acknowledge the feeling.

 

I once read that how we react to a situation is based 20% on what is happening at the moment, and 80% upon what has happened in the past. Do we expect something to go wrong because it went wrong in the past? Do we expect a person to react a certain way to us because someone else reacted that way in the past to the same situation?

 

Feelings are often the result of the past. We can learn to consider the present, the living moment and ask ourselves whether our feelings match the current situation.

 

We can also let ourselves know that it is okay to feel however we do. We don’t have to feel guilty because we feel angry or sad about something. We can simply accept how we feel. Denying our feelings tends to give negative situations more power and attention than they deserve. Sometimes we just need to say to ourselves, “That’s the way it is, and this is how I feel about it.” Then we can turn our attention away from it and focus on something else. We can feel without wallowing in the feeling. Then we can reach for something to feel good about.

 

Irene Watson, MA,  is author of The Sitting Swing: Finding Wisdom to Know the Difference, and co-editor of The Story that Must Be Told: True Tales of Transformation, and Authors Access: 30 Success Secrets for Authors and Publishers. She is a workshop leader, managing editor of Reader Views, and president of a non-profit Higher Power Foundation. Irene lives next to Barton Creek in Austin, TX, with her husband Robert.

Learning to Wait

Learning to wait can be difficult, especially when it is for something we feel we desperately want or need. In our modern, high-tech world, we have learned to be impatient, to expect things immediately. When we are told we have to wait an hour to be seated at a restaurant, or we cannot have a package by next-day mail, we complain, we go elsewhere for service.

 

But sometimes the things we most want and need cannot be achieved so quickly. We probably began recovery looking for a “quick fix” to our relationship, marriage, our boyfriend’s addiction, or whatever problem we had. We find the situation that is driving us crazy does not resolve itself overnight. We don’t know what to do. We can make healthy choices for ourselves, but even after we do so, we may find we are not fulfilled, not happy, not in the place we want to be. The only thing we can then do is wait.

 

Waiting is not easy, but sometimes it is the most effective way to heal a situation. Take a broken relationship for example. The boyfriend and girlfriend break up. The girlfriend wants to get back together. She keeps trying until she only drives him farther away from her. She is convinced they are still meant to be together, but she just has to wait. Perhaps he needs to get a grip on his drinking problem and once he does he will realize he is meant to be with her and they will live happily ever after.

 

Sometimes we start waiting with such fantasies. It’s possible, but not likely this will happen. More likely, in time the girlfriend will realize they were not meant to be together. She will learn she can find another relationship, a better, healthier one. Perhaps she will see or hear about the ex-boyfriend and realize his journey is progressing toward healing, but also progressing in a direction different than her own. One day, while she may always care about the boyfriend, she wakes up and realizes the pain is gone and she is free to live her life again. Perhaps someone or something special comes into her life, and she realizes she would not have been ready for it had she not gone through the earlier experience. The waiting was worthwhile.

 

Waiting is not easy, especially when we focus on the future and how long the waiting may take. We need to focus on living day to day. Perhaps what we want is six months away. We don’t think we can wait that long, but we wait an hour or two, and then we tell ourselves, “If I could get through this morning, I can get through this afternoon and evening. If I got through today, I can get through tomorrow. If I got through this week, I can get through next week” and so on. Soon time will have gone by faster than we could have imagined, and we find that we were living while we were waiting. When we look back, what seemed so important at that time is not so important now. Why? Because learning to wait heals, and waiting puts life in perspective.

Irene Watson, MA,  is author of The Sitting Swing: Finding Wisdom to Know the Difference, and co-editor of The Story that Must Be Told: True Tales of Transformation, and Authors Access: 30 Success Secrets for Authors and Publishers. She is a workshop leader, managing editor of Reader Views, and president of a non-profit Higher Power Foundation. Irene lives next to Barton Creek in Austin, TX, with her husband Robert.

Estrangement from Unhealthy People

Estrangement can be a blessing. In my last two postings, I talked about reasons for estrangement and how to recover from the pain that goes with it.

 

At the same time, estrangement from someone may end up to be the best thing possible for us. How many times have we heard about women murdered by crazy boyfriends and husbands, and then later the man’s ex-girlfriends came forward and confessed how he had mistreated or abused them and they had to leave him? I am sure these women are counting their lucky stars that they left before they also became murder victims.

 

While that example may be extreme, sometimes the person we are estranged from, the person who perhaps we don’t reject but who rejects us, is better left alone after all. Looking back, I’m sure many of us can recall relationships that were not healthy for us, but that at the time we thought were important. It might be with a boyfriend or girlfriend, it might be with the wild crowd of people we hung out with in high school or college. We may later find out a friend from high school became a drug dealer, a prostitute, a criminal. That person was once one of our best friends, and we feel bad for him or her, but we are also thankful that by the grace of God, or by our own decision to leave a bad situation, our lives did not go down that same road.

 

Reflecting back on the past often leads us to seeing patterns we could not see at the time. The old saying, “What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger” rings true in these cases. We realize the boyfriend who dumped us, whom we thought was all our world, actually did us a favor. Instead of spending all our time worshipping him and allowing him to control or use us, we find our hearts broken for a short time, but then we regroup. We begin to feel anger. Then relief. We are glad the situation ended. We learn from the experience what we do not want in the next relationship. We focus on our goals, if not for relationships, for life. Do we want to date someone whose only purpose in life is to get high every night? Or do we want to pursue an art degree, become a business executive, travel around the world speaking to interesting people? Adversity leads us to new growth.

 

Yes, estrangement can be a blessing.

 

Irene Watson, MA,  is author of The Sitting Swing: Finding Wisdom to Know the Difference, and co-editor of The Story that Must Be Told: True Tales of Transformation, and Authors Access: 30 Success Secrets for Authors and Publishers. She is a workshop leader, managing editor of Reader Views, and president of a non-profit Higher Power Foundation. Irene lives next to Barton Creek in Austin, TX, with her husband Robert.

Estrangement We Caused

In my last post, I talked about estrangement that results from people unwilling to accept the changes in us once we begin recovery. However, estrangement often begins before we begin recovery. It can be the reason we enter recovery.

 

For example, a relationship might end—a romantic relationship, a friendship, even an employment relationship—because we acted codependent, controlling, manipulative, or our addictions resulted in the other person rejecting us. Sometimes we know it is our fault the relationship ended. At other times, we may not understand why the other person rejected us. We may feel guilt, confusion, low self-esteem, even suicidal because we feel the other person’s opinion of us and our need to be with that person are so important that we cannot handle the estrangement that follows.

 

At this time, we most need to enter recovery—either that or we are risked with facing years of a broken heart or becoming a stalker and making the situation worse. We may begin recovery believing we can “fix” whatever it is about ourselves that made the other person reject us. We may find the estrangement from that person to be painful, but we accept it for a short while as we work on ourselves. We might tell ourselves that in thirty days, six months, or at Christmas, we will contact that person, show him or her we have changed, and then the person will take us back. We may even misconstrue what it means to make amends to people. We may eventually contact the person because Step 9 of the Twelve-Step Anonymous programs tells us to make amends. Only, Step 9 also says that we make amends “except when to do so would injure them or others.” We must think long and hard about that condition before making amends. Otherwise, we may make matters worse. Yes, we can go overboard with making amends. We can become obsessed with our need for forgiveness.

 

We hope for a happy ending, but it is just as likely that the estrangement will continue. We send a letter, we make a phone call, we write an email. The other person does not pick up the phone, does not write or call back. We find forgiveness is not going to be forthcoming. We feel near unbearable pain over the loss, but eventually, we realize there is no point in continuing to try to reach that other person. We have apologized. We have left the door open. It is up to him or her to reenter our lives. We remember we cannot force them.

 

Slowly, we realize that while the other person may never say, “I forgive you,” our obsession with needing to make amends is based in our own shame. Slowly, we learn that we must forgive ourselves for our faults. We do this by continuing to work our recovery program, by continuing to make progress, by learning from our mistakes and not repeating them. We forgive ourselves. We can continue to hold that other person in our hearts with love, but most importantly, we learn to love ourselves.

 

We find that we do not need that other person in order to live a happy, fulfilling life. We stop blocking other positive relationships from our lives by focusing solely on the estranged person. We make new friends. We do better this time around. We attract healthy relationships with other people.

 

We find that at that low point when we became estranged from a loved one, that we actually were estranged from our own well-being. Now we are reconnected with our true and better self.

 

Irene Watson, MA,  is author of The Sitting Swing: Finding Wisdom to Know the Difference, and co-editor of The Story that Must Be Told: True Tales of Transformation, and Authors Access: 30 Success Secrets for Authors and Publishers. She is a workshop leader, managing editor of Reader Views, and president of a non-profit Higher Power Foundation. Irene lives next to Barton Creek in Austin, TX, with her husband Robert.

Estrangement and Boundaries

For a long time, we have allowed crazy, dysfunctional, unhealthy people in our lives. Now we are in recovery and we are learning to say, “No” to people and behaviors that are detrimental to our well-being and our growth. We start deciding whom we want and no longer want in our lives. We cut ties as need be with those whom we can no longer associate. As for those people we want to keep—the healthy, positive, loving ones—we choose to continue building relationships.
 

The dysfunctional people whom we still love, particularly family members, we may also choose to have in our lives, but we need to set boundaries so we do not let them control us or let us slide back into codependent behaviors.

 

Boundary setting can be difficult for us. It can also be difficult for the people with whom we try to enforce the boundaries. Once we set the boundary, we need to know what we will do if the other person will not respect it. We have to be prepared not to have that person in our lives if that is what is best for our well-being. The other person may find him or herself unwilling to accept the change we have made. He or she may feel threatened by the change in us. People may be upset because we will no longer take care of them, allow them to manipulate us, or wallow in their misery with them. They may offer us ultimatums or threats to end the relationship if we do not do what they want. We tell them to stop manipulating us. They may then leave, or if need be, we may tell them we no longer want them in our lives.

 

Estrangement is difficult to deal with. Even if we make the decision not to have someone in our lives, it does not mean we have to stop loving that person. It just means we love ourselves by not allowing that person to hurt us. We can continue to pray for that person, and we can wish them well in our hearts. If we bump into them on the street, we can say “Hello” so they know we do not hold anger against them, but at the same time, we do not budge on the boundaries we have set.

 

Sometimes the estranged person is an ex-spouse, a child, a parent, a sibling, which makes matters extremely difficult. We wish things were different, but we have to remember that we cannot change that person. We cannot fix them. We cannot force them down their own road to recovery. We must focus on ourselves. We trust that in the end everything will be the best for them. Perhaps that will mean eventually they will come back as changed people. Perhaps it means we will never speak to them again. We still hold the person in our heart in love, while we remain thankful that we had the courage to change.

Irene Watson, MA,  is author of The Sitting Swing: Finding Wisdom to Know the Difference, and co-editor of The Story that Must Be Told: True Tales of Transformation, and Authors Access: 30 Success Secrets for Authors and Publishers. She is a workshop leader, managing editor of Reader Views, and president of a non-profit Higher Power Foundation. Irene lives next to Barton Creek in Austin, TX, with her husband Robert.

 

Do You Need a Job for Codependency Reasons?

One of my friends who retired a couple of years ago told me the other day that she thought she should get a job. Not thinking that she and her husband might have financial problems, I asked her whether she was bored with retirement, and I suggested she find some new hobbies or she volunteer somewhere—to do something she would enjoy without having to be tied down to a work schedule. But she told me she was enjoying retirement and that wasn’t why she needed a job. She needed to make some money.

 

Then I asked her whether she and her husband were having financial difficulties. Had they not saved enough for retirement? Had they lost a substantial amount of money during the recent economic downturn? No, she told me, they had plenty of money to live on.

 

After a few more questions, she admitted to me that she felt she had to make money so she would have something to leave to her grown son because he was in credit-card debt and had a job that only paid a little over minimum wage.

 

I tried gently but firmly to enforce in her mind that while it was admirable that she loved her son and wanted to take care of him, he was an adult, nearly middle-aged, and it was not her responsibility, since he was an adult, to take care of him. She expressed her concern that she didn’t know what would become of him when she was gone. She also expressed that she didn’t know where she went wrong in raising him.

 

This son admittedly has little ambition to do anything; he tends to be negative and have a defeatist attitude, but I don’t see this as his mother’s fault. She made sure he had what he needed; she pushed him to get through college; she gave him every opportunity she could. Yet she feels like a failure, like she is responsible for his failure, or at least his unwillingness to do something to better himself.

 

If any role in this world can breed codependency, it has to be that of motherhood. Mothers never cease to be mothers. But they also have to realize that no matter what they do for their children, ultimately, their children are responsible for making their own decisions, especially once they are adults. Sure, parents want to leave something behind for their children, but they are not required to do so; they don’t have to do so. Retirement should be a time for people to relax and enjoy themselves.

 

You may not be able to help yourself from worrying about your children, but ask yourself whether you are enabling them when you give them money and gifts to compensate for necessities they should be able to provide for themselves?

 

My friend asks herself what is going to happen to her son after she is gone. If she continues trying to take care of him rather than letting him learn to take care of himself, then I wonder as well.

 

Irene Watson, MA,  is author of The Sitting Swing: Finding Wisdom to Know the Difference, and co-editor of The Story that Must Be Told: True Tales of Transformation, and Authors Access: 30 Success Secrets for Authors and Publishers. She is a workshop leader, managing editor of Reader Views, and president of a non-profit Higher Power Foundation. Irene lives next to Barton Creek in Austin, TX, with her husband Robert.

The Fine Line—Codependency, Politics, & Religion

I find myself swayed both ways in the current debate on healthcare. Perhaps that’s because I can see both sides. Perhaps it’s because my codependency comes calling to me on these social issues. It is a social issue—an issue that concerns taking care of people, and taking care of people always causes concerns for me about falling back into codependent behavior.
 

I find myself agreeing with President Obama and the proponents for health care reform when they declare that no one in the United States should want for adequate medical care. After all, we live in the richest nation on earth, but how great are we if we cannot take care of our own citizens? It’s a heartfelt belief we should help those less fortunate. It’s the spiritual thing to do. Despite all the faults of organized religion—the prejudice, the disagreements over theological issues that overlook the purpose of mainstream religion—it’s the belief in charity, love of neighbor, and being kind that are what matter most about religion. While we have separation of church and state in this country—precisely because of those flaws of organized religion—we are, if not a spiritual people, hopefully a good people who care about other people, and there’s nothing wrong with caring about people.

 

But the other side of the debate over healthcare has within it a fear that we will become a socialist nation. What is wrong with socialism? Isn’t it a religious ideal that everyone should be treated equally and have what he or she needs? But in doing so, aren’t we also letting people feel entitled to having something without effort. The fault of socialism is that it leaves no place for people to be motivated to try harder since they will have to retain an equality with their neighbors. While healthcare may not have anything to do with class mobility or recognition for achievement, it does ask that people financially give of their dollars to take care of one another. We should take care of each other, but is it the role of government to force us to do so? Will universal healthcare, as welfare has done in many cases, replace the need to work for something? Is it enabling people as we codependents would be tempted to do?

 

I don’t have the answers to what is an acceptable form of healthcare reform. But I think we should each look into our own ideas about healthcare to see whether codependency is rearing its head in this issue. In the United States’ constant efforts to take care of the world’s problems, have we become a codependent nation?

 

As a recovering codependent, I still want to help people, but I also know that sometimes helping people is detrimental to them and to me. Are we our brother’s keeper? Or can we simply be our neighbor’s friend? Who is our neighbor? What do we owe to our neighbors, to our fellow Americans, to our fellow human beings? What would Buddha do? What do we owe to ourselves? We each have to answer those questions for ourselves on this issue.

Irene Watson, MA,  is author of The Sitting Swing: Finding Wisdom to Know the Difference, and co-editor of The Story that Must Be Told: True Tales of Transformation, and Authors Access: 30 Success Secrets for Authors and Publishers. She is a workshop leader, managing editor of Reader Views, and president of a non-profit Higher Power Foundation. Irene lives next to Barton Creek in Austin, TX, with her husband Robert.

On Not Being a Team Player

On September 23^rd, I wrote about it being time to move on from a Twelve-Step group. I received feedback on that posting from a number of people. One of them was from one of my author friends who said he could relate to it because he had recently decided to quit attending another organization, a group for improving one’s public speaking. He had been attending this group for a couple of years and enjoyed participating in it, but work commitments and his own desire to spend more time writing made it increasingly more difficult for him to attend or do the extra work involved with being a member, including preparing speeches.

 

He continued to attend when he could, but when it came time to pay yearly dues, he decided it was time not to go any longer. When he explained to the president he would no longer attend, he was happy to hear he would be missed and that he was one of the most valued members of the group; in return, my friend replied that he was glad to be appreciated, but he felt he had gotten what he wanted from the group and now it was time to move on. In the next couple of days, the president and a couple of other members informed him that being a member wasn’t about what he could get out of the group but about what he could give. “We need you,” they told him.

 

Similar to my blog posting about whether we would continue to attend a Codependents Anonymous meeting out of a codependent need to help others, my friend said he did consider for a long time going to the meeting because he felt he was needed and he was happy to help other people, but he also felt like he had too many other commitments and interests pulling at him. After he thought about it some more, he decided, “I didn’t start going to this group so I could help other people, but so I could improve myself. I went so I could become a better speaker. I accomplished my goal so it is time to move on.” He told himself he should not feel guilty about leaving, and although he felt the other members thought he was selfish, he decided what they thought did not matter so long as he was happy with his decision.

 

How often, whether it’s belonging to a group, a church, or a club, do we continue doing something we no longer want to do because it’s easier than explaining to people we don’t want to do it anymore, because we don’t want to disappoint people, or because we feel guilty? Is it really our responsibility to help other people, or to keep a group alive when we no longer feel it is beneficial or of interest to us?

 

If you’ve ever belonged to an organization or club, you probably know that no matter how many people belong, only a handful usually participate and really get involved. I wonder how many of those core members who keep groups alive, while I bless them for their efforts, are codependent?

 

The bottom line is if we enjoy an activity, we should continue to do it. If we find we don’t enjoy it any longer, we don’t have to participate any more. My friend, himself a recovering codependent, admits that a few years ago, he probably would have been talked into staying, probably wouldn’t have even taken the step to leave. Instead, he realizes he is not required to be a team player, to do something for the good of the group. But he leaves the door open. If he finds he misses the group or he wants to go back to it, he can do so, but only because he will enjoy doing so, not out of guilt.

Irene Watson, MA,  is author of The Sitting Swing: Finding Wisdom to Know the Difference, and co-editor of The Story that Must Be Told: True Tales of Transformation, and Authors Access: 30 Success Secrets for Authors and Publishers. She is a workshop leader, managing editor of Reader Views, and president of a non-profit Higher Power Foundation. Irene lives next to Barton Creek in Austin, TX, with her husband Robert.

Get a Different Perspective

Life can be overwhelming at times, or is it just our perspective of whether or not it is overwhelming? Part of rewriting the script is literally changing our thoughts and the way we word our sentences.

Most of how we function in life depends on our attitude, viewpoint, and perspective.

Let’s take an example of a day when you feel frazzled. Work is piling up, you have to bring the kids to soccer practice, and pick up the dry-cleaning; your mother wants you to come over to help her with something, and the toilet overflowed that morning. Is this a bad day—is it a crazy day?

Recently, one of my friends told me she had a lot to do but she felt her life was abundant. Remembering her words has helped me a lot when I start to feel overwhelmed with work, or when I feel I’m too "busy." Instead, I tell myself that my life is abundant. After all, I certainly prefer abundant to empty.

Here are a few ways we can change our perspective on some of the above scenario by simply rephrasing and thereby making ourselves feel better.

·

"I have to pick up the dry-cleaning."

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"How nice that I’ll have a freshly pressed shirt to wear tomorrow. I enjoy how it feels against my skin."

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"I can’t believe how much work I have to do. I’ll have to work extra long hours this week."

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"It’s great to have all this extra work—it’s definitely job security. And the extra money from the overtime can go into my retirement fund so I can play more later."

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"I’m so tired of running my kids around to all of these extracurricular activities all the time."

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"It’s wonderful that my children are so interested in sports/music/participating. I’m proud to have talented go-getter children who have many interests."

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"I wish my mother would let me know sooner when she needs me to help with something rather than waiting until the last minute."

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"I’m glad my mom asks me for help. After all the years she took care of me, I’m happy to repay the favor, and I enjoy how it gives us time to bond."

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"I hate when the toilet overflows. I hate cleaning up the mess."

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"Cleaning up an overflowing toilet once in a great while is a small price to pay for indoor plumbing. I’m so much more fortunate than people who have outhouses."

Again, it’s all about how we choose to look at things. A lot of things in life can get us down, but most of the time, they are really little things, and if we choose, we can see that they are good things—they show that we are alive, that our lives are abundant!

Next time you feel yourself getting angry or irritated about something, pause and think about how you can rewrite the script with a new perspective. You’ll find life becomes much easier much more quickly.

Irene Watson, MA,  is author of The Sitting Swing: Finding Wisdom to Know the Difference, and co-editor of The Story that Must Be Told: True Tales of Transformation, and Authors Access: 30 Success Secrets for Authors and Publishers. She is a workshop leader, managing editor of Reader Views, and president of a non-profit Higher Power Foundation. Irene lives next to Barton Creek in Austin, TX, with her husband Robert.

Recovery and Children

When we are in recovery, we spend a lot of time thinking back to our childhoods. We think about our family of origin, the addictions or dysfunctional behavior of our parents, siblings, aunts, uncles, or grandparents. We wonder why it is that of all the parents in the world, we had to end up with abusive ones. We wonder why our older brother had to sexually abuse us, or why our grandmother had to be putting us down all the time. We wish we had different childhoods.

We may forget, however, about the future and the family of the present. What about our children? Yes, we’ve already done better than the generations before us. Our children are safe, they are not being abused, maybe they even hear "I love you" from us. Our children hopefully are not living a life like we knew as children, but what are we doing, besides making sure that bad things aren’t happening to them, to make sure that good things are happening to them?

Did your grandmother tell you that you’d never amount to anything? Have you told your daughter that she can grow up to be anything she wants to be whether it’s a ballerina, an astronaut, a teacher, or President of the United States, and that whatever she grows up to be, you will always love and support her?

Did your father physically beat you as a child? Have you told your son you know he is capable of beating all the odds and making it as a professional football player, an actor, an entrepreneur, or a chef in a five star restaurant if he puts his mind to it, and that you will help him all the way?

Have you encouraged your children to dream? Have you encouraged them to face their fears and soar beyond them?

When you think about your childhood and what went wrong, think about the limitations imposed on you, the boundaries, the things people told you that you couldn’t do. Turn those messages around. For every "You can’t" you heard as a child, tell your child ten times over, "You can."

When you hear your child express doubt about himself and his abilities, or you hear her telling her sibling they aren’t capable of doing something, pull them aside and tell them an inspirational story. Make them believe they can. Remember "The Little Engine That Could"? Make sure your children know that story and many like it.

Getting past the negative in our family is only half of breaking the cycle. The other half is starting a new cycle, a positive cycle of creating enthusiastic, successful, fearless children with a "CAN-DO" attitude. Raise your children so they will soar in life!

Irene Watson, MA,  is author of The Sitting Swing: Finding Wisdom to Know the Difference, and co-editor of The Story that Must Be Told: True Tales of Transformation, and Authors Access: 30 Success Secrets for Authors and Publishers. She is a workshop leader, managing editor of Reader Views, and president of a non-profit Higher Power Foundation. Irene lives next to Barton Creek in Austin, TX, with her husband Robert.

Affirmations & Inspirational Quotations

When we are recovering, we find ourselves starting to feel a little better, but that can also be scary because we’re not used to it. Rather than retreat, we need constant reminders that we are on the right path. Affirmations and inspirational quotations are a great help in this process.

We can write affirmations for ourselves. Many people like to make their own little affirmation cards using index cards or just slips of paper. Sometimes they post them around the house—on the refrigerator, the bathroom mirror, wherever they will see them. Write affirmations for yourself that will affirm you and your goals and dreams. Here are a few for starters.

I am a loveable child of God.

I can do anything I set my mind to.

When I am afraid to do something, it’s a sign I should do it so I can be stronger.

I know what is best for me.

My body breathes in love and heals itself.

I am a source of love and happiness to others.

My thoughts go out into the universe and bring back to me positive reinforcements.

All my needs will be met today. All I have to do is allow it to happen.

If I focus on being happy as my ultimate goal, I will make the best decisions for both others and me.

Inspirational quotations are also wonderful, and they are usually said by people we admire and who serve as examples of success, courage, and faith. They can be reminders of what we need to hear to carry on with our lives and our goals. Here are a few of my favorite quotes:

"If you hear a voice within you say ‘you cannot paint’ then by all means paint and that voice will be silenced." — Vincent Van Gogh

"Whether you think you can, or you think you can’t, you’re right." — Henry Ford

"Formulate and stamp indelibly on your mind a mental picture of yourself as succeeding. Hold this picture tenaciously. Never permit it to fade. Your mind will seek to develop the picture...Do not build up obstacles in your imagination." — Norman Vincent Peale

"Fear and God do not occupy the same place." — Reverend Dick Gregory

"You wouldn’t have the desire if you didn’t have the ability to achieve it." — Ralph Waldo Emerson

I suggest you find a little book or place to write down great quotations when you find them. You will find yourself going back to them time and time again and drawing renewed strength from them. You’ll also find them constantly in your thoughts, and you will come to be inspired by them and have them available to inspire and affirm others.

Affirmations and inspirational quotations are a great tool for "rewriting the script"—they help to rewire our brain to a new, positive, and more productive way of thinking.

Irene Watson, MA,  is author of The Sitting Swing: Finding Wisdom to Know the Difference, and co-editor of The Story that Must Be Told: True Tales of Transformation, and Authors Access: 30 Success Secrets for Authors and Publishers. She is a workshop leader, managing editor of Reader Views, and president of a non-profit Higher Power Foundation. Irene lives next to Barton Creek in Austin, TX, with her husband Robert.

When Not to Make Decisions

We humans are fickle people. We might like something one moment and not the next. We might think something is a good idea and then later change our minds. When we are in a fickle mood, when we are in a bad mood, we should refrain from making decisions.

A good reminder I’ve often heard to remember when not to make a decision is to use the acronym HALT. HALT stands for:

Hungry
Angry
Lonely
Tired

When we are feeling hungry, angry, lonely, or tired, we are not in our best frame of mind and should refrain from making a decision until we no longer are feeling that way. A few other feelings might be added to this list. Frightened is a good one. Sick is another. In short, we should realize that these moods are when we are not perhaps thinking clearly or when we are more likely to snap at someone rather than reply in a tactful, kind, or rational manner.

I’ve found that being aware that my feelings make me act differently also "halts" me from acting without thinking. For example, if I find I am feeling cranky and my husband is starting to get on my nerves, I can pause for a moment and go through this list to see why I am feeling the way I do. If I realize I’m hungry, I can tell myself to eat something and then I will feel better, and I will have enough willpower to hold off on snapping at my husband for the twenty minutes or so it will take for me to fill my belly.

It is also perfectly fine when we are feeling one of these less than optimal ways to tell people "I’ll get back to you on that" or explain, "I’m really tired/sick right now. I’ll get back to you later when I’m feeling better and can think about it more clearly."

Other times, something may be bothering us that may make us indifferent to another decision that needs to be made. For example, we might be worried about losing our job (frightened) and so when someone asks us whether we want to go to the movie on Saturday, we might say, "No," or "I don’t care." But the next day, we might find we had no need to worry, and then our decision will change.

The point, the best thing to do, is to consider the state of mind, the emotion you are feeling when you are asked to make a decision. If you have to make an immediate decision, ask yourself, "If I weren’t feeling lonely/tired/angry right now, but in my best state of mind, what decision would I make?" and then go with that decision. Otherwise, if you feel so bad you can’t imagine a better feeling, put off the decision until later when you do feel better.

Few decisions in life need to be made immediately. Take time to check your HALT list and make the best decision for when you feel your best.

Irene Watson, MA,  is author of The Sitting Swing: Finding Wisdom to Know the Difference, and co-editor of The Story that Must Be Told: True Tales of Transformation, and Authors Access: 30 Success Secrets for Authors and Publishers. She is a workshop leader, managing editor of Reader Views, and president of a non-profit Higher Power Foundation. Irene lives next to Barton Creek in Austin, TX, with her husband Robert.

“You Can’t Do That!”

Too often those of us in recovery have let other people’s opinions hold us back from doing and being who we are. And we have allowed fear to keep us from even trying to do things.

Somewhere in life someone told us or made us feel we weren’t pretty enough, smart enough, strong enough, talented enough to do it, and we sadly listened and caved in.

Don’t do it! Don’t listen to the negative voices. Don’t stay within the walls others build for you. Prove people wrong.

A few years back, a talking Barbie doll was made that had in its repertoire of sayings, "Math is hard."

The feminists righteously were furious about this, angered by the stereotype that girls were not good at math. What a horrible example for our daughters to have a doll—not even a human being—brainwashing them into thinking math has to be hard for them because they are girls.

Fortunately, many of us are too smart or too strong to listen. Our human spirits should be, and are, stronger than whatever "You can’t" or "That’s too hard" phrases we hear.

If everyone listened to such voices, nothing would be accomplished. We would not have lightbulbs, automobiles, computers, helicopters, music, books, movies, even the wheel. We’d be back in the Stone Age.

We have inner voices we should listen to instead—and not that negative voice of fear—but the inner guidance voice, the voice that tells us to do something because our heart tells us to, because to do so is following our bliss and passion, because it is what we believe is right to do, even if only right for us.

Recently, one of my friends quit his day-job to become self-employed. People told him, "You can’t afford to do that" but his response was always, "Yes I can and here’s why" and he listed his prospective customers that would make his dream a reality. In truth, he wasn’t sure he could afford it either, but he knew he could no longer stay at the job that was draining his energy when he could be self-employed doing what he loved. He talked himself into it as he justified it to other people. He told me he recently came across the following quote, and whenever he feels fear about being self-employed, it helps him change his perspective.

"No person who is enthusiastic about his work has anything to fear from life." – Samuel Goldwyn

And he is doing fine, making more money now than he did at his day-job, and oodles happier.

So next time someone tells you, "You can’t," be sure to reply, "I can and I will!" Don’t let anything hold you back from doing what makes you happy and what is right for you.

Have Fun—Step Outside the Box

Children are full of imagination. They don’t immediately squelch their ideas and thoughts with "That won’t work" or "People will think I’m (silly/dumb/stupid etc.) if I do that."

But as we get older and grow up, we start to worry what other people will think. We start to squelch ourselves from having fun from fear of what others will say about us.

Today, find that child in you again. Here are a few stories of people I know that have done just that.

I have a friend in his thirties who as a child loved the Smurfs—not just the cartoon, but he had a bunch of the little figurines. When he got older, he boxed the figurines up and left them in his parents’ basement. Then when he bought his first home, he brought his belongings from his parents’ house and rediscovered his Smurf collection. He first thought about putting them on display in his house—then he decided people would think that silly—then he decided, who cares? Not only did he buy a large glass case to display them in, but he started to collect more. His collection has now grown until what was the intended "guest room" has become the "Smurf room." When asked what his guests think about it, he replies, "Love me; love my Smurfs." Although he doesn’t spend a lot of time in the guest room, he finds if he’s having a down day, just a few minutes in that room will make him start to feel "smurfy."

Another friend of mine recently went to the state fair. He hadn’t been to one in years, but when he used to go, riding the rides was always part of the experience. He was dismayed when none of his approaching forty friends would ride with him. He bought tickets and got in line—and was even more dismayed to find he was the oldest person in line. One of his friends told him he was lucky the ride operators didn’t tell him he couldn’t ride from fear he might have a heart-attack. My friend just laughed, enjoyed that he is still young at heart, and rode all afternoon with glee.

Another friend recalled a day at work when her co-worker made a simple paper badge and pinned it to her shirt. The badge said, "I feel pretty." Whenever anyone saw it, they would laugh or at least smile, and then my friend would start laughing all over again. My friend said it cheered up her day immensely.

These examples may be a bit extreme to start with, but what can you do to let your inner child, that gleeful, youthful, fun spirit out? Groups like the red hat ladies exist for this reason—to flaunt their age and show they can still have fun wearing their red and purple.

Most importantly, don’t forget that the purpose is not to make yourself look ridiculous. Do what makes you comfortable, but just slightly not—stepping outside the box. Have fun and energize your spirit. Like the old song says, "It doesn’t matter if it’s not good enough for anyone else to hear. Just sing. Sing a song."

Irene Watson, MA,  is author of The Sitting Swing: Finding Wisdom to Know the Difference, and co-editor of The Story that Must Be Told: True Tales of Transformation, and Authors Access: 30 Success Secrets for Authors and Publishers. She is a workshop leader, managing editor of Reader Views, and president of a non-profit Higher Power Foundation. Irene lives next to Barton Creek in Austin, TX, with her husband Robert.

Trusting Ourselves

Learning to trust ourselves is one of the most important lessons of recovery. In the past, we have too often relied on other people to give us the answers—whether their answers were right or wrong; we surrendered our power to them, looking to them for approval and guidance.

It is fine to ask for help, to ask for someone’s advice or opinion, but it is not fine to give that person’s advice power over what we know is true for ourselves. How many times have we heard stories of people who did amazing things who were surrounded by naysayers, who laughed at them or told them what they wanted to accomplish was impossible? The world would be back in the stone ages had people listened always to other people rather than trusting themselves.

We can ask twenty people for their advice and get twenty different answers, or half of them might say, "Yes," and half say, "No." Most of the time we are not really asking for advice, but hoping people will agree with us. In our hearts, we know what is right for us. We just have to trust ourselves.

Inner child therapy teaches us to talk to our inner child. The inner child is the scared little boy or girl who sees doom coming if we do something that makes us nervous. We can have our inner adult talk to that inner child, consoling him, promising him that everything will be all right because we will take care of him. That is what trusting ourselves is about. Reassuring that frightened child inside us that there is an adult in charge, someone with a Higher Power who will make sure everything is okay. That someone in charge is us.

No one is going to know what is right for us better than ourselves. Sometimes we may make mistakes, but usually those mistakes result from our listening to other people or not doing what is right for us out of fear. We cannot live in fear. We cannot move forward if we listen to fear’s voice. Trusting ourselves means letting go of fear; it includes trusting God or our Higher Power.

When we feel we cannot trust ourselves, when we do not know what to do, we turn to our Higher Power. We ask to be granted "the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference." We make our decision based on where the issue falls—something we can or cannot change—and we do what is best for us. We trust the answer will come, the right answer for us.

We are all gifted with intuition, with an inner guidance system. We just need to listen for its voice telling us what to do next. The voice will speak. We will get the answer we need. It may help to meditate or pray to hear the voice. It helps not to let the people around us drown out our inner voice with their own. We may have to be patient, but we can trust that the answer will come. We can trust ourselves.

Time to Move On

Once we begin recovery, we may wonder whether it will ever end. We may go to a Twelve-Step group looking for answers to solve our problem, to overcome our codependency or our addiction. We find out the answers are not easy. We find no one can tell us what to do. We keep going for weeks, then months, then years, slowly "getting it," slowly learning how to recover, to heal, to restore our relationships, to balance our lives, to live our lives again.

We gather tools for our toolbox that we can pull out as situations arise. We learn to deal with various situations in a healthy manner. We draw strength and courage from the people who come and go at the meetings we attend.

Then the day may come when going to the meeting no longer seems to help us. It starts to feel like a chore. We could not foresee this day coming when we began because it felt like we had so much to learn that we would never get to a place of feeling safe, of knowing how to stand by our boundaries, of not acting codependent.

The learning never ends. There are lessons throughout life. Our codependency may be dormant, but it may never go away. Even so, we now know how to handle it.

Do we start to think about not going to our meetings anymore? Maybe we skip a couple out of disinterest or seeing whether it makes a difference. We may find that we are not as strong when we don’t go. Or, we may find that we stay strong without going. We may find that simply reading a meditation book or praying the serenity prayer is sufficient reminder to us not to slip back into codependent behavior.

We may be feeling codependent about leaving the group. Do we feel we have to come for the sake of helping other people’s recovery? Are we being codependent by feeling that way?

The whole reason we have come to the meeting was to heal. If we now feel healed, it is okay not to attend any longer. We are not responsible for someone else’s recovery. We are responsible for living our lives in the least codependent way possible, and for using the tools in our toolbox when we need them. We can move on to the next stage of our journey without feeling guilt, without feeling sadness, without feeling codependent.

We have reached a milestone. We can celebrate how far we’ve come. If we later feel the need to return to the meeting, we can. But for now at least, we give ourselves permission to go forward to live a rich, happy, fulfilling life, trusting ourselves to know what to do as each situation arrives. After all, that’s the whole reason we started attending in the first place.

Irene Watson, MA,  is author of The Sitting Swing: Finding Wisdom to Know the Difference, and co-editor of The Story that Must Be Told: True Tales of Transformation, and Authors Access: 30 Success Secrets for Authors and Publishers. She is a workshop leader, managing editor of Reader Views, and president of a non-profit Higher Power Foundation. Irene lives next to Barton Creek in Austin, TX, with her husband Robert.

Avoiding Codependency at Co-Dependents Anonymous

Once we realize we are codependent, one of the best resources for us is to attend a Co-Dependents Anonymous (CODA) meeting. Initially, joining such a group can be difficult because it means admitting we have a problem and it means other people will know. But it also means we are on the road to recovery, and the people we tell are people like us, suffering from the same dysfunction and wanting to change their lives.

Most importantly, the meeting is anonymous. That means "Who you see here, what is said here, when you leave here, let it stay here." Codependents Anonymous works effectively because of this emphasis on respecting each other’s privacy and not repeating who attends the meeting or what they said; we want the same dignity and respect in turn from the other members.

While these meetings are great sources for healing and fellowship, at the same time, we have to remember that we are dealing with other codependents when we go there. While we want to heal and encourage one another, we cannot take on someone else’s codependency as our problem, telling that person how to overcome his or her difficulties, or relying on another member at the meeting for the answers.

Sometimes people at the meeting might make us feel uncomfortable. We might be nervous about associating with them or opening up to them. It is fine to let people know you do not feel comfortable being in contact with them outside the meeting if they approach you. We do not have to feel required to be friends outside the meeting with anyone. We are not responsible for the other members’ well-being, although we may care about them, and they are not responsible for ours.

We should avoid forcing advice on a person, especially when the person does not ask for it, and we can listen to others, but we do not have to follow their advice. We can figure out for ourselves what is best for us while appreciating the diverse people and their experiences that we encounter at a Twelve-Step meeting.

Most Twelve-Step programs encourage having a sponsor, but each individual meeting functions in its own way, while following the basic guidelines. Some Co-Dependents Anonymous groups provide sponsors while others do not simply because it is easy for the members to slip into codependency with one another. Phone numbers may be exchanged, but people do not have to give out their phone numbers unless they feel comfortable doing so. You are never required to have a sponsor; nor do you have to accept if someone offers to be your sponsor.

In larger cities, people have the advantage of multiple meetings. In that case, a person might choose to attend two or more groups regularly, or attend a few meetings until the meeting is found where a person is most comfortable.

Twelve-Step meetings are a safe place to begin the journey to recovery, but everyone’s comfort level and definition of safety differs. Find the group and the people that make you feel the most comfortable. Find the meeting where you will be able to heal and recover, not prolong your codependency.

Irene Watson, MA,  is author of The Sitting Swing: Finding Wisdom to Know the Difference, and co-editor of The Story that Must Be Told: True Tales of Transformation, and Authors Access: 30 Success Secrets for Authors and Publishers. She is a workshop leader, managing editor of Reader Views, and president of a non-profit Higher Power Foundation. Irene lives next to Barton Creek in Austin, TX, with her husband Robert.

Take Time to Think About It

In our fast-paced world, people want immediate answers and instant gratification. We’ve forgotten how to be patient. We’ve become demanding. And we’ve become roped into believing we must satisfy people’s requests immediately. We must reply to our email immediately. We must have a solution to a problem immediately.

But we don’t have to do those things. We can learn to take time to think things through.

Have you ever written a letter or sent off an email you later regretted sending? Have you ever written a letter or email and then decided not to send it, only to find the next day your answer changed and you had a better answer?

Take time to think things through. Don’t let other people push you into doing something or making a decision about something until you are ready to do so. "I don’t know, but I’ll get back to you" is a perfectly acceptable answer. I recently wrote about being direct rather than using excuses. Don’t use "I have to think about it" or "I don’t know, but I’ll get back to you" as an excuse for being indirect when you already know the answer. But if you don’t know the answer, go ahead and take time to think about it.

Sometimes when we are invited to go somewhere, we hear our internal self shouting, "NO!" and we might immediately respond "No" to the person asking. But take a minute to think about it. Think about why your answer is "No."

Perhaps a friend asks you to go to a poetry reading with her. You both write poetry, but you never show your poetry to anyone. It’s an open mike reading where you’ll have the chance to read your poetry to an audience. "NO!" might be your first reaction, but why are you refusing? Because you’re afraid? It’s Monday and the reading isn’t until Thursday. Take time to think about it. On Tuesday, you might decide you’ll go just to support your friend. On Wednesday you might decide you’ll participate, but you’ll read a poem by another author. On Thursday, you decide if you can get up to the mike to read a poem, you might as well read one of your own. On Friday, you’re patting yourself on the back for the courage you showed and you were invited to come back next week because people loved your poem.

At other times, we might say "Yes" when it’s not a good idea. Again, take the time to think about it. If you don’t want to do something, but you feel obligated for some reason, you don’t have to say, "Yes." Tell the person you’re not sure what you’re doing on that date, but you will get back to him. Maybe you don’t have other plans, but you think about it and decide you don’t want to do what you were asked. It’s sufficient to say you have other plans and leave it at that. You have other plans with yourself to do something you’d rather do.

Sometimes we need a minute, a day, or a week to decide on something. Sometimes we need to figure out what we want to be true to ourselves. It’s okay to take time to think about it. You’ll make better decisions, and you’ll find life easier and more fulfilling.

Let Go and Experience the Magic

The Law of Attraction has received a lot of attention, and many people in recovery have found it useful because of how well it correlates with what they learn in recovery.

We are often taught about "Letting Go." The Law of Attraction refers to the same concept as "Allowing."

When we are upset about something, we tend to think negatively about it. We obsess and worry about it. We try to manipulate and control it, but no matter what we do, it doesn’t seem to help; if anything, it makes things worse.

Letting go brings us peace of mind. We learn to live without whatever we wanted. Letting go is equivalent to "allowing." We no longer are blocking what we want by worrying over it. Worrying only brings negative energy that pushes away what we want. By no longer focusing on what we want to happen, we allow it to happen. We can even help it along by envisioning it as already having happened.

For example, instead of saying, "I wish my son would quit drinking," we learn to let our son live his own life. Then we can envision him as sober, happy, and productive. The more we push our son by complaining about his drinking, the more he will rebel. When we let him be his own person, and we hold him in our hearts with love, envisioning his happiness, we have let go of our frustration and we allow healing to begin. We may be surprised by the results.

Watch your thoughts this week. When you feel upset or angry about something, stop yourself from saying phrases such as, "I wish" and "If only." Instead, whatever the situation, let go of it. Allow it to right itself.

If you love someone or something, set it free, and if it’s meant to be, it will come back to you. That’s how the Law of Attraction works. We allow and what we want is attracted to us. Let go and allow joy back into your life.

Irene Watson, MA,  is author of The Sitting Swing: Finding Wisdom to Know the Difference, and co-editor of The Story that Must Be Told: True Tales of Transformation, and Authors Access: 30 Success Secrets for Authors and Publishers. She is a workshop leader, managing editor of Reader Views, and president of a non-profit Higher Power Foundation. Irene lives next to Barton Creek in Austin, TX, with her husband Robert.

Overcoming Trauma

We all remember what happened eight years ago today. It’s one of those moments no one forgets. It’s not an easy moment to write about, to think about. It still causes many of us to grieve or to feel fear.

Whether it’s a terrorist attack, a car accident, sexual abuse, or a robbery, any form of trauma can have severe repercussions for us. Even if we only watched the World Trade Towers fall on television, the event can create post-traumatic stress syndrome in us. We can still feel unsafe, afraid, confused. Whether we experience trauma first or secondhand, either way is still traumatic.

The worst thing about trauma is the multitude of feelings we have, the confusion in knowing how to react. Like peeling back an onion, we find we have multiple layers to our reactions. One terrifying event brings back memories of others.

Studies have shown that when we react to something traumatic, only 20% of us is actually reacting to the event itself while 80% of us is fearing it will reflect a past event in our lives so our reaction may be the result of unresolved grief, anger, or fear from a previous experience. We may find that the death of a friend brings back unresolved grief over a grandparent’s death. Or perhaps the car accident we are in, even if it is only a minor dent to our vehicle, brings back fear from a serious injury we received in a car accident as a child.

The best thing to do when we experience trauma is to seek professional help. There are numerous types of therapies out there, and we may want to get advice or explore various possibilities to see what will help us. Possibilities include types of counseling, inner child therapy, traumatic incident reduction therapy and a host of others.

A traumatic incident isn’t always something as extreme as a terrorist attack. A frightening experience with a spider as a child might be a memory that masks other deeper fears, issues, or traumatic experiences. Post-traumatic stress syndrome is not limited to soldiers who serve in a war—it can result from being bullied at school, being in a stressful work environment, or being in an abusive relationship.

Whatever is causing you stress and traumatic feelings from your past can be cured or at least be resolved to the point where the pain is lessened, more bearable and manageable for you. If you have experienced a traumatic event, seek help today. Start by reading about what is available. Join a support group, or find a reliable counselor or therapist.

Bad things do happen. It’s part of life. But bad things do not have to control life. Take your life back. Find healing and live again.

Learn to be Direct

Too many times, codependent people tend to be manipulative. It’s a survival skill we learned to get what we want from someone without asking directly for it from fear of the other person’s anger. But while that manipulative behavior may have served us with a certain person or situation, it can also make other people dislike and avoid us.

When we need something, it is always best to be direct. If we don’t want to do something, we say so. If we want something, we directly ask for it.

For example, a mother may say to her adult son, "I don’t know why your brother can never come over to help me with the yard work." What she is looking for is her other son to offer to come over and help with the yard. The son may feel guilty and manipulated into doing so, or he may be so tired of his mother’s manipulative game that he will not offer to help. The mother would do better simply to ask, "Will you come over and help me with the yard work?" If the son has learned to be direct, he’ll say, "Yes" or "No." Indirectly, he might make an excuse such as his kids have a soccer game or he made plans with his wife. He probably learned such excuses from being around his mother as his own defensive behaviors, but if a parent is direct, the children will learn to be direct as well.

We can save ourselves a lot of trouble by being direct up front. Another good example is being afraid to say what needs to be said. For example, if a girl is interested in a boy and they share an interest in photography, she might suggest he come over to her house some time to see her pictures. Only, she’s not interested in showing him her pictures. She’s interested in getting him into bed. She would be more successful if she directly asked if he wanted to go out on a date. If he came over to her house and she tried to seduce him and he wasn’t interested, both are going to end up more hurt than if she were direct in the first place. Similarly, if he knows from the start he’s not interested in a relationship with her, he should not agree to visit her. Nor should he make excuses about why he can’t come. Without trying to hurt her feelings, he can simply say he’s not interested in seeing her photographs. It might sound mean, but better sound a little mean up front than go down a slippery slope that makes both uncomfortable.

A pet peeve of mine is when people ask me, "What are you doing tonight?" It’s a way to manipulate you into doing something when you reply, "I don’t know" or "Nothing." Don’t ask people this question. Simply ask, "Can you come over tonight to help me replace the boards on my porch?" or "Would you like to go to the movie with me?" If you get asked the question, reply, "Why are you asking?" Don’t allow people to manipulate you or catch you off guard. If they ask you something and you don’t know the answer, feel free to say, "I don’t know. I’ll get back to you." "I don’t know" is an acceptable answer if you really don’t know, but don’t use it as a way to avoid giving a direct answer.

Watch what you say this week. Catch yourself if you’re not being direct. It takes practice, but life will be easier when you learn to be direct in both asking and replying.

Irene Watson, MA,  is author of The Sitting Swing: Finding Wisdom to Know the Difference, and co-editor of The Story that Must Be Told: True Tales of Transformation, and Authors Access: 30 Success Secrets for Authors and Publishers. She is a workshop leader, managing editor of Reader Views, and president of a non-profit Higher Power Foundation. Irene lives next to Barton Creek in Austin, TX, with her husband Robert.

Take a Rest

It’s Labor Day. So take a rest today from labor. Take a rest from work, from worry, from anything that causes you stress.

Too often we fill our free time so that it isn’t free anymore. We have family commitments, floors to sweep, bathrooms to clean, groups we belong to, lawns to mow, repairs to make. We tell ourselves we are going to enjoy our weekend, but before we know it, the weekend is over.

It’s Monday today and the weekend is over. It should be a workday, but that’s what Labor Day is all about—a day to rest from work. It’s a free day that doesn’t have to count as a weekday or weekend. Relish it.

Put your feet up. Drink that extra cup of coffee while you read the morning paper. If you like to garden, go ahead and enjoy yourself, but if it feels like work to you, find something fun to do instead. Read a good book. Watch a good movie. Spend time with family if you want to spend time with them. Eat a snack. Listen to your favorite music.

Enjoy nature. It’s the last real day of summer, so go lie on the beach. Go for a swim. Have a picnic. Walk through the woods. Reconnect with the natural world around you. Sit quietly. Close your eyes and really listen—listen to the leaves blowing in the breeze, the sound of bumblebees, the lapping of waves on the shore, the quiet sound of squirrels scurrying in the woods. Lie on your back and watch the clouds go by as they change their shapes.

Feel your connection with the earth, with the universe. The earth is our mother. Let it nurture you today.

Once you feel refreshed, nurture those around you. Give your spouse a backrub. Make the kids their favorite dinner. Play with the dog.

Go back and lie in the grass as it gets dark. Watch the sunset and then the stars come out. Don’t forget to wish on the first star you see. Take a bubble bath before going to bed.

Place your head on your pillow and fall asleep counting your blessings.

Today, the only work you have to do is to remember how to work at not working. Today, it is enough just to be. I give you permission to take the day off.

Irene Watson, MA,  is author of The Sitting Swing: Finding Wisdom to Know the Difference, and co-editor of The Story that Must Be Told: True Tales of Transformation, and Authors Access: 30 Success Secrets for Authors and Publishers. She is a workshop leader, managing editor of Reader Views, and president of a non-profit Higher Power Foundation. Irene lives next to Barton Creek in Austin, TX, with her husband Robert.

Rewiring the Brain to Rewrite the Script

In my last post, I talked about learning something new as a way to keep our brains active.

Sometimes our brains are active, but they have pathways in them that only lead to negative thoughts. In my last post, I used the metaphor of new information becoming houses on blocks with roads in our brain connecting all that information, but sometimes, old information that no longer helps us is like a decrepit house that mars the beauty of the neighborhood. Sometimes we have to condemn that house and tear it down.

Think about what are often called "shadow beliefs" or simply negative thoughts. For example, "If I wear this dress, people will laugh at me" or "Women over forty look ridiculous if they go out jogging." Those might be beliefs we hold, but they are beliefs that do not serve us. They are houses that need to be destroyed. The best thing to do is to wear the dress and go out jogging (probably not in the dress). Even if you fear people are thinking you look ridiculous or they are staring at you—99% of the time it’s just in your head—so keep doing it anyway. Soon you will have destroyed the old house and built a new self-confident one in its place.

At times, we find ourselves caught up in cycles of thought we know are not good for us but that we can’t seem to break. However, like Pavlov’s dog—which was taught to salivate by having a bell ring when he was fed, so that he soon associated food with a bell until he salivated at the sound of a bell, whether or not there was food—we can trick ourselves into different thoughts.

For example, let’s say you have a very stressful day at work. When the day is over, you bring that stress home with you—you replay events from work over and over in your mind all evening until your personal time is being sabotaged by your job.

What you can do in this situation is find a way to pivot your thoughts to something positive, something to change your mindset. As soon as you find yourself thinking about the bad experience, pivot to a happy thought—perhaps you want to go to your happy place—for example, find a happy memory—your honeymoon in Hawaii, the fishing trip with your grandpa when you were a kid—whatever makes you feel joyful, hopeful, safe. Use that as the place you tell your thoughts to go whenever the negative work situation comes into your mind.

Other good examples of ways to pivot your thoughts are to find inspirational quotes or poems. Memorize a really good poem and recite it out loud when the negativity comes. A wonderful one is Longfellow’s "A Psalm of Life." Or find something soothing such as the 23^{rd Psalm. As I suggested in my last post, music can also help to pivot our thoughts.}

^{The point here is to rewire your brain, removing the faulty wire with a better one. You may still have negative thoughts or down moments, but you will catch yourself sooner before you get bogged down in them, and then you can pivot your thoughts so that a bad day or a depressing evening can be replaced with a minor detour down the wrong path before you realize you need to change direction, thus putting you back in the driver’s seat of your mood and thoughts.}

Irene Watson, MA,  is author of

The Sitting Swing: Finding Wisdom to Know the Difference, and co-editor of The Story that Must Be Told: True Tales of Transformation, and Authors Access: 30 Success Secrets for Authors and Publishers. She is a workshop leader, managing editor of Reader Views, and president of a non-profit Higher Power Foundation. Irene lives next to Barton Creek in Austin, TX, with her husband Robert.

Learn Something New

The secret to staying young is staying active and engaged in life. Often, recovery means getting out of the rut, the slump we’ve fallen into. We find ourselves bored and then we become depressed, sluggish and unwilling to do much of anything. We allow ourselves to start wearing blinders and we may begin to feel trapped, even hopeless.

When you feel life is starting to box you in, don’t give in. Step outside of the box. Think outside of the box. Find something to do that you’ve never done before. The results can be tremendously advantageous.

First of all, you’ll have fun. All humans need fun in their lives. It keeps our spirits alive. Whether you decide to take a painting class, ride a bike, drive for the first time, hang glide, or go to a Bible study, you can have fun with new activities, meet new people, and get new ideas from others. When you start engaging in whatever new activity you choose, make sure you meet people.

Yes, you can choose a solitary activity—stamp collecting for example—where you spend hours alone organizing your stamp book. But you need to buy the stamps somewhere—you can order them online or go to a local hobby shop. Take the time to go to the hobby shop. Meet the owners or other stamp collectors. Join a stamp collecting organization. Other people and their ideas and knowledge will encourage and spur your interests. And if you get involved in the arts, whether it’s dancing, publishing, writing, music, acting—you are bound to meet many talented and inspiring people to help you broaden your horizons.

Besides having fun, you are keeping your brain active. Our brains are like giant websites with thousands of links, with neurological pathways that extend from one piece of knowledge to another. Think of those pathways as highways you drive your car down. When you learn something new, you establish a little house in your brain for it, but that house is on a block with other similar information. For example, if you read a novel by Dickens, your knowledge of that novel is like a house. Dickens’ other novels you read are other houses on that block. In that subdivision might be other nineteenth century British novelists like Jane Austen’s block and the Bronte sisters’ block. You might have a whole city about literature, but it has a road that leads to the cities of history, politics, art, and science—your brain keeps pathways open connecting all these cities so they influence one another.

The best thing to stay young is to keep those cities in your brain being built. Keep those highways fully operable. Learn new things and build a highway to them from the old information.

So today, go out and learn something new, participate in a new activity, have a conversation with a stranger about something you don’t know. You’ll soon find yourself out of your slump—you’ll find the narrow-minded walls enclosing your brain’s city will tumble down as your city finds new cities to communicate with and your brain becomes a global encyclopedia. Best of all, your mind will stay active and your newfound interest will keep you young as well.

Irene Watson, MA,  is author of The Sitting Swing: Finding Wisdom to Know the Difference, and co-editor of The Story that Must Be Told: True Tales of Transformation, and Authors Access: 30 Success Secrets for Authors and Publishers. She is a workshop leader, managing editor of Reader Views, and president of a non-profit Higher Power Foundation. Irene lives next to Barton Creek in Austin, TX, with her husband Robert.

Accepting Sex for Love

A codependency characteristic often sighted is that people accept sex when what they really want is love.

When we are in a relationship with someone, we want to be loved; we want to feel we are appreciated for ourselves and not for what we give the other person. Sometimes, however, we are so starved for attention that we "jump the gun" in the relationship. Sadly, too many of us are ready to jump into bed with someone in the hopes that it will make the person like us, often before we really know the person.

Sex does not equal Love. Let me say that again because the lines between the two are so often blurred. Sex does not equal Love. Or, to put it another way, because you love someone does not mean you have to have sex with him or her. Because someone says he or she loves you does not mean you have to have sex with that person.

Is sex what we really want? Okay, admittedly, most of us do want sex. It’s enjoyable. But do we really want sex just for sex itself? Most of us really want to be loved. We want to feel that someone else thinks we are special. We want a relationship that will be lasting and meaningful. Yes, there are some people who seem only to want sex, but these people most likely have their own insecurities. Those insecurities are not our problems. We should not feel we have to have sex with someone to make him or her feel better. We don’t let someone "guilt" us into having sex.

If we want to have sex with someone, we are free to do so. Our bodies belong to us and we are allowed to use them as we please, not as another person, religion, or political group believes we should. But before we decide what to do with our body, we need to look at our motives and the other person’s motives.

Are we agreeing to accept sex from someone who is unavailable to love us? Are we choosing to believe a lie when someone says he or she loves us just so we will have sex with that person?

A healthy sexuality is part of the joy of human existence. But we should never settle for less than what we deserve. We all deserve to be loved, treasured, cherished, and nurtured. We do not deserve to be used; nor do we deserve to mistreat ourselves by our using someone else.

Today, think about your sexual experiences. Decide which ones have been healthy and which, if any, have not been healthy. Honor yourself. Do not accept sex when what you really want is love.

Irene Watson, MA,  is author of The Sitting Swing: Finding Wisdom to Know the Difference, and co-editor of The Story that Must Be Told: True Tales of Transformation, and Authors Access: 30 Success Secrets for Authors and Publishers. She is a workshop leader, managing editor of Reader Views, and president of a non-profit Higher Power Foundation. Irene lives next to Barton Creek in Austin, TX, with her husband Robert.

Maintaining Boundaries in the Workplace

A common problem in the workplace is a lack of boundaries between coworkers and between employees and bosses.

People get to know their coworkers and soon friendships are developed, but friendships can be a difficult situation at work. That doesn’t mean we shouldn’t become friends with each other, but we need to set some boundaries so we do not let our jobs jeopardize our friendships or vice-versa.

You might think the person next to you is your best friend at work, but that person might be ready to turn on you in a second if her job is on the line. Choose whom you are familiar with at work very carefully. Do not consider your coworkers as your friends until you have known them long enough and been able to observe how they treat each other.

Coworkers should refrain from telling each other anything they don’t want the entire office to know. It’s fine to be friendly with each other, but keep your personal life outside of the office. That includes minimizing personal phone calls as much as possible—you don’t want everyone to know you and your husband are fighting or that your child is in trouble at school.

Remember also that your coworkers know people outside the office. If you tell your co-worker about your marital problems, she might tell her husband who will tell his friend who works with your husband. You don’t want things you said getting back to your spouse or spreading around town in that manner. Workplaces should be manned by mature adults, but too often they become like high schools where people have cliques and they talk behind each other’s back. Look out for your best interests by maintaining your privacy, and respect your coworkers by not gossiping.

The boss especially needs to be careful in the workplace because he or she wants to retain the employees’ respect and make sure the work gets done. At the same time, a balance must be found where the boss is encouraging and supportive of the employees without letting them walk all over him or her.

Work parties are a place where boundary lines can easily get blurred. Yes, it may be a party, but that doesn’t mean it’s "Anything goes!" Do not get drunk at a work party; don’t do anything that might make people think less of you at work. It’s easy to get pushed into going overboard by your co-workers who want you to drink shots with them, but politely refrain. Protect your image and your career by using common sense.

If you’re the boss, it’s advisable to come to the party late and leave early—that way you put in your face time and the employees believe you care, but it also allows them a chance to unwind together without the boss hovering over them.

Overall, use common sense in the workplace. Do your best to maintain your professional image and leave your personal life at home. Be friendly and kind to everyone, but avoid being intimate with people until you are certain you can trust them. Work can be a fulfilling experience so long as we maintain respectable boundaries with one another.

Irene Watson, MA,  is author of The Sitting Swing: Finding Wisdom to Know the Difference, and co-editor of The Story that Must Be Told: True Tales of Transformation, and Authors Access: 30 Success Secrets for Authors and Publishers. She is a workshop leader, managing editor of Reader Views, and president of a non-profit Higher Power Foundation. Irene lives next to Barton Creek in Austin, TX, with her husband Robert.

Creative Expression Fuels Recovery

When we’ve been so busy, either being addicted to a substance or a person, we tend to lose sight of who we are, of our own dreams and goals, our likes and dislikes.

A great way to get back on track is to do something creative. It can help us to see things from a new perspective, find newfound talents within ourselves, and be a therapeutic step toward healing.

A simple way to begin to express yourself creatively is to tell your story. Tell your past story if need be so you can get your own grip on it. Figure it out for yourself. Many of the greatest authors have used their personal experiences as the basis for great literature and found it therapeutic in the process. At the same time, tell the story for yourself, not for anyone else. You don’t have to become Hemingway to benefit from and enjoy the process of storytelling. If telling your old story is too painful, tell the story of your future, envision what you want for yourself, put it down into words so your subconscious knows what your goal is.

When we talk about "telling" a story, we think of writing it or speaking it. Oral narratives are definitely an art form in themselves and the oldest way of storytelling. But the spoken or written word is not the only way to tell a story. Any of the other creative art forms will work equally well.

A very therapeutic creative form that allows for protected self-expression is acting. You can play the role of a fictional character whose story you feel resembles your own, and in the process, experience that character’s emotions and use them to help you process your own feelings.

Dance is a fantastic way to expend excess energy whether it is anger, frustration, or joy. Take a dance class—any kind will work such as ballet, jazz, square dancing, folk or tap. Find a friend and go ballroom dancing—the friendship and shared creativity can be healing. Or if you are shy about your dancing abilities, dance at home. Just turn off all the lights and let you and the music be alone together. Put on your favorite song and dance around the living room, burning off energy and relaxing your body.

Painting and drawing are excellent means of self-expression. You can paint or draw pictures of situations you’ve been in and find healing in the process, or you can focus on painting a calm country scene, a landscape, whatever makes you feel peaceful.

If anything soothes the savage soul, it is music. Write your own song lyrics, play an instrument, or join your local choir.

Whatever you do, express yourself. The world needs your individuality, your ideas and thoughts, the magic that is you that only you can express. No one is more qualified than you to tell your story—if you don’t tell it, no one will; if you don’t use your imagination to show others the possibilities in the world, a rich gift will be lost, and through the process, you will find healing.

Irene Watson, MA,  is author of The Sitting Swing: Finding Wisdom to Know the Difference, and co-editor of The Story that Must Be Told: True Tales of Transformation, and Authors Access: 30 Success Secrets for Authors and Publishers. She is a workshop leader, managing editor of Reader Views, and president of a non-profit Higher Power Foundation. Irene lives next to Barton Creek in Austin, TX, with her husband Robert.

Ten Tips to Relax and Heal

Today we constantly hear about diseases and pills we can take to cure our aches and pains. We stress over having health insurance and being able to afford healthcare. We worry about the future and whether we’ll be able to take care of ourselves.

But if anything is really bad for our bodies, it’s stress. The constant hectic pace, the pressures and expectations placed upon us, especially those we take on unwillingly, all add to our stress which weakens our immune systems and causes our bodies to function at less than optimum level. Ultimately, disease and physical breakdowns can happen if we don’t take the most basic of preventive measures—learning to relax.

Nothing is more important than to take care of our health. Without our health, we will have nothing and be unable to achieve all the other tasks before us. Carving out "me time" and nurturing our bodies is essential for our good health, positive mindset, and general well-being.

Here are just a few tips to help you relax. You should easily be able to find time to do at least a few of these.

1. When you feel overwhelmed, stop and breathe. A few deep breaths, inhaling through your nose and exhaling through your mouth, will send oxygen to the brain and release tension.

2. Go for a walk. Even if it’s just walking from your desk to the bathroom, a short walk helps to restore energy.

3. Leave the office at lunchtime. Don’t take a working lunch and don’t eat in the break room. Even if you only eat in your car, you allow your body to relax by being away from workplace stimulants for a few minutes.

4. Listen to music. Few things soothe the soul more than music. If stressed, find relaxing music—nature sounds, light jazz, easy listening. If worried or afraid, positive songs about achieving the impossible such as "To Dream the Impossible Dream" or "Climb Every Mountain" will bolster your spirits and encourage you in your task.

5. Take time to be quiet. Just a few minutes to sit and meditate, even just to stare out the window or listen to the silence, can have a healing effect.

6. Clear your mind. Try to sit quietly and think of nothing. Focusing on your breathing will help to clear your mind and put things in perspective.

7. Experience healthy touch. If you have a partner, give each other backrubs. Go to a massage therapist. Or simply be generous with hugging people.

8. Get exercise. A brisk walk clears the brain, increases endorphins and a general sense of feeling good. More vigorous exercise such as running, bicycling, or lifting weights will help you feel stronger, healthier, and more positive about your ability to accomplish difficult tasks.

9. Eat nutritious foods. This may seem difficult, but start small. Have a piece of fruit for breakfast. Replace a candy bar in the afternoon with an apple. Your body will start to feel better and you’ll feel inspired to do more to improve your diet.

10. Make a date with yourself. Schedule in time for yourself to do whatever you enjoy doing—watching a movie, reading a book, going for a walk. Pay yourself first with time—keep a standing appointment with yourself to do what makes you feel good.

Remember that your health is your most precious gift. Relax and take time to heal.

Irene Watson, MA,  is author of The Sitting Swing: Finding Wisdom to Know the Difference, and co-editor of The Story that Must Be Told: True Tales of Transformation, and Authors Access: 30 Success Secrets for Authors and Publishers. She is a workshop leader, managing editor of Reader Views, and president of a non-profit Higher Power Foundation. Irene lives next to Barton Creek in Austin, TX, with her husband Robert.

Friendship: The Importance of Keeping in Touch

Humans are social creatures. But we live in a modern world that constantly demands our attention, acting as if every request, every event is urgent. Unfortunately, too often we put work, groups, and events before our relationships. The results can be stress and loneliness. Even if we are successful in life, career-wise or financially, in the end, it is lonely at the top.

So many times, we let relationships fade. We put off calling a friend or going to visit him or her. Soon we forget the friend, or we try to reconnect, only to find he has moved and we no longer know how to connect with him.

We may feel we need to be doing something productive, while spending time with a friend by watching a movie, having a cup of coffee, or going for a walk may not seem like it will move us toward our goals and dreams. Yet, what is more important than a relationship, than that sense of peace and comfort we find with a friend? We might not talk about anything important—we might not even speak to each other when we’re together, but we find peace and comfort; we find relaxation in a trusted friend’s presence. We find love, support, and encouragement.

It can take a lot of energy to build a friendship. It takes little energy to lose a friend. Investing time and love in a friendship or any relationship is the most valuable investment we will ever make.

Sometimes we get grandiose ideas of what is required for a friendship. If our friend lives across the country, we feel we must make a trip that costs time and money and we must plan events and see the sites while there. We may feel overwhelmed by such a trip or that too much is expected of us from it. But in this age of technology, while a visit is always a strong way to solidify a relationship, five minutes sending an email or commenting on someone’s Facebook page a couple of times a week will do far more than a week long visit once every few years to keep that friendship alive.

The important thing is to keep in touch with the people who matter to us. Today, reach out to the friends you haven’t spoken to in a while. Track them down on the Internet or mail a letter. Reconnect and strengthen the ties that bind. Nothing in your life will be more fulfilling. Long after the work is finished, the goals achieved and no longer important, the relationships will still be strong and nurturing.

Irene Watson, MA,  is author of The Sitting Swing: Finding Wisdom to Know the Difference, and co-editor of The Story that Must Be Told: True Tales of Transformation, and Authors Access: 30 Success Secrets for Authors and Publishers. She is a workshop leader, managing editor of Reader Views, and president of a non-profit Higher Power Foundation. Irene lives next to Barton Creek in Austin, TX, with her husband Robert.