Irene Watson - Rewriting Life Scripts

You Talk Too Much

We all know one of these people. Someone you can’t have a conversation with because you can’t get a word in. I once knew a girl who never finished a sentence. If she finished one subject, she would say “and…” until she thought of something else to say—she didn’t want me to respond to anything—she wanted to keep talking from fear I would say, “I have to go” and then she’d be left with silence. It’s funny that she even needed someone to talk to since she could have just talked to the wall, and it would have had about the same effect, but truthfully, she needed attention; she at least needed someone to listen to her.

 

The longer we are in recovery, the more we learn about how codependency plays itself out in different ways with different people. Talking too much is a form of codependency, or more specifically, a form of control. People who talk non-stop are trying to control the conversation—perhaps because they are afraid of your responses, perhaps because they are afraid of silence—perhaps they don’t even care about the conversation; they are just lonely and want to keep you listening—we see this especially with older people who will use talking too much as a way to keep someone around. It’s really a form of manipulation.

 

We can love these people. We can feel sympathy for them, but we also can take back control of our time from them. Out of kindness, we can call them or visit them when it’s convenient for us. If they call us at a bad time, we can let the answering machine get it, or we can say, “I only have ten minutes right now. Will that work, or I can call you back later?” We can schedule them into our lives when it’s convenient for us, not when it’s convenient for them.

 

Admittedly, it is harder with elderly people. We may have a duty to a parent, or feel we have one to a grandparent, aunt, or uncle. In such cases, we can try to be active in the conversation. Rather than just letting them talk and saying “Uh huh” we can plan a conversation with them ahead of time—we can think of things we would like to talk to them about and visualize how the conversation will go. This preparation will make us more in the mindset for the conversation, and it will make us more present during the talk. It will make the talkative person feel we are listening to them, that we are interested in what they have to say. They might even start listening to us.

 

There but for the grace of God go I. We are in recovery just like the talkers. Our codependency may have manifested itself in different ways, but we can still sympathize with these people. We try to find balance, while remembering out boundaries, and we hope the other person will meet us part way.

 

Irene Watson, MA,  is author of The Sitting Swing: Finding Wisdom to Know the Difference, and co-editor of The Story that Must Be Told: True Tales of Transformation, and Authors Access: 30 Success Secrets for Authors and Publishers. She is a workshop leader, managing editor of Reader Views, and president of a non-profit Higher Power Foundation. Irene lives next to Barton Creek in Austin, TX, with her husband Robert.

Dealing with Controlling Know-It-Alls

Dysfunction can come in many forms. Sometimes it comes in the form of someone who knows it all. Such people may not even realize they know it all, but they apparently do since they are always ready to tell us how to do something or to do it better.

 

A kind suggestion now and then is appropriate, but when people tell us what color to paint our kitchens, why we need to buy a bookshelf, which school we should send our children to, how to vote, and how to trim our rosebushes, they obviously have a problem. They are control freaks, and if we’ve learned anything in recovery, it’s that controlling is a form of codependency.

 

Control freaks and know-it-alls deserve a little sympathy. That doesn’t mean we do what they want. That doesn’t mean we let them take over, but as people in recovery ourselves, we can realize they probably have low self-esteem issues or suffer from feeling their opinions are not of value. They are looking for gratitude and praise for sharing their ideas and making a difference in our lives. If they give us a good idea, we can thank them. If we implement the idea and it works, we can let them know it made a difference—after all, there’s nothing wrong with letting other people feel good about themselves.

 

Sometimes, however, we don’t care for their suggestions, and we can say “Thanks, but no thanks.” If they become insistent, we need to set a boundary with them. If we tell someone, “I don’t want to shop at Dick’s Family Foods even if the prices are lower because I like shopping at the FastMart” and the other person keeps telling us about the great prices at Dick’s Family Foods and tries to push the store’s coupons on us, then we can politely but firmly tell them to drop the subject. If we need to, we can also ask them why it matters so much to them and ask them why they feel the need to control us. Hopefully, it won’t come to that, but we don’t have to put up with people badgering us to do what we don’t want to do.

 

If we need to, we make it clear we do not want the person in our life. Such people may start out acting helpful but pretty quickly it can become clear that they live by the rule “It’s my way or the highway.” If that’s the case, wish them a nice journey and take the highway—you’ll get where you want to go faster without them. Even if they “know-it-all” that does not mean they know what is best for you, and even if they did, being controlled by someone else is never best for us. We are adults who can make our own decisions. We got this far in life without such people’s help and we will continue to do so.

 

We can part without anger—we can keep them in our prayers hoping someday they will know the one thing they still haven’t come to realize.

 

Irene Watson, MA,  is author of The Sitting Swing: Finding Wisdom to Know the Difference, and co-editor of The Story that Must Be Told: True Tales of Transformation, and Authors Access: 30 Success Secrets for Authors and Publishers. She is a workshop leader, managing editor of Reader Views, and president of a non-profit Higher Power Foundation. Irene lives next to Barton Creek in Austin, TX, with her husband Robert.

Online Support Groups

When we start recovery, it’s common to go to a counselor or therapist or to attend a support group such as a Twelve-Step meeting, but another wonderful way to find support from other people is online. Numerous support groups exist as email listservs or online forums through Yahoo, and through Twelve Step group websites. These groups can be especially helpful for people who live in small towns where support groups may not exist as well as for people who feel resistance or may hesitate to attend a group in their community. A simple Google search can bring up many support groups, and the Yahoo directories list several groups at http://groups.yahoo.com/

 

Online groups do differ from Twelve-Step groups where we meet in person. While Twelve-Step groups do not allow crosstalk, online groups are there to ask questions, share experiences, and get feedback from others. While you do not have to reveal anything you do not want to, people will see your email address, but at Yahoo you can create a new email address to be whatever you want to protect your anonymity.

 

Confidentiality is as important in online groups as groups that meet in person. Many of these groups require that before you join, you send an email to the group moderator explaining why you want to join the group. This prerequisite is to make sure only people who legitimately want to belong and are sincere will be added to the list, and to protect the privacy of the group. You will usually have to agree to the terms of the group, particularly being confidential. You agree not to repeat what the group shares either verbally or by forwarding emails. The moderator will have to approve your membership, and the moderator also has the right to remove people from the group if they become belligerent toward other members or are in violation of the terms of agreement.

 

Time is also a difference with online groups. People can post messages at anytime day and night, and the members can then read them at their convenience or not read them as they choose. Informative subject lines help people weed out what they do and do not want to read. The result is that conversations on one topic can continue twenty-four hours a day and continue for days rather than be limited to a one hour live meeting. You can also go back and reread what was said so you can better remember it.

 

Online etiquette is important in online groups. Because people respond to each other, we need to remember to be polite to one another. We also need to remember that the written word can be interpreted differently than speech, meaning we cannot hear the person’s tone of voice or read his or her body language. We do not write in capital letters because this is considered equivalent to yelling at someone.

 

Community is just as important in an online group as a group that meets in your town, but you will have a wider chance to meet people from other cities and even countries that can often help to widen your perspective. You also don’t usually need to worry about bumping into these people around your hometown. You might make new friends, but just as at a Twelve-Step group, you do not have to exchange phone numbers with people unless you want to; you do not have to agree to be contacted outside the group by email or any other form.

 

Whether you are nervous, have time constraints, or just prefer talking online, joining an online support group can be a rich and rewarding form of recovery. Take the chance to begin your online recovery journey today!

 

Irene Watson, MA,  is author of The Sitting Swing: Finding Wisdom to Know the Difference, and co-editor of The Story that Must Be Told: True Tales of Transformation, and Authors Access: 30 Success Secrets for Authors and Publishers. She is a workshop leader, managing editor of Reader Views, and president of a non-profit Higher Power Foundation. Irene lives next to Barton Creek in Austin, TX, with her husband Robert.

Overcoming Labels of Fear

Marie Curie once said, “Nothing in life is to be feared. It is only to be understood.”

 

As recovering codependents, alcoholics, or drug addicts, we know about fear, and we know that when people fear us, they reject us. Our clingy behavior made people label us as “needy” and it frightened them away. Our rage that came out when we drank made people label us as angry drunks, and we lost all our friends.

 

We know how labels and rejection can hurt, especially at the times when we most need love and understanding, yet how often do we label people just because we do not understand them? What we don’t understand can be frightening, but learning about it can also be enlightening and make our fear disappear.

 

Today, many things that people feared in past generations make us laugh or shake our heads at the absurdity, even the racism or prejudice that resulted simply from fear of someone who was different.

 

When Michelangelo carved his statue of Moses, he gave Moses horns because he believed Jews had horns and tails, being akin to Satan. Such racist ideas culminated in the Holocaust of World War II; today we realize how wrong it was to allow fear to lead to hate and murder. For centuries, discrimination against Africans was justified by a belief they were descended from Ham, the son whom Noah cursed, and consequently they were lesser people and deserved to be enslaved. A Civil War and a Civil Rights movement were needed before this kind of thinking was no longer acceptable. Even in the last century, alcoholism was considered as a sign of moral depravity until groups like Alcoholics Anonymous helped people to understand it was a disease so sympathy and knowledge could create healing for thousands of people.

 

Still today, we allow fear to stop us from loving people and treating them with respect. Just the other day, I read a letter to the editor in the newspaper that said because gay men were allowed to become priests, children had been sexually abused. This writer equated being gay with being a pedophile. That’s the kind of slippery slope thinking that labels people resulting in racism and discrimination. It’s just as untrue as assuming all blondes are dumb. Similarly, after September 11^th, every Muslim became a terrorist suspect. We can’t stereotype or label people or make sweeping generalizations. Instead, we need to learn to understand and respect them as individuals.

 

Do you not like that kid with the skateboard because you assume he’s a punk? Do you automatically think that girl with the nose ring at the grocery store checkout must be a slut? Why do we jump to these conclusions? It’s mostly out of fear. Sometimes, it’s so we will feel better about ourselves by putting other people down, so we don’t have to look at the pain and dysfunction within ourselves because to do so is too frightening.

 

If we live in fear, we will see the world through narrow glasses. If we are open to loving people for whom they are and accepting them, we’ll find the world a better place, and we’ll attract people willing to accept us. Instead of fearing the gay neighbor, we can talk to him about gardening when we see him working in his yard. Instead of fearing the Muslim woman, we can talk to her about her religious beliefs without being judgmental. We can take an extra minute to talk to the checkout girl with the nose ring—we might be surprised to find out she’s a loving mother and wife. And what about the skateboard punk? We might find him holding open the door for us as we go out of the grocery store.

 

When we make an effort to understand other people, we can build relationships, we will feel better about ourselves, and everyone will benefit. We will find we have more in common than we have to disagree about; after all, we are all human with the same basic needs to be loved and understood.

 

Irene Watson, MA,  is author of The Sitting Swing: Finding Wisdom to Know the Difference, and co-editor of The Story that Must Be Told: True Tales of Transformation, and Authors Access: 30 Success Secrets for Authors and Publishers. She is a workshop leader, managing editor of Reader Views, and president of a non-profit Higher Power Foundation. Irene lives next to Barton Creek in Austin, TX, with her husband Robert.

 

Secrets - The Skeletons in Our Closets

In my last post, I talked about researching the codependency, addictions, and dysfunction in our family trees. I also warned that sometimes our older relatives will not want to share information with us.

 

Every family has its secrets, its skeletons in the closet. People even just a generation or two back were much more secretive and private than today. An unmarried mother was a disgrace to her family. An alcoholic wasn’t talked about. Morals were different in those days. People hid more often behind shame and fear rather than trying to understand dysfunction and work through it.

 

While we might choose to think people did a better job of behaving themselves back then, more likely, they were just better at keeping secrets, and those secrets often broke up homes, led to unwanted children being given away to protect the family, led to more domestic and child abuse because no one would talk about it, and if people knew, they wouldn’t rat on their neighbors.

 

Today, we still keep secrets. Sometimes we have our own secrets, things we are too ashamed to tell other people. It is okay to keep secrets so we can protect ourselves, but it also helps to find someone we can trust to talk to. Secrets often destroy us inside. We make them out to be worse than they are until we find ourselves living our lives in fear, denying who we are from fear someone will find out about the one awful thing we did, or perhaps simply something about us that isn’t even that awful, but we are afraid people will disapprove of it and we will be rejected. Finding a counselor, an anonymous group where secrecy is respected, or a trusted friend is a good place to start to let go of the shame, to refuse to let a secret control our life.

 

Often we are raised in families with secrets. We may have a parent who continually tells us, “Don’t tell anyone…about your father’s drinking problem, about your brother’s cocaine addiction, that your mother has been cheating on me.” If we are children, it is inappropriate for parents to expect us to keep their secrets, but we may be burdened with them anyway, allowing them to make us grow up in fear. If we are adults, we can do better. We can be open and honest rather than creating families where secrets are allowed to prolong and feed shame. We can also help loved ones find a path to a better life beyond the shadows and closed doors where secrets force us to hide. While we can’t make anyone else do anything, we can let loved ones know that we still love them despite their secrets, that we accept them for who they are, and if appropriate, we can direct them to counseling, to a Twelve-Step group, or to literature to help them come to terms with whatever secrets they are keeping.

 

Secrets eventually can become our friends. Once we let go of the shame, we can step into the light and when light is cast on a secret, we often find that what we feared about the secret being known did not happen, that revealing the secret was not as scary as we expected. The secret led to our growth, to our opening the locked door and stepping forward into fresh air and a new day.

 

Irene Watson, MA,  is author of The Sitting Swing: Finding Wisdom to Know the Difference, and co-editor of The Story that Must Be Told: True Tales of Transformation, and Authors Access: 30 Success Secrets for Authors and Publishers. She is a workshop leader, managing editor of Reader Views, and president of a non-profit Higher Power Foundation. Irene lives next to Barton Creek in Austin, TX, with her husband Robert.

Recovery and Your Family Tree

What does genealogy and family history have to do with recovery? Everything. Our family tree has the roots of our codependency, alcoholism, or addictions in it. Just as we get our genes from our ancestors, we get our dysfunctional behaviors, either inherited or through their influence. In recovery, it is helpful to understand where the dysfunctional behavior comes from in ourselves and in our immediate family members—parents, siblings, children. We need to understand the people who shaped us and the people who shaped them. Often, we find researching our family tree will fill us with healing, love, and understanding for our family.

 

I recommend you try to trace at least five generations of your family, starting with yourself and your siblings and then your parents, grandparents, and your grandparents’ parents and grandparents. Most of us knew our grandparents and they played significant roles in our lives. Similarly, who our grandparents were was shaped by their parents and grandparents so to understand our grandparents we need to understand the generations before them.

 

It may or may not be easy to find this information. Sometimes our parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles can fill in details. Sometimes we have no one we can ask. Sometimes our family members may not even want to talk to us about the family—they may feel those things are better left alone—that in itself is a clue of dysfunction and information we will be stronger for knowing. Family members are the best source of information but their memories may be faulty, or they may only know what their parents or grandparents told them, and that may not be everything. We can also consult birth, death, and marriage records, censuses and historical information about the community where our ancestors lived. But how does this information help us?

 

Say your father was emotionally abusive, and you have realized over the years he has low self-esteem, which he compensated for by trying to control you. You remember your grandfather as a mean, ornery old man. You might even know that he physically abused your father as a child. But as you research, you learn more. Your grandfather was an immigrant to this country. Back in his home country, he had to work as a young boy to help support the family because his own father died when he was twelve. He had a mother and younger siblings to help support. Imagine the burden on him. Imagine how difficult it must have been for him to leave his family to come to the United States to find a better life for himself. Imagine being an immigrant in a country where you didn’t speak the language and you knew no one. Imagine finding that life here was not much better than back home. You found a wife and had a family but you were still poor. Imagine living through World War II, daily fearing for your mother and siblings that you left back in Europe. Imagine losing one of your children in a fire. I would think that would give you some reason to be mean and ornery. It doesn’t excuse the behavior, but it does make it understandable, and grandpa then took out his frustrations on dad who in turn took them out on you.

 

It’s just a start. Remember grandma has her story too. Think about it—your parents, grandparents, great-grandparents, and great-great-grandparents—that’s thirty people whose lives have directly or indirectly affected your life. By knowing their stories, we can trace the dysfunction, the pain, as well as the positive aspects about them that we have today. It leads to a better understanding of ourselves, where our dysfunction came from, and how we can keep it from continuing to rear its ugly head by finding different means of dealing with life’s frustrations.

 

In the process, we will also see the triumphs. Maybe dad was emotionally abusive, but unlike his father, he never hit his children. In his own way, he tried to do better, to break the cycle. And grandpa—he didn’t know how to deal with disappointment but he still worked so life would be better for his children than it was for him. That’s love even if not spoken. When we understand our family members, we can see them as whole, complicated people, but people who tried to do better, just like us, and we can continue that family tradition, not of dysfunction, but of trying to do better. Whatever we end up finding in our family trees, we will better understand how dysfunction began and worked in our families and we will be better prepared to deal with the imprints that have been passed down to us.

 

Irene Watson, MA,  is author of The Sitting Swing: Finding Wisdom to Know the Difference, and co-editor of The Story that Must Be Told: True Tales of Transformation, and Authors Access: 30 Success Secrets for Authors and Publishers. She is a workshop leader, managing editor of Reader Views, and president of a non-profit Higher Power Foundation. Irene lives next to Barton Creek in Austin, TX, with her husband Robert.

Loving Ourselves

It is easy to forget to love ourselves. It’s easy to forget to nurture ourselves. It’s easy to forget that if we don’t take care of ourselves, we won’t be able to take care of anyone else.

 

It’s also easy to get caught up in other people’s opinions of us, to accept stereotypes and generalizations, to let strangers’ opinions control and determine our happiness.

 

At these times, we need to draw on our Higher Power. We need to remember that Love is the ultimate power and the ultimate gift to give ourselves.

 

As humans, we are social animals, and that need for attention from other people makes us tend to think we need people to love us. Truthfully, if no one loved us, it would not make us any less loveable. If we are put down because we are women, or gay, or from a certain racial group, or poor, or disabled, or on welfare, or we don’t have a college degree, or because we do have a college degree, or because we are rich, or for whatever reason, it doesn’t matter. We are still loveable.

 

When all the world seems to turn against us, that is when we most need to remember to love ourselves. We don’t do it by spending tons of money we don’t have. We don’t have to do it by eating everything in sight. We can simply put our arms around ourselves, patting ourselves on the back, saying to ourselves, “I love you and I will take care of you. I will always be here for you no matter what.”

 

If we believe in a Higher Power, we remember that Love is what guides the universe. We understand that whatever situations we face will only make us stronger and provide the opportunity for us to learn to rely on ourselves and love and appreciate ourselves all the more.

 

Today, take time to love yourself. Find things about yourself to appreciate—whether it’s your looks, your physique, your intellect, your kind heart, your ability to forgive those who hurt you, your faith in a Higher Power, your artistic abilities, or your refusal to give up. Whatever it is, and I trust if you look hard enough, you’ll find there are many reasons, find reasons to love yourself. You are loveable. It doesn’t matter if anyone else thinks so. The only person you have to live with the rest of your life is yourself so you need to love that person—that should always be your top priority.

 

Irene Watson, MA,  is author of The Sitting Swing: Finding Wisdom to Know the Difference, and co-editor of The Story that Must Be Told: True Tales of Transformation, and Authors Access: 30 Success Secrets for Authors and Publishers. She is a workshop leader, managing editor of Reader Views, and president of a non-profit Higher Power Foundation. Irene lives next to Barton Creek in Austin, TX, with her husband Robert.

 

Estrangement We Caused

In my last post, I talked about estrangement that results from people unwilling to accept the changes in us once we begin recovery. However, estrangement often begins before we begin recovery. It can be the reason we enter recovery.

 

For example, a relationship might end—a romantic relationship, a friendship, even an employment relationship—because we acted codependent, controlling, manipulative, or our addictions resulted in the other person rejecting us. Sometimes we know it is our fault the relationship ended. At other times, we may not understand why the other person rejected us. We may feel guilt, confusion, low self-esteem, even suicidal because we feel the other person’s opinion of us and our need to be with that person are so important that we cannot handle the estrangement that follows.

 

At this time, we most need to enter recovery—either that or we are risked with facing years of a broken heart or becoming a stalker and making the situation worse. We may begin recovery believing we can “fix” whatever it is about ourselves that made the other person reject us. We may find the estrangement from that person to be painful, but we accept it for a short while as we work on ourselves. We might tell ourselves that in thirty days, six months, or at Christmas, we will contact that person, show him or her we have changed, and then the person will take us back. We may even misconstrue what it means to make amends to people. We may eventually contact the person because Step 9 of the Twelve-Step Anonymous programs tells us to make amends. Only, Step 9 also says that we make amends “except when to do so would injure them or others.” We must think long and hard about that condition before making amends. Otherwise, we may make matters worse. Yes, we can go overboard with making amends. We can become obsessed with our need for forgiveness.

 

We hope for a happy ending, but it is just as likely that the estrangement will continue. We send a letter, we make a phone call, we write an email. The other person does not pick up the phone, does not write or call back. We find forgiveness is not going to be forthcoming. We feel near unbearable pain over the loss, but eventually, we realize there is no point in continuing to try to reach that other person. We have apologized. We have left the door open. It is up to him or her to reenter our lives. We remember we cannot force them.

 

Slowly, we realize that while the other person may never say, “I forgive you,” our obsession with needing to make amends is based in our own shame. Slowly, we learn that we must forgive ourselves for our faults. We do this by continuing to work our recovery program, by continuing to make progress, by learning from our mistakes and not repeating them. We forgive ourselves. We can continue to hold that other person in our hearts with love, but most importantly, we learn to love ourselves.

 

We find that we do not need that other person in order to live a happy, fulfilling life. We stop blocking other positive relationships from our lives by focusing solely on the estranged person. We make new friends. We do better this time around. We attract healthy relationships with other people.

 

We find that at that low point when we became estranged from a loved one, that we actually were estranged from our own well-being. Now we are reconnected with our true and better self.

 

Irene Watson, MA,  is author of The Sitting Swing: Finding Wisdom to Know the Difference, and co-editor of The Story that Must Be Told: True Tales of Transformation, and Authors Access: 30 Success Secrets for Authors and Publishers. She is a workshop leader, managing editor of Reader Views, and president of a non-profit Higher Power Foundation. Irene lives next to Barton Creek in Austin, TX, with her husband Robert.

Estrangement and Boundaries

For a long time, we have allowed crazy, dysfunctional, unhealthy people in our lives. Now we are in recovery and we are learning to say, “No” to people and behaviors that are detrimental to our well-being and our growth. We start deciding whom we want and no longer want in our lives. We cut ties as need be with those whom we can no longer associate. As for those people we want to keep—the healthy, positive, loving ones—we choose to continue building relationships.
 

The dysfunctional people whom we still love, particularly family members, we may also choose to have in our lives, but we need to set boundaries so we do not let them control us or let us slide back into codependent behaviors.

 

Boundary setting can be difficult for us. It can also be difficult for the people with whom we try to enforce the boundaries. Once we set the boundary, we need to know what we will do if the other person will not respect it. We have to be prepared not to have that person in our lives if that is what is best for our well-being. The other person may find him or herself unwilling to accept the change we have made. He or she may feel threatened by the change in us. People may be upset because we will no longer take care of them, allow them to manipulate us, or wallow in their misery with them. They may offer us ultimatums or threats to end the relationship if we do not do what they want. We tell them to stop manipulating us. They may then leave, or if need be, we may tell them we no longer want them in our lives.

 

Estrangement is difficult to deal with. Even if we make the decision not to have someone in our lives, it does not mean we have to stop loving that person. It just means we love ourselves by not allowing that person to hurt us. We can continue to pray for that person, and we can wish them well in our hearts. If we bump into them on the street, we can say “Hello” so they know we do not hold anger against them, but at the same time, we do not budge on the boundaries we have set.

 

Sometimes the estranged person is an ex-spouse, a child, a parent, a sibling, which makes matters extremely difficult. We wish things were different, but we have to remember that we cannot change that person. We cannot fix them. We cannot force them down their own road to recovery. We must focus on ourselves. We trust that in the end everything will be the best for them. Perhaps that will mean eventually they will come back as changed people. Perhaps it means we will never speak to them again. We still hold the person in our heart in love, while we remain thankful that we had the courage to change.

Irene Watson, MA,  is author of The Sitting Swing: Finding Wisdom to Know the Difference, and co-editor of The Story that Must Be Told: True Tales of Transformation, and Authors Access: 30 Success Secrets for Authors and Publishers. She is a workshop leader, managing editor of Reader Views, and president of a non-profit Higher Power Foundation. Irene lives next to Barton Creek in Austin, TX, with her husband Robert.

 

Do You Need a Job for Codependency Reasons?

One of my friends who retired a couple of years ago told me the other day that she thought she should get a job. Not thinking that she and her husband might have financial problems, I asked her whether she was bored with retirement, and I suggested she find some new hobbies or she volunteer somewhere—to do something she would enjoy without having to be tied down to a work schedule. But she told me she was enjoying retirement and that wasn’t why she needed a job. She needed to make some money.

 

Then I asked her whether she and her husband were having financial difficulties. Had they not saved enough for retirement? Had they lost a substantial amount of money during the recent economic downturn? No, she told me, they had plenty of money to live on.

 

After a few more questions, she admitted to me that she felt she had to make money so she would have something to leave to her grown son because he was in credit-card debt and had a job that only paid a little over minimum wage.

 

I tried gently but firmly to enforce in her mind that while it was admirable that she loved her son and wanted to take care of him, he was an adult, nearly middle-aged, and it was not her responsibility, since he was an adult, to take care of him. She expressed her concern that she didn’t know what would become of him when she was gone. She also expressed that she didn’t know where she went wrong in raising him.

 

This son admittedly has little ambition to do anything; he tends to be negative and have a defeatist attitude, but I don’t see this as his mother’s fault. She made sure he had what he needed; she pushed him to get through college; she gave him every opportunity she could. Yet she feels like a failure, like she is responsible for his failure, or at least his unwillingness to do something to better himself.

 

If any role in this world can breed codependency, it has to be that of motherhood. Mothers never cease to be mothers. But they also have to realize that no matter what they do for their children, ultimately, their children are responsible for making their own decisions, especially once they are adults. Sure, parents want to leave something behind for their children, but they are not required to do so; they don’t have to do so. Retirement should be a time for people to relax and enjoy themselves.

 

You may not be able to help yourself from worrying about your children, but ask yourself whether you are enabling them when you give them money and gifts to compensate for necessities they should be able to provide for themselves?

 

My friend asks herself what is going to happen to her son after she is gone. If she continues trying to take care of him rather than letting him learn to take care of himself, then I wonder as well.

 

Irene Watson, MA,  is author of The Sitting Swing: Finding Wisdom to Know the Difference, and co-editor of The Story that Must Be Told: True Tales of Transformation, and Authors Access: 30 Success Secrets for Authors and Publishers. She is a workshop leader, managing editor of Reader Views, and president of a non-profit Higher Power Foundation. Irene lives next to Barton Creek in Austin, TX, with her husband Robert.

On Not Being a Team Player

On September 23^rd, I wrote about it being time to move on from a Twelve-Step group. I received feedback on that posting from a number of people. One of them was from one of my author friends who said he could relate to it because he had recently decided to quit attending another organization, a group for improving one’s public speaking. He had been attending this group for a couple of years and enjoyed participating in it, but work commitments and his own desire to spend more time writing made it increasingly more difficult for him to attend or do the extra work involved with being a member, including preparing speeches.

 

He continued to attend when he could, but when it came time to pay yearly dues, he decided it was time not to go any longer. When he explained to the president he would no longer attend, he was happy to hear he would be missed and that he was one of the most valued members of the group; in return, my friend replied that he was glad to be appreciated, but he felt he had gotten what he wanted from the group and now it was time to move on. In the next couple of days, the president and a couple of other members informed him that being a member wasn’t about what he could get out of the group but about what he could give. “We need you,” they told him.

 

Similar to my blog posting about whether we would continue to attend a Codependents Anonymous meeting out of a codependent need to help others, my friend said he did consider for a long time going to the meeting because he felt he was needed and he was happy to help other people, but he also felt like he had too many other commitments and interests pulling at him. After he thought about it some more, he decided, “I didn’t start going to this group so I could help other people, but so I could improve myself. I went so I could become a better speaker. I accomplished my goal so it is time to move on.” He told himself he should not feel guilty about leaving, and although he felt the other members thought he was selfish, he decided what they thought did not matter so long as he was happy with his decision.

 

How often, whether it’s belonging to a group, a church, or a club, do we continue doing something we no longer want to do because it’s easier than explaining to people we don’t want to do it anymore, because we don’t want to disappoint people, or because we feel guilty? Is it really our responsibility to help other people, or to keep a group alive when we no longer feel it is beneficial or of interest to us?

 

If you’ve ever belonged to an organization or club, you probably know that no matter how many people belong, only a handful usually participate and really get involved. I wonder how many of those core members who keep groups alive, while I bless them for their efforts, are codependent?

 

The bottom line is if we enjoy an activity, we should continue to do it. If we find we don’t enjoy it any longer, we don’t have to participate any more. My friend, himself a recovering codependent, admits that a few years ago, he probably would have been talked into staying, probably wouldn’t have even taken the step to leave. Instead, he realizes he is not required to be a team player, to do something for the good of the group. But he leaves the door open. If he finds he misses the group or he wants to go back to it, he can do so, but only because he will enjoy doing so, not out of guilt.

Irene Watson, MA,  is author of The Sitting Swing: Finding Wisdom to Know the Difference, and co-editor of The Story that Must Be Told: True Tales of Transformation, and Authors Access: 30 Success Secrets for Authors and Publishers. She is a workshop leader, managing editor of Reader Views, and president of a non-profit Higher Power Foundation. Irene lives next to Barton Creek in Austin, TX, with her husband Robert.

Recovery and Children

When we are in recovery, we spend a lot of time thinking back to our childhoods. We think about our family of origin, the addictions or dysfunctional behavior of our parents, siblings, aunts, uncles, or grandparents. We wonder why it is that of all the parents in the world, we had to end up with abusive ones. We wonder why our older brother had to sexually abuse us, or why our grandmother had to be putting us down all the time. We wish we had different childhoods.

We may forget, however, about the future and the family of the present. What about our children? Yes, we’ve already done better than the generations before us. Our children are safe, they are not being abused, maybe they even hear "I love you" from us. Our children hopefully are not living a life like we knew as children, but what are we doing, besides making sure that bad things aren’t happening to them, to make sure that good things are happening to them?

Did your grandmother tell you that you’d never amount to anything? Have you told your daughter that she can grow up to be anything she wants to be whether it’s a ballerina, an astronaut, a teacher, or President of the United States, and that whatever she grows up to be, you will always love and support her?

Did your father physically beat you as a child? Have you told your son you know he is capable of beating all the odds and making it as a professional football player, an actor, an entrepreneur, or a chef in a five star restaurant if he puts his mind to it, and that you will help him all the way?

Have you encouraged your children to dream? Have you encouraged them to face their fears and soar beyond them?

When you think about your childhood and what went wrong, think about the limitations imposed on you, the boundaries, the things people told you that you couldn’t do. Turn those messages around. For every "You can’t" you heard as a child, tell your child ten times over, "You can."

When you hear your child express doubt about himself and his abilities, or you hear her telling her sibling they aren’t capable of doing something, pull them aside and tell them an inspirational story. Make them believe they can. Remember "The Little Engine That Could"? Make sure your children know that story and many like it.

Getting past the negative in our family is only half of breaking the cycle. The other half is starting a new cycle, a positive cycle of creating enthusiastic, successful, fearless children with a "CAN-DO" attitude. Raise your children so they will soar in life!

Irene Watson, MA,  is author of The Sitting Swing: Finding Wisdom to Know the Difference, and co-editor of The Story that Must Be Told: True Tales of Transformation, and Authors Access: 30 Success Secrets for Authors and Publishers. She is a workshop leader, managing editor of Reader Views, and president of a non-profit Higher Power Foundation. Irene lives next to Barton Creek in Austin, TX, with her husband Robert.

Avoiding Codependency at Co-Dependents Anonymous

Once we realize we are codependent, one of the best resources for us is to attend a Co-Dependents Anonymous (CODA) meeting. Initially, joining such a group can be difficult because it means admitting we have a problem and it means other people will know. But it also means we are on the road to recovery, and the people we tell are people like us, suffering from the same dysfunction and wanting to change their lives.

Most importantly, the meeting is anonymous. That means "Who you see here, what is said here, when you leave here, let it stay here." Codependents Anonymous works effectively because of this emphasis on respecting each other’s privacy and not repeating who attends the meeting or what they said; we want the same dignity and respect in turn from the other members.

While these meetings are great sources for healing and fellowship, at the same time, we have to remember that we are dealing with other codependents when we go there. While we want to heal and encourage one another, we cannot take on someone else’s codependency as our problem, telling that person how to overcome his or her difficulties, or relying on another member at the meeting for the answers.

Sometimes people at the meeting might make us feel uncomfortable. We might be nervous about associating with them or opening up to them. It is fine to let people know you do not feel comfortable being in contact with them outside the meeting if they approach you. We do not have to feel required to be friends outside the meeting with anyone. We are not responsible for the other members’ well-being, although we may care about them, and they are not responsible for ours.

We should avoid forcing advice on a person, especially when the person does not ask for it, and we can listen to others, but we do not have to follow their advice. We can figure out for ourselves what is best for us while appreciating the diverse people and their experiences that we encounter at a Twelve-Step meeting.

Most Twelve-Step programs encourage having a sponsor, but each individual meeting functions in its own way, while following the basic guidelines. Some Co-Dependents Anonymous groups provide sponsors while others do not simply because it is easy for the members to slip into codependency with one another. Phone numbers may be exchanged, but people do not have to give out their phone numbers unless they feel comfortable doing so. You are never required to have a sponsor; nor do you have to accept if someone offers to be your sponsor.

In larger cities, people have the advantage of multiple meetings. In that case, a person might choose to attend two or more groups regularly, or attend a few meetings until the meeting is found where a person is most comfortable.

Twelve-Step meetings are a safe place to begin the journey to recovery, but everyone’s comfort level and definition of safety differs. Find the group and the people that make you feel the most comfortable. Find the meeting where you will be able to heal and recover, not prolong your codependency.

Irene Watson, MA,  is author of The Sitting Swing: Finding Wisdom to Know the Difference, and co-editor of The Story that Must Be Told: True Tales of Transformation, and Authors Access: 30 Success Secrets for Authors and Publishers. She is a workshop leader, managing editor of Reader Views, and president of a non-profit Higher Power Foundation. Irene lives next to Barton Creek in Austin, TX, with her husband Robert.

Accepting Sex for Love

A codependency characteristic often sighted is that people accept sex when what they really want is love.

When we are in a relationship with someone, we want to be loved; we want to feel we are appreciated for ourselves and not for what we give the other person. Sometimes, however, we are so starved for attention that we "jump the gun" in the relationship. Sadly, too many of us are ready to jump into bed with someone in the hopes that it will make the person like us, often before we really know the person.

Sex does not equal Love. Let me say that again because the lines between the two are so often blurred. Sex does not equal Love. Or, to put it another way, because you love someone does not mean you have to have sex with him or her. Because someone says he or she loves you does not mean you have to have sex with that person.

Is sex what we really want? Okay, admittedly, most of us do want sex. It’s enjoyable. But do we really want sex just for sex itself? Most of us really want to be loved. We want to feel that someone else thinks we are special. We want a relationship that will be lasting and meaningful. Yes, there are some people who seem only to want sex, but these people most likely have their own insecurities. Those insecurities are not our problems. We should not feel we have to have sex with someone to make him or her feel better. We don’t let someone "guilt" us into having sex.

If we want to have sex with someone, we are free to do so. Our bodies belong to us and we are allowed to use them as we please, not as another person, religion, or political group believes we should. But before we decide what to do with our body, we need to look at our motives and the other person’s motives.

Are we agreeing to accept sex from someone who is unavailable to love us? Are we choosing to believe a lie when someone says he or she loves us just so we will have sex with that person?

A healthy sexuality is part of the joy of human existence. But we should never settle for less than what we deserve. We all deserve to be loved, treasured, cherished, and nurtured. We do not deserve to be used; nor do we deserve to mistreat ourselves by our using someone else.

Today, think about your sexual experiences. Decide which ones have been healthy and which, if any, have not been healthy. Honor yourself. Do not accept sex when what you really want is love.

Irene Watson, MA,  is author of The Sitting Swing: Finding Wisdom to Know the Difference, and co-editor of The Story that Must Be Told: True Tales of Transformation, and Authors Access: 30 Success Secrets for Authors and Publishers. She is a workshop leader, managing editor of Reader Views, and president of a non-profit Higher Power Foundation. Irene lives next to Barton Creek in Austin, TX, with her husband Robert.

Creative Expression Fuels Recovery

When we’ve been so busy, either being addicted to a substance or a person, we tend to lose sight of who we are, of our own dreams and goals, our likes and dislikes.

A great way to get back on track is to do something creative. It can help us to see things from a new perspective, find newfound talents within ourselves, and be a therapeutic step toward healing.

A simple way to begin to express yourself creatively is to tell your story. Tell your past story if need be so you can get your own grip on it. Figure it out for yourself. Many of the greatest authors have used their personal experiences as the basis for great literature and found it therapeutic in the process. At the same time, tell the story for yourself, not for anyone else. You don’t have to become Hemingway to benefit from and enjoy the process of storytelling. If telling your old story is too painful, tell the story of your future, envision what you want for yourself, put it down into words so your subconscious knows what your goal is.

When we talk about "telling" a story, we think of writing it or speaking it. Oral narratives are definitely an art form in themselves and the oldest way of storytelling. But the spoken or written word is not the only way to tell a story. Any of the other creative art forms will work equally well.

A very therapeutic creative form that allows for protected self-expression is acting. You can play the role of a fictional character whose story you feel resembles your own, and in the process, experience that character’s emotions and use them to help you process your own feelings.

Dance is a fantastic way to expend excess energy whether it is anger, frustration, or joy. Take a dance class—any kind will work such as ballet, jazz, square dancing, folk or tap. Find a friend and go ballroom dancing—the friendship and shared creativity can be healing. Or if you are shy about your dancing abilities, dance at home. Just turn off all the lights and let you and the music be alone together. Put on your favorite song and dance around the living room, burning off energy and relaxing your body.

Painting and drawing are excellent means of self-expression. You can paint or draw pictures of situations you’ve been in and find healing in the process, or you can focus on painting a calm country scene, a landscape, whatever makes you feel peaceful.

If anything soothes the savage soul, it is music. Write your own song lyrics, play an instrument, or join your local choir.

Whatever you do, express yourself. The world needs your individuality, your ideas and thoughts, the magic that is you that only you can express. No one is more qualified than you to tell your story—if you don’t tell it, no one will; if you don’t use your imagination to show others the possibilities in the world, a rich gift will be lost, and through the process, you will find healing.

Irene Watson, MA,  is author of The Sitting Swing: Finding Wisdom to Know the Difference, and co-editor of The Story that Must Be Told: True Tales of Transformation, and Authors Access: 30 Success Secrets for Authors and Publishers. She is a workshop leader, managing editor of Reader Views, and president of a non-profit Higher Power Foundation. Irene lives next to Barton Creek in Austin, TX, with her husband Robert.

Step #4

If we attend an anonymous meeting, whether it be Alcoholics Anonymous, Codependents Anonymous or any other, one of the scariest things we have to face is Step #4: “Made a Searching and Fearless Moral Inventory of Ourselves.”

But why is it scary? It says right in the step we must be fearless about it. Yet it is scary—scary to think we might be a worse person than we thought. But it’s also one of the most exciting steps. It’s the step that leads us to self-improvement. Think of it as similar to your car making a noise. We dread that experience. We fear the worst possible scenarios—that the car will break down on the road, that it’ll have to be towed, that the mechanic will tell us it’s unfixable so we need to buy a new one, or it will cost us thousands of dollars to fix. These scenarios are possible, but it could also be something minor, something that just needs a tune-up and a couple of hours later, we drive out of the garage, having spent less than a hundred dollars for the repair, knowing the drive ahead of us will now be smooth and safe.

A moral inventory is also scary because we don’t like to admit our wrongs. Step #5 will ask us to “Admit to ourselves, God and another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.” But we aren’t there yet. Don’t jump ahead of yourself. Just make the list. You don’t have to show it to anyone if you don’t want to, even when you try to do Step #5. Just make the list.

Don’t think of it as “What I did wrong” or “Ways I’ve screwed up.” Think of it as your “To Do” list, your “Things I’m Going to Do Better List” or “My Steps to Self-Improvement.”

Be honest with yourself. Okay, so you told your mother you don’t love her because you got angry, and she didn’t even do anything wrong—you were just having a bad day. Instead of saying, “I am mean to my mother” phrase it positively as, “I will be kind to my mother.” Then think of ways to do so. Maybe you’ve been drinking too much. Write down, “I will enjoy sobriety.” Step #4 is not really about our faults so much as our goal to change. We can see our faults as guides for how we can become better people. Be brave here. The past doesn’t really matter. It’s in the past. What matters is the future.

Make your list. Celebrate the completion of it—you might find new things to add over time, but those are just signposts, letting you know you’ve gone the wrong way, so you can turn in the right direction on the road to recovery. You’ve already come a long way, but not so far as you’re going to go!

Are You Being Stalked?

Love Addiction can sometimes result in scary situations. If we find ourselves in a relationship we don’t want to be in, or pursued by someone we’re not interested in, we do not have to be in that relationship just because we are afraid of hurting the other person’s feelings. The relationship may be a romantic one, or the person may just want our friendship. It doesn’t matter what the other person wants if it’s not what we want. We don’t need to be in the relationship. We do need to put an end to it as soon as we realize we don’t want it.

Sadly, some people don’t know how to take a hint, and worse, they won’t take “No” for an answer. They won’t let you break up with them, or they won’t let you turn them down. These are the people who know you have caller ID so when you don’t pick up the phone when they call, they show up at your house unannounced. They try to manipulate you by appearing with gifts so you will feel guilty if you refuse to let them in. What do you do in this kind of situation? Here are a few scenarios and rules to follow:

If someone shows up at your house without first calling, ask him or her to call next time before coming over; explain you may be busy or you may not be home and don’t want the person to waste a trip. If the behavior happens again, repeat your request and ask if it is unclear. If necessary, say, “I don’t want you coming over to my house anymore.”

If the person tries to buy your love with gifts, you do not have to accept them. If you do accept the gift, it does not mean you have to reciprocate in any way. A gift does not imply that you owe something in return. You can thank the person for the gift, or you can say you do not feel right accepting it.

When you break up with someone, be straightforward with how you feel, but don’t get caught in discussing specific incidents from the past. If the person starts crying, wish the person well and say you hope in the long run he or she will see that ending the relationship was for the best. Do not allow yourself to comfort the person by hugging, holding, kissing on the cheek, etc. You don’t want your sympathy used against you.

Most importantly, cut off all contact. Don’t let guilt lead you down the road to agreeing that the person may call or write to you. Don’t return his or her phone calls. Don’t let the person manipulate you. Remember, if you give this type of person an inch, he or she will take a mile. You aren’t a mean person just because you don’t want to be in a relationship with someone. You are not required to fulfill another person’s needs. Look out for your own needs first. Take needed precautions (getting caller ID, changing locks on doors, or getting a restraining order) if the other person’s behavior becomes unreasonable.

This is your life. You are in control of it. Spend it with the people you choose.

Love Addiction

In my last posting, I talked about how our lives become unmanageable from trying to control people. Control is never a bigger problem than in romantic relationships where love addiction exists. There are healthy and unhealthy forms of love. Yes, romantic love is wonderful, and you should love your mate and seek his or her well-being, but that doesn’t mean trying to force the relationship or controlling the loved one.

In romantic relationships where love addiction exists, one partner generally is the love addict and the other is the avoider. The love addict pursues the avoider. That doesn’t mean the relationship starts with love addiction, but if it develops, the couple will divide itself into these two roles. Generally what happens is that the love addict pursues or tries to control the avoider. The avoider feels manipulated or controlled by the love addict and consequently does things like stay out all night, avoid phone calls, or generally plays hard to get; in some but not all cases, the avoider is also trying to control in a reverse way by driving the love addict crazy with behavior that makes the love addict try to control.

At times, the love addict may see the error of his or her ways and decide not to pursue the avoider any longer. The avoider, who is also addicted to the relationship’s drama, may then feels he or she is not getting the constant dramatic attention that has become familiar, and which might even be pleasurable to him or her; the avoider then becomes the love addict, pursuing the love addict turned avoider. The situation may switch back and forth constantly in the relationship. Such relationships are often marked by fights, break-ups, and passionate make-ups. They are relationships full of drama.

For a good relationship to last, a happy balance needs to be achieved. Think today about whether you are in a relationship where you play the role of love addict or avoider. Can you somehow meet your partner halfway in the relationship rather than each of you being on one extreme end? Is your partner in such avoidance that you have been denying it and would be better off with someone else? Or are you the avoider, putting off telling the love addict you don’t want a relationship with him or her because you are afraid of the result?

The time has come to be honest. First be honest with yourself. Then be honest with your partner. If you decide you want the relationship to work, ask your partner what he or she wants. If that person admits to not wanting the relationship, then end it; don’t prolong the drama and mutual misery. If the two of you decide you want to save the relationship, talk to each other about it as partners, read books to help you, attend counseling, and find out if your area has a chapter of Love Addicts Anonymous you can join.

Love addiction may feel like love, but it is not. It is an unhealthy form of control and avoidance. End the dysfunction in your current relationship. Then go out and find the mutually loving relationship you deserve.

Our Lives Had Become Unmanageable

This phrase is familiar to those who attend Twelve Step meetings, whether it’s Alcoholics Anonymous, Codependents Anonymous or some other group. For Codependents Anonymous, it is written as “We admitted we were powerless over others; that our lives had become unmanageable.” That is the first step, slightly different with each Twelve-Step group. For Alcoholics Anonymous, “over others” is replaced with “over alcohol.”

What does an unmanageable life mean? For alcoholics, it’s the inability to quit drinking alcohol; for codependents, the inability to control other people makes our lives crazy; for sex addicts, it’s the inability to stop compulsive sexual behavior. We acknowledge our lives are unmanageable when we accept that we can’t control our behavior or our need to control other people’s behaviors.

For codependents, our lives become unmanageable when we realize we are out-of-control in our attempts to control. In one of her books, Melody Beattie gives an amazingly long list of the ways codependents try to control people. Some of it may make us laugh, but it’s sad laughter because it’s true. The list includes such extremes as “go out and look for; call all over looking for; drive down dark alleys at night hoping to see; chase down dark alleys at night hoping to catch” and “look through pockets; peek in wallets; search dresser drawers; dig through glove boxes; look in the toilet tank...” Her list goes on and on. It’s all crazy out-of-control behavior.

Sadly, many of us have done some of these things. Our hardest lesson seems to be that we can’t control people; we can’t “fix” them. The unmanageability part comes from our being unable to manage our own affairs, actually sabotaging ourselves, putting our lives, our loved ones’ lives, our jobs, our homes at risk in an effort to control someone else, supposedly to help the other person. We become so enmeshed in the other person’s problem that we forget to take care of ourselves; we even make choices we know will hurt us out of a misguided love for the other person. It’s like being a country so worried about what its neighbor is doing and trying to control it, that it forgets to take care of its own people, resulting in its infrastructure crumbling.

Codependents tend to be martyrs. We think if we’re not helping other people we’re being selfish. We have to learn a form of selfishness, which is not really selfishness but self-love. Our lives can only be manageable if first we take care of ourselves and our needs. We learn to manage our lives again by learning to let go of the person or situation we have tried to control. Slowly, we see how we have neglected our own wants, needs, and hobbies in our efforts to control another. We regain control of ourselves, and we trust our Higher Power to help the other person take care of him or herself.

Enabling Behavior

Many of us in recovery for codependency have been enablers, either actively or passively. We actively support the drug addict or alcoholic by participating in the activity with him, or giving her opportunities or resources for the addiction. We passively enable by denying a problem exists; we close our eyes to it so the person does not feel guilt or hostility from us in carrying out the behavior.

Enabling appears in many forms. It usually disguises itself as love, caretaking, protecting, or helping someone. We tell ourselves we are helping the other person, but we are actually hindering that person.

Enabling can be in large or small ways. It doesn’t have to be buying alcohol or drugs. It can be as simple as a parent helping an adult child with finances. For example, a mother has an adult son who makes enough money that he should be able to support himself. However, he has a spending problem. He has a lot of credit card debt, and he has had to borrow money from his parents for necessary items like car repairs. His parents help him out because he is their son and they love him. They worry about what will happen to him if they don’t help him.

It is fine to help your adult children when they need help. Everyone has times of financial difficulty, and if the person is making a concerted effort to improve his or her financial situation, helping is acceptable. In this case, however, the son spends his income on items like new clothes he does not need. He doesn’t buy groceries because his mother will buy them for him. He then gets angry when she buys him groceries; it makes him feel that his mother believes he cannot take care of himself, yet by her buying him groceries or loaning him money, he puts off becoming financially responsible because he knows his mother will cover his extra expenses.

A good rule of thumb is that if people ask you for help, go ahead and help them the first time if the request is reasonable and it’s a one-time situation, but the second time, tell them you cannot support their behavior. It isn’t easy, but in the long run, you will be doing them a bigger favor. Remember the old Chinese proverb, “Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime.” Detach yourself in love from helping the person. Detach yourself from the outcome of what will happen to that person if you don’t help him. You are not responsible for fixing the person’s problem, but by detaching, you may be the means to helping the person fix the problem on his or her own.

In the case of the mother above, she worries what will happen to her son if she doesn’t help him, but someday she won’t be alive to help him. It’s better she helps him prepare for that day by not helping him today.

Food, Emotions, and Self-Love

Everyone has to eat to survive, and it’s questionable whether there’s anyone alive who does not enjoy eating. Food is necessary for us. We eat to provide our bodies with nutrients and the energy to function. But food is far more than a necessity—it’s part of our culture, our social rituals, it’s a way of showing love, and a way of comforting ourselves. As a result, many people end up being overweight and developing a love-hate relationship with food.

We hear ad nauseam about dieting and different techniques to lose weight. The problem is that when people do lose weight on one of these diets, they often quit dieting and the weight comes back. We can count calories, we can watch what we eat, but what is essential to resolving the issue of being overweight is to understand why we eat or overeat.

It’s not my purpose to give nutrition or health advice. But I want to give a reminder about the connection between food and emotions. It is often our emotions that cause us to eat more and to eat what we shouldn’t eat.

When you find yourself craving food, ask yourself, “Am I Really Hungry? What am I feeling at this moment that makes me want to eat?”

People tend to be emotional eaters. We eat to comfort ourselves. Reasons why we may eat include:  loneliness, fear, stress, feeling overwhelmed, or feeling unloved or rejected. We’ve all seen movies where women dig into ice cream buckets after a breakup with a boyfriend.

When we are in these emotional states, we reach for comfort foods—usually ice cream, sweets, junk food like potato chips or even fast food. One friend of mine told me that for him, comfort foods are things his grandmother would have made—mashed potatoes with gravey, and brownies. If we’re going to eat comfort foods, we should strive to find more nutritious ones, but more importantly, we should try to find another way to comfort ourselves.

Next time you feel the need to eat something you shouldn’t or when you shouldn’t, ask yourself what you are feeling. Then ask yourself what you can do to improve that feeling rather than to eat. If you are feeling lonely, pick up the phone and call a friend you trust to tell them about your feelings. If you feel stressed, take a hot bath. If you feel overwhelmed, go for a walk—not only will you feel better, but you’ll burn rather than gain calories.

It’s not always that we are upset when we overeat. Sometimes we reward ourselves with food. Make the same conscious decisions at those times. Reward yourself with something else—buy yourself a book or CD, rent a movie, go for a walk or take a hot bath.

Life should be pleasurable, but food is not the only pleasure. We do not have to overfeed ourselves to practice self-love. By understanding why we eat, we can improve our eating habits and our happiness.

Sharing at a Meeting

One of the most valuable parts of attending an anonymous meeting is sharing your story and listening to other people’s stories.

 

Many people feel anxious about going to a meeting because they are afraid to tell their story, to let other people know their problems or the mistakes they have made.

 

The first thing to know is that you don’t have to share anything if you don’t want to. If you do want to share, you share only what you want to. No one will expect you to give any specific information. No one will ask you questions about your issue. This is not an interrogation, a place to judge or to lay blame. It’s simply a place to unburden ourselves when we are ready, and to learn from other people.

 

When the time in the meeting comes to share, people share if they want to. They generally talk for just a few minutes, respecting others by not using up all the time. They talk about whatever is on their mind, a problem they have, what they are experiencing, how they feel, or how they are working the program. No one interrupts anyone else. The person is allowed to finish, and then the next person who wishes to speak does so.

 

Meetings do not allow for crosstalk, feedback, or advice giving. If you want someone to give you advice, you can ask that if anyone has advice, they tell you after the meeting, but we do not give advice during the meeting so no one feels they are being told what to do, so people feel it is safe to share.

 

Sharing does not only mean telling our story. We also share our time; we share our listening skills. Even if we say nothing during the meeting, we listen; we witness another person’s story. We are there to learn from others’ experiences. We are there as moral support for them, to let them know we also have suffered, that they are not alone, and that together we will get through this experience.

 

As I stated earlier this week, meetings are confidential. We never tell anyone what was said at a meeting. We never mention other people’s names. The stories are jewels that belong to those in the meeting and no others.

 

As we continue to attend meetings, we will keep telling our story. Sometimes our old story will change and take on a new light. And our future story is created. Eventually we let go of our old story and we create a new one. We rewrite our script. Our sharing helps us talk things out for ourselves; it helps us create our new life, and it inspires others to do the same. Our stories matter—that is why we share them.

Finding a Sponsor at a Meeting

Most anonymous meetings provide you the opportunity to have a sponsor. A sponsor is someone who has been in recovery for a significant amount of time, and who is willing to answer your questions or give you guidance, or to be there when you just need to talk to someone.

Not all individual anonymous meetings operate with the use of sponsors, but most do. Having a sponsor is not required; it is an option. If someone offers to be your sponsor, you do not have to accept, and if someone asks if you will be his or her sponsor, you do not have to agree. In neither case should you feel guilty for saying, “No.” We are in recovery to learn how to make healthy choices for ourselves. If we want a sponsor, we can have one. If we don’t, we don’t have to.

If you decide to have a sponsor, you can decide whether you will meet or call the sponsor regularly, or just as needed, and as you progress in the program, you can decide if you no longer want to be sponsored, or if you wish to be a sponsor.

It is not necessary to choose a sponsor of the same gender or age. The most important thing is to choose someone you feel comfortable talking to, someone who will listen to you, someone who will share his or her own experiences, and someone who will provide you helpful feedback without being judgmental.

The sponsor can be a guide to understanding the Twelve Steps. A sponsor can be a listening ear, a friend, a guide, and ultimately one who helps you to reconnect with your Higher Power.

The sponsor can also learn from being a sponsor, reinforcing his or her own recovery by reminding himself of the values of the program. A sponsor is a gift, as is a sponsee.

If you want a sponsor, do not be afraid to ask someone or to announce in the meeting you would like to have a sponsor. You make the choice who or if you will have a sponsor. Make the choice that is best for you.

Anonymous Meetings – Safe and Confidential Places

Meetings are so important for our recovery so we do not have to do it alone. This week I’m going to provide some basic information about attending anonymous meetings.

One of the greatest resources for anyone in recovery from an addiction is attending an anonymous meeting. Many people feel anxiety, shame or nervousness about going to a meeting. Even when we admit we have a problem, and we know we need help for it, we may try to solve it on our own or go to a counselor, but we are afraid to go to a meeting. We don’t know who will be there, and we don’t want everyone to know about our problem.

Meetings are safe places. That’s why they are called anonymous. Anonymous meetings, whether it’s Alcoholics Anonymous, Codependents Anonymous, Sex Addicts Anonymous, Gamblers Anonymous, Overeaters Anonymous or any of the many other groups, rely upon confidentiality. Confidentiality and anonymity are what make these programs safe. Early in the meeting, the meeting chair will remind everyone that the meeting’s success, the welfare of the group, is dependent on confidentiality. No one is to repeat outside of the meeting what is said or who attended the meeting. A common statement is: “What is said here, who you see here, let it stay here.”

Anonymity means you don’t have to identify yourself. Most meetings have a section where people give their names, but they do not give their last names. People are not required to say anything about themselves, other than simply stating, “I am Joe and I’m an alcoholic” or “I’m Mary and I’m a recovering codependent.” You are free to share or not share as you choose. If you decide you don’t want to go to another meeting, no one will contact you, trying to recruit you to the group. You don’t need to sign anything, and although some members may exchange phone numbers so they have someone to talk to, it is not required.

Anonymous meetings must follow basic guidelines of Twelve-Step programs, but different groups may handle the order of their meeting in a slightly different manner. You may want to try a few different meetings until you find the one where you feel comfortable. Most towns will have at least one meeting. Many will have multiple meetings in a week.

If you are afraid to go to a meeting, you can look online for one in your area on sites such as www.coda.org (Codependents Anonymous) or www.aa.org (Alcoholics Anonymous). These sites provide complete lists of their particular group’s meetings in each state and town. They will also list a contact person for each meeting. You can usually call or email the contact person to ask them questions about the meeting if you want to talk to someone before attending a meeting. You won’t even need to give the person your name. Just let them know you wanted to talk to someone about attending a meeting because you’re a little nervous to do so.

Anonymous Twelve Step meetings are safe places. They can make a significant difference in your recovery. Don’t be afraid. They are just a step in your journey to a bright new tomorrow.

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder

A behavior often associated with codependency that receives a lot of attention is obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD). This disorder is marked by excessive, frequent or disturbing thoughts and fears that create anxiety. The anxiety is relieved when a compulsive behavior or ritual is performed, which is often irrational or even detrimental to the person. OCD is like an addiction because people are unable to prevent themselves from performing the behavior, and once performed, the behavior has a calming effect on them.

Milder forms of such behavior may include obsessive checking of one’s email out of fear you will miss something important that cannot wait a few extra minutes or hours, counting your steps so you know exactly how far it is from your office desk to the restroom, or obsessive hand washing out of fear of germs or contamination. More severe forms of OCD may include compulsive hair pulling, skin picking, and eating disorders.

People with severe forms of OCD should seek professional help; however, placing the disorder within the context of what it is—a disorder and a habitual behavior—can help us understand and overcome or control it. Earlier this week, I discussed the difference between wants and needs. People with OCD may feel the behaviors they perform are a need—they need to perform the behavior to comfort themselves; they may even superstitiously believe if they fail to perform the behavior properly, something bad may happen, or that correct rituals will bring them good luck. The truth is that OCD is not a need. It is a habit, and while I don’t mean to dismiss the severity of OCD, habits can be broken.

The next time you feel the need to run to Taco Bell for your daily fix of comfort food, or the next time you find yourself pulling out your hair, try to refocus your activity. Try to find a new behavior that makes you feel good without the negative effects. Do you like to take long, relaxing baths? Then instead of going to Taco Bell—are you really hungry anyway, or are you stressed and using food to comfort yourself—go soak in the bathtub; you’ll feel relaxed and better when you’re done. If you have a tendency to count your steps and you find you are missing out on enjoying the scenery or just being alone with your thoughts, buy yourself a pedometer. Then, knowing you have a companion to do the counting for you, let go and enjoy your surroundings.

Find a new behavior you will enjoy or find comforting that will have healthy results. The point is that you don’t have to let obsessive-compulsive behavior control you. You can break the cycle and enjoy life again.

Sabotaging Your Success

In my last post, I talked about the problems with workaholism. While workaholism is definitely a problem for many codependent people, especially the firstborn child, there is an opposite problem that is just as pernicious in a dysfunctional family.

Many times, the firstborn over-achiever must deal with jealousy from siblings. For example, the oldest son may win the school spelling bee or be an outstanding athlete. Age difference may prohibit the second born from competing on the same playing field as the firstborn. Other times, the second born child may feel such a pressure from adults, who expect him or her to be a copy of the older sibling, that he gives up trying to succeed at anything. The second born chooses, perhaps subconsciously, to become a failure.

The successful child is then left with several conflicting issues to deal with. He may be afraid to celebrate or even mention his successes because the second born will be jealous, or even make insulting remarks, trying to cut the successful child down to his level. Parents may focus more on the second born child, feeling the firstborn is capable of taking care of himself. Often parents will ask the firstborn not to tell his sibling about his successes, or they will constantly seek the successful child’s advice to help the less successful child. Even as an adult, when the successful child announces he has won a scholarship or gotten a promotion at work, the parents’ response may be, “Great. I wish your brother would have something like that happen to him” thus shifting the focus to the less successful child and devaluing the successful child’s accomplishment.

The effects of this focus on the younger child can create guilt in the successful one, and guilt can lead to the opposite extreme of workaholism and overachievement—a feeling that it is wrong to succeed when your sibling is a failure. A person may sabotage him or herself, turning down possibilities or not seeking to better themselves so as to level the playing field down to their sibling’s level. Overtime, this behavior will create resentment and frustration for both siblings. People must learn to detach their own identity from that of their siblings, whether the sibling is successful or a failure—they need to realize they are not responsible for the sibling’s behavior—the sibling must make his own decision about how to react to his brother or sister’s success. Detachment with love is necessary for siblings to grow into the successful people both are capable of becoming.

Irene Watson is the author of "The Sitting Swing: Finding Wisdom to Know the Difference."  She lives with her husband of 43 years in Austin, Texas.

Workaholism: Success or Secret Addiction

Growing up in dysfunctional families, many people tend to repress their emotions and avoid relationships by hiding themselves in something that does not require dealing with their emotions. This safety net or cover might be drugs or alcohol, but it might also be work.

Firstborn children especially tend to be overachievers, perhaps out of a desire to make up for or distance themselves from the family’s failings. Being an overachiever in school often leads to the child becoming a successful adult—at least in the eyes of society—in terms of social prestige and income. But overachieving can also lead to workaholism.

Too many people become workaholics because they are afraid of dealing with life and relationships. They forget to have fun. They forget how small is their place in the world and that the world is not depending on them.

Workaholism may be driven by guilt, a misguided desire to succeed, a desire to compensate, to prove yourself because of feelings that you are not enough, or an extreme desire to compete with others. It’s important to understand what is fueling your workaholism. It’s also important to overcome it.

Just like other behaviors that grow out of codependency, workaholism is an addiction—and it can create a vicious cycle that leads to loneliness, isolation, failed relationships, physical exhaustion and illness. Like a drug, workaholism creates a high when you are praised for what you accomplished, but it also requires more and more work to achieve the next high—to supersede what you have already done. Before burnout occurs, the workaholic needs to get help.

A good source for help is a local workaholics anonymous group, which functions along the same lines as many other twelve-step groups. Here are a few additional tips to avoid or break the cycle of workaholism:

·    Be flexible with your schedule—if possible, try to work different times of the day—take a morning off, arrange your tasks differently. Work Saturday morning but take off Wednesday.
·    Leave your work at work. Don’t bring the laptop home. Don’t check your work email from home. Studies show that leaving work at work makes workers more productive overall.
·    Play as hard as you work. Schedule play dates with your spouse, children or friends. Commit to those appointments. You wouldn’t stand up your client or cancel an important meeting so why would you do so to the people most important in your life?

Work to live. Don’t live to work. Find balance and reward yourself.

Irene Watson is the author of "The Sitting Swing: Finding Wisdom to Know the Difference."  She lives with her husband of 43 years in Austin, Texas.

Codependency: How to Release Yourself From Your Own “Ties That Bind”

Those individuals that have codependent behavior patterns know all too well that their sense of caring will, if it hasn’t already, become compulsive while possibly leading to chronic emotionally draining relationships.  These kinds of emotionally draining relationships usually leave the codependent person feeling angry, resentful and unappreciated.

One of the foundations of belief regarding codependent behavior is that the codependent individual is trying to avoid dealing with their own difficult emotions. This can leave the individual feeling disconnected from their own needs and wants while struggling with trusting others.

First thing to know is that you can change these relationship patterns in your life.  Many people benefit greatly from joining a support group, such as the 12-Step program, AlAnon, which focuses on codependency behavior patterns.  Also, many people who have codependent behavior patterns find themselves using alcohol or drugs or other risky behaviors in order to escape facing their own feelings.  A person can join any of the 12-step support programs and get some understanding and support.  Several people have found Alcoholics Anonymous very helpful, even if their primary addiction is to codependent behavior patterns. 

Some individuals prefer to seek non-group setting for support in addressing codependent behaviors.  There are several types of psychotherapy, such as cognitive behavior therapy and/or family therapy that has been helpful to many people in guiding them through the difficult changes they faces while addressing codependent behavior patterns.

Some people are unsure if they are “just being kind” or if they are dealing with codependency and seeking acceptance from others, regardless of the toll on themselves.  If you find yourself constantly doing for another person, even when you don't want to, or shouldn't, for your own welfare, but you still do it, then you might want to check in with yourself about how you actually feel while doing these things.

When you are thinking about how much you give and how you feel about it, remember that children are entitled to get much more than they give, and they should be getting an abundance of your “giving” even when you don’t feel like it!

You can make a change in how you perceive your life and shifting your perceptions will ultimately lead to changes in your behavior. If you decide to change, give people warning, as they will have a difficult time with the “new you.”

Today, practice saying "no" to little things with people you trust and take note to how it makes you feel.  

Taking a Deeper Look at Codependency

In taking a deeper look at codependency, it is important to point out that, contrary to what most people believe, codependent people do not solely seek out relationships that involve substance abuse.  Codependency covers a huge continuum of behavior patterns in which a person is extremely controlling over other people’s behaviors and feelings to being afflicted in a way that interferes with your work, creativity, personal growth and of course, relationships with others.

Wherever you might lie on the codependency continuum, either completely and excessively swayed by another, or completely and excessively dominant over another, or some place in-between, the result for each person, is an inability to feel balanced, whole, and empowered.

As I mentioned previously, the biggest source of codependency is long-term childhood exposure to dysfunctional relationships.  This chronic exposure causes a distorted and damaged self-esteem, which, in a name, is the root of codependency.  When a person is able to feel healthy and whole, they have no problem understanding that another’s feelings, ideas or behaviors cannot be controlled.  There is no issue for healthy people in understanding the idea that we make decisions for ourselves, which best fits our needs, while others are making decisions for themselves which best fits their wants and needs. 

However this healthy perspective is undermined when the sense of Self is damaged through frank emotional and physical abuse, through experiences that did not validate our point of view, or when our basic need for love, understanding, and empathy were not met by those who took care of us.

The following are some key words that I will venture into in the next part of this series.  For now, think about these constructs and try to figure where you lie on the codependency continuum, if at all.

Low self-esteem
Difficulty setting boundaries
Problems meeting individual needs and wants
Difficulties in creating balanced living

Something to keep in mind is that every one of us is capable of making a change in our behavior patterns because the Self is wonderfully adaptable and can be healed with time and patience.

Irene Watson is the author of "The Sitting Swing: Finding Wisdom to Know the Difference."  She and her husband reside in Austin, Texas.

Control versus Perceived Control: Real Life example of How to Know the Difference

Previously in this series, I gave a driving scenario we have all probably experienced at least once or twice and probably several times over our driving careers thus far. I am referring to utter frustration and sometimes-furious rage, at other drivers on the road. Driving is a great example of how we can practice surrender and letting go while understanding more tangible ways of control versus perceived control.

We clearly do not have control over what another driver is doing or why they may be stopped when clearly the traffic light is green indicating that they should go, as described in my previous scenario with more detail. If you believe that you have control thus act out your frustrations towards the other drivers in the scenario and you truly believe that your actions will make a difference in the scenario, you are acting under the illusion of perceived control.

You do not have control over what the other driver is doing and you do not have control over pedestrians, the idea of control here is guided by your perceived control and not real control: the only thing that you have real control over are your perceptions of the situation and your actions.

Another way to perceive this scenario is to trust and believe, even on this small scale life event, that the person at the front of the traffic line is stopped for a reason, whether you like it or not, they are stopped. What you choose to believe and do next are in your control. You can choose to wait the 20 seconds and be calm and actively relax yourself if needed. You can choose to perceive the other driver as good in their intentions and you can let go of the negative perceptions as described in the previous scenario.

You have a choice to allow yourself to get worked up and "act out" or you can choose to believe and behave differently. Either way you choose, the car in front of you will still wait on the green light as the elderly couple make their way across the street.

Control versus Perceived Control: How Can You Change Your Perception

Previously, I only touched upon the concept that real control versus perceived control plays a major part in surrender and letting-go practices. I believe, without a doubt, that our perception of control can wreak havoc in our lives if we believe we can control others and outcomes simply by our actions. We truly do not have control over what other people say or do and we certainly cannot know for sure how they might perceive day-to-day events.

There are two very important things that we have control over in out lives: We have control over how we perceive things in our lives and we have control over how we decide to act upon what we perceive.

In this basic introduction to control versus perceived control, I want to provide a simplistic example and then I can provide more sophisticated examples in the next series of this topic. I like to use the common theme of my "surrender and letting-go" examples, driving, because so many of us can relate to driving scenarios.

Example;

You are at an intersection that has two lanes going in your direction. You are stopped at the intersection’s red light with two cars in front of you and the light turns green. The front car does not move and you wait what feels like an eternity (about 4 seconds) and then you begin to feel hot and frustrated. Depending upon your personality, you might just fester and feel angry in your seat while thinking, "what is wrong with that person," or you might honk persistently loud and long to show your frustration and maybe you might even roll your window down and yell at the driver to move. Then, you decide to back up and strategically move to the empty lane in order to "show them" how furious you are over their stupidity. You expend a tremendous amount of energy and finally get your car in the empty lane only to see an elderly couple walking hand-in-hand trying to make it as quickly as they can across the street. In less than 20 seconds, the elderly couple made it across the street and the front car was able to move forward.

The other choice in this scenario is to take a breath and perceive the situation entirely differently than the example provides. It takes a lot less energy to perceive things in a peaceful manner rather than expending energy to take control of the situation, which is clearly not in your control.

Next up in this series, I will take the same scenario from above and provide specific steps to perceiving it differently.

Control versus Perceived Control and How the Illusion can Wreak Havoc in Our Lives

Control is an illusion most of us fall for most of the time and only some of the time if we are really lucky and are practiced at the art of surrender and letting go. So, for the most part, we can all use some practical guidance and real-life every day steps that we can engage in order to practice letting go.

Interesting to read the definition of control in the dictionary because when I see someone behave "controlling" it is far from a controlled behavior. Control is most often officially defined as the act of restraint or to keep things regulated and in check while people who actively dominate situations and act controlling are far from restrained or keeping themselves in check. It is an interesting observation of language and behavior.

The point of this series is not so much about the official definition of control, but it is interesting and noteworthy because if we acted out the definition, we would actually be practicing a large part of the surrendering process; holding yourself back from acting out.

Now I realize some people will take pause with that last statement because they will not view themselves as "acting out" just because they have not mastered the art of letting go and surrendering. I am asking you to take a huge step away from the center of yourself and your life and look at as big a picture as you can muster as it relates to your life and how your life touches others and vice versa.

Maybe you can see the impact or consequences of not letting go in your life and maybe you are not there, yet. But one way to feel better every day is to practice letting go of the little things, which of course starts with believing most things are indeed, little and I get that a lot of people are not ready to accept "their" things as "little."

Next up in this series on surrender and letting go, I will present a deeper look at control versus perceived control so, stay tuned!

Real Life: Practical Ways to Surrender, Let Go and Trust

If you struggle with the intangible concepts of surrender and letting go, I have some practical ways to ground those concepts in real every day living experiences. Practice these actions every day and you will embody the ideals of surrender and letting go and can then apply the same practical exercises in more difficult situations. Simple trusting that these small practical surrender actions will lead you to a better understanding and acceptance of the greater surrendering actions that will bring you peace.

Remember, the most basic of emotions that is usually the crux of that stubborn sensation of not wanting to surrender is the primitive and intangible fear of not getting what you need. Keep the idea in your mind of this primitive notion of fear and try one or all of the following practical surrender exercises.

1. Driving: One of the best ways to practice surrender is while driving. First, you can choose to realize and accept that people are focused on their own agenda, just as you are, and they do not purposefully get in your way or you can just practice the exercise. Every day this week let other people go before you and allow them to have the right of way, every time. Even if you feel furious inside or you are rushed to make an appointment, tell yourself to let them go. If you let them go, you will feel better. If you can do this every time, you will good every time.

It is like exercising you body, there is nearly a global consensus that exercise or physical movement makes you feel better when you are done.

2. Shopping: This is a bit more intimate in terms of practicing and might be more difficult until you have mastered the more distant interactions while driving, but try it and see how it feels. If there is any doubt about line placement while making a purchase let the person go ahead of you, even if you "kind of know" you were first, believe that they are unsure and allow them to go ahead of you.

The action of letting go of being "right" or being "first" while internalizing how unimportant who goes first is and that your needs will be taken care of whether you are first or second is the foundation of surrender and letting go.

Practice these very simple ways of surrendering and you will begin to feel what others are talking about in terms of surrender and letting go. Next week, I will continue with this thread while also delving into the notion of perceived control.

Specific Steps to Learning How to Surrender and Trust

Surrender and trust comes natural to many people and some people wonder why others spend so much time trying to understand how to surrender and let go. I cannot tell you why it is so easy for some and so painful for others, but the fact is that a lot of us need help in learning how to surrender and let go so that we can move ahead in our lives on a daily basis.

Even if you are an atheist or agnostic individual, learning to let go and surrender is vital to emotional and mental wellness. Many people are atheist and still have the mantra, "Let go and Let God" because it is a concept that traverses all religion, spirituality and ethnicity. First, finding a way to open your mind to the idea that there is a greater force than only you on this planet. For many people, collective consciousness works well in grounding the whole idea of a greater force. Consider the idea of a team of workers or thinkers can be more powerful and creative and productive than a single person.

Once you are able to really grasp the idea that a greater force is working in the world, then you can begin to realize your place within the greater force. While we have free will and live our lives day to day making choices, we truly do not have control over the affect we have on others, just as they have no control over the affect they have on you. We have a perceived control over situations and I will expand further regarding perceived vs. real control in further posts.

The first real practical step that you can practice today is to accept that you have no control of how you affect other people and they have no control over their affect on you. Let this sink in a bit and next time, I will reveal another practical step towards surrender.

Surrender and Higher Power and Trust and Letting Go: What Does it all Really Mean?

For some people, these words ring daily truth in their lives and they live every day with an understanding of surrendering. The twelve-step program ideals are built upon the foundation of alcoholics helping fellow alcoholics, known as Alcoholics Anonymous (AA). AA was established in the mid 1930s and was co-founded by Bill Wilson and Dr. Bob Smith, mostly known as Bill W. and Dr. Bob, respectively. From these beginnings and the first 12-step book published in 1939, today we have many self-help groups that have adopted a twelve-step philosophy.

If you are not an alcoholic, please don’t let Alcohol Anonymous or "twelve-step" program shy you away from reading and learning more about self-help programs. The fact is, many people today seek support through self-help groups and most are based on a twelve-step philosophy that stems from the origins of AA. These programs have helped hundred of thousands of people live better lives every day. These kinds of programs are anonymous and have a strong ethics in maintaining anonymity so it is quite possible that many people you know are probably well invested in some kind of self-help group.

One of the main tenants of any twelve-step program is surrender. If you have not had the visceral experience of total surrender, then it is more difficult to absorb the meaning in terms of experience. It is like giving birth, there is no way to describe the experience that can allow someone who has not given birth to truly understand in an experiential way. Giving birth is profound and life altering. It is these kinds of experiences that are most difficult to convey. Trusting someone else’s experience and trusting enough to be willing to experiment on your own and practice what seems to have made that person be able to surrender, is part of how a program of recovery and surrender work.

Next in this series, I will provide specific practical steps to surrender and trust.

WHAT IS SURRENDER?

SURRENDER:

*IS TO REALIZE THE FUTILITY OF REPEATING THE SAME PATTERNS AND EXPECTING DIFFERENT RESULTS

*IS TO REALIZE THAT TRYING TO CONTROL OUTCOMES CREATES PAIN, STRUGGLES AND FRUSTRATION

*IS BEING IN THE NOW

*IS THE DESIRE FOR CHANGE AND SOMETHING BETTER

*IS THE REALIZATION THAT I DON’T KNOW AND I DON’T HAVE THE ANSWER

*IS THE REALIZATION THAT I NEED HELP

*IS THE WILLINGNESS TO ASK FOR AND RECEIVE HELP

*IS THE WILLINGNESS TO LET GO OF OUTCOMES

*IS THE WILLINGNESS AND HUMILITY TO EXPERIENCE MY VULNERABILITY

*IS THE BEGINNING OF TRUST

SURRENDER IS EMBRACING OUR IDENTITY/OUR AUTHENTIC SELF: THE EXCELLENCE WITHIN.

IT IS SAYING YES TO OUR GREATNESS.

Contributed by Gilles and Liliane Desjardins from Higher Power Productions. They offer programs and workshops for individuals seeking to acquire the tools and strategies necessary to connect with and access their Authentic Self. Participants gain life mastery and skills for effective living while experiencing physical, mental, emotional, spiritual restoration and renewal. By re-engaging with one's life in an inspiring setting with our supportive experts in the field of recovery, you can soar to new heights of awareness and consciousness regaining serenity and peace.

The Sitting Swing: Finding Wisdom to Know the Difference - Irene Watson

Addictions - Societal Dysfunctions

     The previous four narratives covered the major addictions in our society.  However, there are many others, and I will briefly cover some of them.

Addiction to Tobacco:  Along with alcohol and drugs, smoking is a very common addiction that is approved by society.  Psychological and social factors seem to be the initiators of the habit, while pharmacological factors help to maintain the addiction when withdrawal from nicotine is attempted.  The strong social reinforcement arises with the widespread acceptance of social smoking and "many youngsters begin smoking because they want to feel adult, i.e. to behave like their parents, whereas starting other drugs clearly denotes a turning away from the parental habits." (Glatt 99)

Addiction to Food:  "Like drug or alcohol addicts . . . excessive eaters are compulsively driven to eat, not through taste or hunger - for they often stuff and gorge without any enjoyment to the point of illness - but by inner drives that they can neither understand nor control." (Glatt 101)  Factors such as physiological, socio-cultural and psychological enter into compulsive overeating.  A predisposed, inadequate or anxious personality often uses relief eating when in need of comfort during moods of depression, tension, or when feeling lonely or bored.  (Also, "feasting" is encouraged with socio-cultural overtones, often substituting food for alcohol for religious reasons.)  Occasional relief eating gradually leads to a conditioning, and like an alcoholic, the overeater becomes good at rationalizing and denying the extent of food intake.  "Eating binges" become prevalent when the addict is on his/her own, and sometimes he/she will make himself/herself vomit to avoid excessive weight gain.  Guilt, which leads to anxiety, then requires relief by further overeating.  Furthermore, when the addict attempts to refrain from food, he/she will display psychological-dependence symptoms, such as irritability, tension, anxiety, and fatigue.

Addiction to Gambling:  The compulsive gambler does not gamble for material gain, but the game itself.  The compulsive gambler is also very aware of the irrationality and the dangers arising out of their behavior, but the need for emotional reward or gratification drives them to continue such risky activities.  Compulsive gambling is known to be pathological, with the personality factor being of conclusive importance.  Other factors may be inadequacy, immaturity, insecurity, neurosis, or psychopathic personalities, often allowing the addict to escape into the dream world of gambling.  Accordingly, "the environment factor also plays a role in the development of dependence on gambling, and in social or occupational groups where gambling is widely accepted, and in areas where facilities and opportunities for gambling are plentiful, environmental influences may become relatively more important than personality." (Glatt 110)

Addiction to Work:  Another popular and socially accepted addiction is that of Workaholic.  Much of the population finds the term not only accurate but also appealing and does not take the "label" seriously.  Again, as in any other addiction, psychological and social factors become the motivators for the preference for the work environment.  Society at large reinforces that "work" is being "successful".

     Gratifications are sought from work, with the addict "justifying his absorption with his job by saying that he is working to provide for his family". (Peele 34)  Often the addict, when given the choice between being with the family and working, will always choose work.  In turn, this overemphasis on work often destroys a marriage and lessens time available for other activities.  Again, as in any other addiction, work becomes the "escape".

     Twelve-Step programs are accessible throughout the country for the aforementioned addictions and are also available for other "addictions" or concerns.  They are:  Codependency, Adult Children of Alcoholics, Debtors, and Obsessive-Compulsive.

 

   Bibliography
Glad, M. M., A Guide to Addiction and Its Treatment, New York:John Wiley & Sons, Inc., 1974. Milkman, Harvey and Howard Shaffer, The Addictions: Multidisciplinary Perspectives and Treatment, Lexington: Lexington Books, 1985. Peele, Stanton, How Much is Too Much, Englewood Cliff, NJ: Prentice-Hall, 1981.

Addicition to Religion - Could it become a Crisis?

Religion can be termed dysfunctional--a realization that humanity can be abused in the name of God.  A topic that has not been explored extensively, admission of being a recovering Baptist . . . recovering Catholic . . . recovering Orthodox Jew, etc., brings on chuckles that term dysfunctional awareness, pain, shame, guilt, and self hate.  Father Leo Booth, in his book When God Becomes a Drug, states that "In patterns of how religion has shaped society, I found that religious messages which teach that we are inherently bad, powerless, and weak--and must therefore look to God to make us good and strong--are at the core of this addictive behavior". (12)  Messages like that often bring on dysfunctional behaviour laying the foundation for shame and guilt in the society.  Many Christians contend the concepts of sin, pain, and suffering with the philosophy of a loving, forgiving God.  Not being sure "what we did" to deserve punishment, it's hard to imagine someone who loves us wanting us to endure pain and tribulation.  Such dysfunctional thinking often leads to the disease of religious addiction and abuse.  Furthermore, the idea of the original sin--of being born inherently weak and inadequate--has a contrary effect on individuals and society as a whole.  This may be treading on core beliefs of those who rely on literal, fundamentalist interpretation of scriptures; however, there are changes that have occurred in the way the Bible has evolved and have left room for many interpretations.

     Some churches teach "that we can control our life and our destiny by doing the right things and by being the right kind of person.  This, of course, is a fallacy, since we do not control our lives.  We can influence our lives . . . control leads straight to the addictive process . . . [putting] ourselves in the driver's seat or playing God, we become enmeshed in the addictive system." (Schaef 89)  Schaef further states "This system trains us to devalue ourselves, be dishonest, detach ourselves from our feelings, and referent ourselves externally in order to become good co-dependents". (90)

     In TV evangelism, religious dysfunctions explore power and control, fear, guilt, passivity, and magical thinking.  These Electronic Churches combine consumerism with evangelical hellfire-and-brimstone maneuvers to become the most powerful marketing agencies in the world.  Dangling the promise of heaven, telecasts are designed to grab emotions and threaten hell for nongiving sinners.

     Booth further suggests "I define religious addiction as using God, a church, or a belief system as an escape from reality, in an attempt to find or elevate a sense of self-worth or well-being.  It is using God or religion as a fix.  It is an ultimate form of codependency . . . an unhealthy relationship with God.  It is using God . . . against ourselves or others." (38)

     As with any other addiction, addiction to religion starts off with an ordinary religious or spiritual lifestyle, with a progression of excess church-going while using church/Bible/prayer to avoid problems.  The early stage also includes compulsively thinking about or quoting scripture and being preoccupied with church/Bible study.

     In the middle stage of religious addiction, rationalization begins with a secret irritation when religious practices are discussed or criticized.  Compulsive church attendance, scripture quoting, obsessive praying, crusades and proselytizing follow.  Loss of other interests occurs, with a feeling of guilt when missing church functions.  Sexuality is often perceived as dirty in the middle stage.  Isolation occurs from nonreligious family or friends, often judging or avoiding contact.

     In the late stages of religious addiction, there is a radical deterioration of relationships, loss of family and friends, and unreasonable resentment towards anyone that is not of the same faith.  In the final stage one is set up for complete abandonment with physical, mental, and emotional exhaustion.  Psychiatric assistance and/or hospitalization follows.  Religious addiction begins as a dis-ease and eventually turns into a disease.

     To my knowledge, there are no national Twelve-Step programs for religious addiction.  However, there are Codependents Anonymous (CODA) groups which would serve the purpose.  Religious addiction is codependency, in a sense looking for something outside yourself to give you happiness and self-respect.  Some therapists also specialize in religious addiction and often provide group therapy for addicts.  However, most mental health practitioners do not know how to work with spiritual issues concerning religious addiction.  In fact, in many mental health circles there is much suspicion of the spiritual.  (Schaef 96) 

     Some recovery centers also offer safe, in-patient treatment for religious addicts, and at the same time provide healthy, spiritual conditioning.  The emphasis on self-acceptance, honesty, forgiveness, willingness to change, humility, and the discovery of a God, or Higher Power, which is involved in our lives are important for recovery.  Recognition of spirituality prospers with mental, physical, and emotional well-being. 

 

Bibliography

Booth, Leo, When God Becomes a Drug, New York: Jeremy P. Tarcher/Perigee Books, 1991.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

                        

Love Addiction - Relationship Addiction: A mood altering drug

Aside from the two mainstream addictions (alcohol and drug), society is finally beginning to direct more attention to relationship (or pseudo-relationship) addiction. 

". . . I think [there] are three separate addictions, addictions that have a different genesis and a different focus. . ..  It is my experience that sex, romance, and relationship addictions are separate addictions, and all three can find their expression in addictive relationships." (Schaef 3)

     Sex addiction, like any other addiction, is like a mood altering drug affecting the person until the "fix" becomes central to their lives.  Sexual "fixes", as the disease progresses, becomes an obsession controlling the person's life.  Loss of spirituality and breakdown of the addict's own morality becomes evident.  The "insanity" moves the addict further away from reality, instituting faulty beliefs, confusion, distortion, justification, and illusion.  Alcohol often plays an important role by mustering up sufficient courage for indulgence in prostitution, sadistic-masochistic activities, etc.

     Sex addiction has hidden agendas.  Shame and denial are great proponents of the addiction, and often our society integrates the sexual acts as "normal".  Only the brave with this addiction have come forward and named it, accepting it as a "progressive disease".  In the past decade twelve-step meetings, Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous (SLAA), emerged to assist the addict in recovery.

     Not all sex addictions propound "acting out".  Sexual anorexia pertains to the addict obsessing with sex, thinking of sex constantly.  However, the addict thinks of sex as filthy, disgusting, dirty, and repulsive, and spends majority of the time focusing upon how to avoid sex.  Often the addict will use the excuse as "too tired" or "have to work", and eventually develops an addiction to work (workaholism).  The addict appears to be sexual and attractive to other people, often sexualizing the interaction and sending confusing messages.  Although this form of sexual addiction is not as dramatic as the sexual acting out, the addict suffers from real pain and suffering.

     Addiction to sexual fantasies often starts in shy youth with intrigue and stimulation through pornographic movies, magazines, or thinking.  The sexual "exploits" take the form of fantasy that affects everyday life with the addict often missing work or family time to indulge in these fantasies.  Thinking patterns become obsessive and paranoid, often causing the addict to live in isolation.  The numbness that occurs as time progresses requires more of the "fix".

     Masturbation often starts as "a good feeling", and progresses to being a focus of sexual life.  The addict rationalizes that excessive masturbation is not being sexually dependent upon anyone else, but "taking care of myself" independently of a sexual partner.  This form of sexual addiction can get out of control causing the addict to masturbate while driving the car, in public restrooms, at movies, or at the work desk.

     Addiction to "lust" (having many spouses, many lovers, and many affairs) is basically accepted by society, but it is very destructive to the addict and the family.  The progressive disease is often misdiagnosed; however, the addicts who name it, find the solution to their disease.

     Our society does in some cases, however, consider rape, incest, and sexual molestation as sexual addictions.  These forms of addictions are linked with violence and often connected with cultural issues.  "Incest and child molesting are epidemic in our culture.  Most authorities in the field believe that being molested as a child sets up individuals themselves to be sexual addicts and molesters."  (Schaef 30)  Schaef further says that not only is this addiction an epidemic, but studies have also shown that an outrageous number of persons have been orally raped as infants and that sexual addicts, especially those committing incest, are often pillars of the church and community.

     Sexual addiction is well-integrated into our society/culture with denial of its existence.  And, like any other addict, sex addicts are willing to do whatever is necessary to get their sexual fix, even if it is destructive, illegal, or violent.  We must remember as a society that sexual addiction is a disease that can be treated. 

     Although all addictions have a commonality, each does have its own specific issues and problems that require treatment.  Romance addicts get this fix from "love" and romance, not from sex or relationships.  Romance addicts are in love with the idea of romance, not the other person, with the expectation being confused with a fantasy.  To them, the fantasy is a real expectation.  Candlelight, flowers, and romantic settings become the focal point rather than the person.  The "fix" becomes "everything will be all right" if the situation is romantic and dreamlike, feelings learned from movies and popular songs.  They continue to search for those feelings, avoiding being present within oneself.   Afraid of real intimacy, they become experts in intimacy by avoiding it through the disease.         

     Romance addiction is the element of an addictive illusionary society, the illusion of control, the illusion of perfectionism, and mind-altering experiences and perceptions.  The media plays an important role in illusions by exhibiting films, videos, and soap operas that teach the techniques and skills of romance addiction.  Songs serve as mantras for intimacy, love at first sight, and heroic relationships, usually in a setting of candlelight and roses.  Many songs teach that love and relationships are tragic, and tragedy is romantic.  These illusionary focuses avoid the necessity to deal with life, others, and the universe as they actually exist.

     Relationship addictions are categorized into two types:  first, a person is addicted to having a relationship--any relationship, real or imagined, (idea); and, second, a person is addicted to a particular relationship with a particular person (person).  (Schaef)  Relationship addicts do not have relationships, but rather have hostages and relate to their own "idea" of a relationship and not to the other person.  They are very controlling and believe that they can "make" the relationship take place by force of will, often resulting in more control, defensiveness, and blaming.  The romance addict believes that one cannot survive without a partner, to a point of obsession.

     Relationship addicts become trained by society, with one belief being the "best-friend" syndrome, while the other is that in a relationship partners must always be together.  Intimacy, intensity, and dependency are the way society expects relationships to be done, setting up the "couple" atmosphere, not only supporting but also demanding relationship addiction.

     Pseudo-relationship addictions must be recognized for what they are--a syndrome and pattern of addiction.  In order for proper recovery, the addiction must be treated as a separate addiction with the underlying addictive process, often being an escape from intimacy.  Since most of the pseudo-relationship addictions are integrated into the culture and supported as such, the addicts must have ongoing support. The importance of the twelve-step program (Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous) is crucial, making recovery a process, not a happening and a possibility.

 

 

 

 

                         Bibliography

Glatt, M. M., A Guide to Addiction and Its Treatment, New York:John Wiley & Sons, Inc.

Schaef, Anne Wilson, Escape From Intimacy, New York:      Harper Collins.

"Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous", Boston: The Augustine   Fellowship, 1991.

Drug Addiction - A multifactor biomedical and psychosocial disorder

Drug addiction, much like alcoholism, can be defined as an ongoing inappropriate use of drugs which causes increasingly more serious problems in a person's physical or mental health, work, family, or social life.  Much of the psychological, sociological, and physiological aspects are also the same, making the terminology more appropriate as "substance abuse".  Quite often, the drug abuser is also an alcohol abuser.

     According to research, drug abuse is termed a multifactor biomedical and psychosocial disorder.  The hypothesis discovered during research is that the response of the nervous system to drugs of abuse may be part of the physiological reason for the continued problems which drug abusers face.  By scrutinizing in detail the alternations in brain functions produced by the chronic administration of drugs, a biological model may predict aspect of abusive behaviour. (Milkman)  However, it is the psychological rather than the physical dependence on drugs which eventually may be much more difficult to overcome.

     Although much research has been done, the relationship between psychological and physical dependence remains unclear.  However, it is known that several characteristics of dependence include:

     1.  Craving or pathological desire for the effects of the drug.

     2.  A state of tolerance.  (This necessitates increasing the dosage to obtain the same effect.)

     3.  The supervening of psychological and/or physical abstinence symptoms on sudden cessation (or even too rapid reduction of the dosage) of the drug. (Glatt)

     The onset of drug-taking and the development of psychological and/or physical dependence varies depending on several factors, e.g., type of drug, emotional vulnerability, and environmental (socio-cultural).  Yet, it seems that the choice of the symptom in the person with low frustration tolerance is determined as environmental with the availability of a suitable escape route when the individual feels in need of one.  However, it seems that the route must be acceptable to the personality, rather than the outlook, attitudes, and values.  It also seems that ego control plays an important factor in the personality of the likely addict and in the advancement of drug dependence.

     There is still the question of whether inheritance plays a role in drug dependency, and through various studies ". . . the transition between drug use and physical dependence is less influenced by individual fluctuations . . .". (Glatt 24)  He further states that the ". . . majority verdict as to whether there exists a genetically-determined predisposition to alcohol and other - drug dependence is probably one of 'Not Proven' - which does not exclude the possibility that it might yet be shown to be important in at least certain types of dependence." (Glatt 25)

     Many adolescents have claimed that "curiosity" was behind their first experiments in taking drugs.  This curiosity is aroused by what they have been told by friends or by sensational stories they read/heard in the mass-media.  The ideals of drug-taking peers, no approval by parents, and condemnation by society, often puts the blame on the weak personalities of the young drug abusers; however, many sociologists and the affected young users themselves often put the blame on the "sick society".  It seems that the old family/religious standards have weakened, allowing the permissive society to build new standards in its place.  These adolescents are often left insecure, bewildered, and unclear, with a feeling that society is much too preoccupied with materialistic aims and technological progress to take sufficient notion of the value of the individual.

     Apparent relapses occur when drug-dependent individuals, after a period of abstinence, maintain contact with their former friends, their "old environment" (one of whose features was the abuse of drugs).  This social dependence, using drugs as vehicles, contributes to alternative values and vulnerable willingness to join certain cultures--ones that contain notions of self-indulgence or transcendental experiences.

     In the past decade, prevention strategies have begun to attempt to reduce the demand for drugs rather than following the traditional prohibition/law enforcement approach of striving to reduce the supply.  The more recent approach recognizes that people require a wide range of knowledge and skills to meet the problems and opportunities of everyday living.  Having the knowledge and skills necessary to understand and control the use of drugs is just one aspect of day-to-day living.  We also realize that just one approach will not be very effective.  Prevention is an ongoing commitment that requires intervention with a variety of approaches.

     The assumption lying behind information programs about drugs is that once people know the facts about what these substances can do, they will make responsible decisions.  However, that assumption is not always true.

     Information on drugs is necessary but should be delivered in small doses in response to a specific, perceived need.  The important point to remember is that too much information or unnecessary information, may be worse than none at all.  An information program should be one part of a multifaceted approach to prevention.

     The Life Skills Program attempts to provide the individual with a core of skills which are useful in a variety of situations.  The Life Style Programs are more concerned with a person's pattern of habits and routine in order to maintain a long and healthy life, than with competence or abilities.

       Alternative Programs are based on two assumptions.  The first is that people use drugs for what might be considered positive reasons, such as to enhance the senses when listening to music or to increase one's sociability.  The second assumption is that drugs are also used for "negative" reasons to relieve boredom, anxiety, depression, or tension, to rebel, to escape, or to be accepted.  The same effects usually can be achieved through the selection of more constructive and preferable alternatives.  Ideally, the goal behind this approach is for people to have several choices of activities that help them feel good about themselves rather than one consistent choice - drug use.  Values clarification is based on the premise that only one, the basis of knowing clearly what one's values, principles, or moral beliefs are, can one make well-informed decisions.  Initially, one of two things may occur to help someone define and clarify his or her values.  Either, one is made aware of previously held values that have not been consciously recognized or acted upon, or one chooses one's value freely from alternatives after carefully considering the consequences.  Once the choice is made, one feels positive about the value and publicly affirms it.  Finally, one consistently uses the conscious value choice to make decisions about day-to-day activities.

     Narcotics Anonymous, a fellowship of recovering drug abusers, also provides assistance in the attempt to break the drug dependency and strive towards "staying clean".  The Program, derived from Alcoholics Anonymous twelve "steps and traditions", provides a spiritual (not religious); emotional (not group therapy); individual (though practiced with others); voluntary; where the only requirement is a willing to try.

     The major characteristic of a well-designed drug abuse prevention program is that it takes place before a potential problem develops.  Early recognition and anticipation of a problem is the main difficulty in the development of prevention programs.   Often, by the time it is certain that a problem exists, it may be too late in the problem's development for a prevention program to be really effective.  An important factor involved in the accurate anticipation of problem areas is a thorough understanding of the probable developmental causes.  Consequently, it seems safe to assume that a better understanding of the major causes of drug abuse problems will result in the more effective design of prevention programs.

     It is also difficult to evaluate the effectiveness of prevention programs because the desired results may happen years after the intervention and may be a culmination of many experiences.   

    

                          Bibliography

Cohen, Sidney, The Substance Abuse Problems, New York:  The   Haworth Press.

Glatt, M. M., Drugs, Society and Man: A Guide to Addiction and Its Treatment, New York: John Wiley & Sons, Inc.

Milkman, Harvey B. and Howard J. Shaffer, The Addictions:      Multidisciplinary Perspectives and Treatments, Lexington: D. C. Health and Company.

Alcoholism - A psychosocial health problem affecting work, social, and family life

Alcoholism can be defined as an ongoing, inappropriate use of alcohol which causes increasingly more serious problems in a person's physical or mental health, work, family, or social life.  There is some debate over the term "disease".  Alternately, alcoholism can be viewed as a health problem which negatively affects a person's work, social, and family life, and may involve some body organs.

 Approximately one out of every 14 or 15 drinkers becomes an alcoholic.  That is, he or she loses control of the drinking.  There are many definitions of alcoholism.  One of the most widely accepted notions of alcoholism is based on the disease model which considers alcoholism as:

  . . . a cumulative process in which the individual drinker gradually increases his consumption over the years, from occasional to habitual intoxication, and ultimately to a state of complete physiological and psychological dependence on alcohol.  This progression  of steps or states to total dependency, or "addiction", is accompanied by a progression of stages of social deterioration, marked by family and marital disruption, anti-social acts, work and money trouble, drinking with social inferiors, etc. (Archer 10).

 Initially, labeling alcoholism as a disease helped remove the social disgrace and disapproval of having a problem with alcohol in our society.  This change of attitude subsequently resulted in more persons receiving treatment.  Since then, the term disease has been interpreted in several different ways.  One older interpretation considers alcoholism to be an allergy with which the alcoholic is stricken and cannot control.  A more modern interpretation of the disease concept is to imply that the individual who has alcoholism or any other disease must take the responsibility for arresting it, or participating and cooperating in the rehabilitation program.

 Another theory states that the disease of alcoholism occurs when one needs more and more alcohol to achieve the same effect, combined with an inability to discontinue drinking despite  social, emotional and physical health problems brought on by the heavy drinking.  This is currently the most widely accepted view.

 An alternative approach considers alcoholism to be a symptom of an excessive behavior pattern rather than a disease in its own right.  This concept stresses treatment of the need to use any substance to excess (e.g., coffee, cigarettes, alcohol) instead of treating the alcohol aspect in isolation.

 Whether alcoholism is a health problem, a symptom or an actual disease is a complex question.  In any event, there is little question that alcoholism is a health problem requiring treatment.  Dr. E. M. Jellinek, recognized as a foremost authority in the field, defined alcoholism as "any use of alcoholic beverages that causes any damage to the individual, society or both."  Jellinek considered alcoholism an illness in which the various body organs and systems are progressively involved.  He developed a typology of the sequential states of the illness.  He defined five distinctive types of alcoholics: alpha (uses alcohol to feel good, build self-confidence); beta (not addicted but gets sick, experiences health problems as a result); gamma (psychologically and physically dependent on alcohol); delta (steady concentration of alcohol in the blood); and epsilon (binge drinker).
 
 The next question is, what is the difference between problem drinking and alcoholism?  Basically, there is no difference.  If the use of alcohol is harming any aspect of a person's health, work, family, or social life, then that person is experiencing a problem with alcohol.  Whether the person is referred to as a problem drinker or an alcoholic is a question of word choice.

 One opinion holds that the problem drinker is simply experiencing a less advanced problem with alcohol.  Or, the term "problem drinking" is used instead of alcoholism because it is thought to be less offensive.  Another opinion uses the determining factor of being able to "drink to intent" as a measure of whether or not someone is alcoholic or a problem drinker.  In this case, a problem drinker may have experienced some problems associated with alcohol but can still choose on any occasion how much he/she will drink (and may often choose to drink excessively).  However, an alcoholic, using this definition, is someone who is consistently unable to choose how much he or she will drink on any occasion.  For the most part, the terms are used interchangeably when referring to a person who is having a problem with alcohol.

 Alcohol is a central nervous system depressant.  In large enough doses, it can serve as an anesthetic and render someone unconscious; in even greater doses, over a short period of time, it can kill.

 Its psychological effects may vary according to the dose, situation, mood and personality of the user.  A drink or two may result in drowsiness and lethargy, laughter and gaiety, or belligerence and fighting.  Generally, after one or two drinks the user will experience feelings of cheerfulness and well-being.

 The immediate physical effects after one or two drinks may include changes in heart rate, a flushing of the skin giving a sensation of warmth, a lowered body temperature, a reduction in muscular coordination, a stimulated appetite, bloodshot eyes, and an increase in saliva flow, gastric juices and urination.  A high dose of alcohol results in disorientation, confusion, slurred speech, blurred vision, inadequate muscle control, and, frequently, nausea and vomiting.  The presence of other drugs (prescription or nonprescription) in the body can drastically change the effects of alcohol, and vice versa, by either canceling out the effect of one or by intensifying the effect of one or both.

 There are essentially three major categories of theories which attempt to explain the etiology of alcoholism:  psychological, sociological and physiological.  There is no consensus as to which provides the correct explanation for the causes of alcoholism; it is highly likely that a number of factors from several theories are involved.  The category of psychological aspects associates alcoholism with certain personality factors.  The alcoholic personality has been described by psychiatrists and psychologists as one who has weak ego strength, is emotionally immature, and has basic feelings of inadequacy and inferiority.  Such an individual is likely to develop a dependence to alcohol.  However, no causal relationship between these character traits and alcoholism has been established.  At this point, the relationship between certain personality traits and the use of alcohol is merely correlated and does not exist in all cases.  That is, there are many emotionally immature, dependent individuals with poor self-images who do not become alcoholics.

 Another psychological theory attempts to explain that alcoholism is the decision theory which refers to the hypothesis that every individual makes a decision in early childhood and adolescence about how he or she is going to lead the rest of his or her life.  He or she has decided upon a "script" which he or she lives out.  In other words, if an individual sees himself or herself as a failure or as an emotionally ill person, it is likely that he or she will live his or her life in such a fashion as to realize this self-perception.

 The third psychological theory which attempts to provide an explanation of problem drinking is the learning theory in which heavy drinking is seen as a learned response.  If a person drinks to reduce anxiety or relieve tension, the emotional reward for reduction of such tension provides the individual with positive reinforcement.  He or she is likely to continue using alcohol in this fashion since he or she continues to receive positive reinforcement--feeling good, less anxious, and more relaxed.  The death of a loved one, serious financial difficulties or physical illness can arouse feelings of grief, fear, or inadequacy.  An individual may turn to alcohol for relief or escape.  When this happens repeatedly, the person can become a potential alcoholic.

 The major sociological theory in this field is the cultural theory which contends that use of alcohol is related largely to cultural factors and the ways in which various cultural groups regard and use alcohol.
 
 There are a variety of physiological theories including the endocrine theory, the metabolic theory and the nutrition theory, which attribute the causes of alcoholism to some deficiency or disturbance in the chemical make-up of the individual.  There is little data to strongly support any of these theories.

 However, on a more recent note, and highly controversial, "The disease [of alcoholism] is truly physical," says Joan Mathews Larson, the founder of the Health Recovery Center, in Minneapolis.  "We've got so much research now - twin studies, adoption studies, genetic information - and there's a kind of chemistry that stands out like a sore thumb in these people that's different from non-alcoholics."  Larson further believes that specific biotypes are set up to be victims of alcoholism.  Dr. Roger Meyer, a member of the American Psychiatric Association's Council on Addiction Psychiatry which still lists alcoholism as a mental illness, disagrees.  "I have never . . . seen anything that links it to alcoholism."  Psychologist James Milam, director of Milam Recovery Center in Seattle, concurs with Mathews.  He further says that "the physiological nature of alcoholism has been ignored by doctors and academics because many still 'psychologize the disease' and are more interested in moral censure and health-care money facts".  (Judge)

 Finally, the genetic theory contends that the predisposition to excessive use of alcohol is inherited.  It is highly unlikely, however, that cultural and psychological factors play an important role in explaining the fact that there is a high rate of alcohol dependence amongst relatives of alcoholic individuals. (Abernathy)

 Physical addiction can result from consuming large amounts of alcohol over an extended period of time.  Body tissues build up a tolerance to alcohol and increasingly larger amounts of alcohol are needed to achieve the desired effect.  Eventually, physical dependence will occur as the body's tolerance to alcohol increases.

 A physically dependent person who stops drinking will usually experience withdrawal symptoms.  These symptoms can include any one or a combination of the following:  anxiety, sleeplessness, severe agitation, irritability, confusion, tremors, sweating, cramps, vomiting, hallucination, or seizures.

 Women become problem drinkers later in life than do men and more often in response to a family-related crisis, such as a divorce or children leaving home.  Women are found to more often drink at home, alone, than men, especially those whose occupation is homemaker.  Therefore, their alcoholism is more "hidden"; that is, it is not detectable as easily by employment or legal problems and is covered up by family, friends, medical persons, and law enforcement personnel.  It is less socially acceptable for a woman to be a heavy drinker; that is, it is not the "lady-like" or nurturing behavior that is often expected of women.  Therefore, the social stigma attached to the label of alcoholic may be more traumatic for women than for men, affecting a woman's self-esteem and identity more so than for a man.  Mood-altering drugs are more often prescribed for women than for men; therefore, dual addictions must be for women in treatment.  More women dependent on alcohol may also have had a concurrent and independent depressive illness, as well as suicidal thoughts and delusions.

 Problem drinking has a profound effect upon the family members who must live with this behavior.  Those who work with alcoholic people recognize the familiar terms for the psychological and behavioral aspects of alcoholism:  denial, confusion, shame, guilt, anxiety, obsession, low self-esteem, blame, social isolation, anger, loss of control, violence, inconsistency, progression, attempts to manipulate, attempts to control the drinking.  Less easily recognized is the fact that these words also describe the alcoholic person's family members--spouse, parents, and children as well as others whose interaction with the alcoholic person constitutes close relationship. (Goodman)

 Due to a lack of understanding of the nature of the problem, families tend to deny the existence of a problem and feel intense shame.  Many attempts probably have been made to control the drinking, such as not trying to upset the drinker, refusing social engagements, and hiding bottles.  They may even attempt other various ineffective methods of dealing with the drinking problem by pleading, covering up the behavior, or using violence.  These solutions have not yet been found helpful in getting an excessive, problem drinker to stop drinking.  Consequently, the alcoholic individual and his family members may experience social isolation because friends are no longer willing or able to tolerate the individual's behavior.
 
 The shame and confusion experienced by families is made more severe by the guilt they feel--that they are in some way responsible for the drinking.  They are also plagued by constant anxiety due to loss of respect in the community; possible loss of financial security, health and well-being; and fear of violence.

 Finally, they experience anger when all their attempts to "protect" the individual fail and all promises to change the behavior are broken.  Communication amongst family members continues to deteriorate and the marital relationship usually suffers to the point that separation and divorce are seen as the only answers.  However, such "solutions" often breed other problems such as insecure financial position, finding a new place to live, fear of repercussions or violence. (Alcoholics . . .)

 The family members need help in order to recover as much as the alcoholic does, for two reasons: (1) to manage more rationally with the present situation, and (2) if the problem drinker stops drinking, they will be affected by that change and may have to do some changing themselves.

 Alcohol abuse and alcoholism can adversely affect productivity in a variety of ways and in many contexts.  A worker's alcohol abuse can lead to absenteeism and tardiness, and when the worker is missing or late, he or she obviously is not contributing to production.  The worker with alcohol problems also is often less productive on the job.  In addiction, the alcohol abuser may well have an adverse impact on his or her follow workers or complementary factors of production.  Alcohol abuse often leads to unemployment, and sometimes premature death. (Berry)

 While there is no cure for alcoholism, the illness is treatable.  However, the individual must totally abstain from alcohol during and after the completion of the active treatment process, otherwise he or she risks losing control and succumbing again to the addiction.  The duration of the active treatment process varies widely and is determined by the individual or team professionally treating the person who has an alcohol dependence problem.  As in other illnesses, the sooner the alcoholism is recognized and treated, the less likely are the chances that the individual will experience severe physical and mental deterioration.

 Emergency treatment during acute alcohol intoxication and many withdrawal symptoms requires immediate medical attention.  There are also both short-term and long-term types of in-patient treatment.  Some persons require a short stay in the hospital to "dry" the alcohol out of their bodies and to begin to repair the damage which their bodies have suffered.  Long-term in-patient treatment programs are generally of one month duration, although the length of such programs can vary widely.  In general, in-patient programs are recommended for the chronic alcoholic who would benefit from temporary removal from normal living circumstances into an alcohol-free environment.  The purpose of such treatment programs is to help the individual withdraw on a long-term basis from dependence on alcohol by physically and psychologically breaking the dependency and orienting the individual toward new problem-solving behaviors and an alternative lifestyle.  These therapies are used in different combinations depending upon the needs of the individual.  The treatment, however, does not end once an individual has been discharged from an in-patient facility.  The alcoholic needs constant support from family, friends, and others who have been down the same long, difficult road.  A referral for follow-up treatment is usually made to an out-patient facility, a day program, or to Alcoholics Anonymous.

 An alcoholic can also be referred for out-patient treatment from an in-patient facility for ongoing support or can be referred directly to any out-patient facility for primary treatment.  Intensive treatments such as medications or therapies similar to in-patient therapies are also essential components of out-patient treatment.  The major difference is that the individual does not live in the institution for the duration of the program.  In addition, in-patient treatment tends to be more stringent than an out-patient program.  Finally, support and assistance from family members can be incorporated into the active treatment process.

 Alcoholics Anonymous is a fellowship of recovering alcoholics who provide assistance to others attempting to break their alcohol dependence and strive toward sobriety.  The program is based on twelve "steps and traditions", and this spiritual element plays an important role in the therapeutic process.  Alcoholics Anonymous has proved to be an extremely effective self-help group in assisting recovering alcoholics to maintain sobriety and in providing them with ongoing support. ("Handbook for . . .")

 "People in AA have a great blessing--the blessing of alcoholism.  It is a blessing because it is a disease that visibly breaks people . . . .  It puts people into visible crisis, and as a result they get into community - an AA group." (Peck)

 While the individual is not to be blamed for being an alcoholic, he or she will not be able to do anything to arrest the progress of the illness unless the appropriate help is obtained.  Support plays an important role in linking abstention from alcohol with positive consequences and experiences.  The condition is treatable and, the earlier the treatment is provided, the more likely are the chances of recovery.

   
 

Bibliography

Abernathy, Mari W. "Alcohol-Related Problems: A Perspective", The Community Health Nurse and Alcohol-Related Problems: A Book of Readings. Rockville, Maryland: National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism. Alcoholics Anonymous: The Story of How Many Thousands of Men and Women Have Recovered from Alcoholism, New York: Alcoholics Anonymous, Rev. ed. 1991. Judge, Mark Gauvreau, "Alcoholism's Deadly Sweet Tooth", Common Boundary, Mt. Morris, Il: Common Boundary, Nov./Dec. 1993. Archer, Janet,"Occupational Alcoholism: A Review of its Issues and a Guide to the Literature" in Alcoholism and Its Treatment in Industry, edited by Carl J. Schramm, Baltimore: The John Hopkins University Press. Berry, Ralph E. Jr., and James P. Boland, "The Work-Related Costs of Alcohol Abuse," in Alcoholism and Its Treatment in Industry, edited by Carl J. Schramm, Baltimore: The John Hopkins University Press. Goodman, Louise M., "Support for the Family of the Person with Alcohol Related Problems", The Community Health Nurse and Alcohol-Related Problems: A Book of Readings, Rockville, Maryland. "Handbook for the Alcoholism Counselor", 2nd ed., U.S. Department of Health, Education and Welfare, Baltimore. Jellinek, E. M.,The Disease Concept of Alcoholism, New Haven: Hillhouse Press. Peck, M. Scott, "Spiritual Thirst", New Age Journal, Dec. 1993.

Introduction to Psychosocial Causes of Addiction

     Addiction, not a distant phenomenon but a behavior that we do against our will, occurs in an ordinary, presentable person.  Addicts have an automatic emotional response and physical action which is triggered when an addiction "kicks in".  An addiction is the outer evidence of a person's inner conflicts.

     Human beings turn to addictive behaviors to get rid of uncomfortable feelings they have about themselves or their environment.  Just thinking about their lives that cause them pain will entice the person to turn to a "comforting substance".  However, an important component of addiction is to remember that it is the experience, not the substance, to which the person becomes addicted. 

     Stanton Peele indicates that "Addiction is a damaging cycle of behavior that feeds on itself and grows beyond control".  He further suggests that the cycle (in the case of drug addiction, or for that matter for any other abuse) starts with drug taking for the elimination of pain and loss of awareness, followed by drug intoxication, followed by inability to pay attention to problems or deal with them, followed by damage to life, followed by more problems, more pain, resulting in taking more drugs. (3)  Addiction becomes a vicious circle that becomes uncontrollable.

     Groups, culture, and society influence addictiveness.  Groups influence the individual in areas of behavior as people tend to travel in like-minded units.  Research has shown that not only does a person learn to take a drug/alcohol from friends and members of his social group, but he also learns from others how to react to a drug. (Peele 22)  Often, the "group" is a cultural group.  Different cultures have different attitudes towards, for instance, alcohol or sex.  To understand the differences that exist in the cultures, a historical review of them would be in order.

     Social forces cannot be controlled to the extent that we can choose the groups in which we belong to and people we choose to associate with.  The social-psychological approaches to addiction recovery steer us to find regular rewards in our everyday lives in order to follow a path of sanity and health.  With much perseverance and support from like-minded people, we can reach the goal of recovery and abstinence from addictive behaviors by developing competence, finding satisfaction, and defeating fear.

     In the following few days I will describe some addictions that are prevalent within our society and their psychosocial causes.

Peele, Stanton, How Much is Too Much, Engelwood Cliffs, NJ: Prentice-Hall, Inc. 1981.