Relationships can be difficult for us. Many of us, based on our codependency, have found ourselves in unhealthy relationships where we were controlling or allowed ourselves to be controlled. Perhaps we lost the relationship because we were always nagging our partner, always trying to get him or her to do what we wanted, or trying to change someone who had no intention of being changed. Finally, the other person broke up with us because he or she could not handle our crazy controlling and manipulative antics, or we broke up with the other person, finally realizing our efforts were futile.
We realized our relationships were driving us crazy and we got help, through counseling or maybe a Twelve-Step program. We came to understand how codependency works, how it had affected our behavior, and also how it may have affected the people with whom we had relationships. We promised ourselves that next time we would do better. Maybe we spent time alone, not entering a relationship because we were busy taking care of ourselves, but finally, the day came when we felt we were healthy and prepared to share our lives with someone again.
We entered into a new relationship. The other person appeared to be everything we wanted in a life-mate. But we remained careful—we watched for warning signs of our codependency resurfacing—we watched for problematic behavior in the other person as well. We were amazed by the change in ourselves—we felt calm in the relationship. We talked to the other person about our past and learned about that person’s past also. We felt we had so much in common with the other person—perhaps we had too much in common and did not realize it. We realized certain situations that arose we were able to let go or handle calmly, not feeling the fear, anxiety, or anger we had expressed during such situations in past relationships. We were doing everything right, or at least, far better than we had done before. Could it be possible that finally we had found the right relationship?
And then one day we sensed that something was wrong. We couldn’t quite say what. The other person became withdrawn—there was no shouting or blaming. We tried to talk to the other person to understand, but it did no good. “I just don’t feel the same way anymore,” we were told. And the relationship ended. What did we do wrong? We didn’t understand what had happened.
Perhaps we did nothing wrong. Perhaps the other person was not able to handle that we were doing things right. We are not to blame. When people are so used to crazy codependent relationships, a healthy relationship is frightening. It is easier to return to a codependent relationship than to work on a healthy one. We do not have to blame ourselves if someone else cannot love us. We are not at fault if the other person sabotages the relationship because he or she is scared. We can express our feelings for that person, we can explain to him or her that there is nothing to fear, but then we have to let go of the situation—we have learned we cannot control relationships. If the other person wants to leave, we have to let him or her go with love.
We are not at fault. The other person isn’t really at fault either. He or she simply was not at the same place we are, ready to have a healthy relationship. We can take stock of what happened—we can learn from the situation and see the warning signs earlier next time or be better at choosing someone ready for a healthy relationship.
We can also pat ourselves on the back for not being afraid
of trying again, for having done so much better this time. We are one step
closer now to the relationship we want—the healthy relationship waiting for us.
It is a long journey, but a happy ending is still possible. Don’t give up.
Irene
Watson, MA, is author of The Sitting Swing: Finding
Wisdom to Know the Difference, and co-editor
of The Story that Must Be
Told: True Tales of Transformation,
and Authors Access: 30 Success
Secrets for Authors and Publishers.
She is a workshop leader,
managing editor of Reader Views,
and president of a non-profit Higher Power Foundation.
Irene lives next to Barton Creek in Austin, TX, with her husband Robert.
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