When a relationship ends, it can be very difficult. We go through various stages of grieving—similar stages to those we experience when a loved one dies, only in some ways, a divorce, a falling out with a friend, a departure from a group, is much harder. We lose someone who parted from us of his or her own free will. If the person had died, we would not have to blame anyone, but when a relationship ends, we simultaneously grieve and hope for the relationship’s restoration. We go through depression, loneliness, anger, and finally acceptance.
And then we often repeat those various stages again and again. Sometimes we don’t know how to let go. We think we are finally past the situation, and then hearing a song, seeing a photo of the former loved one, hearing his or her name, can trigger old feelings, old memories that can make depression and tears return.
Sometimes we try too hard to let go—maybe we try to make amends with the person even though no amends will help to restore the relationship. Sometimes we simply replay the final conversation in our heads, trying to think how we could have said things differently. Perhaps we see the person in public, and although we want to speak to him or her, we walk away. Perhaps we acknowledge the other person with a smile or a wave; certain situations might even mean a handshake, polite conversation in a public place that makes our hearts quake inside. But we do not speak the words we are longing to speak. We realize it is pointless.
We need to move on. It can take weeks, months, years, but we need to move on. We need to realize that person is part of our former life now. We can remember the good times, and we can be grateful for the experience, but if the relationship has ended, we need to accept it and move on. Some people are only in our lives for a short while—often, these are the people who have the greatest impact on us—our relationships with them can lead us to making difficult choices we might not otherwise have done had the relationship gone well.
We can still love these people even if they are not in our
lives any longer. We can be grateful for the roles they played, the lessons
they taught us, whether or not they meant to aid us, and then we can close that
chapter and move to the next. No one said it is easy, but our lives are so rich
and so full, comprised of so many years and so many experiences. No one
experience, no one former relationship should define us or make us stagnant. We
have a lot of living yet to do.
Irene
Watson, MA, is author of The Sitting Swing: Finding
Wisdom to Know the Difference, and co-editor
of The Story that Must Be
Told: True Tales of Transformation,
and Authors Access: 30 Success
Secrets for Authors and Publishers.
She is a workshop leader,
managing editor of Reader Views,
and president of a non-profit Higher Power Foundation.
Irene lives next to Barton Creek in Austin, TX, with her husband Robert.
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