Irene Watson - Rewriting Life Scripts

Loving Ourselves

It is easy to forget to love ourselves. It’s easy to forget to nurture ourselves. It’s easy to forget that if we don’t take care of ourselves, we won’t be able to take care of anyone else.

 

It’s also easy to get caught up in other people’s opinions of us, to accept stereotypes and generalizations, to let strangers’ opinions control and determine our happiness.

 

At these times, we need to draw on our Higher Power. We need to remember that Love is the ultimate power and the ultimate gift to give ourselves.

 

As humans, we are social animals, and that need for attention from other people makes us tend to think we need people to love us. Truthfully, if no one loved us, it would not make us any less loveable. If we are put down because we are women, or gay, or from a certain racial group, or poor, or disabled, or on welfare, or we don’t have a college degree, or because we do have a college degree, or because we are rich, or for whatever reason, it doesn’t matter. We are still loveable.

 

When all the world seems to turn against us, that is when we most need to remember to love ourselves. We don’t do it by spending tons of money we don’t have. We don’t have to do it by eating everything in sight. We can simply put our arms around ourselves, patting ourselves on the back, saying to ourselves, “I love you and I will take care of you. I will always be here for you no matter what.”

 

If we believe in a Higher Power, we remember that Love is what guides the universe. We understand that whatever situations we face will only make us stronger and provide the opportunity for us to learn to rely on ourselves and love and appreciate ourselves all the more.

 

Today, take time to love yourself. Find things about yourself to appreciate—whether it’s your looks, your physique, your intellect, your kind heart, your ability to forgive those who hurt you, your faith in a Higher Power, your artistic abilities, or your refusal to give up. Whatever it is, and I trust if you look hard enough, you’ll find there are many reasons, find reasons to love yourself. You are loveable. It doesn’t matter if anyone else thinks so. The only person you have to live with the rest of your life is yourself so you need to love that person—that should always be your top priority.

 

Irene Watson, MA,  is author of The Sitting Swing: Finding Wisdom to Know the Difference, and co-editor of The Story that Must Be Told: True Tales of Transformation, and Authors Access: 30 Success Secrets for Authors and Publishers. She is a workshop leader, managing editor of Reader Views, and president of a non-profit Higher Power Foundation. Irene lives next to Barton Creek in Austin, TX, with her husband Robert.

 

Struggling with Feelings

Feelings are funny things. Everything in a day may have seemed to go perfectly fine, but then we find ourselves feeling down, or crabby in the evening. Just the same, we might feel ourselves being energetic or exuberant and not be sure why.
 

I strongly believe our feelings are a guidance system for us, to help us know when we are on the right or wrong path. Being in touch with our feelings is paramount to making the best decisions for ourselves. When we realize we feel unhappy, we need to stop and figure out why. Are we denying something that bothered us earlier in the day? Did something not happen that we had hoped would?

 

We should always try to feel the best we can. Sometimes we can find a simple solution to our unhappy feelings—perhaps we are “just” tired, hungry, overworked. We need a break or to eat something or a song to cheer us up and an hour later we feel better. Other times, we need to accept our feelings.

 

Maybe someone at work said something that hurt us. We acknowledge we felt hurt and then we move on. Perhaps we resolve to talk to the person, or we decide that person is not worth feeling badly about. We don’t have to react, and we don’t have to feel a certain way. But we do need to acknowledge the feeling.

 

I once read that how we react to a situation is based 20% on what is happening at the moment, and 80% upon what has happened in the past. Do we expect something to go wrong because it went wrong in the past? Do we expect a person to react a certain way to us because someone else reacted that way in the past to the same situation?

 

Feelings are often the result of the past. We can learn to consider the present, the living moment and ask ourselves whether our feelings match the current situation.

 

We can also let ourselves know that it is okay to feel however we do. We don’t have to feel guilty because we feel angry or sad about something. We can simply accept how we feel. Denying our feelings tends to give negative situations more power and attention than they deserve. Sometimes we just need to say to ourselves, “That’s the way it is, and this is how I feel about it.” Then we can turn our attention away from it and focus on something else. We can feel without wallowing in the feeling. Then we can reach for something to feel good about.

 

Irene Watson, MA,  is author of The Sitting Swing: Finding Wisdom to Know the Difference, and co-editor of The Story that Must Be Told: True Tales of Transformation, and Authors Access: 30 Success Secrets for Authors and Publishers. She is a workshop leader, managing editor of Reader Views, and president of a non-profit Higher Power Foundation. Irene lives next to Barton Creek in Austin, TX, with her husband Robert.

Learning to Wait

Learning to wait can be difficult, especially when it is for something we feel we desperately want or need. In our modern, high-tech world, we have learned to be impatient, to expect things immediately. When we are told we have to wait an hour to be seated at a restaurant, or we cannot have a package by next-day mail, we complain, we go elsewhere for service.

 

But sometimes the things we most want and need cannot be achieved so quickly. We probably began recovery looking for a “quick fix” to our relationship, marriage, our boyfriend’s addiction, or whatever problem we had. We find the situation that is driving us crazy does not resolve itself overnight. We don’t know what to do. We can make healthy choices for ourselves, but even after we do so, we may find we are not fulfilled, not happy, not in the place we want to be. The only thing we can then do is wait.

 

Waiting is not easy, but sometimes it is the most effective way to heal a situation. Take a broken relationship for example. The boyfriend and girlfriend break up. The girlfriend wants to get back together. She keeps trying until she only drives him farther away from her. She is convinced they are still meant to be together, but she just has to wait. Perhaps he needs to get a grip on his drinking problem and once he does he will realize he is meant to be with her and they will live happily ever after.

 

Sometimes we start waiting with such fantasies. It’s possible, but not likely this will happen. More likely, in time the girlfriend will realize they were not meant to be together. She will learn she can find another relationship, a better, healthier one. Perhaps she will see or hear about the ex-boyfriend and realize his journey is progressing toward healing, but also progressing in a direction different than her own. One day, while she may always care about the boyfriend, she wakes up and realizes the pain is gone and she is free to live her life again. Perhaps someone or something special comes into her life, and she realizes she would not have been ready for it had she not gone through the earlier experience. The waiting was worthwhile.

 

Waiting is not easy, especially when we focus on the future and how long the waiting may take. We need to focus on living day to day. Perhaps what we want is six months away. We don’t think we can wait that long, but we wait an hour or two, and then we tell ourselves, “If I could get through this morning, I can get through this afternoon and evening. If I got through today, I can get through tomorrow. If I got through this week, I can get through next week” and so on. Soon time will have gone by faster than we could have imagined, and we find that we were living while we were waiting. When we look back, what seemed so important at that time is not so important now. Why? Because learning to wait heals, and waiting puts life in perspective.

Irene Watson, MA,  is author of The Sitting Swing: Finding Wisdom to Know the Difference, and co-editor of The Story that Must Be Told: True Tales of Transformation, and Authors Access: 30 Success Secrets for Authors and Publishers. She is a workshop leader, managing editor of Reader Views, and president of a non-profit Higher Power Foundation. Irene lives next to Barton Creek in Austin, TX, with her husband Robert.

Estrangement from Unhealthy People

Estrangement can be a blessing. In my last two postings, I talked about reasons for estrangement and how to recover from the pain that goes with it.

 

At the same time, estrangement from someone may end up to be the best thing possible for us. How many times have we heard about women murdered by crazy boyfriends and husbands, and then later the man’s ex-girlfriends came forward and confessed how he had mistreated or abused them and they had to leave him? I am sure these women are counting their lucky stars that they left before they also became murder victims.

 

While that example may be extreme, sometimes the person we are estranged from, the person who perhaps we don’t reject but who rejects us, is better left alone after all. Looking back, I’m sure many of us can recall relationships that were not healthy for us, but that at the time we thought were important. It might be with a boyfriend or girlfriend, it might be with the wild crowd of people we hung out with in high school or college. We may later find out a friend from high school became a drug dealer, a prostitute, a criminal. That person was once one of our best friends, and we feel bad for him or her, but we are also thankful that by the grace of God, or by our own decision to leave a bad situation, our lives did not go down that same road.

 

Reflecting back on the past often leads us to seeing patterns we could not see at the time. The old saying, “What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger” rings true in these cases. We realize the boyfriend who dumped us, whom we thought was all our world, actually did us a favor. Instead of spending all our time worshipping him and allowing him to control or use us, we find our hearts broken for a short time, but then we regroup. We begin to feel anger. Then relief. We are glad the situation ended. We learn from the experience what we do not want in the next relationship. We focus on our goals, if not for relationships, for life. Do we want to date someone whose only purpose in life is to get high every night? Or do we want to pursue an art degree, become a business executive, travel around the world speaking to interesting people? Adversity leads us to new growth.

 

Yes, estrangement can be a blessing.

 

Irene Watson, MA,  is author of The Sitting Swing: Finding Wisdom to Know the Difference, and co-editor of The Story that Must Be Told: True Tales of Transformation, and Authors Access: 30 Success Secrets for Authors and Publishers. She is a workshop leader, managing editor of Reader Views, and president of a non-profit Higher Power Foundation. Irene lives next to Barton Creek in Austin, TX, with her husband Robert.

Estrangement We Caused

In my last post, I talked about estrangement that results from people unwilling to accept the changes in us once we begin recovery. However, estrangement often begins before we begin recovery. It can be the reason we enter recovery.

 

For example, a relationship might end—a romantic relationship, a friendship, even an employment relationship—because we acted codependent, controlling, manipulative, or our addictions resulted in the other person rejecting us. Sometimes we know it is our fault the relationship ended. At other times, we may not understand why the other person rejected us. We may feel guilt, confusion, low self-esteem, even suicidal because we feel the other person’s opinion of us and our need to be with that person are so important that we cannot handle the estrangement that follows.

 

At this time, we most need to enter recovery—either that or we are risked with facing years of a broken heart or becoming a stalker and making the situation worse. We may begin recovery believing we can “fix” whatever it is about ourselves that made the other person reject us. We may find the estrangement from that person to be painful, but we accept it for a short while as we work on ourselves. We might tell ourselves that in thirty days, six months, or at Christmas, we will contact that person, show him or her we have changed, and then the person will take us back. We may even misconstrue what it means to make amends to people. We may eventually contact the person because Step 9 of the Twelve-Step Anonymous programs tells us to make amends. Only, Step 9 also says that we make amends “except when to do so would injure them or others.” We must think long and hard about that condition before making amends. Otherwise, we may make matters worse. Yes, we can go overboard with making amends. We can become obsessed with our need for forgiveness.

 

We hope for a happy ending, but it is just as likely that the estrangement will continue. We send a letter, we make a phone call, we write an email. The other person does not pick up the phone, does not write or call back. We find forgiveness is not going to be forthcoming. We feel near unbearable pain over the loss, but eventually, we realize there is no point in continuing to try to reach that other person. We have apologized. We have left the door open. It is up to him or her to reenter our lives. We remember we cannot force them.

 

Slowly, we realize that while the other person may never say, “I forgive you,” our obsession with needing to make amends is based in our own shame. Slowly, we learn that we must forgive ourselves for our faults. We do this by continuing to work our recovery program, by continuing to make progress, by learning from our mistakes and not repeating them. We forgive ourselves. We can continue to hold that other person in our hearts with love, but most importantly, we learn to love ourselves.

 

We find that we do not need that other person in order to live a happy, fulfilling life. We stop blocking other positive relationships from our lives by focusing solely on the estranged person. We make new friends. We do better this time around. We attract healthy relationships with other people.

 

We find that at that low point when we became estranged from a loved one, that we actually were estranged from our own well-being. Now we are reconnected with our true and better self.

 

Irene Watson, MA,  is author of The Sitting Swing: Finding Wisdom to Know the Difference, and co-editor of The Story that Must Be Told: True Tales of Transformation, and Authors Access: 30 Success Secrets for Authors and Publishers. She is a workshop leader, managing editor of Reader Views, and president of a non-profit Higher Power Foundation. Irene lives next to Barton Creek in Austin, TX, with her husband Robert.

Estrangement and Boundaries

For a long time, we have allowed crazy, dysfunctional, unhealthy people in our lives. Now we are in recovery and we are learning to say, “No” to people and behaviors that are detrimental to our well-being and our growth. We start deciding whom we want and no longer want in our lives. We cut ties as need be with those whom we can no longer associate. As for those people we want to keep—the healthy, positive, loving ones—we choose to continue building relationships.
 

The dysfunctional people whom we still love, particularly family members, we may also choose to have in our lives, but we need to set boundaries so we do not let them control us or let us slide back into codependent behaviors.

 

Boundary setting can be difficult for us. It can also be difficult for the people with whom we try to enforce the boundaries. Once we set the boundary, we need to know what we will do if the other person will not respect it. We have to be prepared not to have that person in our lives if that is what is best for our well-being. The other person may find him or herself unwilling to accept the change we have made. He or she may feel threatened by the change in us. People may be upset because we will no longer take care of them, allow them to manipulate us, or wallow in their misery with them. They may offer us ultimatums or threats to end the relationship if we do not do what they want. We tell them to stop manipulating us. They may then leave, or if need be, we may tell them we no longer want them in our lives.

 

Estrangement is difficult to deal with. Even if we make the decision not to have someone in our lives, it does not mean we have to stop loving that person. It just means we love ourselves by not allowing that person to hurt us. We can continue to pray for that person, and we can wish them well in our hearts. If we bump into them on the street, we can say “Hello” so they know we do not hold anger against them, but at the same time, we do not budge on the boundaries we have set.

 

Sometimes the estranged person is an ex-spouse, a child, a parent, a sibling, which makes matters extremely difficult. We wish things were different, but we have to remember that we cannot change that person. We cannot fix them. We cannot force them down their own road to recovery. We must focus on ourselves. We trust that in the end everything will be the best for them. Perhaps that will mean eventually they will come back as changed people. Perhaps it means we will never speak to them again. We still hold the person in our heart in love, while we remain thankful that we had the courage to change.

Irene Watson, MA,  is author of The Sitting Swing: Finding Wisdom to Know the Difference, and co-editor of The Story that Must Be Told: True Tales of Transformation, and Authors Access: 30 Success Secrets for Authors and Publishers. She is a workshop leader, managing editor of Reader Views, and president of a non-profit Higher Power Foundation. Irene lives next to Barton Creek in Austin, TX, with her husband Robert.

 

Do You Need a Job for Codependency Reasons?

One of my friends who retired a couple of years ago told me the other day that she thought she should get a job. Not thinking that she and her husband might have financial problems, I asked her whether she was bored with retirement, and I suggested she find some new hobbies or she volunteer somewhere—to do something she would enjoy without having to be tied down to a work schedule. But she told me she was enjoying retirement and that wasn’t why she needed a job. She needed to make some money.

 

Then I asked her whether she and her husband were having financial difficulties. Had they not saved enough for retirement? Had they lost a substantial amount of money during the recent economic downturn? No, she told me, they had plenty of money to live on.

 

After a few more questions, she admitted to me that she felt she had to make money so she would have something to leave to her grown son because he was in credit-card debt and had a job that only paid a little over minimum wage.

 

I tried gently but firmly to enforce in her mind that while it was admirable that she loved her son and wanted to take care of him, he was an adult, nearly middle-aged, and it was not her responsibility, since he was an adult, to take care of him. She expressed her concern that she didn’t know what would become of him when she was gone. She also expressed that she didn’t know where she went wrong in raising him.

 

This son admittedly has little ambition to do anything; he tends to be negative and have a defeatist attitude, but I don’t see this as his mother’s fault. She made sure he had what he needed; she pushed him to get through college; she gave him every opportunity she could. Yet she feels like a failure, like she is responsible for his failure, or at least his unwillingness to do something to better himself.

 

If any role in this world can breed codependency, it has to be that of motherhood. Mothers never cease to be mothers. But they also have to realize that no matter what they do for their children, ultimately, their children are responsible for making their own decisions, especially once they are adults. Sure, parents want to leave something behind for their children, but they are not required to do so; they don’t have to do so. Retirement should be a time for people to relax and enjoy themselves.

 

You may not be able to help yourself from worrying about your children, but ask yourself whether you are enabling them when you give them money and gifts to compensate for necessities they should be able to provide for themselves?

 

My friend asks herself what is going to happen to her son after she is gone. If she continues trying to take care of him rather than letting him learn to take care of himself, then I wonder as well.

 

Irene Watson, MA,  is author of The Sitting Swing: Finding Wisdom to Know the Difference, and co-editor of The Story that Must Be Told: True Tales of Transformation, and Authors Access: 30 Success Secrets for Authors and Publishers. She is a workshop leader, managing editor of Reader Views, and president of a non-profit Higher Power Foundation. Irene lives next to Barton Creek in Austin, TX, with her husband Robert.

The Fine Line—Codependency, Politics, & Religion

I find myself swayed both ways in the current debate on healthcare. Perhaps that’s because I can see both sides. Perhaps it’s because my codependency comes calling to me on these social issues. It is a social issue—an issue that concerns taking care of people, and taking care of people always causes concerns for me about falling back into codependent behavior.
 

I find myself agreeing with President Obama and the proponents for health care reform when they declare that no one in the United States should want for adequate medical care. After all, we live in the richest nation on earth, but how great are we if we cannot take care of our own citizens? It’s a heartfelt belief we should help those less fortunate. It’s the spiritual thing to do. Despite all the faults of organized religion—the prejudice, the disagreements over theological issues that overlook the purpose of mainstream religion—it’s the belief in charity, love of neighbor, and being kind that are what matter most about religion. While we have separation of church and state in this country—precisely because of those flaws of organized religion—we are, if not a spiritual people, hopefully a good people who care about other people, and there’s nothing wrong with caring about people.

 

But the other side of the debate over healthcare has within it a fear that we will become a socialist nation. What is wrong with socialism? Isn’t it a religious ideal that everyone should be treated equally and have what he or she needs? But in doing so, aren’t we also letting people feel entitled to having something without effort. The fault of socialism is that it leaves no place for people to be motivated to try harder since they will have to retain an equality with their neighbors. While healthcare may not have anything to do with class mobility or recognition for achievement, it does ask that people financially give of their dollars to take care of one another. We should take care of each other, but is it the role of government to force us to do so? Will universal healthcare, as welfare has done in many cases, replace the need to work for something? Is it enabling people as we codependents would be tempted to do?

 

I don’t have the answers to what is an acceptable form of healthcare reform. But I think we should each look into our own ideas about healthcare to see whether codependency is rearing its head in this issue. In the United States’ constant efforts to take care of the world’s problems, have we become a codependent nation?

 

As a recovering codependent, I still want to help people, but I also know that sometimes helping people is detrimental to them and to me. Are we our brother’s keeper? Or can we simply be our neighbor’s friend? Who is our neighbor? What do we owe to our neighbors, to our fellow Americans, to our fellow human beings? What would Buddha do? What do we owe to ourselves? We each have to answer those questions for ourselves on this issue.

Irene Watson, MA,  is author of The Sitting Swing: Finding Wisdom to Know the Difference, and co-editor of The Story that Must Be Told: True Tales of Transformation, and Authors Access: 30 Success Secrets for Authors and Publishers. She is a workshop leader, managing editor of Reader Views, and president of a non-profit Higher Power Foundation. Irene lives next to Barton Creek in Austin, TX, with her husband Robert.

On Not Being a Team Player

On September 23^rd, I wrote about it being time to move on from a Twelve-Step group. I received feedback on that posting from a number of people. One of them was from one of my author friends who said he could relate to it because he had recently decided to quit attending another organization, a group for improving one’s public speaking. He had been attending this group for a couple of years and enjoyed participating in it, but work commitments and his own desire to spend more time writing made it increasingly more difficult for him to attend or do the extra work involved with being a member, including preparing speeches.

 

He continued to attend when he could, but when it came time to pay yearly dues, he decided it was time not to go any longer. When he explained to the president he would no longer attend, he was happy to hear he would be missed and that he was one of the most valued members of the group; in return, my friend replied that he was glad to be appreciated, but he felt he had gotten what he wanted from the group and now it was time to move on. In the next couple of days, the president and a couple of other members informed him that being a member wasn’t about what he could get out of the group but about what he could give. “We need you,” they told him.

 

Similar to my blog posting about whether we would continue to attend a Codependents Anonymous meeting out of a codependent need to help others, my friend said he did consider for a long time going to the meeting because he felt he was needed and he was happy to help other people, but he also felt like he had too many other commitments and interests pulling at him. After he thought about it some more, he decided, “I didn’t start going to this group so I could help other people, but so I could improve myself. I went so I could become a better speaker. I accomplished my goal so it is time to move on.” He told himself he should not feel guilty about leaving, and although he felt the other members thought he was selfish, he decided what they thought did not matter so long as he was happy with his decision.

 

How often, whether it’s belonging to a group, a church, or a club, do we continue doing something we no longer want to do because it’s easier than explaining to people we don’t want to do it anymore, because we don’t want to disappoint people, or because we feel guilty? Is it really our responsibility to help other people, or to keep a group alive when we no longer feel it is beneficial or of interest to us?

 

If you’ve ever belonged to an organization or club, you probably know that no matter how many people belong, only a handful usually participate and really get involved. I wonder how many of those core members who keep groups alive, while I bless them for their efforts, are codependent?

 

The bottom line is if we enjoy an activity, we should continue to do it. If we find we don’t enjoy it any longer, we don’t have to participate any more. My friend, himself a recovering codependent, admits that a few years ago, he probably would have been talked into staying, probably wouldn’t have even taken the step to leave. Instead, he realizes he is not required to be a team player, to do something for the good of the group. But he leaves the door open. If he finds he misses the group or he wants to go back to it, he can do so, but only because he will enjoy doing so, not out of guilt.

Irene Watson, MA,  is author of The Sitting Swing: Finding Wisdom to Know the Difference, and co-editor of The Story that Must Be Told: True Tales of Transformation, and Authors Access: 30 Success Secrets for Authors and Publishers. She is a workshop leader, managing editor of Reader Views, and president of a non-profit Higher Power Foundation. Irene lives next to Barton Creek in Austin, TX, with her husband Robert.

Get a Different Perspective

Life can be overwhelming at times, or is it just our perspective of whether or not it is overwhelming? Part of rewriting the script is literally changing our thoughts and the way we word our sentences.

Most of how we function in life depends on our attitude, viewpoint, and perspective.

Let’s take an example of a day when you feel frazzled. Work is piling up, you have to bring the kids to soccer practice, and pick up the dry-cleaning; your mother wants you to come over to help her with something, and the toilet overflowed that morning. Is this a bad day—is it a crazy day?

Recently, one of my friends told me she had a lot to do but she felt her life was abundant. Remembering her words has helped me a lot when I start to feel overwhelmed with work, or when I feel I’m too "busy." Instead, I tell myself that my life is abundant. After all, I certainly prefer abundant to empty.

Here are a few ways we can change our perspective on some of the above scenario by simply rephrasing and thereby making ourselves feel better.

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"I have to pick up the dry-cleaning."

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"How nice that I’ll have a freshly pressed shirt to wear tomorrow. I enjoy how it feels against my skin."

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"I can’t believe how much work I have to do. I’ll have to work extra long hours this week."

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"It’s great to have all this extra work—it’s definitely job security. And the extra money from the overtime can go into my retirement fund so I can play more later."

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"I’m so tired of running my kids around to all of these extracurricular activities all the time."

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"It’s wonderful that my children are so interested in sports/music/participating. I’m proud to have talented go-getter children who have many interests."

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"I wish my mother would let me know sooner when she needs me to help with something rather than waiting until the last minute."

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"I’m glad my mom asks me for help. After all the years she took care of me, I’m happy to repay the favor, and I enjoy how it gives us time to bond."

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"I hate when the toilet overflows. I hate cleaning up the mess."

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"Cleaning up an overflowing toilet once in a great while is a small price to pay for indoor plumbing. I’m so much more fortunate than people who have outhouses."

Again, it’s all about how we choose to look at things. A lot of things in life can get us down, but most of the time, they are really little things, and if we choose, we can see that they are good things—they show that we are alive, that our lives are abundant!

Next time you feel yourself getting angry or irritated about something, pause and think about how you can rewrite the script with a new perspective. You’ll find life becomes much easier much more quickly.

Irene Watson, MA,  is author of The Sitting Swing: Finding Wisdom to Know the Difference, and co-editor of The Story that Must Be Told: True Tales of Transformation, and Authors Access: 30 Success Secrets for Authors and Publishers. She is a workshop leader, managing editor of Reader Views, and president of a non-profit Higher Power Foundation. Irene lives next to Barton Creek in Austin, TX, with her husband Robert.

Recovery and Children

When we are in recovery, we spend a lot of time thinking back to our childhoods. We think about our family of origin, the addictions or dysfunctional behavior of our parents, siblings, aunts, uncles, or grandparents. We wonder why it is that of all the parents in the world, we had to end up with abusive ones. We wonder why our older brother had to sexually abuse us, or why our grandmother had to be putting us down all the time. We wish we had different childhoods.

We may forget, however, about the future and the family of the present. What about our children? Yes, we’ve already done better than the generations before us. Our children are safe, they are not being abused, maybe they even hear "I love you" from us. Our children hopefully are not living a life like we knew as children, but what are we doing, besides making sure that bad things aren’t happening to them, to make sure that good things are happening to them?

Did your grandmother tell you that you’d never amount to anything? Have you told your daughter that she can grow up to be anything she wants to be whether it’s a ballerina, an astronaut, a teacher, or President of the United States, and that whatever she grows up to be, you will always love and support her?

Did your father physically beat you as a child? Have you told your son you know he is capable of beating all the odds and making it as a professional football player, an actor, an entrepreneur, or a chef in a five star restaurant if he puts his mind to it, and that you will help him all the way?

Have you encouraged your children to dream? Have you encouraged them to face their fears and soar beyond them?

When you think about your childhood and what went wrong, think about the limitations imposed on you, the boundaries, the things people told you that you couldn’t do. Turn those messages around. For every "You can’t" you heard as a child, tell your child ten times over, "You can."

When you hear your child express doubt about himself and his abilities, or you hear her telling her sibling they aren’t capable of doing something, pull them aside and tell them an inspirational story. Make them believe they can. Remember "The Little Engine That Could"? Make sure your children know that story and many like it.

Getting past the negative in our family is only half of breaking the cycle. The other half is starting a new cycle, a positive cycle of creating enthusiastic, successful, fearless children with a "CAN-DO" attitude. Raise your children so they will soar in life!

Irene Watson, MA,  is author of The Sitting Swing: Finding Wisdom to Know the Difference, and co-editor of The Story that Must Be Told: True Tales of Transformation, and Authors Access: 30 Success Secrets for Authors and Publishers. She is a workshop leader, managing editor of Reader Views, and president of a non-profit Higher Power Foundation. Irene lives next to Barton Creek in Austin, TX, with her husband Robert.

Affirmations & Inspirational Quotations

When we are recovering, we find ourselves starting to feel a little better, but that can also be scary because we’re not used to it. Rather than retreat, we need constant reminders that we are on the right path. Affirmations and inspirational quotations are a great help in this process.

We can write affirmations for ourselves. Many people like to make their own little affirmation cards using index cards or just slips of paper. Sometimes they post them around the house—on the refrigerator, the bathroom mirror, wherever they will see them. Write affirmations for yourself that will affirm you and your goals and dreams. Here are a few for starters.

I am a loveable child of God.

I can do anything I set my mind to.

When I am afraid to do something, it’s a sign I should do it so I can be stronger.

I know what is best for me.

My body breathes in love and heals itself.

I am a source of love and happiness to others.

My thoughts go out into the universe and bring back to me positive reinforcements.

All my needs will be met today. All I have to do is allow it to happen.

If I focus on being happy as my ultimate goal, I will make the best decisions for both others and me.

Inspirational quotations are also wonderful, and they are usually said by people we admire and who serve as examples of success, courage, and faith. They can be reminders of what we need to hear to carry on with our lives and our goals. Here are a few of my favorite quotes:

"If you hear a voice within you say ‘you cannot paint’ then by all means paint and that voice will be silenced." — Vincent Van Gogh

"Whether you think you can, or you think you can’t, you’re right." — Henry Ford

"Formulate and stamp indelibly on your mind a mental picture of yourself as succeeding. Hold this picture tenaciously. Never permit it to fade. Your mind will seek to develop the picture...Do not build up obstacles in your imagination." — Norman Vincent Peale

"Fear and God do not occupy the same place." — Reverend Dick Gregory

"You wouldn’t have the desire if you didn’t have the ability to achieve it." — Ralph Waldo Emerson

I suggest you find a little book or place to write down great quotations when you find them. You will find yourself going back to them time and time again and drawing renewed strength from them. You’ll also find them constantly in your thoughts, and you will come to be inspired by them and have them available to inspire and affirm others.

Affirmations and inspirational quotations are a great tool for "rewriting the script"—they help to rewire our brain to a new, positive, and more productive way of thinking.

Irene Watson, MA,  is author of The Sitting Swing: Finding Wisdom to Know the Difference, and co-editor of The Story that Must Be Told: True Tales of Transformation, and Authors Access: 30 Success Secrets for Authors and Publishers. She is a workshop leader, managing editor of Reader Views, and president of a non-profit Higher Power Foundation. Irene lives next to Barton Creek in Austin, TX, with her husband Robert.

When Not to Make Decisions

We humans are fickle people. We might like something one moment and not the next. We might think something is a good idea and then later change our minds. When we are in a fickle mood, when we are in a bad mood, we should refrain from making decisions.

A good reminder I’ve often heard to remember when not to make a decision is to use the acronym HALT. HALT stands for:

Hungry
Angry
Lonely
Tired

When we are feeling hungry, angry, lonely, or tired, we are not in our best frame of mind and should refrain from making a decision until we no longer are feeling that way. A few other feelings might be added to this list. Frightened is a good one. Sick is another. In short, we should realize that these moods are when we are not perhaps thinking clearly or when we are more likely to snap at someone rather than reply in a tactful, kind, or rational manner.

I’ve found that being aware that my feelings make me act differently also "halts" me from acting without thinking. For example, if I find I am feeling cranky and my husband is starting to get on my nerves, I can pause for a moment and go through this list to see why I am feeling the way I do. If I realize I’m hungry, I can tell myself to eat something and then I will feel better, and I will have enough willpower to hold off on snapping at my husband for the twenty minutes or so it will take for me to fill my belly.

It is also perfectly fine when we are feeling one of these less than optimal ways to tell people "I’ll get back to you on that" or explain, "I’m really tired/sick right now. I’ll get back to you later when I’m feeling better and can think about it more clearly."

Other times, something may be bothering us that may make us indifferent to another decision that needs to be made. For example, we might be worried about losing our job (frightened) and so when someone asks us whether we want to go to the movie on Saturday, we might say, "No," or "I don’t care." But the next day, we might find we had no need to worry, and then our decision will change.

The point, the best thing to do, is to consider the state of mind, the emotion you are feeling when you are asked to make a decision. If you have to make an immediate decision, ask yourself, "If I weren’t feeling lonely/tired/angry right now, but in my best state of mind, what decision would I make?" and then go with that decision. Otherwise, if you feel so bad you can’t imagine a better feeling, put off the decision until later when you do feel better.

Few decisions in life need to be made immediately. Take time to check your HALT list and make the best decision for when you feel your best.

Irene Watson, MA,  is author of The Sitting Swing: Finding Wisdom to Know the Difference, and co-editor of The Story that Must Be Told: True Tales of Transformation, and Authors Access: 30 Success Secrets for Authors and Publishers. She is a workshop leader, managing editor of Reader Views, and president of a non-profit Higher Power Foundation. Irene lives next to Barton Creek in Austin, TX, with her husband Robert.