Irene Watson - Rewriting Life Scripts

Dealing with Toxic People

In recovery, we inevitably realize we have relationships with people whose behavior or attitudes do not support our recovery efforts. We then decide whether we want these “toxic” people in our lives. Some of them we eliminate from our lives, such as the negative friend or the alcoholic who refuses to seek help. Others we decide to keep, especially close family members; they can be difficult to deal with, but we learn to set boundaries and improve the relationship because we love these people and their good points.

Then there are the toxic people we cannot easily eliminate. Those who attend our church, belong to the same organization, or are our co-workers. We can make drastic choices here by attending a different church or finding a different job, but while that may be the only solution, it also gives power to the toxic person, if not directly, then in our minds. So what do we do? Here’s an example from which to draw ideas.

Tom used to work with a nasty co-worker named June. June whined a lot. She never had anything nice to say about anyone in the office. Because she was smart and did her job well, the boss overlooked her behavior, even when her gossip and talking behind others’ backs resulted in people calling in sick or going home in tears. June’s boss tried to talk to her about her lack of people skills, but it did no good, and June’s boss was afraid to confront her further because of her sharp tongue. Tom and his co-workers thought June should be fired, but not having that power, they had no choice but to work with her.

Such situations make us feel we are stuck. Since Tom didn’t want to quit his job, he did his best to distance himself from June. He discussed work and only work with her, and only when necessary. He refused to participate when she tried to start a conversation about a co-worker. He refrained from talking to anyone about anyone else in the office, whether it was June or another. Ultimately, he found he was no longer caught up in the office drama. Sometimes co-workers would come to him complaining about June. He would listen and comfort them, but he would not comment on June’s behavior. Thankfully, the day came when June found a different job.

Today, Tom admits that whenever he makes a decision to do something that requires stepping out of the box, his fear will kick in; then he hears June’s negative voice in his head telling him he’ll mess up or fail. He has many wonderful supportive friends, yet June’s toxicity still seeps in. When he realizes he’s hearing June’s voice, he does what he never could at work. He tells her “Shut up, June.” Sometimes Tom adds a few more choice words. Then he feels free to move forward.

Figure out who are the toxic people in your life. Decide which ones you can eliminate, and how to change your relationship with the others. Start with the least toxic people to gain strength and practice before dealing with the most toxic one. You’ll be happier and freer as a result.

Enabling Behavior

Many of us in recovery for codependency have been enablers, either actively or passively. We actively support the drug addict or alcoholic by participating in the activity with him, or giving her opportunities or resources for the addiction. We passively enable by denying a problem exists; we close our eyes to it so the person does not feel guilt or hostility from us in carrying out the behavior.

Enabling appears in many forms. It usually disguises itself as love, caretaking, protecting, or helping someone. We tell ourselves we are helping the other person, but we are actually hindering that person.

Enabling can be in large or small ways. It doesn’t have to be buying alcohol or drugs. It can be as simple as a parent helping an adult child with finances. For example, a mother has an adult son who makes enough money that he should be able to support himself. However, he has a spending problem. He has a lot of credit card debt, and he has had to borrow money from his parents for necessary items like car repairs. His parents help him out because he is their son and they love him. They worry about what will happen to him if they don’t help him.

It is fine to help your adult children when they need help. Everyone has times of financial difficulty, and if the person is making a concerted effort to improve his or her financial situation, helping is acceptable. In this case, however, the son spends his income on items like new clothes he does not need. He doesn’t buy groceries because his mother will buy them for him. He then gets angry when she buys him groceries; it makes him feel that his mother believes he cannot take care of himself, yet by her buying him groceries or loaning him money, he puts off becoming financially responsible because he knows his mother will cover his extra expenses.

A good rule of thumb is that if people ask you for help, go ahead and help them the first time if the request is reasonable and it’s a one-time situation, but the second time, tell them you cannot support their behavior. It isn’t easy, but in the long run, you will be doing them a bigger favor. Remember the old Chinese proverb, “Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime.” Detach yourself in love from helping the person. Detach yourself from the outcome of what will happen to that person if you don’t help him. You are not responsible for fixing the person’s problem, but by detaching, you may be the means to helping the person fix the problem on his or her own.

In the case of the mother above, she worries what will happen to her son if she doesn’t help him, but someday she won’t be alive to help him. It’s better she helps him prepare for that day by not helping him today.

So Much to be Grateful For

When I have a bad day, I find that one of the best ways to cheer myself up and put things in perspective is simply to see if the good that day has outweighed the bad. I have found that in reviewing the day’s events, I can easily find that as many good as bad things happened, and most of the time, the good far outweighs the bad. What I thought was a bad day actually was a good one after all. I suggest making a bad and good list to see what kind of day it really was. Make your bad list first to get it out of the way. Then the good list will make you feel better.

Bad Things:
1.    I got to work late.
2.    At lunch, the restaurant messed up my order.
3.    My boss was in a bad mood.
4.    While doing the supper dishes, I broke a glass.
5.    My favorite TV show wasn’t on.

Good Things:
1.    I really enjoyed the new cereal I had for breakfast.
2.    My coffee tasted extremely good today.
3.    Everyone at the office complimented me on the new outfit I wore.
4.    I got asked to go to a party Friday night that I’m really looking forward to.
5.    A friend I haven’t heard from in months sent me an email.
6.    My family liked the new recipe I tried tonight.
7.    I took time to go for a walk with my spouse after supper.
8.    I really enjoyed what a nice sunny evening it was.
9.    Since my favorite show wasn’t on TV, I took time to catch up on paying bills, which made me feel less overwhelmed.
10.    I even had a few minutes left over to read a book I really enjoyed.
11.    When I put my son to bed, he told me that he loved me.

That looks like a good day to me. Not only would I be grateful for it, but I would feel satisfied.

Sometimes the bad things may be huge, and the good things small, but if we look for the good things, they almost always outweigh the bad. I’ve found that by making a good and a bad list each day, ultimately, the bad list has so few things on it that after a while, I quit bothering with it, and just focus on my good list, which often grows to 20-30 items in a day.

Reviewing the day can make us put everything into perspective, and ultimately, come out grateful for what we have. Good days add up to a good life.

Being Direct

A friend once told me to, “Say what you mean. Mean what you say, but you don’t have to be mean about it.”

Wouldn’t life be easier if we all followed that advice? We all find ourselves in uncomfortable situations; when that happens, how often do we find excuses or let things happen that we don’t like because we’re not willing to say what we really mean? At first it may be hard, but in the long run, everything becomes easier when we are direct about how we feel and what we want.

A simple example, and a great place to start learning to be direct is with telemarketers. They tend not to take “No” for an answer. How often instead of saying, “No” do we try to be polite by saying things like “I’m not interested right now,” or “I’ll think about it,” or “Maybe some other time,” or “I’m sorry, but I’m about to go out the door.” The telemarketer only uses that as an opportunity to keep trying to convince us. We may end up apologizing as we hang up on the telemarketer. Then we feel frustrated because we feel we were rude, but we also don’t like being harassed. Had we been direct, we would have saved ourselves from hearing more of the telemarketers’ spiel as well as the wasted time feeling angry and frustrated after the phone call.

Caller ID was a great invention. When telemarketers call, we can see it’s them and not pick up the phone. But that doesn’t stop them from calling, and it doesn’t teach us to be direct. Usually, the telemarketer will just keep calling, often every day. If we decide not to pick up the phone, we are still interrupted by the phone ringing, having to check the Caller ID, and then listening to the answering machine turn on. Every time this happens can distract us from what we are doing and still make us feel frustration. Instead, be direct. Pick up the phone. Tell the telemarketer, “I’m not interested. Please take me off your calling list.” (They are required by law to quit calling you if you ask them to). We don’t need to be rude, just direct. The calls will stop; the situation is resolved. The sooner we are direct, the sooner the frustration ends.

Being direct is not always easy, so start out with small things like telemarketers. Work your way up to the bigger things. If you find it difficult to say what you know you should, tell the person you need to think about it. That will give you time to formulate your reply. When you do, don’t offer an excuse, don’t apologize, just simply state you’re not interested. For example, if someone asks you to go to a party and you don’t want to go, just say, “No, I don’t want to.” You don’t need to pretend you have other plans. Just be direct.

Practice by imagining yourself in different situations where you clearly state what you want to say. Sometimes you may even know a request is coming. Then take the time to figure out how you want to respond rather than just dreading the request until you find yourself in the situation and let yourself feel like a victim. You are not a victim. You are in control of you. Be direct and you’ll retain control.

You Make a Difference

Sometimes, amid figuring out all our issues and just keeping our head above water, we forget how important we are in terms of the bigger picture. We all have our special place in this world. We all have talents, ideas, knowledge, and stories to share that can make a difference in other people’s lives.

That statement may make some of you think—what special gift do I have to give? I’m not a lawyer, doctor, politician, minister, nurse, writer, entertainer, etc. But it doesn’t matter what your day job is. It doesn’t matter what your particular circumstances are. Everything you do ultimately can make a difference in the world. You have a contribution to make. No matter how small you may think that contribution is, it’s a contribution worth making, and it does make a difference.

An obvious example is a mother. Mothers make an enormous difference. A mother raises her children, loves them, and teaches them right from wrong. She encourages them, helps them to grow and learn, and steers them back on course when they go in the wrong direction. A father has a similar role, providing encouragement to his children, being an example to them, teaching them self-reliance and confidence through gentle love. Of course, those are easy examples. Parents raise the next generation and thereby shape the future. Similarly, anyone who is involved in the lives of children makes a difference from coaches to teachers to youth ministers to grandparents.

But what if you’re not a parent or not involved with children? You still make a difference. You make a difference when you smile at someone. You make a difference when you decide to hold a door for someone. You make a difference when you take the time to be interrupted from your schedule and give directions to someone, or you help your neighbor with a project. Little things mean a great deal.

Think about the talents you have. Maybe you don’t paint great masterpieces or do computer programming, but maybe you can pound a nail, paint a house, mow a lawn, build a bookshelf, make a flower arrangement. We need nice looking houses, well-kept lawns, bookshelves, flower arrangements to give us joy. We need people to collect our garbage, to deliver our mail, to serve us food. All these roles and activities make a difference. We have no idea what a difference such a small contribution will make to other people or the appreciation they might feel as a result. Ultimately, doing something for someone can make that other person feel better. It may encourage that person to do something big or small that will also make a difference.

Like ripples in a pond, we don’t know how far our influence may spread. Something as simple as a smile or a greeting can change a person’s attitude; it may affect the way he or she treats other people. You make a difference. Think about how you make a difference, find more ways to do so, and celebrate today the contribution you make to the world.