Irene Watson - Rewriting Life Scripts

Loving Ourselves

Many of us feel we have a hole inside of us, a place that should have been filled with love when we were children, but for whatever reason, Mom, Dad, Grandpa, Grandma, or whoever was our guardian did not love us in the way we needed. We may have been starved for attention. We may have acted out. We may have cried. We may still long just for healthy human touch, a simple hug that is decades overdue. We may feel we are not loveable, or that no one will love us so we should not even search for love any longer.

 

It is not that we are not loveable. It is natural that a parent should love his or her child, but first a person must love him or herself. If someone responsible for you were unable to love you, it was not because you did not deserve love, but because that person had his or her own issues to work out. I’ve talked before about understanding the generations before us—were our parents or caretakers loved as children; how could they love us if they never experienced love themselves?

 

We will find someone to love us, but it is unlikely to happen the way we want unless we first learn to love ourselves. Inner Child Therapy teaches us to talk to our inner child. Remember that little boy or girl you were, longing for love, frightened, confused. If you as an adult met that child, what would you say to him or her? You can say those words now, or simply hug that child. You can adopt that child now and care for that little boy or girl as he or she should have been cared for years ago. We, the adult, can take care of the child we were. When we feel that little boy or girl wants to cry or is worried, we can gently reply, “It’s okay. I love you. I’m here for you. I won’t let anyone hurt you. I’ll take care of you.” We can give that child a hug. We can provide that child with the love he or she did not have before.

 

After all, despite the lack of love, we have made it this far. We are grown-up. We’ve survived. Perhaps we developed codependent behaviors as survival skills, but now we can take the burden off that child. It’s time for its fears to dissolve, for it to feel loved. And as that child becomes secure, we also will be secure. The benefit will be mutual. We will become happier, healthier, more loving and then appear loveable to the outside world. Someone else will come to love us as well, but it has to start by loving ourselves.

 

Irene Watson, MA,  is author of The Sitting Swing: Finding Wisdom to Know the Difference, and co-editor of The Story that Must Be Told: True Tales of Transformation, and Authors Access: 30 Success Secrets for Authors and Publishers. She is a workshop leader, managing editor of Reader Views, and president of a non-profit Higher Power Foundation. Irene lives next to Barton Creek in Austin, TX, with her husband Robert.

 

Silently Enabling the Group

Codependency is tricky. Even when we realize we have codependent tendencies, it can take a long time for us to realize all the ways codependency has a hold over us. We know as codependents we have a tendency to be enablers—we may give money to a loved one with a problem handling money; we may keep family secrets about alcoholism and drug addiction. Eventually we have learned about codependency and stopped enabling these people. But codependency and enabling are not limited to individuals and our families. We can equally be enablers within larger organizations.

 

We may belong to a social group, work for a company, donate to a charity, or attend a place of worship where we are silently enabling behavior or beliefs we do not agree with or we believe are ethically wrong, but we say nothing because we are afraid to speak, to rock the boat, or because we prefer the sense of safety or security we experience from that group. It might be a religion that puts women down, but we continue to be part of that religion because our family always has belonged to it—or because we fear its teachings about our lack of salvation are true if we turn away from it. Because it is a religion, we let it have power over us, whereas if it were an abusive husband or a racially offensive social group, we would long ago have shut the door on it and its behavior. Perhaps we are enabling a charitable organization that withholds helping certain people because they are not “moral,” although moral is based only on that organization’s viewpoint. It may be a workplace where workers on the bottom of the ladder are not paid a living wage, or where we know the company is doing something illegal or dishonest but we continue to work there from fear of being unemployed.

 

Codependency has made us afraid. It has taught us to keep the status quo. But as we learn to deal with our codependency and new ways to relate to our families, we can also extend that knowing to the larger world around us. We can be a voice for justice; we can say “No” to participation in an activity we believe is wrong. If we are afraid to speak up, at the very least, we can leave the company or group so we are no longer silently contributing to its misaligned belief system. Even if we cannot change the organization, we accept what we cannot change, and we realize we can change ourselves—we can give ourselves the self-respect not to live in fear of what others think, and we can stand up for what is right as an example to those even more afraid than us.

 

Let’s remember the words of the poem “First They Came” which reflects what happened when the Nazis rose to power:

 

First they came for the communists, and I did not speak out—because I was not a communist;

Then they came for the trade unionists, and I did not speak out—because I was not a trade unionist;

Then they came for the Jews, and I did not speak out—because I was not a Jew;

Then they came for me—and there was no one left to speak out for me.

 

Once we overcome our own codependency, we can help spread the message of freedom from codependency throughout society.

 

Irene Watson, MA,  is author of The Sitting Swing: Finding Wisdom to Know the Difference, and co-editor of The Story that Must Be Told: True Tales of Transformation, and Authors Access: 30 Success Secrets for Authors and Publishers. She is a workshop leader, managing editor of Reader Views, and president of a non-profit Higher Power Foundation. Irene lives next to Barton Creek in Austin, TX, with her husband Robert.

 

Power is Not a Gift

Earlier this week I wrote about not giving others our power in terms of not letting other people put us down and make us feel bad about ourselves.

 

Just as we should not give our power away, we cannot expect people to give us their power. In my last post, I said we can own our power by being superheroes ourselves.

 

Do we have personal heroes? Most of us have someone we admire, someone we wish we could be more like, whether it’s a great athlete, a talented artist, a strong leader. We might consider these people as heroes, but we need to be careful of the word.

 

Codependents have a tendency to build other people up into their heroes, whether or not those people truly deserve it or even have heroic attributes. We may think that if we can just be more like that person, especially spend more time with that person, get that person to love us, then we will acquire some of that person’s power.

 

It doesn’t work that way. Power is not a commodity, and it is not a gift for us to give or to receive.

 

Power is something that resides in us. If we want to think of it as a gift, it is solely as a gift we give to ourselves. The only ones who can decide whether we have power are ourselves. There have been plenty of people in positions of power who haven’t really had power—puppet kings and figureheads for example—and then there are people who had no armies or governments to back them but just simply decided they were powerful and made other people stand up and take notice. A good best example is Gandhi who decided he and the people of India should be free. They did not fight their colonial oppressors; they simply believed they deserved to be free and they made the British government acknowledge their power. When they were confident in their power, they made their enemies back down until eventually India achieved its independence.

 

I remember years ago seeing an episode of the Smurfs. One of the Smurfs was afraid of everything until Papa Smurf gave him a magic lotion that if he wore on his nose would give him superpowers. Papa Smurf knew the lotion really had no magic, but the other Smurf didn’t know that. Before long, that Smurf was doing incredible feats. It’s that way with all of us. There is no magic lotion or powder. But there is the magic of self-confidence, of personal power. It’s the best gift we can give to ourselves.

 

Nothing can change the world more than people having self-confidence and loving themselves; this self-appreciation will lead to an end of people being taken advantage of, to more honesty, and ultimately to more kindness, understanding, love, and the possibility of a better world where everyone is of value because everyone knows his or her own self-worth. That changed world will be a powerful one, but the power has to begin by our owning it personally.

 

Irene Watson, MA,  is author of The Sitting Swing: Finding Wisdom to Know the Difference, and co-editor of The Story that Must Be Told: True Tales of Transformation, and Authors Access: 30 Success Secrets for Authors and Publishers. She is a workshop leader, managing editor of Reader Views, and president of a non-profit Higher Power Foundation. Irene lives next to Barton Creek in Austin, TX, with her husband Robert.

Stay Within Your Power

In my last post, I talked about how we should not give away our power to feel good by letting other people’s negative comments determine how we feel.

 

But what is our power? Our power is the ability to feel good about ourselves. I firmly believe that nothing in life is more powerful or sure to help us accomplish whatever goals we desire, nothing will make us happier, than to have a healthy self-image.

 

Life is difficult. There’s no doubt about it. There are people out there waiting to sabotage us, to put us down, to make us feel bad, inadequate. If we let them do so, we give them power over us.

 

Remember reading comic books or watching cartoons about superheroes? If you knew you were secretly Superman or Wonder Woman, do you think you’d let the little things bother you? Superman isn’t intimidated by bullies—a lot of the time he just tolerates them because he knows he can take them down any time he wants. Wonder Woman wouldn’t put up with any man putting her down—she could easily kick butt if any guy tried.

 

Like superheroes, we have secrets too. One secret is that we are superheroes. We just have to acknowledge that we are. Imaginary super powers aside, who are the real heroes in our world? Most of them are the people who did what everyone else thought was impossible. Lance Armstrong overcame cancer to win the Tour de France. Being in a wheelchair didn’t make Franklin D. Roosevelt feel sorry for himself or stop him from getting the U.S. through the Great Depression and World War II. Thomas Edison refused to give up when other people told him light bulbs were impossible. These people proved themselves superheroes because they believed in their personal power. There’s no reason why we can’t be superheroes too if we believe in ourselves.

 

When you are faced with a difficult situation, don’t sit around moping and living in dread of it. Remember your power. If you visually have to imagine yourself changing into your superhero costume, go ahead and do so. Remember you are a man, not a mouse. You are an Amazon woman, not a victim. Envision yourself in your superhero costume, whether it’s with a cape so you can fly through the air, or bulging muscles, or magic powers. I don’t recommend you jump off the roof trying to fly, but just imagine the feeling of freedom and power that flying would offer. Take a minute to think about what it would feel like to be Superman or Wonder Woman. Close your eyes and summon your power, relish it, feel the strength coursing through your veins, feel the power filling you. It feels wonderful, doesn’t it?

 

Now go out and face the world. People who are truly powerful use their power, not to abuse others, but for good. Use your power for good. Use it to take care of yourself first and then to take care of others. People with power don’t get messed with. Who would want to take on Superman? Power is a lot like confidence, self-assurance, a sort of air you have about you, maybe the way you carry yourself, that lets people know you are fully aware of your value. You are not to be trifled with. Stand up for yourself. Stay in your power. Be your own hero and set the example for others.

Don’t Give Away Your Power to Feel Good

With the first of the holidays behind us, how are we feeling? While holidays can be times of joy and warm moments spent with family, they can also stir up old feelings of pain, frustration, and anger within us.

 

Why is it that we have grown up, gone out into the world, achieved, made something of ourselves, lived the life we want to live, even found happiness, but when we go home, those old nagging voices in the form of a sister, an aunt, a parent make us feel like a child again? Why does how other people make us feel bother us so much? Why do we let other people make us feel anything?

 

When Aunt Sue remarked at dinner that we look like we’re getting fat, do we feel bad about ourselves, or do we just wonder what kind of screwball Aunt Sue is to make such a mean and thoughtless comment? Didn’t your grandparents teach her any manners—I mean really, is she only happy making other people feel miserable? Just because she feels bad about herself, and therefore has to put other people down to make herself feel superior, does not mean we have to play along with her dysfunctional mind games. Maybe when we were children we didn’t know any better, but we do now. It doesn’t matter if she thinks we are fat, ugly, stupid, immature, or immoral. It doesn’t matter.

 

What does matter? How we feel about ourselves.

 

Did you tell Aunt Sue where to go while eating your Thanksgiving Turkey? Maybe you did, but more likely you didn’t. We usually let the matter go to keep peace at the dinner table, and we know that telling Aunt Sue off won’t change her anyway. So now that the moment is over, we have to let it go in our heart and thoughts. There’s no point in feeling down because someone else made you feel bad. You may not see Aunt Sue again until next Thanksgiving. You only had to spend a few hours with her anyway, so don’t let her determine how you feel the rest of the year.

 

You and only you have the power to determine how you feel. If you need to, affirm yourself. Remind yourself of everything you have accomplished and focus on what makes you feel good. Make sure your voice, not Aunt Sue’s, is the one speaking to you, influencing you to feel the way you want to feel. Only you have the power to do that, so use that power. Don’t give your power to determine how you feel to someone else. Practice feeling good about yourself today, and the next day, and everyday to come.

 

Irene Watson, MA,  is author of The Sitting Swing: Finding Wisdom to Know the Difference, and co-editor of The Story that Must Be Told: True Tales of Transformation, and Authors Access: 30 Success Secrets for Authors and Publishers. She is a workshop leader, managing editor of Reader Views, and president of a non-profit Higher Power Foundation. Irene lives next to Barton Creek in Austin, TX, with her husband Robert.